Is it me or do people/families not eat dinner anymore?? VENT

[DeniseinNS]

I think it's important to eat dinner as a family as much as possible. I work 3 evenings a week so I am not home for those nights but we do it the other 4 nights and my hubby and the kids always eat together on the nights that I work. My kids have activities but we work around that and have it at different times if need be: EX- one night my daughter dances 5-6:30 so we will eat at 6:45, another night my son has boy scouts 6-7:30 so we will eat at 5:00.

 

[taitai]

We have dinner together as a family every night. As I stated on the Great Paper Plate thread on the Community Board, we use real plates, real cloth napkins, serving bowls on the table, etc. I really believe it is an important part of our family life and I do believe in and agree with all the studies that show so many positive correlations with eating together. I also eat breakfast with my children every day (husband already at work) and we all breakfast and lunch together on the weekends.

My kids play a ton of sports and that can make meal time tricky. We tend to call those Double Dinner Days. Generally, I make a meal and feed them all or part prior to their practice or game at 4 or whenever. Then, when we get home at 8 or so, my DH will eat the main meal and my kids will sit and pick at whatever they might be hungry for. Sometimes they are famished after a big game and others not so much. Either way, we sit together for a bit and talk about the game and the day and what not before they get ready for bed.

 

[kellyg403]

When the kids were little, it was so much easier to plan to eat meals together. Now, not so easy so, no we don't eat every dinner together. I don't think it has changed our family dynamics/closeness. We still have long talks in the car, and we have been known to sit in the car in the driveway until its finished. We do so many things together and apart. Not all of it revolves around 'eating' together. We find many places to be a family together.

Studies are great. However, I can assure you, none of my children are smokers, have eating disorders etc. They are typical, normal average teens trying to fly away from home.

Kelly

 

[luvmy3]

We eat dinner together every night. I love to plan, prepare, cook and my husband makes sure he's home by dinner time, which is around 6 pm. Call us old fashioned, but that's very important to us. Playdates and activities are planned and scheduled before or after dinner, or mostly on the weekends. The kids never complain, it's just something that we do. Our oldest is 8 and is already asking when she can learn to cook real meals.

Since parents choose to be overworked, and to overshedule their kids with activities, there's no real quality time. As a result family members are forgetting how to relate to each other and eventually the family falls apart.

Thats a pretty big statement to make and an ignorant one at that. Its great that you have dinner waiting for the hubby when he gets home, its great that your kids have things planned before and after dinner or that in your area there are things that aren't scheduled at dinner time and I guess its great that your oldest wants to learn to cook (my oldest wants to go to the CIA and open a cafe, I'm not sure what that has to do with having dinner together)
Its great that all that works out for our family and that you can use your dinner time as qulaity family time. However, you have no idea how other families choose to make quality family time when they aren't able to. So while the statement may be true of some of the families you know, its too big of a generalization to make for the ones you don't.

 

[mhsjax]

We have dinner together as a family every night. As I stated on the Great Paper Plate thread on the Community Board, we use real plates, real cloth napkins, serving bowls on the table, etc. I really believe it is an important part of our family life and I do believe in and agree with all the studies that show so many positive correlations with eating together. I also eat breakfast with my children every day (husband already at work) and we all breakfast and lunch together on the weekends.

My kids play a ton of sports and that can make meal time tricky. We tend to call those Double Dinner Days. Generally, I make a meal and feed them all or part prior to their practice or game at 4 or whenever. Then, when we get home at 8 or so, my DH will eat the main meal and my kids will sit and pick at whatever they might be hungry for. Sometimes they are famished after a big game and others not so much. Either way, we sit together for a bit and talk about the game and the day and what not before they get ready for bed.

That is great for you, but there is no way in hell I am doing that. My kids left for school this am at 7:00, one at 800. One doesn't even get up until the others leave, Breakfast together isn't happening. DH still in bed, he works late nights. Tonight, no activities and we will have dinner together, and not on paper plates, even though I do love them, but it is a night I cook real food. They get a snack of some type of protein before their practice and they eat when they come home. We spend every weekend together doing fun stuff, going to games, the beach, sometimes WDW, we are within driving distance. My kids don't routinely spend weekend nights away, so it is our family time. We are fine and our family is great.

I do see lots of families that don't spend that much time together, maybe that is the difference. Like I said we do eat together when possible, but I just won't feed 5 people, at 2 different times. My kids want my time, not just seeing mom in the kitchen leaning and cooking.

FWIW, my kids are never gotten into any kid of trouble, not even so much as going down on the color scale while in elementary school for talking. They are in advanced classes, they make mostly A's and are all around great kids, at least that is what my friends who say that they would love to adopt them tell me. I am sure that yours are great too. I just believe that is has more to do with family time in general as opposed to meal times. That being said we do eat every meal together on the weekends.

 

[tlbwriter]

Since parents choose to be overworked, and to overshedule their kids with activities, there's no real quality time. As a result family members are forgetting how to relate to each other and eventually the family falls apart.

That's not only ignorant and judgmental, but it's a huge assumption. For a lot of families, these activities are family time. And a kid doesn't have to be "overscheduled" to miss dinner. What if you have three kids and they each only have one activity, but all of those activities are on different nights? Boom, there's three nights where the whole family can't sit down together.

I'm not minimizing the value of eating together. I do know it's important. But I think it's ridiculous to say that a family will "fall apart" simply because they tend to be busy between 5:00 and 8:00 on many weekdays.

 

[MrsPete]

Research also shows that kids who participate in sports are more successful . . . If you are going to try and run your life by "the best thing you can do for your kids" you are going to find that you have a contradictory set of information - and a life that is impossible to live.

While I agree that none of us can do EVERYTHING that's good for us, the majority of us DO manage to do what matters to us most -- at least most of the time.

For example, when my kids were little, I read with them every single day -- and now I have kids who love to read and are good students; on the other hand, I should probably just give up my gym membership because we just aren't using it. The point: We've done what matters most to us.

It is 8:30pm here. My oldest is still at his baseball game and has been there since 5:30 for warmups. He should be home around 9. I have a sick one at home and a husband who is working out of town this week. We are lucky that 3 of us got to eat together tonight. My oldest will probably get a frozen pizza and salad for dinner. He doesn't like reheated burgers ( what the rest of us had ) and there is NO way I was making the rest of the kids wait until 9 for dinner. Once again, you don't know everyones situation!

We all have crazy weeks on occasion when our normal routines just don't work -- but if that's your ALL THE TIME LIFE, I'd suggest that something needs to give. Baseball is -- what? -- a two month sport? Kids aren't sick all the time. Most spouses don't travel constantly.

Just because we can't manage dinner as a family EVERY NIGHT doesn't mean it shouldn't be a priority when it's possible. So during baseball season you eat early -- or you take a picnic to the ball park. When Dad's out of town, it's just you and the kids. As I said previously, it's not about eating. It's about family time.

I'm not sad at all that we can't eat dinner together - sheesh we are still a family that spends time together and a happy one at that.... Judgmental much

How do you manage? It's always interesting to hear how other people work around difficulties.

I'm thinking about a friend at church who told me about a dinner conflict that she had: She's a working single mother of four boys, and one night a week they had a major conflict. They had a church commitment and their family was wild about watching American Idol together. In between those things and homework, she couldn't get dinner on the table, so she asked her boys what they could do about it. Eating out wasn't in the budget. One of her youngest came up with the plan: They now have cereal night. She doesn't allow sugary cereals as a rule, but on that one night they get a box of something horribly sweet and they have a no-stress dinner together. It's a win-win-win situation. The boys felt that they came up with a good plan, and it hits all their priorities: Time together, cheap meal, still time for homewrok and church.

 

[mjkacmom]

We eat dinner together every night. I love to plan, prepare, cook and my husband makes sure he's home by dinner time, which is around 6 pm. Call us old fashioned, but that's very important to us. Playdates and activities are planned and scheduled before or after dinner, or mostly on the weekends. The kids never complain, it's just something that we do. Our oldest is 8 and is already asking when she can learn to cook real meals.

Since parents choose to be overworked, and to overshedule their kids with activities, there's no real quality time. As a result family members are forgetting how to relate to each other and eventually the family falls apart.

Your oldest is only eight - good luck with that in a few years! I'm sure all of the coaches, scout leaders, music directors, etc., will be asking your feedback when scheduling. And let's hope your DH keeps his current position.

 

[mhsjax]

While I agree that none of us can do EVERYTHING that's good for us, the majority of us DO manage to do what matters to us most -- at least most of the time.

For example, when my kids were little, I read with them every single day -- and now I have kids who love to read and are good students; on the other hand, I should probably just give up my gym membership because we just aren't using it. The point: We've done what matters most to us.We all have crazy weeks on occasion when our normal routines just don't work -- but if that's your ALL THE TIME LIFE, I'd suggest that something needs to give. Baseball is -- what? -- a two month sport? Kids aren't sick all the time. Most spouses don't travel constantly.

Just because we can't manage dinner as a family EVERY NIGHT doesn't mean it shouldn't be a priority when it's possible. So during baseball season you eat early -- or you take a picnic to the ball park. When Dad's out of town, it's just you and the kids. As I said previously, it's not about eating. It's about family time. How do you manage? It's always interesting to hear how other people work around difficulties.

I'm thinking about a friend at church who told me about a dinner conflict that she had: She's a working single mother of four boys, and one night a week they had a major conflict. They had a church commitment and their family was wild about watching American Idol together. In between those things and homework, she couldn't get dinner on the table, so she asked her boys what they could do about it. Eating out wasn't in the budget. One of her youngest came up with the plan: They now have cereal night. She doesn't allow sugary cereals as a rule, but on that one night they get a box of something horribly sweet and they have a no-stress dinner together. It's a win-win-win situation. The boys felt that they came up with a good plan, and it hits all their priorities: Time together, cheap meal, still time for homewrok and church.

I know this wasn't directed at me, but I will answer from my point of view. We do eat together when ever we can, this is weekends and for now about 3 nights during the week. This will change.

AS far as eating before, for us it won't work, my kids need just a little something in their bellies before practice or else they get sick, to eat a full meal and let it settle would mean eating at 4:00. Then they would be starving again after practice. Taking a picnic ins't happening where I am. Too much hassle, kids at different sports and plus it is FLorida, all the bugs and the heat. No thanks. WE will eat in shifts in the cool air with no bugs.

Some of the time and next year when DD starts with her heavy competitive cheer, it will be the divide an conquer routine. I will be no where near where my boys are so DH will have to shuttle them and sometimes we will switch.

My kids also see what we do and what we give up ,as far as eating together, as love. They know what a sacrifice is for us as parents to do all the driving around. They love their activities, and they are only in 1 each. but cheer goes almost year round. Tae Kwon do, is all year, and DS soccer is about 9 months, with a break in between seasons.

I can guarantee you that if we were to take away any of this activity, our family would be much worse off. There would be hurt feelings, laziness, a bit of feeling left out because their friends are in these activities. It wouldn't be a healthy situation for them.

Not everyone is like this. I said in an earlier post that when my kids were younger, that I would never do this. Well I ate crow and here I am. WE are very happy, very functional. OUr kids friends love spending time with us, because they say we are fun. I don't know how much better it can get.

PS. I have friends that do eat together every night. It isn't a fun time, it is uptight, and down right boring, but they think it is the "right" thing to do. It is forced and no one enjoys it. I have seen it many times with my own eyes, while eating at their house. I will take my way.

 

[jodifla]

We eat dinner together every night. I love to plan, prepare, cook and my husband makes sure he's home by dinner time, which is around 6 pm. Call us old fashioned, but that's very important to us. Playdates and activities are planned and scheduled before or after dinner, or mostly on the weekends. The kids never complain, it's just something that we do. Our oldest is 8 and is already asking when she can learn to cook real meals.

Since parents choose to be overworked, and to overshedule their kids with activities, there's no real quality time. As a result family members are forgetting how to relate to each other and eventually the family falls apart.

What???

Not everybody has the luxury of an Ozzie and Harriet life. There are people in jobs that require them to be working at traditional dinner time....and lucky for all of us that there are police officers on at 6 p.m. when you are robbed, or firefighters on duty to answer the call when your 8-year-old accidentally starts a fire at 5 p.m.!

My job requires night work, so I'm gone from 2-10 or 4-12 three nights a week. My husband's schedule means he isn't home until it's time to tuck my son into bed.

So my son eats early, and I eat with my husband four nights a week. We almost always eat a home-cooked meal in. Ironically, our family meals are the dinners we eat out.

It's not something we "chose" but the nature of our work makes it a necessity.

 

[budafam]

We eat together as much as possible. My DH is a very picky eater and rarely eats with us unless we do one of his meals but I always try to sit down and eat with my kids for each and every meal. My BIL's family NEVER eats together. They order out pizza almost every night and sit and play with their iphones or computers while eating. It drives me NUTS! Once when the kids were over visiting, they couldn't believe that I was actually COOKING a meal. I felt sad for them.

As for activities. We'll see when it comes to that time. I was never into activities growing up and I turned out just fine. I will never force my kids into anything. If they want to do it, great. If not, great. Completely up to them.

What works for some people doesn't work for others.

 

[ccgirl]

Disclaimer: I'm not judging anyone; I just thought this article was interesting/relevant to the...um, discussion, if that's what this is:

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1200760,00.html

"Studies show that the more often families eat together, the less likely kids are to smoke, drink, do drugs, get depressed, develop eating disorders and consider suicide, and the more likely they are to do well in school, delay having sex, eat their vegetables, learn big words and know which fork to use."

In my opinion, it isn't the so much eating together it is the actual communication. If you all just sit down and eat and no communication goes on it's not going to really "work". However, if you always have the lines of communication open your children will be less likely to do those things regardless if you eat dinner together or not.

We eat dinner together every night. I love to plan, prepare, cook and my husband makes sure he's home by dinner time, which is around 6 pm. Call us old fashioned, but that's very important to us. Playdates and activities are planned and scheduled before or after dinner, or mostly on the weekends. The kids never complain, it's just something that we do. Our oldest is 8 and is already asking when she can learn to cook real meals.

Since parents choose to be overworked, and to overshedule their kids with activities, there's no real quality time. As a result family members are forgetting how to relate to each other and eventually the family falls apart.

As others have pointed out, that bolded statement is very ignorant. Imagine if your husband left you or got laid off. Was it really your choice to be overworked? Family dynamics are different. As crazy as it sound to you, some mom's do choose to work. I am one of them. I do not choose to be overworked but I did choose to pursue a career. My children are not overscheduled either. She has swimming from 5:30 - 6:30. Sometimes she eats before swimming. Sometimes we all eat together after swimming. I also have a 3 year old whose bedtime is 7pm. So, that makes eating as a family a bit more difficult. It is important to remember no everyone's family dynamics are the same. I watch as we go out to eat on the weekends. We say grace before the meal and people point at us. There are plenty of people sitting down to eat as a family with no communication going on. They are texting, playing Nintendo DS etc. That is their right. That doesn not mean they don't communicate either.

I'm sure studies show that the more parents are involved the better of the child is. Even with my FT schedule I still find time to attend all school functions, participate in the PTO etc.

BTW, there is a HUGE difference between quality and quantity. Again, just because you all are sitting together doesn't mean it is quality time. I talk to my DD every day on the phone when she gets home from school. I sit down with her and really talk about her day and see if she has any questions about anything that happened throughout the day. I still pack her lunch and make her breakfast in the morning. This morning when I left to drop my DD off at school and for work my DS was still asleep. My DD and myself ate breakfast together. My DH leaves at 6:30am for work. I am certainly not going to wake up the whole family so we can eat breakfast together. My DH has a late meeting tonight so I will be eating with the kids. Technically, we are not eating together as a family.

I am not really seeing an issue here (other than people being judgemental). I haven't read any posts where parents weren't feeding their children.

 

[mjkacmom]

I remember when my kids were little, I said that there was no way that I would ever allow my kids to be involved in all of that, well I ate my words. Now I can't imagine having them home all the time. They are happy, we are happy, and we just find other ways to spend time together..

Oh, I totally ate my words! My next door neighbor's dd is 5 years older than my oldest. I told her she was crazy, and she told me to just wait. Let's see - tonight we have TKD at 4, baseball at 5, soccer at 6:30, dance at 6:30, voice at 6, soccer at 7 (DH coaches this one), and dd14 and I have a meeting at 7. We will only be missing one for dinner (served tonight at 5).

As for multiple activities, both boys want to play baseball and soccer, and soccer is year-round. Ds12 will most likely play just soccer in HS - he only has 2 more years of baseball, which he really enjoys. Time is limited when kids play sports. Once they get older, it's more competitive, and they're done. I don't expect any of my kids to play college sports, so I want them to have fun doing it now. If you don't have a kid who loves sports (and I have a few), you can't understand how much some kids love them.

 

[drewmer]

I find it amazing in our lunchroom the number of people and families who don't eat dinner or eat together at all. I work both FT and PT so I'm not home two days a week, but I fix dinner for my DD and DH otherwise it defeats the purpose of me working if they go out.

All meeting seem to be starting at 6pm and go to 7:30 - soccer, church, associations...

I can't tell you the number of times I get phone calls between 6 and 7:30 with friends just wanting to chat and I say, "are you eating" and they say no.

Maybe it's just me, but I find it very odd.

Anyone else notice this too?

I think it is great that you make this family time a priority. I know that everyone has teh right to live the way they want to but in my personal opinion any decline in the things that bond a family together is not a good thing.

 

[drewmer]

I find it amazing in our lunchroom the number of people and families who don't eat dinner or eat together at all. I work both FT and PT so I'm not home two days a week, but I fix dinner for my DD and DH otherwise it defeats the purpose of me working if they go out.

All meeting seem to be starting at 6pm and go to 7:30 - soccer, church, associations...

I can't tell you the number of times I get phone calls between 6 and 7:30 with friends just wanting to chat and I say, "are you eating" and they say no.

Maybe it's just me, but I find it very odd.

Anyone else notice this too?

I think it is great that you make this family time a priority. I know that everyone has teh right to live the way they want to but in my personal opinion any decline in the things that bond a family together is not a good thing.

 

[mhsjax]

We eat together as much as possible. My DH is a very picky eater and rarely eats with us unless we do one of his meals but I always try to sit down and eat with my kids for each and every meal. My BIL's family NEVER eats together. They order out pizza almost every night and sit and play with their iphones or computers while eating. It drives me NUTS! Once when the kids were over visiting, they couldn't believe that I was actually COOKING a meal. I felt sad for them.

As for activities. We'll see when it comes to that time. I was never into activities growing up and I turned out just fine. I will never force my kids into anything. If they want to do it, great. If not, great. Completely up to them.

What works for some people doesn't work for others.

And that is great, but where did you see anyone forcing their kids into something, and I am assuming that since you brought it up, that you may be assuming that some of us force our kids into it. As I have stated, it is my kids choice. I was like you growing up. But not my kids. they are going and doing.

 

[mhsjax]

In my opinion, it isn't the so much eating together it is the actual communication. If you all just sit down and eat and no communication goes on it's not going to really "work". However, if you always have the lines of communication open your children will be less likely to do those things regardless if you eat dinner together or not.



As others have pointed out, that bolded statement is very ignorant. Imagine if your husband left you or got laid off. Was it really your choice to be overworked? Family dynamics are different. As crazy as it sound to you, some mom's do choose to work. I am one of them. I do not choose to be overworked but I did choose to pursue a career. My children are not overscheduled either. She has swimming from 5:30 - 6:30. Sometimes she eats before swimming. Sometimes we all eat together after swimming. I also have a 3 year old whose bedtime is 7pm. So, that makes eating as a family a bit more difficult. It is important to remember no everyone's family dynamics are the same. I watch as we go out to eat on the weekends. We say grace before the meal and people point at us. There are plenty of people sitting down to eat as a family with no communication going on. They are texting, playing Nintendo DS etc. That is their right. That doesn not mean they don't communicate either.

I'm sure studies show that the more parents are involved the better of the child is. Even with my FT schedule I still find time to attend all school functions, participate in the PTO etc.

BTW, there is a HUGE difference between quality and quantity. Again, just because you all are sitting together doesn't mean it is quality time. I talk to my DD every day on the phone when she gets home from school. I sit down with her and really talk about her day and see if she has any questions about anything that happened throughout the day. I still pack her lunch and make her breakfast in the morning. This morning when I left to drop my DD off at school and for work my DS was still asleep. My DD and myself ate breakfast together. My DH leaves at 6:30am for work. I am certainly not going to wake up the whole family so we can eat breakfast together. My DH has a late meeting tonight so I will be eating with the kids. Technically, we are not eating together as a family.

I am not really seeing an issue here (other than people being judgemental). I haven't read any posts where parents weren't feeding their children.

I have some of my best conversations in the car with my kids. Because it is one to one time. I drive and they just talk, about their day, abut what is going on in their lives. This type of conversation doesn't happen at the dinner table for us, there are 5 and things don't get that personal, but in the car one on one is great.

 

[lillygator]

hopefully everyone sticks around the DIS for a few more years...it will be interesting to see how the ozzie and harriet kids turn out compared to the kids who belong to the "overworked, and to overshedule their kids with activities, there's no real quality time. As a result family members are forgetting how to relate to each other and eventually the family falls apart."


let's see who's family falls apart.....

 

[mdsoccermom]

I think it is great that you make this family time a priority. I know that everyone has teh right to live the way they want to but in my personal opinion any decline in the things that bond a family together is not a good thing.

I guess everyone has a different idea of what bonds a family together. Some people have an idea that the only way to bond is sitting around a dinner table. I don't. I know from experience with my family that there are so many other ways to get meaningful family time.

 

[crisi]

hopefully everyone sticks around the DIS for a few more years...it will be interesting to see how the ozzie and harriet kids turn out compared to the kids who belong to the "overworked, and to overshedule their kids with activities, there's no real quality time. As a result family members are forgetting how to relate to each other and eventually the family falls apart."


let's see who's family falls apart.....

You really don't have to wait. We've been raising both kinds of kids for a generation - almost two. And sometimes the Ozzie and Harriett families turn out great, and sometimes they are dysfunctional messes. And sometimes the overscheduled, overworked families turn out great, and sometimes they are dysfunctional messes.

From what I've read, the biggest factor to success in a family is making sure that your family lives ITS values - not those of your neighbors. A family that is made up of people who LIKE going different directions and being busy is going to be more successful with that model than if they try and force themselves into sit down dinners that are resented. Likewise, a family that values sit down dinners is going to resent finding themselves scheduled into that becoming impossible or even very difficult to work into their lives.

And the model that works for your family may change over time, it may need to be adjusted as different people have different needs. You may get to the point where forcing a teenager to have family meals builds more resentment than creates closeness. Likewise, you may be put in a situation where you require the support that more togetherness creates and find yourself dropping activities you were formerly very happy participating in.