Is DH being too protective or am I being too laid back?

[Wishing on a star]

Exactly, and every backyard swimming pool, and even public pool, water park, busy street, etc.... You hear the stories all the time.

The assumption that 'somebody will be watching' while in busy, distracting, situations can be a very dangerous one.

 

[maddiel]

The assumption that 'somebody will be watching' while in busy, distracting, situations can be a very dangerous one.

The assumption that grandparents and other relatives will be around and healthy when your child is older is also dangerous, although in a different way.

M.

 

[Straycat]

I'm with your husband on this one. I wouldn't let my 4 year old go to a large family gathering without one or both of us there. No one watches your child like you do and what if... Sorry bad health FIL and his GF, we'll see ya the next day.

 

[disneybound2010]

DH just called to tell me to let me know he's on his way home. I talked to him for a few minutes and apologized for not talking to him about it( you all made some VERY valid points) In a strange twist, he starts thanking me for making the decision to let DS go. Yes, he worries, but he said he also knows that DS is safe with everyone andf that there are always 10 sets of eyes on any one child. He's happy that DS will have ths chance and have these memories.

Yes, we are going down tomorrow. Yes, DS will have an opportunity to be with his cousins tomorrow, but this is the only time of year that he gets to see many of them and why not take every opportunity to spend that time with them?

 

[cocodog]

You are a good and generous mom. One of the most important parts of parenthood is 'giving them wings'. DH could lighten up a bit, but it is important that you consult with each other before a decision is announced..

 

[disykat]

The assumption that grandparents and other relatives will be around and healthy when your child is older is also dangerous, although in a different way.

M.

No one is assuming that. The OP's post said nothing about keeping her kids from seeing the grandparents or other relatives. He is going to see them all the next day. The disagreement is about sending him to be supervised by someone else this one particular day.

Sure, they could all die overnight and he would have missed that opportunity. Then again, they could all die at the party and they would have saved his life.

I can't imagine living my life second guessing every decision that has to do with my family because they could die at any moment.

 

[JessicaR]

DH just called to tell me to let me know he's on his way home. I talked to him for a few minutes and apologized for not talking to him about it( you all made some VERY valid points) In a strange twist, he starts thanking me for making the decision to let DS go. Yes, he worries, but he said he also knows that DS is safe with everyone andf that there are always 10 sets of eyes on any one child. He's happy that DS will have ths chance and have these memories.

Yes, we are going down tomorrow. Yes, DS will have an opportunity to be with his cousins tomorrow, but this is the only time of year that he gets to see many of them and why not take every opportunity to spend that time with them?

Sounds great.

 

[Bluestars]

I'm with your DH. Your son is four, not eight or nine. I don't think there's anything helicoptery about a parent prefering to supervise their own preschool aged child at a large family gathering where everyone will be milling about. Your DH has just as much of a right to have gut feelings and say no to something as you do. Actually, since this is HIS family I think he has more say on this one than you! This does not seem to me to be something to fight over. Your son gets to go the next day, right?

I feel the same way. If my husband felt uncomfortable about something, I would respect his opinion. I would not feel comfortable letting my 4 yr old go to a reunion without being supervised by me or my husband. Luckily my husband felt the same way when our kids were little.

 

[tonilea]

I agree with you, and in your shoes would let my child go with my parent to a family function.

However, if my husband felt so strongly against it I would respect his feelings and not let my child go. Your little one is just 4, and there will be other opportunities.

This, exactly.

 

[acejka]

I think he's being a little overprotective... its a night out with his grandpa... I mean in just a year or so he is going to be going to school all day without yall around.

As long as they haven't given you a reason to think otherwise, I would find it safe... now, would I let my own child stay alone with my FIL? No, but that is because he is an alcoholic who gets drunk and loses his temper too fast. I or my DH definitely have to be there in the same situation, but with my inlaws.

 

[bumbershoot]

Glad it seems to be working out. Hope everything went well at the party. Also hope that the little guy doesn't get so burned out by going there today that he's in a miserable temper tomorrow, as happened to DS at Disneyland when he was that age, but we only realized it later on in thinking about why he was 'acting like that'.

If your dh doesn't think anyone in his family can be trusted with your ds's care and safety then I think he is being overprotective.

I always go with "a person who won't let kids be alone with the person's parent KNOWS something about the parent".

I'm with your DH. Your son is four, not eight or nine. I don't think there's anything helicoptery about a parent prefering to supervise their own preschool aged child at a large family gathering where everyone will be milling about. Your DH has just as much of a right to have gut feelings and say no to something as you do. Actually, since this is HIS family I think he has more say on this one than you! This does not seem to me to be something to fight over. Your son gets to go the next day, right?

I definitely agreed with that one!


2 years ago I posted about DH's gut feelings regarding the behaviour of his niece towards our son. They were, at the time, 9 and 3. We were trying to make excuses for her b/c of cultural upbringing (Dh and his sister's mom is Korean, and they were raised in a mainly Korean culture family while FIL was gone, and there's much more physical closeness, cousins are called "brother" or "sister", family beds are common, etc etc), trying to imagine we were just seeing things wrong, letting her have some of her way because she rarely gets it.... But ultimately DH's alarm bells were clanging too loud to be ignored, and we separated them.

I posted about it here, and to a person people agreed with my husband. His instincts were right *because he knew everyone involved*, and knew how he and his sister were raised, and therefore knew what sort of child his sister might have helped to raise (with the help of her now-ex-husband, a felon and active heroin user, who actually did a far better job with the girls than SHE did).

Doesn't seem that this is the issue here, I certainly hope not, but I'm really glad that I listened to DH's instincts (even if I needed to float it by 1000 strangers on the CB to be *happy* with the decision after giving him the greenlight to take control) that evening. We haven't let DS near his cousins since then.


OH, and none of the grandparents in my family could watch a small child in the way we feel is appropriate.

My mom could have, but she's dead.

FIL could, sort of, but in small, contained areas (like they had a GRAND time messing around in FIL's truck while it was parked one time), and he was an "old man" even when he was 45, let alone in his 70s. Moot point as he's dead too.

MIL is mean and gets exhausted and sick, and hits.

My dad, yeah, my dad is such a piece of work that he had me believing in jackalopes WAY too long (I might still believe) and had another group of kids believing that he had elephant feet in his oven for Thanksgiving...he's an accomplished liar with a strange sense of age-appropriateness (if anyone has seen the arthouse movie Walkabout from the 70s, he took me and my younger brother to see it when we were just a bit younger than the sister and brother in the movie). Not leaving him alone with DS!

And we're not being helicoptery about it either. Heck, even DS doesn't want to be alone with grandma. We had her watch him when he was 4 so we could go to a work party, and she called one of her friends over who spoke only Korean with MIL, which DS doesn't understand (b/c she never really taught DH, and won't teach DS, and we don't have 600+ for Rosetta programs), and the friend freaked him out.



So I was on your husband's side, until he changed his mind. 4 is very very young (easy to see once they are older than that...by the way your sig says he's 3). No need to worry about making him be away from the two of you; kids that age love their parents, love being with them, the safety and comfort of their parents...they'll WANT to go away soon enough. I keep my little dude close while he still likes it!

 

[quasar4legs]

Have a wonderful time with your family, glad things worked out so well.
Quasar

 

[disneybound2010]

Well, DS is alive and safe. He apparently had a great time and ended up spending the night at DGF's house. HOWEVER, we did have one MAJOR issue.

DH told me last night that he wasn't worried about DS going with them because he wouldn't be safe, he was more concerned that DS wouldn't listen or that he would run away. I had gone over and over with DS about how to behave, listen to the adults, follow the rules. The ONLY RULE I had for GF and GF were to keep DS away from the creek. I have taken DS to lots of lakes,creeks and pools, but this creek is contaminated and not good for children(it used to be a great place to swim,but not anymore)

The parents decided to take the children down to skip rocks and let them play in it(most of the families are out of town and don't know about what has been dumped in there now) GF, who knew my 1 rule, sees no problem with taking DS down to skip rocks. She lets him play for a bit and then one of the dogs knocks DS into the water. DS ends up soaked. GF laughs about it and said since he was already wet, she just let him play


DS was so excited when I talked to him last night. I couldn't be mad at him because he did exactly what I asked. He was perfect down there and he LISTENED to the adults. He did just what GF said and he didn't go anywhere she didn't take him. DGF and GF will not be taking him anywhere ever again.

DH is beyond peeved. He told me that in no way is he upset with me...his concerns with DS going down were that DS would not listen and run off. He never in a million years would have thought that his Dad and GF would go against us like this. I, of course, want to kick my self for saying yes now.

For all of you that said NAY to the idea, I'm beating you to it....YOU TOLD ME SO!

 

[mjkacmom]

By the time all of my kids were 4, they had been left with my parents for at least 5 days straight. I would've loved to have the same relationship with my grandparents that my kids are blessed with. My parents take my kids many, many places without us.

 

[sunnyday123]

Well, DS is alive and safe. He apparently had a great time and ended up spending the night at DGF's house. HOWEVER, we did have one MAJOR issue.

DH told me last night that he wasn't worried about DS going with them because he wouldn't be safe, he was more concerned that DS wouldn't listen or that he would run away. I had gone over and over with DS about how to behave, listen to the adults, follow the rules. The ONLY RULE I had for GF and GF were to keep DS away from the creek. I have taken DS to lots of lakes,creeks and pools, but this creek is contaminated and not good for children(it used to be a great place to swim,but not anymore)

The parents decided to take the children down to skip rocks and let them play in it(most of the families are out of town and don't know about what has been dumped in there now) GF, who knew my 1 rule, sees no problem with taking DS down to skip rocks. She lets him play for a bit and then one of the dogs knocks DS into the water. DS ends up soaked. GF laughs about it and said since he was already wet, she just let him play


DS was so excited when I talked to him last night. I couldn't be mad at him because he did exactly what I asked. He was perfect down there and he LISTENED to the adults. He did just what GF said and he didn't go anywhere she didn't take him. DGF and GF will not be taking him anywhere ever again.

DH is beyond peeved. He told me that in no way is he upset with me...his concerns with DS going down were that DS would not listen and run off. He never in a million years would have thought that his Dad and GF would go against us like this. I, of course, want to kick my self for saying yes now.

For all of you that said NAY to the idea, I'm beating you to it....YOU TOLD ME SO!

Yea, that'd be it for me too. Sorry it happened, but glad he's ok and had a great time!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yep, some of us did!
OP, I am glad it worked out well in the end.....

There is big news story for the 4th of July and the summer.
Then numbers of accidents related to pools, etc... are really increasing, and authorities are reminding parents to KEEP YOUR CHILDREN SAFE!!!

There was a young child severely burned in a campfire accident, a good percentage of their body, and airlifted out for treatment.

Why anyone wants to call horrible names, make unfounded accusations, and use huge guilt trips, because the child might not have been there till the next day, is just Incredible parent-bashing at its worse. Just completely uncalled for and quite ridiculous.

We were talking about a FOUR YEAR OLD.
And, it wasn't a 'night with grandpa'... It was a big event.
Believe me, when it comes to a very small child, too many people have learned the hard way that TEN pairs of distracted eyes might not be better than one committed parent.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I think he's being a little overprotective... its a night out with his grandpa... I mean in just a year or so he is going to be going to school all day without yall around.

As long as they haven't given you a reason to think otherwise, I would find it safe... now, would I let my own child stay alone with my FIL? No, but that is because he is an alcoholic who gets drunk and loses his temper too fast. I or my DH definitely have to be there in the same situation, but with my inlaws.

Two completely different environments. Teachers and administrators go way out of their way making sure students are safe.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Yep, some of us did!
OP, I am glad it worked out well in the end.....

There is big news story for the 4th of July and the summer.
Then numbers of accidents related to pools, etc... are really increasing, and authorities are reminding parents to KEEP YOUR CHILDREN SAFE!!!

There was a young child severely burned in a campfire accident, a good percentage of their body, and airlifted out for treatment.

Why anyone wants to call horrible names, make unfounded accusations, and use huge guilt trips, because the child might not have been there till the next day, is just Incredible parent-bashing at its worse. Just completely uncalled for and quite ridiculous.

We were talking about a FOUR YEAR OLD.
And, it wasn't a 'night with grandpa'... It was a big event.
Believe me, when it comes to a very small child, too many people have learned the hard way that TEN pairs of distracted eyes might not be better than one committed parent.

Yep. That's the most important issue here, I think.

OP, glad your son is safe. That's probably the main reason I won't let my youngest go places with my parents. They are much more lax than I am and they think their way is right, so they'd probably disregard my wishes and rules.

In fact, when they took my oldest on a cruise (when he was 10), they did disregard one of the very few (3?) "rules" I gave them. Yes, he was fine, but it may not have turned out that way.

 

[wdwfan16]

What is wrong with letting a 4 year old spend time with his grandfather? You DH is being a helicopter parent. Let you son go and have fun.

I am glad you let him go and he had a great time.

 

[plutotek]

I'm glad things worked out for all of you. For me, it would have been a situational deal. I would let my son go w/his maternal grandparents, no problem. As much as I didn't get along w/my in-laws, I knew my son was in good hands (they took extra care due to him being the only grandchild they had at that time, and the prospect of another was slim).

Now, MY mother is a different story. When my son was that age, my father had suffered brain damage due to a heart attack, so my mother had enough on her plate taking care of him. Factor in the elbow problem (couldn't help tipping it), and in no uncertain terms was I going to allow him to be alone w/her.

Again, glad things worked out and it was an overall positive for everyone.