Infidelity: How many "chances" would you give your spouse or S/O?

[Lovely2CU]

There are two areas in a close relationship where infidelity mostly occurs: physical intimacy and emotional intimacy. Infidelity is not just about sex outside the relationship, but about trust, betrayal, lying and disloyalty.

I know its hard if you haven't been affected by this, but to some its a deal breaker, no matter what.

 

[Sparx]

physically being intimate with another person is unforgivable, in my opinion. let alone doing it more than once.

emotional intimacy is a little harder to handle. i feel i would be more willing to work that out with couple's counseling, etc.

 

[sunnyday123]

Been there, done that, got the divorce decree.

I think emotional intimacy is just as bad as physical. I honestly don't see how you could trust someone ever again. Wouldn't you wonder if he/she is really going to the store/work, etc? To me that is just something that is unforgivable.

 

[mickeyboat]

I was the "1" vote. I used to say "none." But I have two kids and a 17 year marriage to consider at this point. Under the right circumstances, with the right counseling and DH doing the hard work to reconcile, it is possible I would give him another chance.

 

[meloneyb21]

I was the "1" vote. I used to say "none." Under the right circumstances, with the right counseling and DH doing the hard work to reconcile, it is possible I would give him another chance.

Exactly what I was going to say. I feel like there is always a reason, or a problem for why it happened the first time. Something that either partner probably missed. Something that you could possibly work out. Anything after that is just cause you wanted to do it, because you should have worked out what ever "problem" or "excuse" you had the first time, therefore leaving no reason for it to happen again. More than one is 100% unforgivable.

ETA: Easier to do for physical than emotional. I can go right now, have an affair with a guy and not think twice about him afterwards...but it's hard to share your feelings and emotions with someone else and not come home still thinking about them and how they make you feel.

 

[downsouth]

None! End of story.

 

[Acklander]

It would really depend on the circumstances. Was it a one time fling? an ongoing relationship? was it just for sex or was love involved? did DH want to stay or did he want to go?
We've been married a lot of years and have a lot of history, I'd hate to throw that all away on a one time mistake. I guess the big thing for me would be why, and depending on the answer would take it from there. I've never been an all or nothing person.

 

[SC Minnie]

I chose 'no idea'.

I 'say' there would be 0 chances that the first time we would be done but since I haven't been in that situation I don't know. If it ever happened- physical or emotional- it would be extremely hard for me to every trust again.

 

[disykat]

I said "no idea." I honestly don't believe in "deal breakers" in a marriage. When I vowed for better or for worse I meant it - with no except ifs. That doesn't mean there won't be some point where the deal couldn't be broken. Obviously humans fail and marriages don't always last. However I refuse to spend making lists of rules about what might make my marriage fail. I only know I will do my best to keep my marriage solid and deal with problems as they arise. Whether I'd be able to live with a problem would depend on what it was and whether I was able to rebuild trust with my spouse.

It's hard to imagine living through infidelity, but I won't rule it out because I hope we'd try.

 

[Serena]

I told him he couldn't sleep in my bed thinking about her, so he left. He hadn't been physically intimate with her yet. So, none was my response.

 

[frndshpcptn]

Well - I just went through this and ended up leaving the guy.

We were together for 7 years (living together for 2). There were a few episodes of "less than truthfulness" about where he was and who he was with early on. But he swore there was no "cheating" going on - so I stayed and we worked it out.

Found out 2.5 weeks ago that he hooked up with some girl in a seedy Atlantic City motel room when he was there the weekend before with one of his guy friends (although I'm not sure if I even believe he was there wth the other guy?).

If that's not bad enough, he sent her suggestive text messages and photos once he got home (which I found on his phone - hence how I knew about it).

I found out at 11 PM in the evening and had packed up and moved a majority of my stuff out the apartment and to my parents house by Noon the next day.

I found a new place to live and he's having movers deliver the remainder of my things to me next week.

Done and done.

 

[DutchsMommy]

I think it;s easy to say none until you are faced with it, and then you have to make your own decisions.....

 

[NMAmy]

I think it;s easy to say none until you are faced with it, and then you have to make your own decisions.....

I think a lot of people who voted "none" have already been through it and know exactly what they'd do because they've done it.

 

[wdwfan16]

I vote other - If we were not married then the relationship would have been over the first time. If we were married, then I would give him a second chance if he showed remorse, we went to counseling, he let me control the relationship (as in no sex until I am good and ready and he is clean) and he showed me he really wanted to try. A second time and he is gone or if the above ifs were not met then he would also be gone.

 

[disney1990]

I said one, but it would really depend on the circumstances, counseling, etc.

Years and years ago, I had a friend that said, if my husband ever has an affair, he is so out of here. Well, he did, and she begged and begged him to stay with her. He ultimately decided to leave her.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Hard for me to say but I voted "1". I think as you get older you realize people are not perfect. I only voted "1" if there is tremendous remorse shown, counselling is started, and the offending party has no further contact with the other person involved. If that means changing jobs, so be it. The offending party's life has to be an open book to his spouse for as long as it takes to win the trust back. If there is another affair, kick them to the curb!

TC

 

[EthansMom]

My DH and I have an agreement that if one of us really wants to be with someone else, we'll discuss it first before "doing the deed". For both of us, "cheating" is a matter of trust and respect. We respect each other and value our relationship enough to discuss things first.

I can't say for certain what I'd do if that trust was ever breached... but I'm not the kind of person who can forget (forgive, yes, forget, no). I guess it would really depend upon the situation and circumstances.

 

[AllyandJack]

Infidelity....as in actually met another woman.... None. It would be over and that's that.

Doing something stupid like contacting someone via e-mail, Facebook, etc.....I'm working on forgiving once, but, I have to be honest here, I don't think I'll ever let it go.

If I have this much trouble getting over what most people deem "a stupid mistake" (he created a MySpace page where he said he was single), I'm 99.999% sure I could never forgive actual cheating.

I'd like to say I'm making some sort of effort, but I'm really not. I don't want to. I probably should since, in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't a huge deal (and he's since blocked the Internet feature on his phone to prove to me that I could trust him). I can't let it go though, even "for the kids".

sunnyday hit it dead on....that's the life I live. Is he REALLY working overtime? What was that "unavailable" call to his cell phone? Why did he get $20. cashback at the store?

Who wants to live like that? I don't. As far as I'm concerned, there is no going back. I honestly feel that once a person goes there, they're likely to go there again when they think you're no longer watching. I don't want to spend my whole life "watching".

 

[Disney Doll]

So have you started your divorce process, Allyandjack???

 

[SaraJayne]

None for me.

Doesn't matter what the circumstances are. You did it, you pay for it with your marriage.