Inspired by the thread on ODD.....When do boys mature?

[Chris2597]

I read with interest the thread about ODD. My DS has been very difficult since 7th grade. He is almost 21 and showing occasional signs of maturing but still is very defiant, doing things his way. He graduated 2 yrs ago and has sat around, saying he isnt sure what he wants to do, quit his part time job and hasnt worked in 10 months. He totaled his car (actually my car that I let him use). I have refused to buy him a replacement, which would be car number 4 from us. He says he has no plans to work, go to school and that we should allow this until he is ready. He got an MIP (minor in possesion of alcohol) in April and owes 150 court cost, community service, and must attend alcohol awareness class within the 6 months probationary time to keep it off his record. Since this was his second MIP we declined to loan him the money for the fine, telling him to get a job on the bus line or within walking distance. So far he has done nothing to earn the $$ to pay his fines to the court. It would be so easy to pay this and hope for the best but I feel that we need to draw the line and let him face his consequences. An attorney friend explained to him that he could actually have to pay off his debt by spending time in jail if he doesnt pay the court.
I keep waiting for the maturation process to kick in that I have read about, but I think we some delayed development.
Any thoughts on this??

 

[FreshTressa]

My brother is 48 and is still not grown up. My husband was 'grown up' at 14.

So, as to when, I would say whenever they have to.

Sorry you are going through this.

 

[minkydog]

it does seem to take some boys a long time to grow up. My DS is 20. he graduated HS last year and went to college for 2 semesters, then dropped out(poor grades) We required that he get a job. Frankly, I'm not sure what we would have done if he refused--i really don't want a big confrontation with him. We stopped paying for pretty much everything including all food but the basics. He still lives in the basement and he seems to be waiting for something to happen. If he were the kind of kid who caused trouble I would be a lot more put out. But he's content with things, helps with housework, takes care of his younger sibs, and works full-time.As Capn Jack would say, "you need a girl, mate!"

I don't have any answers for you, but I have lots of sympathy. I'm sure there will be someone along in a minute who will flame us both Let the superiority begin!

 

[XYSRUS]

I say let him find his own place to live and get a job. What is with these kids living at home forever? It's not healthy for the kids or the parents. You're either at college, getting a degree so you can be independent or you have a job and are independent. This is your kid laughing b/c he's got it great and has no worries and is slacking. I don't mean to sound harsh 'cause I know every situation is different, but enough is enough.

 

[aprilgail2]

boys rarely mature...and it seems just when they do they go through a mid life crisis and revert back to being 18 again!

 

[Pin Wizard]

At that point, the only options in my book are either get to school or find a job that pays the bills. As usual, I push for school though.

I still wonder when the 45 year old males I've come across will mature. Honestly, I never thought I'd be so quick to write them off, but I am! I don't have tolerance for the immaturity. And what's with them being snakes? Geez! I don't ever remember my dad acting like these "men" do. It's horrible.

 

[Robinrs]

It depends totally on the male, his standing in his family growing up and lots of socially inspired experiences along the way.

My son, Dad, nephew and ex DH were the oldest or only male in their families. They developed a very large sense of responsibility very early in life and take it on without difficulty or complaining.

MOST of the men I've known in my life have a hard time coming up to this example. I once had a therapist tell me that I'm comparing all incoming men to "supermen" and it was a hard thing for them to come up to....

For instance, my current BF is 43 and is deep down a very immature child who has NEVER grown up and I doubt will. His childhood was full of disappointments and he holds onto being that child he was never allowed to be. He has a younger brother who is the ACHIEVER of the family and he spends his life being angry about that.... yes, I'm SICK TO DEATH of it...

A few years ago I would've answered your question NEVER!!! But having a boy child has made me realize that each one has their own personalities and trials and we cannot paint them with one brush.

 

[golfgal]

I read with interest the thread about ODD. My DS has been very difficult since 7th grade. He is almost 21 and showing occasional signs of maturing but still is very defiant, doing things his way. He graduated 2 yrs ago and has sat around, saying he isnt sure what he wants to do, quit his part time job and hasnt worked in 10 months. He totaled his car (actually my car that I let him use). I have refused to buy him a replacement, which would be car number 4 from us. He says he has no plans to work, go to school and that we should allow this until he is ready. He got an MIP (minor in possesion of alcohol) in April and owes 150 court cost, community service, and must attend alcohol awareness class within the 6 months probationary time to keep it off his record. Since this was his second MIP we declined to loan him the money for the fine, telling him to get a job on the bus line or within walking distance. So far he has done nothing to earn the $$ to pay his fines to the court. It would be so easy to pay this and hope for the best but I feel that we need to draw the line and let him face his consequences. An attorney friend explained to him that he could actually have to pay off his debt by spending time in jail if he doesnt pay the court.
I keep waiting for the maturation process to kick in that I have read about, but I think we some delayed development.
Any thoughts on this??

My thoughts are he won't grow up until you make him grow up by kicking him out of the house and make him do everything for himself. A 21 year old with no job, no school, etc. is never going to grow up if he continues to live at home with no responsibilities. I would lay down the law, he has 2-3 months to find a job or start school otherwise he is out of the house. My inlaws had to do this for one of their children, it was the hardest thing they ever had to do but he is a very responsible adult now but had they never made him leave, he would still be mooching off mom/dad almost 20 years later.

 

[flortlebap]

I don't think men ever grow up.

Maybe when they're dead?

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I think that there are some men, and some women, who will never become self-sufficient until their life circumstances demand that they do so.

 

[MELSMICE]

My thoughts are he won't grow up until you make him grow up.

ITA. I think it's called Tough Love & probably one of the most difficult things a parent has to face but probably one of the best things for your child.

I will bite my tongue & not say anymore. Good luck.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think some people (men or women) mature faster or more than others. Much depends on their nature and the rest depends on their nurture.

My parents were big into personal responsibility and having me suffer or enjoy the consequences of my decisions. Many of my friends' parents did not do that, but instead coddled them, fought their battles for them, gave them everything they wanted and so forth. I then went to nursing school at age 18 because essentially, there was never any discussion in my house of "do you want to go to college" it was a discussion about "where do you want to go to college". Seeing the things one tends to see as a nurse tends to mature you and give you some good perspective on life. Many of my friends had parents who allowed them to flounder after high school. I guess it was the idea of my parents having expectations for me that they made very clear about my behavior, what choices they expected me to make, the fact that they taught me good judgement and so on.

In your situation, my parents would not have bought me any cars, let alone 4. I was a "good" kid...polite, kind, helpful, did well in school and so forth...and they never bought me a car, I bought my own. I also would not have been living in their home without working for 10 months. I would have had a perod of time to find a job, and move out.

I may make them sound like they were terrible people, strict disciplinarians and so forth, but they truly weren't. As a child, I don't think I got spanked more than 5 times (if that) in my entire life, and we are talking about back in the 60's and 70's when spanking was not the hot button issue it is now. I barely got yelled at. They really did it all by talking and by example, by limit-setting and by gaining control early on and never letting go. I was never afraid of my parents, like many of my freinds were of their parents. I always felt like I could talk to them about pretty much anything...maybe a few subjects were taboo, but not many!!! ...and to this day we have a great relationship.

As far as your son, I have no idea what to do. It's tough to undo what has been years of bad behavior.

I have my own opinions about all these labels we give kids today. I think a lot of them become crutches for lower expectations. "My Johnny can't sit still because he has ADHD". "My Susie can't listen because she has ODD". I don't know...I don't remember kids having all these disorders back when I was a kid. I wonder what has changed? Is it parenting? Is it our environment?

 

[MELSMICE]

I think some people (men or women) mature faster or more than others. Much depends on their nature and the rest depends on their nurture.

My parents were big into personal responsibility and having me suffer or enjoy the consequences of my decisions. Many of my friends' parents did not do that, but instead coddled them, fought their battles for them, gave them everything they wanted and so forth. I then went to nursing school at age 18 because essentially, there was never any discussion in my house of "do you want to go to college" it was a discussion about "where do you want to go to college". Seeing the things one tends to see as a nurse tends to mature you and give you some good perspective on life. Many of my friends had parents who allowed them to flounder after high school. I guess it was the idea of my parents having expectations for me that they made very clear about my behavior, what choices they expected me to make, the fact that they taught me good judgement and so on.

In your situation, my parents would not have bought me any cars, let alone 4. I was a "good" kid...polite, kind, helpful, did well in school and so forth...and they never bought me a car, I bought my own. I also would not have been living in their home without working for 10 months. I would have had a perod of time to find a job, and move out.

I may make them sound like they were terrible people, strict disciplinarians and so forth, but they truly weren't. As a child, I don't think I got spanked more than 5 times (if that) in my entire life, and we are talking about back in the 60's and 70's when spanking was not the hot button issue it is now. I barely got yelled at. They really did it all by talking and by example, by limit-setting and by gaining control early on and never letting go. I was never afraid of my parents, like many of my freinds were of their parents. I always felt like I could talk to them about pretty much anything...maybe a few subjects were taboo, but not many!!! ...and to this day we have a great relationship.

As far as your son, I have no idea what to do. It's tough to undo what has been years of bad behavior.

I have my own opinions about all these labels we give kids today. I think a lot of them become crutches for lower expectations. "My Johnny can't sit still because he has ADHD". "My Susie can't listen because she has ODD". I don't know...I don't remember kids having all these disorders back when I was a kid. I wonder what has changed? Is it parenting? Is it our environment?

(& where is the applause smilie when you need one!)

 

[LindaG4458]

My brother is 56 and still hasn't grown up. We thought it would happen when my mother died, when he was 39, but one of my aunts has more or less replaced her. He is the kind of person that can emotionally suck you dry and then move on to someone else. Divorced once, widowed once, at least one broken engagement. It's probably too late now.

 

[Ginamarie]

It all depends. We thought my brother was never going to grow up. He had problems all through HS and dropped out of college (TWICE) and he was awful about spending all his money. He started to mature when he started working full time and was proud of the work he did every day, but what's really changed him has been that he fell in love with a sweet girl. She helped him focus on paying off his debts and working towards a brighter future. I've been so proud of him the last couple of years (He's 25 years old now).