Inheritance dilemma

[Royalbear]

My dh's father died at a relatively young age (64), leaving DMIL with property valued at 500K, some insurance policies, small savings, and disability payments from social security. She works, but has no retirement plans except for social security. The property has been for sale for almost six months with no serious offers, but dmil has already purchased a home for 250K by taking out an equity loan and paying cash. When my dh questioned his mom about her finances, she basically told him to mind his own business.

Now dh's grandmother (father's mother) passed away with a sizable (greater than 2 million) estate which originally was to be divided between the four siblings with a cash gift (25K) for the grandchildren. Since dh's father died, the will states that 1/2 of the sibling portion should go to dmil and the other split between dh and dsil. Now my dmil has approached my dh saying that she really counted on the money for her future and she doesn't know how she'll manage without it. My dh is conflicted. We live comfortably, and don't need the money, but any extra money could always be helpful!! We have four kids. I hate arguing about money with family members, and I really don't think it is my place to get involved, but I must admit that I will be really disappointed with dh if he signs this money over to dmil. (dsil has been unemployed and in chronic poverty all her life, so dmil won't ask her for her portion.)

Are we responsible for dmil's upkeep? Is it worth a family rift? What woudl you do?

 

[CheapMom]

I would let DH make that decision and then I would try hard to respect his choice. Even if I didn't like his choice I would bite my tongue.

 

[HaleyB]

I disagree with letting/making DH decide alone. You are a family and it will effect you both and it will be tough either way. My own feelings are that your own family should come before all others, including your mother. If the time comes when she needs help, help her, but do it on your own terms. I can not imagine that she needs his money, so it sounds like greed to me. Half of a 2 million+ estate is plenty of money.

 

[scrappinmom]

well I may get flamed for this one.....But I would tell dmil that you are more than willing to help her whenever you can, that the money from gma is being earmarked for your kids (her grandchildren). Besides you really don't know how long dmil will live.& if you sign over your portion...then when she dies your dh will have to split it with dsil!!!!!! I say have a rational conversation with her..if she needs it NOW then fine, loan it to her, to be paid back once the $500k property is sold.

 

[Halle]

offer to help with any expenses that she needs help with....have her give your DH the bills and he writes the check to the company.

 

[aka-mad4themouse]

I'm just trying to keep all the players straight here.

Your DH's paternal grandmother passed away leaving each of her 4 children (one of whom is your late FIL) an equal share of a $2M estate. That means that if your FIL were alive, he would have inherited $500K. Since he preceded your DH's grandmother in death, the will stipulates that his share be split between the surviving spouse (your MIL) and her children (your DH and DSIL), with you MIL getting ½ and DH and DSIL each getting ¼ of the $500K.

It looks to me as if your DH's grandmother wanted your DH and his sister to benefit from the estate. Otherwise, she would have stipulated that the entire amount should go to your MIL.

I think that you should certainly help her out financially if she is in need. But she needs to lay the cards on the table if she expects that kind of assistance. While it is DH's inheritance, how it is used affects you and the children as well. I agree with everyone else. Accept the inheritance and then offer to assist your MIL when and if she needs it.

 

[salmoneous]

One thing that would make a difference to me - is your DMIL your DH's mother? (And just to be clear, is the situation that the total is about $2 million, and you are discussion 1/4 of that. So it's $250K to her, $125K to the kid, and she wants your $125K?)

Now, personally, I could never take any money either of my parents wanted. If I have a job, an income, a profession etc. it is because of the way my parents raised me - all the time they put into teaching and educating me - the years my Mom gave up her career to stay home with me and my brother - the sacrifices they made to be able to send me to college - the love and support that has gotten me to be the person I am.

So if this is his mother, and he is anything like me, he feels an incredible obligation to her. If she says she needs the money, and you know you don't need it, don't be too hard on your husband for helping out his Mom.

 

[C.Ann]

If it is soley your DH's inheritance, then it's his decision and his alone, as to what he does with it.. It would be nice if he considered your opinion, but in the eyes of the law, you and your children have no claim to it at all.. It's one of those few things that isn't considered community property, so to speak..

The MIL will probably guilt him into it, so I think you might as well just write it off as a lost cause..

 

[MAKmom]

The grandmother had a reason for the way she wrote her will. Some would have cut your MIL out. I would tell your husband to keep the money in his name & ear mark it for his mother in the future if it come to that.

 

[Royalbear]

I guess I have no problems with helping out dmil--I think it is our duty. I just want to see where she needs the help--or is it just because she thought she is entitiled to the whole estate? She won't however, reveal her finances to us, and in any other circumstance I wouldn't want to know, but if we are giving her money intended by dgma to be dh's, then I think we should be able to see her finances.

Also dh's mother and father supported him until 18yo then he was responsible for himself. He had student loans and then got an army scholarship to go to college. DSIL has been using dmil and dfil as a supplement to her income all of her life. They financed her home remodel to the cost of 50k of which they told her it would come out of her inheritance--of course there is no legal documentation of the debt.

Like I said we are comfortable, but with four kids we could sure use the money to pay for their college education. My dd (17) is now applying for West Point and ROTC scholarships to help finance her education--I am so proud of her, but would love to be able to tell her to not to worry about the financial need--although I think she would still want to serve in the military--she is so patriotic!

 

[imsayin]

but I must admit that I will be really disappointed with dh if he signs this money over to dmil

I say take your share of the money. Based on your numbers, it is only $125,000. For you that can be invested & grow to a nice amount to pay for college, your retirement, etc. For your MIL, it sounds like she can do without it. Not to mention, there will be gift tax involved on the $125K if you give it to her. Otherwise, the inheritance (unless it is in retirement accounts) is tax free for all involved. If you give her the $$$, Uncle Sam will take his share.

 

[PlutoPony]

IF your DH is seriously considering giving his portion to your MIL, PLEASE have him talk to an estate/tax attorney first. Giving her that kind of $$ might give you all significant tax liability and essentially "lose" a chunk of the inheritance for anyone. It may be more practical tax wise to assist her over time as needed to avoid the gift tax (if it applies).

Inheritance issues often end up as "no win" situations it seems. FWIW I feel it's disrespectful of the deceased to ignore their wishes in disposing of their estate. It should be THEIR decision as to how they want things to be handled - they accumulated the wealth and assets so they should get final say on what happens to it when they're gone.
Good luck!

 

[crisi]

I don't think your grandmother in laws will can work that way. Unless it was given in a trust, as I understand it, once the money became your FILs, it became his. I'm not sure you even have a legal claim to it unless your FILs will specified you get some of it. I'd talk to an attorney before I do anything.

 

[mrsg00fy]

I would respect the wishes of the deceased and gracefully accept what was bequeathed. If DMIL needs more money, is she too old to work? Can you dole out portions as she "needs" it. With purchasing a new home before selling the old one, it sounds like this could be a temporary cash crisis. Drop the selling price and sell the house.
just my 2 cents.

 

[CherCrazy]

Yup, I agree with everyone else here...ok most everyone else.

Keep the $$. It's legally yours. How can you possibly know that she is telling the truth about needing the $$ if she won't let you into her little financial world. Your $$ will be going straight to your SIL, you can count on that.

People just never stop surprising me.

 

[Ozymoe]

Grandmother...was she your DH's father's mother? (in which case DH's mother would be his grandmother's DIL (not a blood relative, although DH and his sister would be blood relatives).

If this is the case, my thought would be to let the inheritance stand the way grandmother willed it...(but also, as many have suggested, take care of his mother by lending money to be paid back when the house sells)...I am sure his mother would see how it would never be fair to ask for your husband's portion and not his sister's and then leaving her estate, when she dies, to be divided equally between those two, having absorbed her son's share from Grandmother and not her daughter's.

Many MIL's would not be so gracious to DIL's as to leave half to her and half to blood relatives (grandchildren). The entire estate many times is passed to the (blood) grandchildren over a surviving in-law.

If DH's mother was his grandmother's blood daughter, on the other hand...that's a way tougher call...however, since grandmother would have by-passed her own daughter to give inheritance money to her grandchildren...perhaps this was done to ensure that her grandchildren would receive something from her personally (perhaps doubting her daughter's ability to manage money so that (grandmother's) grandchildren would receive something when she (grandmother's daughter) died. Sigh...this would be a tough call in our family.

Here's the important part, though:

No matter what, especially if you are blessed financially, taking care of DH's mother in a fashion that does not trivialize her stature in your family...can never, ever be wrong. Your own children may be in this situation one day. What would you want them do?

 

[5kids4dis]

Royalbear, It sounds to like MIL really doesn't "need" the money b/c she has the property to sell plus she jsut bought an expensive home and from my understanding she is the only one living there....I think it would be wise for her to sell the new home IF she needs that much money....you ahve KIDS to look after and for their future along with your retirement ......In my opinion you ahve more obligations then she does .....I say talk to your dh about your concerns and bring up these points and IF mil really needs help then help her when the time comes b/c if she hangs up to some or all of it and she dies you have to split with the sil ....I am with most everyone else take it then see if mil needs help and help her on your terms...good luck Linda

 

[Lyn5]

Goodluck with your MIL, I don't really have a clear answer for that. But I do think it is horrible that your DH is placed in this mess and his sister isn't. Somehow, the responsible child gets the bad end of a deal, many times, and the irresponsible adult-child is enabled.

 

[tinan]

Wow......I would say that you guys should have a talk with your MIL too. I agree with others that grandma wrote it like that for a reason. Maybe grandma didn't think want you guys to wait and to be able to either use it now or invest it to help you in the long run. I would say this sounds like something my dh's family would try to do. Again like another poster said, your dh would be out his portion because dmil would take his and IF there were any left upon her passing, dh would then end up sharing with his sister. On the other hand, it sounds as though dmil is maxed out and is too embarassed to show your dh just how badly she is. I say he should keep it.

 

[Ozymoe]

Did your husband's father and mother receive an inheritance to help them along when they were your age?

Perhaps she feels she had to wait, now it is your turn to wait? (I'm not saying she is right or wrong, just trying to suggest some reasons she might feel justified in asking for your husband's share of the inheritance...and here, I might add, if she is NOT grandmother's daughter, but her DIL...it would be really tough to defend her asking for her son's portion of an inheritance.) This is an interesting problem.

There are so many variables and every family's situation is different. I do hope, no matter which way you all decide, that it can be done together, with a good lawyer to explain the tax advantages of doing it one way or the other.