Inspired by Dawn....friend or parent?

[wvjules]

On Dawn's thread there are a few comments about not being a friend to your kids, your job is to be their parent. IMO, that just seems so wrong. I want to be both to my DD. If she considers me her friend as well as her mom I think she'll talk to me about more things, not be afraid to share her problems, etc. Why does a parent have to be one or the other? What's wrong with being a parent and a friend to your children????

 

[poohbears5]

I don't worry about being my kids friend . I worry about raising educated,well rounded respectable citizens. Kids will be kids and Parents need to be Parents.

 

[JVL1018]

When my kids are mad at me, they say You are not my friend!
And I say, "I'm not here to be your friend", I am your mother."
A friend cannot be an authority over another friend-that is the biggest thing to me.
*I* am in charge, *I* am the authority in this house(well DH too LOL), my children are not on an equal footing with me or my husband, if they were my friends they would have to be.

I was very very close to my Mom, but I never called her my best friend. She was "Mom" and that was more than a friend could ever be.

 

[DawnCt1]

Kids rarely have a shortage of friends but if they are lucky, they will have two parents. Parents are there for you no matter what you do, say or think. They are there to provide direction, guidance and discipline. They are there to support you when you are right, and reign you in when you are wrong. Too often parents are so worried about not being a friend that they forget their primary role as parents. We have a wonderful time with our sons. They are in their 20s (except for DS 18) and still love to go on vacation with us, but not as "friends" but as family members ( our kids). "Friends" tend to worry that they will lose a friendship if they say or do the wrong thing or set limits on behavior; real parents do what is right no matter if it jeopardizes a friendship. Our DSs do talk to us about what is important to them, their concerns, etc but if parents are so focused on trying to be both, particularly during the growing years, they risk losing sight of their primary role, which is to be a parent first.

 

[Mermaid02]

Definately their parent. Especially in the teen years- they have plenty of friends.... they need parents.

 

[DawnCt1]

I don't worry about being my kids friend . I worry about raising educated,well rounded respectable citizens. Kids will be kids and Parents need to be Parents.

Short, concise, to the point and accurate.

 

[wvjules]

My point is...why can't you be both? My DD knows the rules, know I'm the authority in the house, knows that I'm her parent and if she breaks the rules there will be consequences, etc, but that doesn't mean I can't be a friend to her as well.

 

[agotta]

I think it depends on the age, what you should act more like, friend or parent. My mom is one of my best friends and has been for years. When I was a teenager, maybe not so much. But not because she chose to be one or the other.

I hope I am both to my children. I think it is important that they can see me as both.

 

[DawnCt1]

My point is...why can't you be both? My DD knows the rules, know I'm the authority in the house, knows that I'm her parent, etc, but that doesn't mean I can't be a friend to her as well.

Because there should be an imbalance of power.

 

[MELSMICE]

My take is that some people think you can't be a true parent if you consider yourself a friend to your kids also.

I don't consider myself an actual "friend" to my kids, however, I respect my DD's very much. I respect their individuality, I respect the fact that they are growing up & I really do respect their opinions. That doesn't mean I'm their friend, however. Their friend's are the ones they want to hang out with on a Friday or Saturday night, but I am the one that they will come to to discuss the things that they can't talk about with their friends when they come home.

For instance - last night I was up until 3 a.m. talking with DD about her boyfriend. She did not come to me as a friend, she came to me as a child talking to a parent. She needed my help & my opinions. I didn't judge her & what she was telling me. I talked to her on her level & how to handle a situation.

I'm not sure one of her "friends" would be mature enough to do that.

 

[N.Bailey]

My role will turn to friend once they're older and out on their own. For now, I'm here to be their parent.

 

[transparant]

I don't worry about being my kids friend . I worry about raising educated,well rounded respectable citizens. Kids will be kids and Parents need to be Parents.

Ditto.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My point is...why can't you be both? My DD knows the rules, know I'm the authority in the house, knows that I'm her parent and if she breaks the rules there will be consequences, etc, but that doesn't mean I can't be a friend to her as well.

It is hard enough for kids to grow up these days. To place additional burdens on children to become their "friend", puts the kid in extra situations that are uncomfortable with the parent.

EX...
When you have a "friend" there is give/take for the friendship. When one of those gets out of balance the friendship is now jeopardized.
As a parent you are "in power" so "you win" always (the kid caves). The friendship is out of balance. Now you get resentment, etc...later on it comes back to get you.

Healthier to be the parent. Now the kid can rebel against you and "grow up" without fear of losing "your friendship" & vice versa.

That is my take on it, it is because of my parents I have this attitude.


DH & I both have parents that we have to "parent". I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

 

[wvjules]

I don't worry about being my kids friend . I worry about raising educated,well rounded respectable citizens.

And that can only be done if you a parent and a parent only?

 

[wvjules]

I think we're all kind of agreeing on this but I think the definition of "friend" to your children is what's confusing. lol

 

[dmslush]

I'm not dd's friend, at all. I am her mother. If I raise her to be a self respecting, educated, responsible adult, then she will come back to me later in life and then we can be friends.

Kids DO NOT want mom and dad to be their friends. They have plenty of friends in school. They want a parent that will set limits. They want a scape goat for the times when they need to get out of a sticky situation. DD knows if I suspect drug use, she will be tested immediately. What better defense against peer pressure? "Nope, can't smoke, drink, whatever, Mom drug tests me." By being a responsible parent, a parent who sets clear limits, I give her an out. I take away the pressure of her having to make adult decisions at a young age.

 

[ReneeA]

Ha! I've been in counseling for the last few months discussing this VERY thing with a therapist.

My parents were very young, and while they were very good parents in some ways, they weren't mature enough at 16 and 18 to be the best. My mom wanted me to be her best friend...and she was for 30 years. However, I felt as though I never had a best friend growing up as that role belonged to my mother. I was my mom's best friend, also...but she did the disciplining, too. Therefore, like Dawn said, there is an imbalance of power. You are allowed to be close...but only THIS close. Your psyche never allows anyone fully in due to the years of being "put in your place" by your friend.

Your job is to be a great parent. It is to nurture your kids so that they always feel they can come to you with anything, yet you can't be their "friend". You need to provide them with the tools to go out into the world and make their own friends, where they can have a equal relationship. As a parent, you should NEVER have an equal relationship with your kids.

Trust me, it causes MAJOR trauma when they are older. My therapist tells me that all the kids out there who were treated as "friends" all require a major amount of therapy when they are older.

ReneeA

 

[FreshTressa]

My point is...why can't you be both? My DD knows the rules, know I'm the authority in the house, knows that I'm her parent and if she breaks the rules there will be consequences, etc, but that doesn't mean I can't be a friend to her as well.

My mom and I were and still are best friends. We shopped together, did girly things together, told each other secrets.

I alway obeyed. I loved her so much, I never wanted to do anything to disappoint her.

I have the same relationship with my daughter.

My son and I too are friends. We go on "dates" together and go fly kites.

I still "parent" them, and they have to follow rules, but our family is closer than any outside friend could be.

I want them to trust me and to be open with me with their feelings. I try not to be too judgemental and to be understanding when they have issues...to be more of an ally than a general.

I'm sure both methods work though. I think it depends on the parent and child. I find it harder to be friend to my son as he needs more parenting to make good decisions. He needs more parent imposed consequences to his behaviors. My daughter is more of a pleaser and usually chooses to have good behavior.

I do think the more the kids love and trust you, the more likely they are to obey, just because they don't want to disappoint you or to lose your respect.

 

[Art Vandalay]

The roles of friend and parent are often in conflict. I think the trouble arises when parent doesn't take top priority.

 

[FreshTressa]

The roles of friend and parent are often in conflict. I think the trouble arises when parent doesn't take top priority.

Yah...I like thinking about it like that...parent first, friend second.