In need of advice

[andromedaslove]

OK, well I don't usually ask for advice from a group of strangers, but I don't really have anyone else I could ask. So here goes. When I was 19 I got married to a man in the Navy. We had alot of problems in our relationship, but I was gonna make it work. The day of our first anniversary he left for a 6 month cruise on his ship. While he as gone I moved everything into our new house, and got a new job. I made some friends at work, and sometimes after work we would go out and have a few drinks and hang out. Well, one night we went out and there was a guy there who from the moment I saw him made me VERY uncomfortable. I let all of my friends know that I wasn't comfortable with him and made them promise that they wouldn't leave me in a situation where I would be alone with him. Unfortunately, that's exactly what happened and that night he raped me. It wasn't long after that I decided that I couldn't make my marriage work, and that I was done trying. I let him know before he even got home that I wanted a divorce and that there was nothing he could do to change my mind. Fast forward 6 years or so, we did get divorced. I have been re-married to a wonderful man for almost 5 years now, we have 3 boys, and I am very happy.

Now here's my problem. Over the past year I realized that the reason I was so hateful and mean with my first husband about the divorce was because sub-consciously I blamed him (partly) for what had happened to me while he was gone. Like maybe I was angry that he wasn't there to protect me. I can't seem to get it outta my mind, and I feel really bad. Like I said before we had serious problems anyway, and I truly feel that the divorce was the right thing, but for me to tell him while he was gone and to be as mean as I was, well it just wasn't right. I know for a fact that it hurt him very much. I have this need to apologize to him. Even if he is over it, I want him to know that I am truly sorry and to explain everything that happened. I believe that he is now re-married also. He still lives here in town and the only contact info I have is his number and address (via the phone book). I don't want to make his wife uncomfortable by calling either.

Ok, I am open for advice.

Dana

 

[hiwaygal]

Write him a letter explaining how you feel, what happened, your thought processes, etc.

Then put it in an envelope and stuff it in the back of a drawer or something and try to forget about it.

Sometimes the act of writing it all down will help ease your "need" to apologize.

I don't think you should try to contact him at all, and in fact, you might want to seek out some counseling for yourself. It sounds like you feel guilty for something you couldn't really control, and I don't think you should feel that way.

Good luck to you...

 

[marybet]

Leave it go. If you would have still divorced him than it really doesn't matter. Most divorces aren't "nice", you've moved on and it seems as if he has too. I think you want to tell him just to ease your guilt and by doing that you will only open old wounds that have probably healed.

My ex. and I had a friendly divorce and got along until I remarried and then we had some problems. That was 7 years ago. If he called me now and said I was greedy and I shouldn't have put you through all that, so what? I'm over it and seldom even think about it or him. If our children ever get married I could be in the same room with him, no problem. My point is it would serve no useful purpose for him to explain it all now. Life goes on and sometimes we just have to live with our mistakes.

 

[pearlieq]

I think talking to him might be a good idea. It might help both of you find some closure. For all you know, he might have been wondering all these years about what might have caused the changes in your personality you mentioned and it might help him come to terms with what happened between you.

I think what will make this a positive or negative experience is how you handle and approach the conversation.

I would contact him and tell him that you feel you owe him an apology and that there are some things you would like to try to explain to him. I would be direct and say that you've moved on and are happy and are not looking to rekindle your relationship, but rather you just feel like you'd like to clear your conscience and get some closure. If he doesn't want to talk, DON'T PUSH. Just wish him well and don't contact him again.

If he agrees to talk with you, maybe make arrangements to meet in a public place on neutral territory--a quiet coffee shop or a local park. Get together, ask how he's doing, then speak your piece. Make sure you stay focused on explaining to him the changes in your behavior and don't drag up old fights/disagreements. Speak in "I" statements as much as possible about how you were thinking and feeling. Be prepared for him to get upset. It wasn't a good time for either of you. Try to end the conversation on a positive note, but with finality. Again, you're trying to right a wrong in your past, not trying to start a new relationship.

With all that being said, if even the teeniest, tiniest part of you is hoping to rekindle this relationship, don't contact him. If you're still angry at him and won't be able to speak calmly or stay focused, don't do it. If you're doing this for any other reason than to clear your conscience, right a wrong, and to help him feel better about what happened between you, don't do it!

Good luck with whatever you decide!!!

 

[Keli]

Let it go. It's over and done with and it's best to let sleeping dogs lie. If you ever happen to come face to face with him and get into a conversation you could bring it up then but otherwise I'd leave well enough alone. You know you're sorry for being so hard to him but I can't help but think he wouldn't appreciate hearing that you blamed him for what happened to you while he was gone. If he knew about it then he probably blamed himself, at least somewhat, too and if he didn't know about it he'll wonder what your motive is for telling him about it now.
I see very little benefit to anyone in dredging up old history at this point in your lives.

 

[Jynohn]

I think I can address this as I was "the new wife" in a similar situation...

I posted about this a few months ago, but basically my husband was deployed in Iraq this summer when his ex-wife tried to contact him. A year or two after they were married, she had sent him a "Dear John" letter while he was on ship. Basically she decided military life wasn't for her and she wanted out of the marriage. After being out of his life for almost 10 years, she was suddenly facing major surgery and decided that it was a good time to contact my husband to apologize for the past and just to "see how he was doing."

I can tell you that as his current wife, I was really uncomfortable with her contacting him again after all these years. I appreciated the fact that she could admit she was wrong for the way she left, and that she was a big enough person to apologize for her mistake, but I also felt that there was no need to drudge up all this from the past when he had long since moved on and was happy in a new marriage. My take on it basically was that she was "feeling him out" to see if there was any interest in rekindling something. I may or not be right, but it's how I felt as the "new" wife.

I think it's wonderful that you have come to terms with the past and that you're now at a place where you can admit the breakup of your marriage may not have been one-sided. I just think that it may disrupt your ex's new life if you were suddenly to come out of the woodwork to even inadvertantly re-open old wounds. If you were to ever accidentally bump into him, I think it would be nice for you to let him know you accept responsibility for your part in the break up, but for you to go out of your way to contact him when he is happily remarried may be hurtful to his new wife.

Just a different perspective from someone who's recently been there...
And I'm very sorry to hear about what happened to you. I'm proud of you for being able to move on from the experience.