In a little bit of a dilemma..please help

[dreamswishesmagic]

I know that this is probably a common thing but I'm having some trouble
I have been with my now fiance for almost 6 1/2 years...we just got engaged in disney a couple of months ago We just found a place to move in together and I'm having a lot of trouble with my parents and sister getting past the whole "moving out". I'm really excited but they aren't we really don't even talk about it. I'm so excited to finally be living with my hunny but I wish everyone else was excited for us to. Am I making the right decision, All the parents keep saying is "I thought you would wait until you get married" but we aren't planning to get get married for 2-3 years so we can save up and hopefully get married in Disney . Any advice would be greatly appreciated..and by the way I'm moving 10 minutes away..I don't know what to do...should I just do what is going to make me very happy...I can't wait for the one on one time with him and to have the feeling of us finally having a home. Thanks for listening..I don't really talk about it that much but I'm really excited.

 

[almacdonald]

First of all, the only person that can decide if moving is the right decision is YOU and your Fiance.

My personal feelings is that living together before you are married is a wise choice, financially and emotionally and in many other ways. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5.5 years and have lived together for 3.5 years. We moved in together because it was cheaper for us to rent a bigger apartment together than 2 smaller apartments separately. We also split all the grocery costs and bills etc. I think you learn a lot more about a person when you live together than you possibly ever could living separately. As silly as it sounds you learn if they leave toothpaste splatters in the sink, if they put their cutlery in the dishwasher business end up or down, if they're a rough sleeper, if you need to constantly spend time together or if they enjoy personal space etc. While these things may seem trivial to some, there can be a real shock when a couple moves in together. If you've ever lived with a friend you can totally relate to these things, you may love your friend but despise them as a room mate! Now i'm sure that if you've been together 6.5 years you probably know some of these things already but living together can give you a sense of what things will be like after you're married.

I can understand, however, how some people have moral reasons for not living together before marriage and that's their choice. I just think that getting married is a big commitment in itself, there is stress involved in planning the actual event as well as in making a huge life change. I would think that when newlyweds move in together for the first time there could be an even bigger adjustment than had they lived together before getting married.

Everyone needs to evaluate their own situation and make their own decisions. Sounds to me like you've already decided what you would like to do. Listen to your heart (as cheesey as that sounds!) and make the decision that's right for you and your Fiance.

Oh, and congratulations on your engagement!

 

[dreamswishesmagic]

Thanks almacdonald that is very helpful. It would be nice to go home to him after work every night and for him to be there in the morning. My thought are you never know what life brings and tommorrow is never a guarantee. I just don't want to hurt anyone in the process but in my heart I feel like it's time. After 6.5 years I do know some of his "habits" but like you said I think it is a great thing to live with the fiance before the marriage. Plus with the planning that will be taking place in the future for the wedding I would like to come home and discuss it with him one on one. Thanks for the advice I hope others also reply it's nice to hear the reassurance that I'm not doing a bad thing and that it really is great stepping stone in life.

 

[mhcueball2]

Agree with almacdonald. Moving in together was just the right choice for us. We were out of college, "out on our own", and dating for 3 years before moving in together...it was the next step for us. My Catholic parents weren't really happy about it, but they always let me make my own decisions. Looking back, I don't what we would do if we didn't live together, it would just add more stress to the relationship (although living together does add a lot of stress also ).

I hope it works out for you.

 

[dreamswishesmagic]

thanks for the advice mhcueball2 thank you thank you, the stress! you said it right. it does lead to some arguements not being able to live together, only because when we have our little mishaps we can't resolve it before the night is over because we go home to different places. I love the advice im so happy i asked. my parents keep saying you do what you want to do, you have to make that decision but then again they are giving me the guilt trip to no end thanks for the advice i really appreciate it.

 

[PoohPrincess76]

You gotta test drive the car before you buy it. I know alot of people are against it. My expirience is that you can't keep up facades all the time, living together helps you find out if you are really compatible.

 

[dreamswishesmagic]

thanks poohprincess I appreciate all the advice Im getting today it's making me feel better and that I'm not doing this horrible unheard of thing.

 

[PrincessShanShan]

Dh and I didn't live together before we were married. It's not something either of us felt comfortable with. We never even spent the night together until our wedding night, but that was what was right for us. I have an almost 16 year old son from my first marriage. I'm not going to say I would be thrilled with him living with someone once he becomes an adult, but the choice would be his. As parents, it's so hard to let your kids grow up. Realizing they don't need you to hold their hand and that they can "fly on their own" can be really really difficult. I'm sure you're parents love you very much and only want you to be happy. It' s the learning to let go and ultimately letting go that's the hard part.

 

[jojoandhb]

I moved in with Scott the day after I met him. It felt right. I never, ever felt like I didn't know him. We had an instant attraction, and it wasn't a physical thing. The second I saw him, I felt like I had been waiting for him. It was literally like a movie where time stood still, and all I saw was him. Obviously, he felt the same way since I went home with him that night, we stayed up talking until 6 AM, and then he asked me to move in.
Now, this didn't make people happy. Everyone kept telling me he could be a rapist or a spousal abuser or whatever, but I knew in my heart he wasn't. My grandma kept telling me we were living in sin. I cannot tell you how many people asked if he was beting me!!
These people were trying to help. They are older, thay have old-fashioned values. I felt guilty and a little torn because people weren't happy with my choice. (I won't even mention what Scott's family thought) I wondered if I had made a mistake. However, someone close to me told me that I have to live my own life. She said, "If you live for other people, what happens if they die tomorrow? Then who do you live for?"
You seem to have a solid relationship, you are committed to one another. I know it sounds harsh, but who cares what anyone else thinks? You do not have to be married to be committed, to be happy, or to live together.

 

[hmgolden]

I don't have much more to offer other than agreeing with what the other girls said. Its YOUR decision. I can't imagine not having lived with DH before we got married. We dated for 4 years (college) before moving in together. I wouldn't have changed a thing. Getting married was stressful enough for me without having the added the stress of adapting to a roomate right after!

 

[lovesmurfs]

We couldn't live together before we got married -- I don't personally have anything against it -- it just wasn't right for us. It is totally your decision and you shouldn't let anyone else's ideas for you change what you want to do.

However, everyone I've ever known who has lived together before has gotten divorced -- as one example, my brother and his wife (who I thought were made for each other) lived together 5 years, married for 5 years, and now are divorcing. Here's some brief statistics: http://marriage.about.com/od/cohabitation/qt/cohabfacts.htm

 

[jojoandhb]

As a Mathematician, I want to say that you cannot go by all statistical surveys. There are so many variables to take into consideration, and you have no idea how or when that particular study was conducted.
The divorce rate is just high, period. It is up to each individual couple to put their all into a relationship. You cannot make a conclusion based solely on one study. In fact, researchers who want the study to yield a particular result can change variables in order to assure an outcome in their favor or even misrepresent findings. Some people report the results of a study and do not understand what they are reporting. They are simply spitting back facts and may not have the whole picture.

 

[JDMasso]

I have been with my DH2B for 6 1/2 years as well and as of last week, we are now living together for the 1st time. I wanted to wait until we were married, but it was a decision that we ultimately made together. My family was not happy. I was raised in a very strict, conservative family, and my sisters did not move in with their husbands until they were married. . .so you can only imagine what their response was when we decided to move in together before getting married. All I can say is that you must do what makes you happy. If living with your hunny is what you want and you feel that you are ready for it, then do it. Your parents will realize that you are an adult and that it is your decision. Ultimately, this is what happened in my situation. They realized that we love each other, and are planning to be married . . .and that it was my decision. Good luck, and if you need to talk, you can PM me

 

[Funniebunny]

My Fiance lived an hour and half's drive away so we only saw each other at weekends at the beginning of our relationship. He would either come to my house or I would visit him at his parents house. Just over a year after we started dating David got a new job and moved in with me and we haven't looked back. I don't personally think I could have married him without living with him first. It's not easy and you have to fit around each other. A year on and we have our routines and I wouldn't have it any other way. He loves his new job and he is finally on the property ladder.
We thought we might get some opposition as his parents are practising Catholic's but I think they realised that it was right for him and we now get them to visit us so we can pamper them rather than it being the other way round.
Only you know what is right for you, go with your heart and good luck

 

[BrideToBe82]

I was also torn between living with my fiance before marriage and not. I asked my family and friends what they thought and they had a million opinions about it. My mom was the one who finally told me that I need to do what I think will make me happy and that I was the only one who could make that decision. My fiance and I ultimately decided to move in together and I think that it was the right decision for us. We were able to work on "us"...because trust me there is a lot of work to do when you first move in with someone (we are both only children haha) that no one tells you about! Now when we get married we won't have the added stress of having to adjust to living together too. Do what is right for you...you are the only one that can make that decision. Good luck and let us know what you decide to do

 

[MissKris721]

My parents, too, were all up in arms about me moving in with my FH (we were just bf/gf at the time, but we had been talking about getting engaged and got engaged 2 months after I moved in). I was 27 so it was about time I got out of my parents house...not that it was terrible (and I miss my parents' cooking and my mom would clean and do my laundry...yes, I was spoiled!) but it was just time to go. I am an only child and my mom is having a hard time letting me go. She isn't excited about the wedding b/c she still wants me to be a little girl. I try to understand it and be understanding, but sometimes I wish she'd be a little excited!! Last week I told her that I finsihed the save the dates and we are going to mail them out at the end of Sept. She was like 'So you are really going through with it?"....She loves my fiance and she is very happy for me....but at the same time she wants me to come home.
I think maybe this could be part of the reason why your parents aren't excited...they just wish their kids were all little again. I am not good at handling change and when I moved in with my bf (now FH) I cried for 3 weeks. Then we bought a house together and that was another change and that was hard for me too...I can't imagine being newly married AND adjusting to living together too....that would be too much for me. Just make the choice that you think is right...your gut I'm sure is telling you something....trust it!

 

[purplegirl247]

First, I agree with the "do what you feel is right" posters. My boyfriend and I moved in together within the first 3 months of dating and have been together ever since. Second, I am so glad to hear there are so many couples who have been together for a long time before getting married.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now and people are constantly asking us "why aren't you guys married yet? what are you waiting for? is he afraid of commitment or something?" It just didn't feel right to us...until recently. We're planning a small ceremony with just fam within the next 7 months (hooray!) but we're keeping it sort of a secret (so as not to get the "why aren't you having a bigger wedding" questions), so we'll have to put up with the "why aren't you married yet"s for awhile.

That was a long way of saying, what a great topic of conversation!

 

[LAD1108]

My parents, too, were all up in arms about me moving in with my FH (we were just bf/gf at the time, but we had been talking about getting engaged and got engaged 2 months after I moved in). I was 27 so it was about time I got out of my parents house...not that it was terrible (and I miss my parents' cooking and my mom would clean and do my laundry...yes, I was spoiled!) but it was just time to go. I am an only child and my mom is having a hard time letting me go. She isn't excited about the wedding b/c she still wants me to be a little girl. I try to understand it and be understanding, but sometimes I wish she'd be a little excited!! Last week I told her that I finsihed the save the dates and we are going to mail them out at the end of Sept. She was like 'So you are really going through with it?"....She loves my fiance and she is very happy for me....but at the same time she wants me to come home.
I think maybe this could be part of the reason why your parents aren't excited...they just wish their kids were all little again. I am not good at handling change and when I moved in with my bf (now FH) I cried for 3 weeks. Then we bought a house together and that was another change and that was hard for me too...I can't imagine being newly married AND adjusting to living together too....that would be too much for me. Just make the choice that you think is right...your gut I'm sure is telling you something....trust it!

Reading this just takes me back 12 years ago... I am an only child to a single working mother (dad took off when I was 5 years old). When I met my DH everything was fine, then we got engaged and he became my mothers enemy(at least in her mind), My life for the next 1 1/2 was pure HELL. Everything he did was wrong---I was constantly defending him (even if I thought he was wrong), By the time of the wedding I was a complete and utter disaster. At the wedding, she acted as if she were going to a funeral---she wouldn't walk in and be announced at the reception she complained that there was too much Italian music (she might have been right there) not enough American music and no Irish music. I tried calling her during the honeymoon(CB 1994) and she wouldn't accept my calls. In fact she didn't talk to me for about 6 weeks...Most people would have just walked away and went on with thier life---but the bond between an only child and mother is special. My mother still tries (and at times still does) to push my buttons--but I have learned (and I have the scars to prove it) to just do what is right for you. Because ultimately it is YOUR life. BTW my mother and DH now have a wonderful relationship.

Eventually your mother will get into it---she is scared. That is what it all comes down to....


Be happy because we only get one shot to live our life.....


Also, I cried for about a month when I moved out---I too HATE CHANGE

 

[bopper]

You gotta test drive the car before you buy it. I know alot of people are against it. My expirience is that you can't keep up facades all the time, living together helps you find out if you are really compatible.

But to further that analogy....if you have not bought the car, do you treat it the same way you would if you did? How well do you treat rental cars vs. ones you own?

To the OP, are you at least engaged? That might help the parents deal with things.

 

[ljhayes]

I agree with the majority. DF (bf at the time) and I had been dating for two years when he graduated, and we moved in together. We've now been living together for over 3 years, are engaged, and couldn't be happier. I'm sure my parents weren't thrilled when we moved in together, but they never said anything negative to me about it, and to be honest, I didn't ask their opinion.

I think our relationship actually got a lot easier when we moved in together. He's the only person I've ever lived with (including best friends) that doesn't get on my nerves after a while

Also, as a research statistician, I am quick to be skeptical of study results, as well. If you read the statistics on that page, these are all listed:

- In the United States and in the UK, couples who live together are at a greater risk for divorce than non-cohabiting couples.
- Couples who lived together before marriage tend to divorce early in their marriage. If their marriage last seven years, then their risk for divorce is the same as couples who didn't cohabit before marriage.
- If cohabitation is limited to a person's future spouse, there is no elevated risk of divorce.

To me, these seem like slightly contradictory results. Perhaps they're generalizable to different populations, but without specification, I'm not sure I'd invest strongly in any of them. Take everything you read with a grain of salt.

So, that was a long way of saying, do what you feel is right for you, and things will work themselves out

Good luck, and congratulations!!!