In laws Grrrrrrrrr

[FayeW]

It's NOT about the darn cheesecake.

It is about MIL's need to control everybody...
To demand that her DIL appease/service her.
And to make sure that her son sacrifices his wife to appease her.

The last I heard, when two people live in a home and pay the mortgage it is THEIR home, not just hers! Maybe, just maybe, the OP's husband just wants a damn cheesecake, too. Not saying the OP is obligated to make anybody a cheesecake, but if her husband wants to make, buy, or have his mother bring a cheesecake that should be his choice. After all, it's his house too!

 

[Manhattan Princess]

The last I heard, when two people live in a home and pay the mortgage it is THEIR home, not just hers! Maybe, just maybe, the OP's husband just wants a damn cheesecake, too. Not saying the OP is obligated to make anybody a cheesecake, but if her husband wants to make, buy, or have his mother bring a cheesecake that should be his choice. After all, it's his house too!

NO! As the OP said, ""if there is a flippin cheese cake on that table I won't be." The line has been drawn. No middle ground!

 

[Scurvy]

The last I heard, when two people live in a home and pay the mortgage it is THEIR home, not just hers! Maybe, just maybe, the OP's husband just wants a damn cheesecake, too. Not saying the OP is obligated to make anybody a cheesecake, but if her husband wants to make, buy, or have his mother bring a cheesecake that should be his choice. After all, it's his house too!

I was thinking this as well. No offense, OP, because if you don't want to make a cheesecake then you absolutely shouldn't make one. But I took your if there's cheesecake at the table, I won't be comment to mean that you wouldn't even let your husband buy or make one, and I think that's way over the top.

Personally, I'd just go buy one and be done with it. And if the inlaws complained because I hadn't cooked it, I would laugh it off and take it as a compliment. After all, that must mean that they like my cooking! Of course, my thinking on this could be colored by the fact that I don't really see cookies as a dessert item - to me, they seem like more of a snack. I have no idea why I feel that way, but I would want to provide something other than just cookies, and if I knew some of my guests were really hoping for cheesecake, that's what I'd get.

 

[LuvOrlando]

DH has plainly reached his own conclusions. I just asked him if he wanted me to go pick one up to keep the peace and he said, while looking at one of my recipe books, "Nope, I'll pick a few things and we can vote as a family THEN I'll let my mother know what she's getting."

He really is a good guy and there really is no trouble. My MIL can just be a royal pain sometimes. I'm still ticked at her antics but less so now that DH understands where I'm coming from, he always makes things better.

We'll see what the MIL says to my DH but I'm sure she'll be sweet as pie....she likes HIM

 

[C.Ann]

I was thinking this as well. No offense, OP, because if you don't want to make a cheesecake then you absolutely shouldn't make one. But I took your if there's cheesecake at the table, I won't be comment to mean that you wouldn't even let your husband buy or make one, and I think that's way over the top.

Personally, I'd just go buy one and be done with it. And if the inlaws complained because I hadn't cooked it, I would laugh it off and take it as a compliment. After all, that must mean that they like my cooking! Of course, my thinking on this could be colored by the fact that I don't really see cookies as a dessert item - to me, they seem like more of a snack. I have no idea why I feel that way, but I would want to provide something other than just cookies, and if I knew some of my guests were really hoping for cheesecake, that's what I'd get.

I guess that's the way I read it too.. That's why I suggested just buying one and throwing away the box..

This would not be worth ruining my (and/or my family members) holidays for.. If there's a need for a "power struggle", there will be plenty of time for that after the holidays.. Remember - this will not just cause misery and ruin the holiday for you, but your entire family - when they pick up on the tension (kids included).. Is it really worth it to "take a stand" on Christmas??

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

I just read bits and pieces here, but I LOVE that you stood up for yourself! PLEASE let us know how things went. Good luck!

 

[lovetoscrap]

These people are not traveling from hours away and will be dependent on her for all of their meals and desserts for the holiday period. It isn't like she would be accommodating their whims for just one weekend/day/ holiday. She has been, and will be, accommodating them years. If the damn cheesecake is so important to THEM then they can buy or make one, leave it at THEIR house next door, on THEIR table, and after dinner and a few cookies (or not) walk NEXT DOOR and eat all the cheesecake they want.

As she and others has said, this is not about cheesecake on either side. It is about control and power and manipulation. Today it is a cheesecake. On New Year's it will be about something else. On a Sunday dinner in March it will be about another something completely different. It isn't about keeping the peace and holiday spirit for just one day. The MIL will keep demanding and trying to control every situation. OP has an absolute right to be assertive and not be a doormat to someone that thinks she should be.

Someone can only take advantage of you if you let them. She isn't letting her.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Thanks for that

 

[roscoepc1]

these people are not traveling from hours away and will be dependent on her for all of their meals and desserts for the holiday period. It isn't like she would be accommodating their whims for just one weekend/day/ holiday. She has been, and will be, accommodating them years. If the damn cheesecake is so important to them then they can buy or make one, leave it at their house next door, on their table, and after dinner and a few cookies (or not) walk next door and eat all the cheesecake they want.

As she and others has said, this is not about cheesecake on either side. It is about control and power and manipulation. Today it is a cheesecake. On new year's it will be about something else. On a sunday dinner in march it will be about another something completely different. It isn't about keeping the peace and holiday spirit for just one day. The mil will keep demanding and trying to control every situation. Op has an absolute right to be assertive and not be a doormat to someone that thinks she should be.

Someone can only take advantage of you if you let them. She isn't letting her.

amen!!!!!

 

[Minnie]

if there is a flippin cheese cake on that table I won't be."

Here is the problem........ don't make the cheesecake if you don't want to as they are time consuming BUT you have options rather than choosing this path that really puts your DH in the middle with on way to win.

Options -
Buy or have DH buy a cheesecake
Ask MIL to bring the cheesecake

But really this is not really that important. A family member lost a 6 week old infant this week - really puts life into perspective

 

[ilovejack02]

Whole Foods makes the best cheesecake, if DH or MIl wants one, tell them to carry their self to the store. : )

I would be upset too LuvOrlando , I get it ! No way I would make one either , but I wouldn't discuss it either. I say how I feel once , and they better get it quick. Thank goodness DH and my family were quick learners and got with the program.
My MIL tried to pull tricks in the early years, she got shut out fast and my DH knew he would no longer be the DH if he sided with their insane ways. I also learned quickly that If I was being too controlling , DH would put a stop to it quick also. Thank goodness we worked it all out early, it has made for a fairly pleasant 15 years. The first two were not so pleasant.

 

[hereyago]

But really this is not really that important. A family member lost a 6 week old infant this week - really puts life into perspective

I am sorry for that loss, however, the "putting life into perspective" does not mean you have to WASTE your life being miserable and having people try to manipulate you because people previously have allowed that behavior.

Here is life into perspective: My DF passed away 6 years ago from lung cancer, I took care of him. DM WOULD NOT DO IT, everyone including ironically DF allowed and enabled her to be a spoiled lazy brat-and I have told her this so it is not like I am talking behind her back. He was in the hospital that last week. SHe called him and wanted me to come home, SHE NEEDED ME more then he did she said. She then said to him: who is going to take care of me when you die I heard it all and it wasn't the oh I can't believe you are going to die, i love you so much sort of who is going to take care of me. He waited on her hand and foot-it has been a shock that I don't do it, because wait for it...... she isn't in a vegatative state and is able to use her body for now.

You know what? he got off the phone and cried and said he wanted to divorce her years ago but he was afraid of what would happen to me if she had me. can you imagine being on your death bed and you have wasted time that you won't get back on BS?

The cheesecake is not the problem, the MIL thinking she has to have her WAY is the problem and everyone ALLOWING and ENABLING her to act like that.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Nope. Not done. She'll get YEARS of cackling joy to everyone in three counties about how she played dil, and how all she has to do is "snap her fingers" to get her way....She'll bring it up "casually" at EVERY family gathering for the next 40 years....playing her game IS buying the stupid cheesecake.

I'm STILL paying for the first 5+ years I TRIED to get along with her....I fully expect there to be a list of her "winnings" to be included as a codicial to her will....going right up until the 5 minutes before she croaked!

If the OP sets her foot down, she at least gets the satisfaction and self-worth of knowing she didn't "lose" again....and that alone is worth millions.

You can only be manipulated if you want to.

And there is no such thing as "winning" or "losing". That is the first thing you need to purge from yourself. That type of thinking is what keeps you in the trap.

OP lives next door and hosts Sunday dinners with her IL's. Obviously her situation is not that bad.

They are just having a battle of wills between women because the boundaries between them are not that great because they are "close". Even if they have a bad relationship they are still close. I think Lady Gaga calls it a "Bad Romance".

OP got mad, put her foot down. Fine. Now she has to examine if this is the hill she wants to die on.

I say no. I would not die on "cheesecake hill" on Christmas.

Now if she stabbed me, punched me in the face, called me a curse words, OK, now I would probably die on that hill.

 

[Tinijocaro]

Simple solution: "If you'd like to bring a cheesecake, that would be great but I won't be making one this year."

I am soooooo ticked.

Background, FIL is a whipped wind-up toy of a man and MIL is extremely manipulative and a bully if you let her. We live next door and I make dinner every Sunday. They've never helped with the kids and are generally self-centered people and would never put themselves out for another person.

For starters my In-laws (who live next door) bailed on us for Thanksgiving. No biggie to me but my kids & DH were bummed. MIL & FIL went up to see her sister and her family along with DH's one sister and we weren't invited. Personally, I'm not a huge fan of these people but if it's for my DH and kids I go along with it. Anyway it's annoying, I'd never dream of doing this to one of my kids but that's me... whatever, I got over it and the 4 of us had a wonderful time anyway but I could tell it bugged my family.

So this weekend my daughter didn't want to come with us to the Dog show, she call MIL to watch her. First MIL says yes, then calls back and wants to come to the show instead o we take her. We have her all day, first the dog show, then we take her out to dinner, then we bring her to the ski lodge to watch my son snowboard for a while. Sounds nice right. Well in the middle of this she & my DH start talking about a cheesecake for Christmas. I said, "I just don't want one, I'm sick of them." We had one for Thanksgiving and last week I had to spend 4 hours making one for DH to bring one to work. I don't want to waste the time or the expense on something we've had too much of and which my family won't eat. Who cares right, no biggie. My house my dessert.

Anyway I cooked for them yesterday like I do every single Sunday. I have been in this family long enough to know the score and knew games were coming so I told DH before they came, look I just don't want a cheesecake, I want cookies, this is my holiday in my house and I want help making my cookies.

All through dinner they are being generally nasty to me, but does DH see it... nope. As I'm cleaning up I hear my In-laws in the living room carrying on about the stupid flippin cheesecake being obviously purposefully loud just for me. I get PO'd and go upstairs to get my kids ready. I can hear my FIL saying "If there is no cheesecake at my table for dessert there is no dessert at my table."

Now I'm ticked. Not over the stupid cheesecake but i don't like people messing with me on purpose. I say something to DH and he starts in how I'm imagining things. (I'm not, MIL routinely sends one of my SIl's home crying over her head-games and antics) This stuff doesn't make me sad, it just , these are not my parents and they can't hurt me, but they sure can make me wish I lived somewhere else.

I'm PO'd over their garbage and DH is still fixated on the stupid cake. I can't tell if he really doesn't get it or if he's just trying to force me into accommodating the crazy old bat. So now he & I start arguing. I'm still super mad about the whole thing because, and told him, "I don't really care if your entire family jumps through hoops for that woman, I've done enough and if there is a flippin cheese cake on that table I won't be." This isn't about the stupid cheese cake, it's about their unrelenting garbage and the way MIL likes to try and twist people up into knots and the fact I'm just done bending.

Nice way to start the week

Came into MY house to give me garbage.... what nerve.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Here is the problem........ don't make the cheesecake if you don't want to as they are time consuming BUT you have options rather than choosing this path that really puts your DH in the middle with on way to win.

Options -
Buy or have DH buy a cheesecake
Ask MIL to bring the cheesecake

But really this is not really that important. A family member lost a 6 week old infant this week - really puts life into perspective

ITA. I most certainly would not make a cheesecake, but couldn't care less if someone else brought one.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Cheesecake Hill is hilarious.

I think we will now and forevermore call Christmas 2010 The Battle of Cheesecake Hill in my house

I don't want to die on that hill but I won't give it up either, no-can-do... I will inform you all of my strategy as it takes shape. For now there has been a lull from the cold weather but it is too soon to call whether it is a ceasefire or the calm before the blitz. My money is on a sneak attack, I don't know where or when but I will be prepared. At the moment I am deeply considering a smother attack of sweetness and smiles.

 

[Mama-san]

These people are not traveling from hours away and will be dependent on her for all of their meals and desserts for the holiday period. It isn't like she would be accommodating their whims for just one weekend/day/ holiday. She has been, and will be, accommodating them years. If the damn cheesecake is so important to THEM then they can buy or make one, leave it at THEIR house next door, on THEIR table, and after dinner and a few cookies (or not) walk NEXT DOOR and eat all the cheesecake they want.

As she and others has said, this is not about cheesecake on either side. It is about control and power and manipulation. Today it is a cheesecake. On New Year's it will be about something else. On a Sunday dinner in March it will be about another something completely different. It isn't about keeping the peace and holiday spirit for just one day. The MIL will keep demanding and trying to control every situation. OP has an absolute right to be assertive and not be a doormat to someone that thinks she should be.

Someone can only take advantage of you if you let them. She isn't letting her.

Yeah! What she said!

As the OP stated, the MIL doesn't even like cheesecake, she made it at Thanksgiving already (where the MIL didn't eat it), and her family doesn't want any more now. To me, logically it doesn't make sense make or even buy one. That should be reason enough to explain why you don't have one. If you knew she ate it, and she came to you and asked you straight out to make it, I would be much more inclined todo it, but I don't dig the all of the passive-aggresive comments.

Glad to hear you've got a supportive DH. Good luck!

 

[Minnie]

I am sorry for that loss, however, the "putting life into perspective" does not mean you have to WASTE your life being miserable and having people try to manipulate you because people previously have allowed that behavior.

Here is life into perspective: My DF passed away 6 years ago from lung cancer

That must have hurt both you terribly. I'm so sorry for your loss

We are so terribly sad right now for them and I just read this crap about a freaking cheesecake and seriously live is way to short - which is what I meant by perspective. Unless it is something very serious and food is not serious - then make it work - don't threaten to not show up because a cheesecake is on the table

Make the most of every day as you just never know and if that means putting up with a bit of crap to make it easier on your DH then you do it.

 

[mickeysgal]

Cheesecake Hill is hilarious.

I think we will now and forevermore call Christmas 2010 The Battle of Cheesecake Hill in my house

I don't want to die on that hill but I won't give it up either, no-can-do... I will inform you all of my strategy as it takes shape. For now there has been a lull from the cold weather but it is too soon to call whether it is a ceasefire or the calm before the blitz. My money is on a sneak attack, I don't know where or when but I will be prepared. At the moment I am deeply considering a smother attack of sweetness and smiles.

Put on your oven mitts and let the best woman win!

 

[Disney Doll]

If you think a woman standing up for herself is represented by saying that a cheesecake will never sit on your table because your in-laws like them? That is a bigger setback for the women's movement than anything else said here.

I kind of think you're not getting the point. It's not the cheesecake. It's the whole nasty, controlling thing that the MIL has done for years.