Inspired by inhertance question thread

[Stitchfans]

This has been bugging us for a while now. As some of you may already know DH's mom died this past New Years Eve. DH has some siblings who live out of state. One sister lives in California, one other sister in Maine, and his brother lives in Wisconsin. We live in Illinois.


Well, the two sisters asked to be reimbursed for their flights tickets to get here for the wake/funeral through the estate. The one sister in California sent an email to everyone stating that she wanted their flight tickets (her, her DH, two DDs) deducted from the inheritance that she would of received. She said she more or less considered it a loan, and that she felt she shouldn't be paid to go to her own mother's funeral. As she said no onetold her she had to move to California, that was her choice.

The other sister didn't take the hint from that email. As a matter of fact she bugged the two sisters here in Illinois to get her the money pronto. She had plane tickets for (her, her DH, two DDs, two DSs one spouse, one great grandchild) plus they rented a car for the visit and demanded the money for that also.

They stayed at one of the SIL's home and sponged off her not giving her a dime for food or anything, but that is a different story and technically none of our business. She mailed home 6 bins of items from MIL's possesions. At estate expense. Does this sound right/fair? Or are we all being selfish and petty?

The siblings here in Illinois don't want to make waves and said just drop it, lets forget about even though it is totally unfair. I suppose that is what we have to do to keep peace, but it is really bugging us. I guess I just needed to vent. But has any one else ever experienced anything like this?

Sorry this was so long.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My uncle had my grandpa pay for a vacation home "out of his inheritance".

FYI, he cut out my grandparents while his mother was alive, around 20+yrs.

She died, he came clamouring for money.

Uncle signed a promissary note for it to be paid back. Grandpa died and my dad got screwed out of 100,000+ dollars.

 

[TriMom]

Ohh the stories I could tell.

My advice it to just pay her, and be completely done with it. Let it go and move on with your life.

We are in a 3rd generational family feud over inherited property. When I inherited the property from my father - I sold it back to a family member. I had to get out of the drama.

I promise no amount of money is worth being in the middle of family drama.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

I work as a paralegal in Estate Planning and it's a common saying around here that if people knew what their money would do to their friends and families after they died a lot of them would've thrown it away. I've seen many families (some were the ones who came in saying their family would never be broken up by money) that fall apart from fighting over money. And the family members that come in completely positive that their mom or dad would never have wanted whatever's happening to their money to be happening, that they know exactly how their mom or dad would have wanted their money to go. All over money. It's very sad sometimes.

I agree with you, it would be irritating to me too that someone was trying to get more than "their share". But it is petty. It wasn't any of anyone's involved money to begin with. But I do understand where you're coming from

 

[Stitchfans]

From the looks of it I guess this isn't uncommon. Yes, DH and I already decided to follow after his sisters and just let it go. He just said though that he totally lost all respect for that one sister. As he said they were not brought up that way so he doesn't understand why she is acting like this.

Funny thing is she isn't hurting for money either. The sister they sponged off of is the one who is in deep trouble with finances.

 

[JCJRSmith]

I find it astounding that people would want their mother's estate to pay their costs associated with attending the funeral. Attendance at a funeral is not compulsory - no one held a gun to their colletive head and demanded they be there. They made a CHOICE to attend. There are costs associated with that choice. Since the made the choice, they can pay for it out of their own pocket.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

My mom died suddenly 3 years ago. My sister had power of attorney, etc. as she was the only stable relative living near our mom. My parents had always made it crystal clear that they wanted everything split evenly (4 ways) among their children, so we knew this upfront.

Sis took it upon herself to give each sibling $2000 cash at the funeral. Although I didn't "need" it, she wanted to be fair. One brother was flying in from Germany and needed it, the other brother is a homeless druggie. At least he used some of the money to get a suit and a hair cut, and look presentable.

As far as the extra "stuff"--most families have someone like this. My sister was careful to get items of value (sentimental or otherwise) out of reach of the greedy sibling. You can't always do this, though.

I would say, in your own mind, let it go. No, it's not fair. I'm suggesting you let it go, not for the greedy sibling, but for yourself. You don't need the stress of the hard feelings. I don't expect you to forget, but please don't let your heart become hardened by the bad actions of another.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Perhaps the answer is to figure her expenses and cut every sibling a check in that amount...

 

[Stitchfans]

My parents had always made it crystal clear that they wanted everything split evenly (4 ways) among their children, so we knew this upfront.
.
/QUOTE]

Very sorry to hear of your loss. I also lost my mom. I understand the pain.

DH said that in one of the conversations he had with one of his sisters she said the exact same thing. His parents always made it crystal clear that they wanted everything split evenly (6 ways) among their children.

DH said that while growing up his parents were always very careful about not giving one child more than another. My parents were the same. Between me and my two brothers no one was favored, no one got more.

I think what bothers everyone the most is to that nearly his sister's entire family came and expected to be paid to do so. DH said that right after the funeral that sister's family swooped in to his mom's room and was grabbing items left and right claiming what they wanted.

One of his sisters couldn't handle it and she left the room to go off and cry by herself. It is so disgusting and sad to see what a death in a family can do to people.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

It is so disgusting and sad to see what a death in a family can do to people.

I couldn't agree more. I lost my Mom on February 2nd. The drama surrounding her death was horrible. She would be horrified to see how her children acted.

 

[m&m's mom]

I gotta say there is no way I would be paying that bill.
I would subtract it from her total or I would not pay.

 

[brockash]

I don't know what the "right/fair" thing would be, but personally, my gosh what's wrong with the sister in CA???? She wants to be reimbursed for being able to attend her own mothers funeral? That sounds nuts to me. It's very sad, but at the same time no one FORCED her to go. I would assume she would want to, but good lord, I don't think she's entitled for reimbursement Is she really bad-off money wise???? This is the only way I could think to justify it, if she really is poor-off and doesn't have any money, I guess maybe I can see it, but otherwise she just seems like a self-centered witch. Good luck to you and I'm sorry she's in your family.

 

[ols386]

We are in the middle of finalizing my Dad's will, but luckily we have had no problems. He had an attorney who is taking care of it, and it has been submitted to court for settlement. I pretty much already knew what was in it, because he told me about it, when he had it drawn up, right before he married my now step-mother. There are a couple of items in his will that could have potentially caused some hard feelings, but fortunately, has not. It can be a very sensitive thing.

 

[DSNY4ever]

OMG! Okay I had no idea anyone would ever even think of asking to be reimbursed for funeral travel expenses...unless they were a pastor/priest/rabbi who you flew in from out of town or something. But family?!?! I am so sorry you are going through this. Good luck and make sure you tell your kids that they are coming to your funeral on their own dime no matter where they or you move to

 

[Stitchfans]

I gotta say there is no way I would be paying that bill.
I would subtract it from her total or I would not pay.

It isn't up to DH since his mother made the two sisters here in Illinois the executors of the estate. Both of them are afraid of starting a family war. Which yes, I can understand that.

Oh for the record it is the sister in Maine, not California that is asking for more then her share. California one asked to have the plane tickets deducted from her share.

That is another thing that just popped in to my head that money will be added in and the selfish one will get her share of that too.

As said, I guess just to keep peace shutting up and moving on is the best thing to do. Oh and in answer to one of the questions. There is only one sibling who is in dire need of the money. The rest of us are doing alright. Not saying we are all rolling in the dough, but we are all ok.

 

[HelenePA]

My dad's gf asked for my dad's pension money (which was only payable to my mom who is also gone), along with his ashes, and reimbursement for 2 car payments she made while SHE was using the van... wanna guess how much of that she got?

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...As said, I guess just to keep peace shutting up and moving on is the best thing to do. Oh and in answer to one of the questions. There is only one sibling who is in dire need of the money. The rest of us are doing alright. Not saying we are all rolling in the dough, but we are all ok.

Maybe they are in worse shape than they have ever let on. Sometimes pride can keep family from sharing that sort of problem...

I just hope that you work it out.

 

[clutter]

But make sure you update your will to state that you will not reimburse travel expenses to your funeral. If you expect me to pay for it, don't come!!!

 

[SpecialK]

When my dad died, the attorney didn't want any distributions made until all outstanding bills were settled, all insurance money was paid in to the estate, etc. IMO, either everyone should get an amount equal to that the sister in Maine is requesting, or her share of the distribution should be reduced by the same amount.

My oldest sister was a pill about my dad's estate, too. Gotta love family!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

But make sure you update your will to state that you will not reimburse travel expenses to your funeral. If you expect me to pay for it, don't come!!!

No kidding!