Inspired by mrsv98's Thread About Dropping Her DD Off...

[Christine]

I keep reading mrsv98's post about walking her DD to her Kindergarten class and then reading the resultant posts about "helicopter" parents and "overparenting." I started thinking about how I parent my own kids in relation to what other parents are doing.

In some ways, I am way more protective and strict than a lot of my DD's friends' parents are--I don't let her hang at the mall, I just now (at age 14) allowed her to go to the movies without me being there when other parents were allowing it at age 12. I don't let her roam our neighborhood alone, she doesn't have a cell phone yet, etc.

But in other ways I am very "hands off". I've always worked full-time outside the home and have never had a lot of vacation days. I've never taken the day off for the "first day of school" to take my kids, but lots of DD's friend's parents did (and still do even in high school). When both my kids were in daycare, I took them in class and quickly dropped them off to avoid any disruptions and "hanging on and crying." I remember, everyday, there was another woman who arrive the same time I did. She would spend 30 minutes sitting on the floor with her kids and wouldn't leave. They were crying every morning. I don't know how she ever made it to work. I never tried to be at every school function, ice skating party, field trip, etc. I do not orchestrate social gatherings so my kids will have something to do or someone to hang with all weekend. I've always felt that parents should stay out of these things and let the kids learn their own cues and make their own way.

BUT....sometimes, I get the feeling that my DD *thinks* that maybe I don't care as much as the other parents because I don't jump through these hoops. My mother was kind of the same kind of mom I am and I never felt bad about it, but LOTS of moms were pretty "hands off" in the 70s. Now, most moms are "so there" that I wonder if my DD doesn't feel funny about it?

Now, honestly, I don't dwell on this and I'm 95% happy with my parenting choices, but I am pondering this and wonder if any other "hands off" parents feel this way?

Also, mrsv98, please don't think I'm singling you out. I have a child with VERY high anxiety and I know what you're going through. It's just that the rest of your thread (what the other posters said) got me wondering if anyone else felt (or cared) that their "backing off" made their kids feel funny in this day and age of Helicopter Parents!!

 

[nuke]

I think you and I have a lot in common with our parenting.

My MIL runs in-home daycare and I made a lot of interesting observations before I had my son.
For instance:
The kid that would never take his pacifier out of his mouth would immediately put it on top of the TV as soon as his mother walked out door. He would put it back in his mouth about 3 minutes before it was time for him to be picked up.
The one that wouldn't drink out of anything but a bottle at home used a cup just fine at daycare.
The screamers would stop screaming as soon as mom was out of earshot. The more mom cuddled or coddled the screamer the more he screamed but again only until mom was out of range.

The mom's that said "okay sweetheart have a great day" and left had no problems at all.

 

[mickeyboat]

This is a topic I have thought a lot about and struggled with, and my kids are only 5 and 6.

My parents were hands-off. I don't remember them coming to school to talk to the teachers. They never reminded me to do my homework; they never even checked it unless I asked them to (ie proof read a report when I was in h.s.). I chose my own classes, my own extra-curricular activities, my own first job. When I went to college, I was responsible for making sure applications were complete and on time, deposits were made, etc. I don't remember them "hovering" at all.

When I look back, I think they should have advocated a little better for me, but they had their hands full with my brothers, who required a lot more parenting. We moved around a lot, which caused a lot of headaches when trying to get into the upper level classes in the new school. I think my hatred of math stemmed from being put into an upper level math class, after a year of being in a mid-level class. I didn't have the background I needed, and really struggled.

So I learned to advocate for myself. And I think it made me a better, stronger, more independent person. I didn't always make the right decision, but I learned from my mistakes.

I want my kids to be independent and confident, and able to make good decisions for themselves. But it is so hard to stand back and let them do things on their own. They need to make mistakes to learn, just like I did.

That is all fine and good on an intellectual level, but hard to put into practice. Yesterday was Hannah's first K gym class. The class newsletter requested the kids wear sneakers and no dresses. Hannah hates sneakers and really gave me a hard time about wearing them. I could have let her wear her other shoes to school and suffer the consequences (whatever they might be), but instead I forced her to wear the sneakers. Now, I feel it's my responsibility to do this when she is 6, but at what age does that responsibility end?

It's a difficult balance. There are no hard and fast rules. I hope I do a good job.

Denae

 

[NMAmy]

It's hard to find the right balance. When dd was young, I'd drop her at daycare and she'd nonchalantly wave and run off to play with her friends. I was glad that she was happy and content there but still had that little qualm that she didn't really miss me when we were apart. But I knew it was best for HER to encourage her to be a bit independent.

At 14 yo, she now thinks I'm overprotective. I have a tendency to think the parents of her friends are quite underprotective. Yes, I let her go to the movies on her own, I let her go around our small town with a cell phone--no, she can't go to the county fair an hour away being dropped off and picked up by different parents (that's what brought on the overprotective comment. ) I trust her to make good decisions and she hasn't let me down yet.

I'm pleased to see that she's independent and can take care of things on her own with teachers and school with advice only from me. We talk about how she should handle a given situation, then I back away. If it comes to a safety issue, then I'm right there and happy to intervene if necessary. Frankly, I know that if given the chance, I would hover--but I take my cues from dd. With a less independent kid, she could have ended up a real Mama's girl.

My mother was rather uninvolved with us growing up and I wanted to be a different kind of mom. I know I am and I think that with my dd, I'm just the mom I need to be. It can be tricky trying to balance encouraging independence and instilling rules, values, and boundaries at the same time.

 

[Kermit]

I think everyone has to find their own balance. It's easy to peg people when you see them doing a certain thing and assume that they do other things, too. For example, just because a parent walks their child to class doesn't mean that they necessarily coddle them all the time. DH and I like our children to be in our care at all times, and that makes some people assume that we're always around them and interacting with them. That simply isn't true. We give them a lot of space, and I'm proud of the way they can entertain themselves and sooth themselves if they get a little bump. I know other people who think it's important to get their children used to babysitters from a young age, but when they are with their kids, they're always entertaining them and in charge of what the child is doing with his time.

We all need balance, but what the perfect balance is depends on the child and the family. Except for extreme cases, it's hard for an outsider to determine if a parent is too hands-off or hands-on.

 

[kasar]

I think about this a lot as well. I'm a SAHM by choice and I try to help my kids as much as possible but I in no way am a hoverer. Just not in my nature, I guess. As much as I help out in the school, I hardly ever actually go into my DDs' classrooms - I think that's the teacher's space and I respect that. I prefer to do more behind the scenes things like fundraising and the newsletter, things like that. Most of the time, they never even knew I was at the school. I popped them onto the school bus for kindergarten and never even knew that some parents didn't do that - it honestly never occurred to me to walk them into kindergarten. I suppose that if I had kids with separation issues it would have been different but I trusted the safety of the bus, I believed the people that told me that the bus driver was not a child molester and I assumed that someone would show them to their classroom when they got there. I can get a little crazy about safety stuff (I've since stopped watching TV news if I can help it, it helps) but I knew I had to take a deep breath and let them go, as hard as that was. It was fine - it's why we live where we do and why we are involved in our community.

Now on the other hand, I'm becoming a lot less restrictive with all the "rules" that I had. My 12 year old has been to the movies with friends (daytime shows, local cinema), she wears a little make-up (honestly, it's not something that even bothers me - I know that's not the most popular stance but it works for us) and she has a cell phone (again, not a biggie to us). These come with the understanding that she has to respect us (she does) and she has to keep on the honor roll at school (again,she does) and she has to help out around the house (eh... she tries). She asked us to give her more freedom when she started Middle School last year and we did (gulp!) because she has shown us that's she's a great kid and she has our trust until she does something to lose it. So far, so good. Again, I was one of the strictest moms around, it's been a real change, for the better in my opinion.

So to get back to original post, I'm sure some people think I'm too involved and some people think I'm nuts to let her do the things I do (I also have a 10 year old and she's still stuck under my thumb - the jury's still out on if she'll be mature enough for these things when she gets into Middle School next year), I really don't care. And I try like heck not to judge other people's parenting. We're all good parents just doing the best we can. That's going to have to be good enough.

 

[Texan Mouseketeer]

I, too, am finding a hard time with balancing not interfering and interfering too much now that my son has started Kindergarten.

I wanted to add my two cents from the teacher end. We (the teachers that I know and myself) do not call involved parents helicopter parents. It is the ones who are ridiculous with their demands and never recognize that their kids need to take some responsibility for their actions.
Here are some examples of some things true helicopter parents have done and I doubt that any of you would fit this!
1.) A student started wrestling with another student on the way to line up at the door for PE. I gave them a conduct mark. One mother called and chewed me out (with the f word!) and said that since it is not a specific rule that states that you have to walk straight to the door when lining up that it was okay for him to walk in the other direction to go wrestle with the kid.
2.) A student had messy handwriting. I told the parent that he could type his papers, have more time to get his work done, etc. I did say that she could not write his work for him, he must practice or it would never get better. I also would call him up to tell me answers I could not read. She wanted a hard and fast rule that if I couldn't read it and he couldn't tell me what it was, it is right. She even took this over my head. It didn't stand.
3.) A student copied a web page instead of a report that had to be written. It even had the web address at the bottom. I gave her a 0 with a chance to redo it. Mom threw a fit and went to the principal stating that I never outlined in my class rules that plaguerism (sp?) is not okay. I stated it out loud in class, but not in writing. That didn't stand either.
4.) Very common one with different variations - a kid disrespects a teacher, yells at a teacher, etc. Parent says it didn't really happen, teacher misunderstood, we speak that way to each other at home, 'I am the parent and I will discipline my child', the teacher is lying because she is out to get my kid, etc...

These are just examples. I love parents who are involved and ask questions and want to know what is going on. I also don't mind when they question me or a decision I made. It is when things get unreasonable that it seems like they are helicopter parenting. Okay, I am done now.

 

[meandtheguys2]

You know, one day on the DIS I was chastised for both allowing my son's to use the RR alone (at Disney) and told I was too protective because I homeschooled them.

I try to give my boys the skills they need to be independant people. They earn the respect and freedoms as they show they are able to deal with them. I don't keep them on a specific timeline (5 years old- go into a classroom on their own, 9 years old- go to Canada with their Grandparents.) I see them as individuals that are on different developmental tracks.

I believe that 5 year olds should act like 5 year olds. The same goes for 10 year olds, and eventually 18 year olds.

 

[Rex Rules]

Texan - I just read your post and CANNOT believe what I was reading! Jeez, talk about presumptious and downright WRONG! I am a bit of a hoverer, but I would never have said or done any of those things.
I explained plaguarism to DD as stealing - it is stealing someone else's words, not just copying. She didn't bat an eye and went on with her homework.

 

[Aidensmom]

I am one of the ones on the other thread that sympathized with walking the child to the door, as my son has similar issues.

That being said, however, I am actually more of a hands off parent and my child is very independent. For example it really irritates me when my MIL watches him and does everything for him, when I make him do everything (within his capabilities) for himself.

I think parenting style should be unique to each child, not unique to each parent. If I had 3 children with 3 different personalities, my parenting style would be different with all three, depending on what worked best for them. I don't think parents can be categorized as "helicopter" parents or "non-helicopter" parents. Some aspects of a child's life may need more involvement than other aspects. If a child, for example, does not have good common sense at the age of 10, it is probably not a good idea to leave them in a situation where they are responsible for themselves, say going to the park by themselves or something. I don't think that waiting until they develop that common sense to allow them that privilege is being over-protective or hovering, but rather just recognizing the childs strengths and weaknesses and making decisions accordingly.

In my child's case, though he is quite independent, he hasn't reached the point yet where he can adequately handle separation and transition on his own, that is his weakness. I work with him to develop in that area, but I recognize that it is a very difficult thing emotionally for him. He does not just get over it the moment I leave, but rather his feelings from this will carry over into his behavior for days, where he is very emotional and defiant, and extra clingy. I don't think (though others may disagree) my assisting him through this stage and allowing him to learn gradually is any type of hovering or over-protectiveness.

 

[luvflorida]

I wanted to add my two cents from the teacher end. We (the teachers that I know and myself) do not call involved parents helicopter parents. It is the ones who are ridiculous with their demands and never recognize that their kids need to take some responsibility for their actions.

I love parents who are involved and ask questions and want to know what is going on. I also don't mind when they question me or a decision I made. It is when things get unreasonable that it seems like they are helicopter parenting. Okay, I am done now.

Another teacher, (former), here- Well said! I always found that the parents who worried about interfering and worried about questioning something the teacher said or did, were the parents who tried NOT to intervene or interfere. They usually had legitmate concerns and I never minded hearing from them. The bullying "my kid never does anything wrong" type of parent is a teacher's nightmare. Believe me, teachers can easily distinguish between the two.

 

[va32h]

My parents were hands-off. I don't remember them coming to school to talk to the teachers. They never reminded me to do my homework; they never even checked it unless I asked them to (ie proof read a report when I was in h.s.). I chose my own classes, my own extra-curricular activities, my own first job. When I went to college, I was responsible for making sure applications were complete and on time, deposits were made, etc. I don't remember them "hovering" at all.

This was my mother too. It wasn't that she didn't care, but she considered school "my job" not "her job".

I am stricter than most parents I know, in terms of not letting them play unsupervised and knowing who their friends are, and not letting them go places alone.

But compared to my brother I am downright negligent. His kids are 10 and 7, and cannot play in their own fenced backyard without an adult also being in the backyard. I think that's excessive, and I am surprised at how differently we have parented our children, given that we grew up in the exact same household!

I have found that I do "hover" in some ways - my 9yo dd does not have nearly as many chores as I had when I was her age. Not that I was worked to the bone as a child, but I had to make my bed and fold my laundry and help with dinner and dishes, and I tend to do all that for her. I am working her on that - and things like showing her how to use the microwave, and take a phone message properly.

My son - I have pampered him waaaaay too much. I thought he would be my last, so I treated him like "my baby" and it's been a heck of a time convincing him that he is not! So we are having lots of struggles now, with getting him to tie his shoes and pour his own milk and take care of himself.

 

[chrissyk]

I think that true "helecopter parents" are not the involved type of parents that you describe. They're the folks who have NO lives outside of their children, and who follow their kids to college and beyond. They book hotel rooms near the college for the first few weeks of school to "help" their kids to transition (yeah, because it's the KIDS who have the problem...NOT!!). They call professors to complain about their kid's grade They generally butt in where they shouldn't so that their kids don't cut the cord and become adults.

My parents were overbearing with me. They really didn't understand "letting go" in a lot of ways. However, I am a very independant person, and I never let them control me once I was out of college. My sister, on the other hand, is pushing 30 and is still very much being "helecopter parented" by these same parents!! I look at my parents and use them to figure out what NOT to do when I become a parent I think that there is a fine line between being interested/involved in your child's life and living that life for them. Helecopter parents are the latter, and their kids are the ones who suffer.

 

[Christine]

Well, I didn't really want to debate who was and who wasn't a helicopter parent! Nor did I want to make the OP of the other thread feel bad about walking her child--I "DO" believe that each child should be parented differently.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I am the type of parent who did not/will not take their kids to school on the first day. My co-worker and his wife take off every year to take both their kids to school on the first day. I understand it once, and I understand a change in routines might warrant it, but EVERY YEAR??

But, I'm finding that *I* am in the minority on this. Apparently there are legions of parents up at the school on the first day. The school even discourages it because it is so disruptive and they stress the importance of having the children get into their "own" routine early. But, even then, probably 90% of the parents are up at the school.

I just wonder if my kids feel like *they* are neglected? Now that my DD is 14, the last thing she'd want is for me to be up there, but I sometimes remember hearing little remarks when she was in elementary school: "Everyone's mom came to watch the Halloween parade at school." "Everyone's mom drove them to school the first day and I was the only one on the bus."

Now I know some of this is exaggerated, but probably most of them were there. I like what va32h said: school is their job, not mine. Bottom line though is that sometimes I let the overinvolved parents make me feel guilty.

 

[chrissyk]

Bottom line though is that sometimes I let the overinvolved parents make me feel guilty.

Why? You sound like you are raising independant/self-sufficient kids. That's what matters in the long run. The goal of the true helecopter parent seems to be at odds with that ideal, LOL! I don't even recall my own "helecopter" parents taking off the first day of school and/or coming to the Halloween parade. It seems odd that 90% of the parents do that nowadays. How can they all take the time off from work I think that it's great to be the field-trip parent or go to a school play here and there, but I don't think that a parent should feel guilty if they aren't there for every single one of the child's school activities. Society in general sure is good at making mothers feel guilty about just about everything these days, though People seem to be trying to "outparent" each other, LOL!

 

[Cyndirella]

Christine, your parenting style sounds like mine. I am not at the school every day, but I make it to the things that matter - PTO programs, holiday lunches, and occasionally a classroom party. For DD12, it was never an issue and I didn't get the feeling that she thought I loved her any less. Now that she's in middle school, I think she prefers that I'm NOT around!

DD8 is a different story. It all started with a friend of hers that has a helicopter mom. The mom was so distraught when the child started kindergarten that she decided to volunteer in the classroom every day. So naturally my daughter decides that I need to be there every day too and she got very upset when I told her I couldn't be (nor did I want to be).
She has kind of moved on from this friend, but there are lots of parents that eat lunch with their kids a couple of times a week. DD asks and I do go occasionally but definitely not every week. I get the feeling that she thinks I don't love her as much as these other kids' parents do. I volunteered to be the class mom last year and she loved it, but I didn't care for it at all. It's just not my thing. She begged me to do it again this year but I wouldn't do it. I tried to explain to her that it has nothing to do with her, but I don't think she gets it.

So yes - I know what you mean! It is tough.

 

[Christine]

Christine, your parenting style sounds like mine. I am not at the school every day, but I make it to the things that matter - PTO programs, holiday lunches, and occasionally a classroom party. For DD12, it was never an issue and I didn't get the feeling that she thought I loved her any less. Now that she's in middle school, I think she prefers that I'm NOT around!

DD8 is a different story. It all started with a friend of hers that has a helicopter mom. The mom was so distraught when the child started kindergarten that she decided to volunteer in the classroom every day. So naturally my daughter decides that I need to be there every day too and she got very upset when I told her I couldn't be (nor did I want to be).
She has kind of moved on from this friend, but there are lots of parents that eat lunch with their kids a couple of times a week. DD asks and I do go occasionally but definitely not every week. I get the feeling that she thinks I don't love her as much as these other kids' parents do. I volunteered to be the class mom last year and she loved it, but I didn't care for it at all. It's just not my thing. She begged me to do it again this year but I wouldn't do it. I tried to explain to her that it has nothing to do with her, but I don't think she gets it.

So yes - I know what you mean! It is tough.

Yep, you hit the nail on the head. I get the feeling that the kids start trying to measure us up against the parents who want to be there for everything.

As I said, I'm not overwrought about his. And my DD (14) who is in high school, would die if I showed up now. But there were times...

 

[disneyeveryyear]

I am also not of the "over-involved" mother sorority .

We did drive our kids to school on the first day this year however. DS11 was beginning his first year of middle school (changing classrooms every hour) and was moving to the 6-12 grade bus. He is a worrier by nature and was overwhelmed by the prospect of everything being new.

Therefore, I figured he could freak out about finding his classes (even though we had been at the school twice to walk his schedule) the first day and freak out about the bus the 2nd day. . DH drove him to middle school, and dropped him off out front. He didn't walk him in or take pictures or anything, just dropped him off. Well, when DD6 figured out her brother was getting a ride, she wanted one too. Thus, I drove her the first day and walked her to class (also has some serious separation issues).

Since then, it's been the bus all the way. Especially with the price of gas now and my kids at 2 different schools, let my taxes drive my kids to school!

However, like many of you, I feel that our kids need to learn responsibility and this is one of those times. The independence we teach them today will serve them well in all of their days.

 

[swanmom]

I have a funny story to contribute to this topic .... and to the fact that these parents don't change....no matter how old the kid. When I worked at a major East Coast university, housing was at a premium and there was lots of 'competition' for more preferred dorms and rooms. One female student was assigned to an average dorm, commonly used for freshman. Her Dad called me to request a reassignment to another more desirable space.....but his reason was.........that his daughter was "too beautiful to stay in that dorm." He swore that "she'd be harrassed all day and needed a dorm where she could have a room of her own with no roommates who would bring in 'gawkers.'
One Dad, whose son was assigned to a men's floor with a shared bathroom, requested reassignment because his son was too 'well-endowed' and did not want to engender 'jealousy' among his floormates.

 

[Sandy V.]

DD8 is a different story. It all started with a friend of hers that has a helicopter mom. The mom was so distraught when the child started kindergarten that she decided to volunteer in the classroom every day. So naturally my daughter decides that I need to be there every day too and she got very upset when I told her I couldn't be (nor did I want to be).

Your story reminds me of one of the moms in elementary school when my kids were younger. She also volunteered every day in her sons' classrooms, as well as accompany their classes on any field trips (I went in on Friday mornings back then).

This mom was so overprotective that I would watch her get REALLY nervous and visibly agitated if anyone except the teacher would approach her sons for any reason, no matter how legitimate. Even the other kids!!

Eventually, she did pull her kids out and homeschool them - guess she couldn't take the stress of having to deal with the rest of us!

I try and strike the balance between letting my kids be responsible for making many of their own decisions and being accountable, while giving them a soft place to fall when they "need Mom". Since mine are now 17 and 15, I appreciate the "Mom, I need you" moments still because they seem to be fleeting! Like my tag says, Parenting is NOT for sissies.