In laws Grrrrrrrrr

[Disney Doll]

That must have hurt both you terribly. I'm so sorry for your loss

We are so terribly sad right now for them and I just read this crap about a freaking cheesecake and seriously live is way to short - which is what I meant by perspective. Unless it is something very serious and food is not serious - then make it work - don't threaten to not show up because a cheesecake is on the table

Make the most of every day as you just never know and if that means putting up with a bit of crap to make it easier on your DH then you do it.

Sorry for your loss. I am sure it is terribly sad.

The point isn't the cheesecake. The point is the years the OP has had to deal with this behavior. She hit the wall.

Make the most of every day? With people who have little or no respect for you? Why should someone waste their precious life trying to appease people who cannot be appeased. And as far as making life easier for her DH...well, where is the part where he makes life easier for her by not initially siding with his crazy parents before he finally realizes how crazy they sound?

 

[Imzadi]

My MIL actually dislikes cheesecake, if I've heard the woman complain once about how awful they are if they are too cheesy (whatever that means) I've heard it a million times. She never had this cheesecake, in fact it was offered to her the day after Thanksgiving and she snubbed it. Trust me, she doesn't give a hoot about the cheesecake. What this woman DOES care about is getting people to ask "How high" when she says "Jump."

The cheesecake is a metaphor... we'll it's real life but it's not about the cheesecake.

Nope. Not done. She'll get YEARS of cackling joy to everyone in three counties about how she played dil, and how all she has to do is "snap her fingers" to get her way....She'll bring it up "casually" at EVERY family gathering for the next 40 years....playing her game IS buying the stupid cheesecake.

I'm STILL paying for the first 5+ years I TRIED to get along with her....I fully expect there to be a list of her "winnings" to be included as a codicial to her will....going right up until the 5 minutes before she croaked!

If the OP sets her foot down, she at least gets the satisfaction and self-worth of knowing she didn't "lose" again....and that alone is worth millions.

OP, this is what you do. (It will also take into consideration roscoepc's post, too.)

MIL doesn't even LIKE cheesecake, So much the BETTER. You buy a Junior's Cheesecake. Surely you know that a Junior's Cheesecake is the penultimate of cheesecakes. Its the Godiva Chocolate of all NY cheesecakes.

You spend the $30 and go all out and buy the big one, with the multi-fruit topping and the little crunchies around it. Heck, it's Christmas.

Then, after the whole family raves, swoons and sighs over it, to a level MIL (who didn't have a piece,) couldn't believe that kind of reaction can come out of human beings, and they are complimenting you on the cheesecake, you simply say, "Yes, MIL inspired MY idea." <look at her with a simpering sweet smile> "She just had to have cheesecake today. So I thought, 'Yes, it's Christmas, DH & this family deserve the best,' so I went all out to BUY this cheesecake for you guys today. Gee, thanks for inspiring MY idea, MIL. You're right. Cheesecake. They deserve the best one. <another simpering sweet smile at her> Have you had a piece yet? Oh, that's right. You don't eat cheesecake. Great! More for the rest of us. You want another piece DH? DD? DS?"


In chess terms, you take a little pawn and make it a queen. Then you turn around and use it to knock all the other pieces off the board. Checkmate.

You win because you turn her manipulation into an incredible win for you and your family. Like taking lemon's and turning it into Newman's Lemonade, complete with donating proceeds to charity.

Then if she ever brings up cheesecake again, or this cheesecake, just say, YES, how wonderful it was to BUY them the best one. They were all so happy. You were right before, when you said you didn't want to make one. This idea was so much better.

If it hasn't been asked already, WHY do you live next door to these people?

Well, that sounds like another 2-3 threads.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Imzadi, OH YEA, you have dealt with manipulators before?Absolutely the way to go.

Then after that if OP wants to address the IL's and their manipulation you do it more on an adult level and give yourself the upper hand. AHA.

Disney Doll you should know that allowing them to win will strengthen their hand. The act of getting the cheesecake makes you the winner and not the loser.

If I am "going to play", I play to win.

 

[BroganMc]

OP, this is what you do. (It will also take into consideration roscoepc's post, too.)

MIL doesn't even LIKE cheesecake, So much the BETTER. You buy a Junior's Cheesecake. Surely you know that a Junior's Cheesecake is the penultimate of cheesecakes. Its the Godiva Chocolate of all NY cheesecakes.

You spend the $30 and go all out and buy the big one, with the multi-fruit topping and the little crunchies around it. Heck, it's Christmas.

Then, after the whole family raves, swoons and sighs over it, to a level MIL (who didn't have a piece,) couldn't believe that kind of reaction come out of human beings, and they are complimenting you on the cheesecake, you simply say, "Yes, MIL inspired MY idea." <look at her with a simpering sweet smile> "She just had to have cheesecake. So I thought, "Yes, it's Christmas, DH & this family deserve the best, so I went all out to BUY this cheesecake for you guys today. Gee, thanks for inspiring MY idea, MIL. You're right, Cheesecake. They deserve best one. <another simpering sweet smile at her> Have you had a piece yet? Oh, that's right. You don't eat cheesecake. Great! More for the rest of us. You want another piece DH? DD? DS?"


In chess terms, you take a little pawn and make it a queen. Then you turn around and knock all the other pieces off the board. Checkmate.

You win because you turn her manipulation into an incredible win for you and your family. Like taking lemon's and turning it into Newman's Lemonade, complete with donating proceeds to charity.

Then if she ever brings up cheesecake again, or this cheesecake, just say, YES, how wonderful it was to BUY them the best one. They were all so happy.

Love it.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Ahh, you guys are clever but you don't seem to understand what's going on here. This particular brand of personality isn't interested in the cheesecake, she is interested in MAKING me make it. She would eat it just to make sure it's home-made, she's hate it but eat it IF and only IF she KNEW I did it myself and only then because she would relish knowing she could slam it later on. I think part of the issue is that after we made the darn thing as a family here DH went over there and bragged how great ours was and FIL made the fatal error of agreeing, which is why she snubbed it & why she sent over HER recipe

Now if I were there with DH this could have been avoided because I would have seen this coming and just said her's is better. I doesn't matter if it is or not she just needs to hear it. That I don't care about. DH and I have been together since I'm 19 and my own mother was even more manipulative, jealous and mean so, in general, my MIL is a piece of cake. I can see her coming a mile away... she's fumbling and clumsy while my own mother was more like a lethal Ninja. To borrow from The Bionic Man "Smarter, faster, stronger." My MIL taught me how to cook and my stuff can be fantastic as long as I give her some small nod either saying, "Well MIL taught me" or "I still can't make it as good as you" or something similar we're ok. I know it's ridiculous but this is just how her sort of personality gets on in the world, I can't change her and really I can work with it BUT there are limits. Her dictating what I will or will not do just so she can get the upper hand is the limit because ultimately, it is a dangerous personality.

Sigh... writing this out I realize there is only one compromise. I think I will pick up the stuff then invite her to come over and make HER version of cheesecake later today to 'show me how it's done' with my daughter around as a buffer. This will keep me from jumping on command, will keep her feeling she is still the 'expert', will cause her to call of my FIL and will give my husband and angst free holiday. Also, if she isn't free it gives me an out. Sigh... why do some people go through life like this? More importantly, why do I keep finding them

 

[Disney Doll]

Imzadi, OH YEA, you have dealt with manipulators before?Absolutely the way to go.

Then after that if OP wants to address the IL's and their manipulation you do it more on an adult level and give yourself the upper hand. AHA.

Disney Doll you should know that allowing them to win will strengthen their hand. The act of getting the cheesecake makes you the winner and not the loser.

If I am "going to play", I play to win.

Sometimes you just have to stop the crap and "just say no".

 

[OceanAnnie]

Ahh, you guys are clever but you don't seem to understand what's going on here. This particular brand of personality isn't interested in the cheesecake, she is interested in MAKING me make it. She would eat it just to make sure it's home-made, she's hate it but eat it IF and only IF she KNEW I did it myself and only then because she would relish knowing she could slam it later on. I think part of the issue is that after we made the darn thing as a family here DH went over there and bragged how great ours was and FIL made the fatal error of agreeing, which is why she snubbed it & why she sent over HER recipe

Now if I were there with DH this could have been avoided because I would have seen this coming and just said her's is better. I doesn't matter if it is or not she just needs to hear it. That I don't care about. DH and I have been together since I'm 19 and my own mother was even more manipulative, jealous and mean so, in general, my MIL is a piece of cake. I can see her coming a mile away... she's fumbling and clumsy while my own mother was more like a lethal Ninja. To borrow from The Bionic Man "Smarter, faster, stronger." My MIL taught me how to cook and my stuff can be fantastic as long as I give her some small nod either saying, "Well MIL taught me" or "I still can't make it as good as you" or something similar we're ok. I know it's ridiculous but this is just how her sort of personality gets on in the world, I can't change her and really I can work with it BUT there are limits. Her dictating what I will or will not do just so she can get the upper hand is the limit because ultimately, it is a dangerous personality.

Sigh... writing this out I realize there is only one compromise. I think I will pick up the stuff then invite her to come over and make HER version of cheesecake later today to 'show me how it's done' with my daughter around as a buffer. This will keep me from jumping on command, will keep her feeling she is still the 'expert', will cause her to call of my FIL and will give my husband and angst free holiday. Also, if she isn't free it gives me an out. Sigh... why do some people go through life like this? More importantly, why do I keep finding them

That's why your MIL does that crap. She gets away with it and pushes her way until she gets it. At some point, being the bigger person falls flat.

Is she and your FIL really going to be in a snit over not having cheesecake?
If you don't want to make it, don't. Make or buy something else that you and your family wants like your DH suggested. If it should come up, tell them they missed a really great cheesecake on Thanksgiving.

Some people go through life pushing others around because they can and it works for them. Cheesecake today, something else tomorrow, and the next day. Stop the insanity!

 

[Lionqueen2]

Ahh, you guys are clever but you don't seem to understand what's going on here. This particular brand of personality isn't interested in the cheesecake, she is interested in MAKING me make it. She would eat it just to make sure it's home-made, she's hate it but eat it IF and only IF she KNEW I did it myself and only then because she would relish knowing she could slam it later on. I think part of the issue is that after we made the darn thing as a family here DH went over there and bragged how great ours was and FIL made the fatal error of agreeing, which is why she snubbed it & why she sent over HER recipe

Now if I were there with DH this could have been avoided because I would have seen this coming and just said her's is better. I doesn't matter if it is or not she just needs to hear it. That I don't care about. DH and I have been together since I'm 19 and my own mother was even more manipulative, jealous and mean so, in general, my MIL is a piece of cake. I can see her coming a mile away... she's fumbling and clumsy while my own mother was more like a lethal Ninja. To borrow from The Bionic Man "Smarter, faster, stronger." My MIL taught me how to cook and my stuff can be fantastic as long as I give her some small nod either saying, "Well MIL taught me" or "I still can't make it as good as you" or something similar we're ok. I know it's ridiculous but this is just how her sort of personality gets on in the world, I can't change her and really I can work with it BUT there are limits. Her dictating what I will or will not do just so she can get the upper hand is the limit because ultimately, it is a dangerous personality.

Sigh... writing this out I realize there is only one compromise. I think I will pick up the stuff then invite her to come over and make HER version of cheesecake later today to 'show me how it's done' with my daughter around as a buffer. This will keep me from jumping on command, will keep her feeling she is still the 'expert', will cause her to call of my FIL and will give my husband and angst free holiday. Also, if she isn't free it gives me an out. Sigh... why do some people go through life like this? More importantly, why do I keep finding them

Generally, I think doing what you need to in order to keep everyone happy is the way to go and your compromise seems very thoughtful of everyone in your family. Your MIL is very lucky to have you. So many other DILs would just write the ILs off their list and opt for a private Christmas with just DH and the children.
I think the sad part of this story is that you seem to have a MIL that derives power from seeing you jump when she dictates and the rest of the family needs to see her pacified because they don't like the backlash. While I normally do what I can to accomodate people and don't let their quirks, comments, etc., get to me, I feel for you because you seem to be the victim of manipulation. Your MIL must have very little self-worth to make an issue out of something so unimportant as whose cheesecake is better.
This year, DH and I will be going to my DILs house and will have Christmas dinner there. I have no idea what DIL will be making, but will compliment her cooking. Even more important to me than the food, is the effort that DIL is making so that our family will have a nice Christmas. She has two young children and will be cooking and cleaning beforehand. That kind of thought and effort is to be acknowledged and appreciated, not criticized.
You seem to have struck a compromise about the cheesecake that is satisfactory to you and you should feel very proud to be the better person. I wish you a happy and peaceful holiday.

 

[Swank]

Wow you have come full circle. I applaud you for compromising and having her over to make the cheesecake. It shows how much love you have for your husband. Since you will have your daughter there you can tell her that you would love for her to start teaching her grandchild how to cook since you appreciated so much how she taught you. Good luck.. have a Merry.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I would love to stop it but she is in he 60's and not likely to change. Truth is I sort of feel bad or her. We both came from messed up homes so there is a level of understanding between us that is hard to define. She just grew up adopting some of the behaviors she saw and I went the other way entirely... but i still understand why she is the way she is. Growing up with a manipulative mother is brutal, and no doubt why my DH and i get along also well... I don't send mixed signals and DH responds to that. MIL can be mean as a snake but she is really as fragile as spun glass. Truth is i can do way more damage to her than she can do to me and we both know it, I just have a much stronger personality than she does and I have her son and I have her grandchildren. So when I get what she sees as the upper hand on something she gets upset. She just needs to feel she is needed and I can do that as long as she'll meet me half way, I can do it.

I'm going to call her today to put this out there, I just have to make sure she answers the phone not my FIL. He's a bigger PITA than she is because he is simply an extension of her, he loves to feel like a body guard and she encourages it. My SIL is away in the Galopogous Islands which means MIL will have her cell by her side all day, I will call that and bypass the goon.

I'll let you guys know how it goes I am curious as well. I will try to resolve The battle of Cheesecake hill on the diplomatic front. Let the negotiations commence

BTW, if I wasn't actually living this life I wouldn't believe such ridiculousness goes on in the world

 

[Wishing on a star]

Now if I were there with DH this could have been avoided because I would have seen this coming and just said her's is better. I doesn't matter if it is or not she just needs to hear it. That I don't care about. DH and I have been together since I'm 19 and my own mother was even more manipulative, jealous and mean so, in general, my MIL is a piece of cake. I can see her coming a mile away... she's fumbling and clumsy while my own mother was more like a lethal Ninja. To borrow from The Bionic Man "Smarter, faster, stronger." My MIL taught me how to cook and my stuff can be fantastic as long as I give her some small nod either saying, "Well MIL taught me" or "I still can't make it as good as you" or something similar we're ok. I know it's ridiculous but this is just how her sort of personality gets on in the world, I can't change her and really I can work with it BUT there are limits. Her dictating what I will or will not do just so she can get the upper hand is the limit because ultimately, it is a dangerous personality.

OMG.... you have really just nailed the whole thing!!!! Like I said, I've BTDT and every single letter above rings totally and completely true..... Your inlaws were the one that created the whole cheesecake hill thing with their 'there WILL be cheesecake on the table' declaration of war.
(anybody who thinks that by venting to your DH and being 'expressive' by mirroring your inlaw's comments that you are in the wrong, they have it COMPLETELY WRONG.)

And, instead of making her own, 'superior' cheesecake, your MIL hands you her recipe!!!!! And DEMANDS that you make it... OMG, a total and complete ambush... The setting of the trap. I wouldn't fall for that in a million years. (like you said, too freakin' obvious!!!! she isn't even subtle is she!!!!)

OP, with this post above, you have just proven to me that you really and truly are not creating Cheesecake Hill, because you are an immature, catty, female, and want to create a snit....

Kindly, with a huge and sincere smile, tell MIL that since her Cheesecake would be just SO much better, you will save room on your table for her to bring one on over....


PS: My MIL is like your mother.... the silent, lethal, ninja. It is just incredible what these woman can control and pull off without any 'visible' action or effort that may openly make them look bad. It really is incredible!!!! They have it down to an art form!!!! That combination of Narcissism and Passive aggressive simply can not be underestimated.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Sometimes you just have to stop the crap and "just say no".

And that is fine. But I would not play into the hands of crazy over cheesecake.

You risk her having the upperhand long term with getting in a peeing contest over cheesecake.

If you are going to start standing up for yourself do it a different way. This is acting too childish for my taste.

I break out the big guns. If I truly wanted to make a stand here, I would tell MIL to apologize for her behavior or she is not invited for dinner to my house ever again.

 

[LuvOrlando]

That would soooo never happen. Even the thought of it made me laugh, not at you but the scene as it played out in my head.

True story. A few years ago we were having a BBQ. I walked in to help with the salad and MIL & FIL were carrying on over a cucumber. She was yelling about how he got her another veggie and she wanted a cucumber for the salad and he walked off in a huff as she complained to me. Well as I pulled out the stuff for the salad I saw what she was talking about and told her, "I see what happened, this thing in the saran wrap is what you are talking about right? This is a cucumber. It's one of the new kinds that are seedless, they are much more expensive but I've never had one. Should I let Dad know we can use it so he doesn't feel bad any more." She looks at me and laughs, "He doesn't need to know he was right, that'll be the day."

I know, I know, hold your applause... I won the lotto

If she's willing to go to the mattresses over a cucumber with the man she has been married to for 40 years my chances of a reasonable outcome over demanding an apology are not that great. Sure it would be funny at the moment but long term, it wouldn't end well.

 

[jmpurdy]

Unfortunately, this will just be another battle won or lost, but the war is still ongoing. Others have posted with similar issues with their MIL's and it really does come down to how much crap does one take before it all explodes over something stupid (like cheesecake). I couldn't do it day after day, planning, strategizing, being ready for the attack, etc. Nope, won't do it. I'd move far away and be done with it. How does she treat the kids? It seems she will play such games with them as they grow older too; manipulate, guilt trips, etc. I could not tolerate that for one second. Best of luck OP.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That would soooo never happen. Even the thought of it made me laugh, not at you but the scene as it played out in my head.

True story. A few years ago we were having a BBQ. I walked in to help with the salad and MIL & FIL were carrying on over a cucumber. She was yelling about how he got her another veggie and she wanted a cucumber for the salad and he walked off in a huff as she complained to me. Well as I pulled out the stuff for the salad I saw what she was talking about and told her, "I see what happened, this thing in the saran wrap is what you are talking about right? This is a cucumber. It's one of the new kinds that are seedless, they are much more expensive but I've never had one. Should I let Dad know we can use it so he doesn't feel bad any more." She looks at me and laughs, "He doesn't need to know he was right, that'll be the day."

I know, I know, hold your applause... I won the lotto

If she's willing to go to the mattresses over a cucumber with the man she has been married to for 40 years my chances of a reasonable outcome over demanding an apology are not that great. Sure it would be funny at the moment but long term, it wouldn't end well.

I am just saying what I would do.

I don't beat around the bush. If you are going to throw down with me then you better have the boy scout motto tattooed on you because you have met your match.

I do not tolerate manipulation period. That is why it is hard for us to give you advice because you do.

I would have moved away or got divorced.

And to top this off my MIL is paranoid schizophrenic and she is way better than some of the MIL's stories posted here.

 

[BroganMc]

That would soooo never happen. Even the thought of it made me laugh, not at you but the scene as it played out in my head.

True story. A few years ago we were having a BBQ. I walked in to help with the salad and MIL & FIL were carrying on over a cucumber. She was yelling about how he got her another veggie and she wanted a cucumber for the salad and he walked off in a huff as she complained to me. Well as I pulled out the stuff for the salad I saw what she was talking about and told her, "I see what happened, this thing in the saran wrap is what you are talking about right? This is a cucumber. It's one of the new kinds that are seedless, they are much more expensive but I've never had one. Should I let Dad know we can use it so he doesn't feel bad any more." She looks at me and laughs, "He doesn't need to know he was right, that'll be the day."

I know, I know, hold your applause... I won the lotto

If she's willing to go to the mattresses over a cucumber with the man she has been married to for 40 years my chances of a reasonable outcome over demanding an apology are not that great. Sure it would be funny at the moment but long term, it wouldn't end well.

OP if nothing else you make me grateful for the family I have. Granted I have one in-law who is forever pushing my buttons and a couple older brothers who forget we are not 12 anymore (big brothers picking on little sister at the dinner table), but I can't say we have ever been downright manipulative with each other.

Can you not be secure enough with yourself you know what you will do and forget whatever crazy MIL does? I mean if you don't want cheesecake and don't want to make it then don't bother. MIL can fume all she wants. She just looks crazier for doing it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Can you not be secure enough with yourself you know what you will do and forget whatever crazy MIL does? I mean if you don't want cheesecake and don't want to make it then don't bother. MIL can fume all she wants. She just looks crazier for doing it.

Good point. There is always that route.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Please don't think I'm not taking the advice here seriously. You guys really do help but what works for one family doesn't necessarily work for another. In my case I have already been forced to cut myself off from my own family tree so if I cut us off from this crew we'd be alone, and I don't want that for my DH and my kids.... there is no-one else. What kind of life is that for my family Sure it would be better if this sort of silliness never happened but it's not all up to me.

So I spoke with DH and he was ok with this compromise but he thought it would be best if he were the one to talk with her. He just called me and MIL was THRILLED to be invited over to make the cheesecake with us as a family tonight. Crisis averted

In all seriousness, DH would make an excellent diplomat in the UN

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Please don't think I'm not taking the advice here seriously. You guys really do help but what works for one family doesn't necessarily work for another. In my case I have already been forced to cut myself off from my own family tree so if I cut us off from this crew we'd be alone, and I don't want that for my DH and my kids.... there is no-one else. What kind of life is that for my family Sure it would be better if this sort of silliness never happened but it's not all up to me.

So I spoke with DH and he was ok with this compromise but he thought it would be best if he were the one to talk with her. He just called me and MIL was THRILLED to be invited over to make the cheesecake with us as a family tonight. Crisis averted

In all seriousness, DH would make an excellent diplomat in the UN

Good thing you worked it out.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'm glad you worked it out too.

You are right. Everyone, every family is different. You have to do what works for you.

Merry Christmas!