Inspired by pembo: Do you have a relative who thrives on chaos?

[grinningghost]

My MIL is not a drama queen, like pembo's thread talks about. She is even worse. She thrives on chaos. She complains all the time about all the trauma in her life, yet lets it continue, and even encourages it most of the time. It would be really simple for her to kick out her 34 year old daughter and her 28 year old son, who do nothing but leech off her and cause trouble - yet she lets them stay there. We are so tired of her crying to us about it, because she refuses to help herself. We've decided she LIKES all the craziness - though she would never admit it. Anyone you know who is like this?

 

[JLSE50]

Yup!

There was an article I read a couple years ago by a psychologist or a sociologist who maintained that there are basically two kinds of people. Those who thrive on chaos and can muster their resources only in response to it but must maintian it
and
those who can survive chaos but use their resources to prevent or avoid it.

Wish I could remember where I read that.

Obviously some people are further along the line than others.
You are right, if you solved those problems for her, she would create others or invite those back in.

Best advice is often to let it go in one ear and out the other. She does not want a solution, she wants sympathy and attention. Give what you comfortably can of both and then go on to take care of your own sanity.

Jan

 

[Robinrs]

Originally posted by JLSE50
Yup!

There was an article I read a couple years ago by a psychologist or a sociologist who maintained that there are basically two kinds of people. Those who thrive on chaos and can muster their resources only in response to it but must maintian it
and
those who can survive chaos but use their resources to prevent or avoid it.

Awesome quote, Jan!! Thank goodness I'm the second but BOY do I know enough of the first!

 

[grinningghost]

Thanks Jan. It's amazing to me that there are really others out there who enjoy chaos, yet crave sympathy too. It's a strange thing. We generally do "let it go in one ear and out the other". We're tired of offering advice and having it ignored.

 

[Lars624]

grinningghost-You're describing my sister!!

 

[nativetxn]

My mother's mother was not happy unless she had everyone around her miserable. She worked hard at doing that, too.

Her true goal, I think, was for everyone to only love her. She wanted us to hate each other and adore her.

She was the meanest most hateful person I have ever known in my life. It is really unfair when a grandchild can't even be sad when her grandmother dies....it truly isn't fair.

 

[Kitty 34]

I also have a sister that loves Chaos!! I often wonder if that's her real middle name!!!

 

[Micca]

I don't think it's as extreme as "chaos", but I know a person who thrives on stirring the pot and keeping people in upheaval. Is that close enough? Fortunately, I am not related to this individual.

 

[Diane]

I have a sister like this; she’s a teacher. My mother will often tell me all the things ‘poor N’ has to do. Even though I love my sister dearly and she’s a wonderful person, I can’t be too sympathetic; because-as I’ve often said to my mom-‘N creates her own chaos.’ Half of the things she’s busy doing seem silly or unnecessary to me. But, she seems happy, and I guess that’s what should matter. On occasion, I’ve even benefited from her ‘craziness.’

 

[JLSE50]

DIANE: What a wonderful attitude! finding blessings in the behavior of someone you do not understand or agree with!
Each to his own as they say.
As long as they are not hurting us, we should let people live as they feel is best.
It is trying to change them or help them when they really don't want it that wears us out.

Way to go DIANE! Thanks for that glimpse of the silver lining.

Jan

 

[browneyes]

{{hugs}}, Katholyn.

Not a relative, but my best friend is that way. She likes to have a lot of sympathy directed her way, I think that's why she lets chaos rule. But I love her anyway.

 

[December99]

I guess it's not really chaos (although some days it sure feels like it) but that is me actually, not another family member. I don't like the sympathy part - it's just how I work best. I work better under stressful conditions or very busy conditions. I tend to get more done in a smaller and more stressed time period than I do having alot of time to do it - so I guess it's more like I like to be a busy body and yes sometimes it gets very chaotic. The one thing I HATE though is when people are playing off of me for their sympathy - THAT DRIVES ME NUTS!!!!! And I can't stand listening to people that are chaotic complain about it so I don't bother cause it isn't my style and it's not worth it.

 

[JLSE50]

DECEMBER99: You are not the kind of person we were talking about.
The person who lives from crisis to crisis wants to talk about it. Wants sympathy. Always needs money to pay the rent, buy groceries, put gas in the car, etc.
They always have someone in jail, the hospital or their kids are at the doctor every week.
The kids are dirty, the house is a mess and they are overwhelmed so they need help.
But
if you give them money or time or clean their house or babysit or fill the gas tank, it never is enough.
They never remember. They rarely thank you and there is another crisis as big or bigger....
They do not have money for rent or food but they can get a new tatoo or piercing.
They show you the kids' new clothes every time you visit but you rarely see them wear matched items and shoes are never to be found.
That is living from crisis to crisis.

DECEMBER99: You work well under stress. You like deadlines. Many of us work best with a deadline--"if it is not due soon, why worry about it?"
That is not the same. Do not put yourself in the wrong category. You are fine!

Jan

 

[grinningghost]

Jan, are you sure we don't have the same MIL? You just described her to a tee.

 

[JLSE50]

That description is based on friends and clients, not my MIL.
But there is some consolation in knowing that each of us is not the only one whose life intersects with people like this.

Bottom line: do what you can do without losing your sanity and know that nothing you can do will change the situation. That is the way they are wired.

Jan

 

[Disney Doll]

I have both a friend and a SIL who I think fit this description. My friend has always beenone of those people who has had major dramas/traumas in her life, starting as a teenager.

My SIL is just a nut case.

 

[Disney Ella]

My SIL (age 48) is one of those people. When my FIL was alive, she was constantly borrowing money from him because when she sees something she wants, she buys it and worries about how to pay the electric bill later. Once she and her husband took 12 exemptions on their W2s in order to have more money in their paychecks, then couldn't pay their federal taxes. My SIL said, "I guess God just wants us to be poor." As if God had anything to do with it!

This SIL is always having a conflict with someone, and always has some major upheaval in her life. After 17 years being married to DH, I am tired of dealing with her, so I avoid asking her how she is doing. The answer is never good!

 

[JLSE50]

Disney Ella: Sounds like you have found a plan that works for you. Very smart. You can just give so much to these people. They will drain you dry and not even realize or care. And I don't mean only drain you of money.

I was telling a friend about this thread today and she agreed wholeheartedly.
She has a similar situation with a homecare client she has worked for. She is retiring and instead of thanking her for the work she has done for their family member, the lady was bemoaning her fate, what will she do, etc.
I told my friend that if her body and age tell her it is time to retire, then it is time to retire. She said her daughter says the same thing.
We must keep ourselves sane.

Keep smiling and be thankful for the friends and family who are not wearing you out!!

Jan

 

[Tinkbell]

My cousin lives for chaos. This applies mostly to her relationship with her children. They are very needy. When she sees them happy and content, I swear she will deliberately do something to set them off.

 

[JLSE50]

How sad for those kids.

Jan :earsgirls: