Inspired by questioner! Does your family dislike your spouse (& vice versa)

[bajanswife]

My parents adore my DH - they think of him as a son, and there isn't anything they wouldn't do to help him. They think he drinks a little too much sometimes (and he does, that's the truth - but it's not often, and it's usually when he's been out fishing with guys who really like their liquor, and he gets caught up in it). But that concerns them - it doesn't make them love him any less. DH likes them too, thought I'm not sure if his feelings are as strong as "love" - he's a very independent sort, who doesn't get close to people easily. He has been known to discuss difficult issues with them, though, and he does greatly respect them and care about them. The rest of my family are fine with DH too - in fact DH can get along with anyone. I have never known anyone who didn't like him, actually.

DH's dad seems to like me quite a bit - he asks me for advice on things, I do his chicken farm financial statements for him in exchange for chicken, he talks about the problems he has with his second wife (they are in the process of divorcing, but they still live together because neither can afford their own place until the house sells). DH's mom is divorced from his dad and lives in Venezuela, so I don't really know her at all (only met her a few times before DH and I were married). I like DH's dad well enough, but I can't say we're close enough that I "love" him like a dad. When we go to a family event at one of DH's aunts, I get along with everyone - they are all loving, friendly and kind, so no issues at all there.

Our families get along together OK too - DH's dad has been to a couple of our Christmas lunches, and many times we've had our families together for kid's birthdays or just casual lunch or dinner.

Thankfully, we don't have family issues between DH and I!

 

[we3disneygo]

my family has been more of a family to dh than his own, his family is just crazy.. my mil bent over backward for bil's wife and 2yr. kid ( father unknown) and he meet her at a bar....they were married, divorice, married, divorice....2 more kids later......only 1 kid looks like the dad, but mil did everything for these kids, they don't even act like my dd or dh is alive .....they only live 45 mins. from us but we never see them unless we bump into them while out shopping....... can't tell ya how uncomfortable that is.......... ran into them at sams club mil was with sis in law and dh was so mad he bent his sam's club card and broke it so we hardly talk about them and have stopped trying to do the right thing and just do the things with my family.... i also have a step mother and my dad to add to the mix that's a whole different story...the worst part is they live 12 miles from the mouse and she loves to ruin our time......we are planning a trip next fall and i don't really want to tell them but i know dd11 will...........

 

[CheshireVal]

My family loves my DH.

I don't know how *his* family really feels about me, though, though they are always very nice.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

well for the most part DH likes family ( aunts uncles cousins grandparents) like me
they have always been nice
but his mom and 3 brothers dont really like me
and i dont care they think im a spoiled snob whatever

i think they are poor and uneducated and want to do nothing with there lives
its there choice to do nothing and then complain they have nothing

my parents like my DH but sometimes get frustrated in how he asks or handles things they feel like he has picked up alot bad habits from his mom who has a several mental problem ( she is a constant source of frustration and drama )

i love my DH but his family has put a strain on things more than once he allows it i dont speak with his mom

 

[Sleepy]

I think my parents like my husband more than they like me

I wish I could say the same about his parents. His father hated my guts to the day he died and his mother refuses to speak to me. Needless to say I did not go to their house. They are my In-laws.....not my parents. I don't have to go out of my way to make them like me. With them or without them, my life remains unchanged. It's what my HUSBAND thinks of me that is most important.

 

[NMAmy]

My ex MIL hated me although this has turned around now that she has a new DIL and according to dd, she talks about how wonderful I was all the time now. We moved 2000 miles away to get away from her.

My mom adores DH and treats him better than she treats her own dd's. I know if we got split up, she'd want to keep him instead of me. When I went to meet my IL's in London, both of my SIL's tried to prepare me that my MIL doesn't like any of her boys' wives and she'd probably treat me poorly. I was terrified but she adored me and I felt the same way about her. My SIL's were a bit annoyed but oh, well. My FIL is a lot like DH and we got along quite well, too.

 

[WDWLVR]

My late Mother adored my DH and he adored her as well.

My in-laws were always welcoming to me and to my mom and she was included in all family functions. Lately there has been some distance between us and my in-laws. I think most of this is based on not wanting to travel with them any more. It just got to be too hard. They would want us to plan everything and then they would criticize it all. So we both agreed that we are better off traveling without them. It has been great for us but I think they resent us a bit now because of it. We still love and care for them a lot, just can't travel with them. Plus I know all too well the one son is better than the other. The sun rises and sets on their younger son and he can do no wrong.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, not married yet, but thought I'd add mine too:

My BF and my parents get on great (I'm the one who has a fiery relationship with my parents). Me and his parents get on fine, but...

- His dad will often 'show off' and laugh at me over really childish things. It's embarassing and no one else is laughing so I just don't get it. Makes me feel really small and stupid (maybe going back to when I was bullied when I was little?)
- His mum will go way out of her way to help my BF's older sister. This girl has commited credit card fraud on her exBF's mother (but her parents paid off the debt so her ex's parents didn't take her to court), does drugs, treats my BF like cr*p and then 'goes crying to mammy' when he decides that he doesn't want to talk to her anymore, steals BF's DVD's... this girl is 23yrs old! Can't wait for the reactions when everyone finds out that she will not be invited to our wedding...
Before I knew about all of the above I would encourage my BF to 'give her another chance', but then I found out. It's like everyone walks on eggshells around her too! Winds me up..
I've actually been really proud of BF for sticking to his guns over not seeing/speaking to her because he usually just tries to keep everyone happy no matter what. I've told him that I'll always be 100% behind him whatever he decides.

So you are getting married and you are not going to invite your future SIL to your wedding.

I assume that is your fiance's decision and not yours, and if he changed his mind and decided to invite her, you'd still support him 100% right?

I will give you advice you have not asked for...sorry. Prepare yourself to be blamed for your future SIL not being invited to your wedding, because it will happen. And your DFiance can tell his mother 12 ways from Tuesday that it is his decision, and she will still blame you. She will say that he is taking the blame to protect you. She will say that you are trying to break up his family. Your future MIL has an enabling personality. I wish you well.

OOPs!! Forgot to answer the original question: My parents love DH. They think of him as another son. He and my DB get along well too. His parents loved me and I them when they were alive, especially my DFIL. He & I had a very special relationship. DH has 3 sisters, 2 who are nice and we get along great. The other one is a nut and couldn't get along with Jesus Christ. Overall, I consider us fortunate. Other than the nut, everybody gets on very well.

 

[Jeafl]

My family adores my dh. I don't think my inlaws like me that much but that's the way life goes

I honestly cannot imagine anyone not liking you, you are one of the sweetest people I have ever come across. Definintely their loss.

My family loves my husband, and my in laws like me, However, I do not like my in-laws, They have done some unforgivable things to my husband in the past, and I cannot forget them as hard as I try.

 

[minkydog]

Well, my DH was the "golden boy" for 23years until last summer when he stuck up for me during one of my mom's many tirades(she was angry that I was taking care of my dying father, her ex). He wasn't unkind,but he flat out told her she was being unsupportive and mean. (All true, btw; you have no idea how hateful she was to me and my kids) She got mad and flounced off, complaining all the way. Anyway since then she is very awkward with my DH, and he has fallen from his pedestal--not that he particularly cares. We live 400 miles away, so we only see her a couple times a year.

Now, i have 2 BILs whom Mother cannot stand, and one she barely tolerates. It seems to me that SHE is the one with the problem--surely all 4 girls wouldn't have married complete clods. (Although I have to admit, there is one BIL who is an ignorant jerk, but he's still invited to all our family digs.)

 

[VSL]

So you are getting married and you are not going to invite your future SIL to your wedding.

I assume that is your fiance's decision and not yours, and if he changed his mind and decided to invite her, you'd still support him 100% right?

I will give you advice you have not asked for...sorry. Prepare yourself to be blamed for your future SIL not being invited to your wedding, because it will happen. And your DFiance can tell his mother 12 ways from Tuesday that it is his decision, and she will still blame you. She will say that he is taking the blame to protect you. She will say that you are trying to break up his family. Your future MIL has an enabling personality. I wish you well.

Yes, I've told him that it's his sister and he has to decide what's right for him.

You've really got the wrong impression about my FMIL - she's like my BF in that she just wants everyone to be happy. She's far too soft on FSIL and because FSIL kicks up a fuss and stuff, FMIL just tries to keep her happy to keep the peace. The rest of the family (including FMIL sister who she is very close to) are all in general agreement that FSIL needs to grow-up.

My BF quite hasn't spoken to his sister for quite some time now, and no one has blamed me (she hasn't done anything to me and I keep my mouth shut about her). My FMIL is a complete sweetie - that is the problem. She's not at all wicked.

 

[lecach]

I know that my family loves DH. No doubts. My inlaws act like they love me - but for some reason I doubt it a bit. I think they would treat me the same whether they like me or not. I know that I could ask them to do anything and they would. I just dont know if its 100% genuine. Does that make any sense? My SIL is hard to figure. She's always been nice to my face but has said a few snarky things about me to DH. My DH's great aunt and uncle are also nice to me - but I really doubt that they love me. They tried to convince DH that he didnt need to get married. Not sure why. I guess all in all they act like they like me, they treat me like family, and they invite me to everything. But would they choose someone different for DH? Possibly. Of course now that I have produced the first - and likely only - grandchild they are all over the moon.

Personally I would like to avoid any of their family get togethers. Its not that I hate them. But I just dont enjoy spending time with them. But especially with a baby its impossible. Lucky for me that DH travels a lot so we miss quite a few of their get togethers. They dont believe in short visits. If we go to their house for dinner (they live 45 minutes away) its an all day, 7 hour minimum thing. With a lot of the time spent playing cards which I dislike.

Oh well - I guess I shouldnt complain. I have it better than a lot of people.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

My parents love DH. I love my MIL. She is opposite of my Mom and good for me in a lot of ways. I also really like MIL's side of the family. They are great people.

FIL and I get along. He is the type that has all the answers and lots of advice. DH is always trying to impress him. He was tough on DH growing up. DH has a hard time standing up to him, but has done it a couple of times since we have been married.

 

[rbuzzotta]

My family loves my DH, yesterday I had quite a few cousins over and they said we should have had many more children because he is so great!! I agree but not with the many more children thingy!!! My oldest DD does not care for my DH though and vice versa (I particularly dont' care for her either but she is my sister).

My FIL and his family like me alot!!! I get along great with all of them and I enjoy their company. My MIL and SIL do not care for me at all!!!!! MY SIL has done/said some nasty things to me, DH and my 3 DD's which makes me cringe when I see her and my MIL has not been a saint!!! But with MIL, I suck it up and deal with it for the sake of DH and my 3 DD's. My oldest DD does not like my SIL at all...........she has been around for many of the fightings and is old enough to know that alot of her (SIL) actions are fake or put on for others to see. She knows they are not sincere feelings!!

DH has backed me on every occassion with any problem with his mom and sister.............and with that, I support him in anything he wants to do with his family.

One thing for sure.............they will never ruin another holiday of ours because they no longer get invites!!!!!!

 

[Rajah]

Thank you, I needed to see this thread.

My ILs are fine with me (or if they don't like me, they sure don't show it), but my mom is rather fed up with my DH. He's been rather rude to my mom a lot lately, and she takes his lack of time to help her as a personal affront. Doesn't matter that I've been waiting on him to help me do things (like get our server set back up so my home email works again) for months as well, the fact that she's had to wait for months for him to help her with a computer thing is a personal attack.

My problem is I listen to my mom too much, so when we get together and she starts ragging on DH, she gets me in a bad mood toward both of them.

Anyway, point is, I needed this reminder that what matters isn't so much what the family thinks as what you think.

 

[Rex Rules]

I can't stand DH family. They are a bunch of fruitcakes who blatently love one son more than the other. We have been discussing this all night. LOL

Holly

Holly - same situation here - DH's brother is the golden child - DH is still in therapy trying to work through it. We have had periods of having nothing to do with them and always end up reconciling, mostly because DD wants to see her grandparents. We have gone to therapy together, too - and honestly want to learn to deal with them better - we realize they are NEVER going to change, so we hoped that we could learn how to deal with them better. So far, it is better, but still not good.
Oh, and they dislike me extremely. DH's brother married well - trust fund baby - no such luck with me. It is both of us that are treated badly, so we console each other.

On the other hand, I think my father actually likes DH more than me! And not only does he like DH, he respects him and treats him well.

 

[dis ms.]

My parents LOVE my DH. In their eyes, he is their son. And he feels the same about my parents. My mom seems more concerned about how DH feels about certain issues than how I feel. My DH and DF golf together and even took care of our kids together when my DM and I went to Disneyland for a week! Since we only live about 10 minutes from my parents, they are a big part of our life, and DH thinks that's great.

I can safely say that my inlaws love me and I feel the same about them. When I met DH, my inlaws did not know too many black people. They live in a small town about four hours away and own a farm. Not a diverse town at all (When we visit them, if I see another black person around town, I know chances are they're just visiting, too ). Still, my inlaws--and DH's entire extended family--welcomed me with open arms. I feel very honored that my MIL confides in me about many things and I know I can do the same with her. My FIL gets a kick out of my quick wit. Now that they have a new DIL, my FIL teases me about keeping up my DIL points so that I can stay their favorite! I now have two little sisters (in-law), which has been fun because I am the youngest in my family.

My inlaws also are very friendly with my parents. Even though my parents and inlaws live four hours away from each other, both sets of parents invite the other to family functions. My parents have been to my husband's family reunion and recently went to my BIL's wedding. My inlaws have come to my family's events as well.

 

[froglady]

DH's mother died before I met him. His stepmother and I get along fine, as we're both "outsiders." DFIL is deceased, also. I once asked DH if he liked me (as he was never an affectionate person, even to his own children.) DH said even if he hated me, I would never know; DFIL was always "polite."

My SILs like me well enough for all of us to spend time together once a year, and they have always been 100% supportive in any family difficulties. I am a bit closer to two of them, and consider them to be friends, also.

My family ADORES DH! I think they like him more than they like me.

 

[wdwpluto]

My IL's don't like me. And I'll tell you why. Before he met me, DH was dating a woman I'll call K. They broke up. Approx 9 months later, he got a photo in the mail with a note "this is your daughter". DH offered to marry K (against his better judgement, but he thought it was the right thing to do). She declined. (A paternity test did prove that the baby was fathered by DH and yes, he pays his child support.)

We met and started dating about a year later. Fast forward a few years and we're happily married.

DH's family has not liked me since day one and DH and I finally figured out that it's because I'm not K. I'm not the mother of his child. Even though he tried to be with K and she declined, his family has been "punishing him" (his words, not mine) ever since. I guess by dating and later marrying him, I killed any hope they held that he would ever get back together with K. They treat K better than they treat my DH.

Between that, and their treatment of me, DH has chosen to cut ties with them.

On the other hand, my Mom treats DH like her son. And he's incredibly grateful that he got her as part of the package deal.

 

[Jynohn]

They start in on him to get a "real job". Yes they do not think that the army is a real job and that he is is some uneducated bum off the street. They rag him to get an education so he can be one of them.

You've described my mother exactly. She can't stand my DH and always makes comments about him being in the military too. She has somehow gotten it in her head that because he is not in finance like my BIL he is not a good provider. She is constantly making little underhanded comments about him, which finally erupted in a huge battle when she told me he was "selfish for leaving his family" when he was deployed to Iraq!

I can't understand why she dislikes him so much. He's a wonderful father, is faithful and kind, and treats me like a queen. Yet somehow she has gotten it in her head that I am unhappy in my marriage (I'm not!) and need to be rescued.

My DH doesn't care for her either because she doesn't go out of her way to be nice to him, but he has always been civil and polite (he does NOT know about the above comment or that would change quickly!) Family holidays and get togethers are awkward, but more so for me because I know that the two of them don't like each other, even though an outsider would never know it. I'm constantly on edge trying to keep the peace, even though it's never really come down to an out and out argument between the two.

I think I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that my mother will NEVER like my DH no matter what he does so I'm beginning to accept the situation for what it is rather then trying to change it. I finally drew the line with my mother and told her that she doesn't have to like DH, but if she wants to maintain a relationship with me she needs to keep her comments to herself. Unless she sees bruises or the kids are being neglected it's none of her business.

Families are tough....