In-law problem *sorry, long*

[CJK]

Hi all. I feel guilty writing this all to you. This problem with my in-laws came to a head just before Christmas and no progress has been made. I'd need to type an essay in order to explain everything, but obviously I can't do that! I really need some advice or even just a sympathetic ear. I'm completely at a loss at what I can/should do next. Here's a description of the situation. Just before Christmas, my dh's parents told him how upset they are with me. In short, I'm very different from dh's parents and we have very different expectations of what relationship we want with each other. Since Christmas, dh and I have been in therapy to help each other deal with his parents and their wild accusations. It came out in therapy that my mother-in-law most likely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She lacks empathy in that once she makes up her mind about something, there's no changing it. Dh says that over the years, he has learned to just "tune her out".

The problem with this disorder, is that there's no reasoning with her. Dh has tried over the years and nothing penetrates. As soon as she feels threatened, she gets on the attack. Since Christmas, she has been firing wild accusations at me and when I calmly try to explain my perspective, she puts up a wall and that's that. End of discussion.

At Christmas, we got my in-laws to agree to therapy together with us. Well, we found out last weekend that they are no longer willing to go. Mother-in-law (MIL) said that it would do no good b/c it's all MY fault and all I would do is attack them in therapy. She insists that I have A LOT of growing up to do, etc... This is a symptom of NPD. She is projecting her own insecurities onto me. I know I've made mistakes with them, but I also know that we need to ALL take ownership for these problems.

Dh and I had another therapy session (just us) this week and our therapist had some very depressing advice for us. She said that she thinks someone with NPD will likely not EVER change, especially if they cannot admit they have a problem. For as long as they blame me for everything, progress won't be made. The best I can hope for is to not let her wild accusations hurt me anymore. It's ironic that they consider me immature, yet I'm the only one who is owning up to my role in this mess.

I feel a sense of loss. Until now, I had been hoping that therapy could help us all "see the light" but now, that hope is gone. I need to get from feeling angry/hurt with my MIL to not caring and realizing it's HER problem.

Has anyone else been through major issues like this with in-laws? I'm so hurt/angry right now that I can't even imagine seeing them anytime soon and being able to carry on normally. We haven't seen them for almost 2 months, but we will be seeing them again shortly. Thanks for listening. Sorry for the ramble.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I had been hoping that therapy could help us all "see the light" but now, that hope is gone. I need to get from feeling angry/hurt with my MIL to not caring and realizing it's HER

Perhaps you could instead look at this as hopeful. If a person has no hope of getting better, then you can realize that nothing you do will change things. So, just try to get to a point where you can love them in spite of yourself. DH and yourself lay down personal groundrules. You can discuss them with your inlaws or not. Put a healthy distance between your family and them. And then within your limits, love them. I don't know if I'm making this clear. For example, I have family members who are alcoholics. At least right now, they are not going to change. I accept them for who they are, weakness and all. I don't get involved in situations with them where I will be bothered by their drinking. They do not have close roles with my children. There are some things I just won't let happen. But because I know they can't change I can be more patient with their bad behavior.

 

[MickeysMommy]

Don't know what to say to all that but thought I'd just pass along a

 

[Melora]

to you

I have great in-laws now..(well a little looney but great)

My ex MIL was a nightmare. Aside from the fact that she had a thing for my ex (no kidding..... really, she even told him it was Ok for a mother and son to .....uh ........um .......show affection for each other in many ways.... ) she never did like me very much.

She accused me of stealing from her (I was about 20 at the time and did not know how to defend myself except to feel very bad) and the list goes on... Oh yeah..one thing I always remember, she tried to get my ex a mistress because she said I couldnt possibly satisfy him....

UGH! so glad I don't have to deal with her anymore!

I know that may not help but it might assure you that you're not the only one who has had to deal with impossble in-laws.

As long as your husband is on your side, thats the main thing!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by CJK
I need to get from feeling angry/hurt with my MIL to not caring and realizing it's HER problem.

Has anyone else been through major issues like this with in-laws? I'm so hurt/angry right now

One way of moving into that mode of thinking is to accept she is "sick" and is not going to get well. It takes time but this approach helps.

Give yourself time (a month at least) to really think about the course of action you want to take. Feel the hurt, soak it in, and maybe the answer will be clearer to you.

 

[olena]

Not with my in-laws, but you have described the situation with my sister. I don't have much to do with her anymore. It hurts, because I love my sister. We used to be best friends. Being around her is an incredible frustration, so I understand how wronged and trapped you feel. Do the best you can and stop blaming yourself....*HUGS*

 

[lisajl]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

My mil is not too nice to me, either. Like your DH, my DH tunes out his mother as well.
It drives me nuts! I am not good enough for her son. (unfortuantely, he is the only son)!

I wish you the best. As someone else posted, as long as your husband is on your side, you will be okay.

Good luck..
Lisa

 

[sue1013]

Don't blame yourself she is what she is you have no control over your MIL. I'm saying that after 28 yrs of dealing with a MIL that sounds like yours. My MIL has never liked me but that's ok everyone is not going to like me. DH is same as yours has tuned her out for the majority of his life. That's his mother he can deal with her however he wants. The few times a year I see her I am cordial to her but that's as involved as I get with her. It came to be this way after many, many years of trying. If she is like my MIL she thrives on making trouble. MIL will call SIL's and talk about each one to the other. She tried right after Christmas this year with me telling me things supposedly SIL had said. At first I was angry then thought about it and it made no sense the things she said. Just trying to suck me back in. It is very hard and I wish you the best dealing with this unfortunate situation.

 

[CEDmom]

I'm really sorry you're having a rough time. I don't have a good relationship with my MIL and have minimal contact. Since you know she's sick and won't get better with therapy have your DH and you thought of a plan on how to deal with her? By that I mean how often you need to see her and under what circumstances. I'd try to limit contact as much as possible. Does your DH have other siblings? If so, I really think her condition should be known by at least the immediate family. Good luck.

 

[tiggersmom2]

So sorry about you in-law problems, unfortunately I'm also in that boat. My MIL is an elderly woman, she had my husband in her late forties. He was her baby. When he married me, she got it in her mind that I was "replacing" her. She hates me with a PASSION, nothing I can do is ever right. She is also the most vindictive and hateful person alive. Just for an example, I stay home with my baby on fridays, well before we had her number blocked she would call at 5:00 a.m. just to let the phone ring and wake us up! She also is constantly telling my husband that our baby looks nothing like him! The really sad thing is that she is in terrible health and doesn't want to even talk to her son as long as he is with me. I think it is really sad that she hates me more than she loves her son.

 

[disykat]

Similar problems here - though it is FIL that is the problem. Our marriage has been saved by reducing/eliminating contact. We no longer fight about them. DH and the kids see them occasionally, but we basically try to make them a non-issue in our marriage. We've also put language in our will to keep my children away from them in the event of our death.

DH and I both had to sacrifice our ideas of what would be "ideal" and just do what it took to save our marriage. Since FIL will not change and DH will not stand up to his father, that meant we had to eliminate FIL opportunities to berate and belittle me.

I will have to read up on NPD, it sounds like it might fit my FIL. He believes he has a special connection with God and wisdom that he needs to share with the world (most especially me!). No joke -he actually told me that!

 

[Mishetta]

Move 2000 miles away. That's what we did to escape the wrath of my IL's & we have no communication & life is good.

What can you do? We tried everything before & then we decided we needed to keep peace in our family so we moved & everything is great now.

Hang in there!

 

[Disney's Deluxe Princess]

Sounds like you have a loving husband. That's all that matters here. Your DH knows she has a problem and realizes that neither of you can change his mom. Maybe his method of tuning out his mom is the best route to go in this situation.

 

[RUDisney]

My DH sees his mother, but I only have to ruin holidays by seeing her with the kids. She is evil in its purest form. I don't want my children to learn that, yet DH is powerless over her control. Fine... it's his mother.... I don't have to like her.... or see her.

Even on holidays, I put a turkey, ham, etc., in the oven before we go to her house so we have to leave soon so I can check it. The thing is that she's convinced all of her children, except DH that I am no good. That's primarily because I'm happy, as is DH and the kids. How dare us!

I spoke to our priest about trying harder to get along with her for my DH's sake. His advice didn't work, so, as Sue said, I limit my time with her and don't say much in her presence so there is less to criticize and talk about later when I'm gone. As long as talk of her stays out of our house, DH and I are happy. That has been our resolution.