I'm getting so tired of fighting.....

[Trixie15]

I wanted to add something that hasn't been said yet.

Document everything. Get yourself a notebook and just start keeping notes. Keep it as unemotional as you can.

Date and Time - Husband wrapped his hands around my neck and lifted me off the ground for a few seconds. I was afraid for my life.

Date and Time - Husband called and threatened to burn my house down if I left.

Date and Time - Husband said he will take the children and run if I tried to leave him.

Also, start filing police reports for any acts of physical violence that may occur from this point on until you are able to leave. You might even try to file a report about the throat incident if it's not too late. The police need to have this stuff on file so that it is easier to get a restraining order when you kick him out of the house or when you leave the house and find another place to live.

Get out as soon as possible but be smart about it. Do you guys have any money in savings that you can access? Go open an account of your own, in your own name and start putting money away. Don't tell your husband about this account and by all means don't use an account that he has access to. It usually only takes $50 or $100 to open your own account.

When it starts getting overwhelming, break it down into little steps that aren't so unmanageable.

Good luck and please keep us posted on how things are going!!

 

[sashagiselle]

Best of luck on your journey to freedom. You CAN get through it.

 

[Lady V]

It could be one of the kids necks next time. Get out today. That extra night is NOT WORTH IT!!! If you wont do it for yourself (and you deserve to be happy!) then do it for the kids. Imagine if he hurt one of the kids? That would NEVER go away. do it for thier sweet faces. They love you, they trust you,-do what is right by them. you can do it.

 

[frtchr]

Think about what you would tell your daughter if her husband were doing this to her. Would you encourage her to stay and keep her children in this situation? Doubtful. I can't begin to imagine how hard this will be for all of you, but you have to take care of yourself and your children. We're all pulling for you, Amy.

 

[Dani C]

On most days I know he's a jerk, but some days he makes me think of the old DH I used to know, before things got really bad. . . . Part of me keeps thinking I should give him another chance.

Please remember that the old husband you knew doesn't really exist and probably never did. The man you know now, he is the one that is there and (unless there is a medical reason for a severe change in his personality) the one that has really always been there. He was able to hide that side of himself until he felt that the you would not or could not leave him.

 

[tanyabanana]

Thinking of you and sending you strength and peace for you and your children. The first step out is often the scariest--there is more support for you than you will ever know. I have been there myself. Make sure that you do make any reports that you can and keep a personal log of what is going on. Get that restraining order as soon as you can. It will give the police a tool that they can use to help you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[accarson]

You and children have been in my thoughts and prayers since you posted. But today decided to comment after reading a devastating story on Orlando Local6 news (father kills kids then self).
Please take advice and get you and children out of this situation. It will be hard starting over. We here on board do not personally know you. But we are all praying for you. And the power of praying is an amazing thing.
God bless you and children. I pray for you all to have peace and strength to get through this very difficult time together .

 

[mouseketeer_mom]

to the OP, you've gotten some really good advise. I spent 12 years working in our local private/non-profit for Domestic/Sexual Violence and another 5 as a Victim/Witness Cordinator (sooo very surprised to see this actually listed in another post) anyway, just a few pieces of unsolicited advice from me (some previously stated)

1. talk to someone from your local DV agency. they are going to have both civil an criminal remedies and a list of resources available to you.

2. Be very aware! Whether they come to fruition or not, take every single threat he makes seriously. A woman in a domestic violence relationship is at the greatest risk when she tries to leave.

3. Create a safety plan. copy all keys, important documents, bank statements, loan papers, credit cards (front and back), pay stubs, tax returns, birth certificates, etc. store it all with someone you trust. create a bag of a couple of changes of clothes for yourself and the kids. make a very short list of any last minute things you might have to grab if you have to leave in a hurry. stash every penny you can. depending on the laws of your state, it may not be wise to open an account while you are still living together and the bank will mail statements.

4. document everything, every threat, every tirade. if you ever have a red mark or bruise, photograph it and get someone else to see it, and tell them the truth. (their testimony won't be admissable but it's important anyway)

5. confide in the school counselor. the school has to release your children to him unless there is a court order stating otherwise. but if you've made them aware, in a crisis you could call the school and if he comes to get the kids, they may call the police buying you precious time.

6. if his buddies are with the local sherriff's dept, call the state police or vice versa (and frankly, most police depts are savy enough that even if he's a buddy, they follow the letter of the law)

7. this one's important, very important. you don't have to figure it all out before you leave. none of us know for sure, what our lives will be like a year from now. one step at a time. you are not alone.

I wish you safety and peace. You'll be in my prayers.

 

[CLR4321]

I didn't even finish reading your whole post because your story is the same one I have heard time and time again. I used to volunteer at a domestic violence resource center for their women's group meetings.
You DO have the power to get out. You DO have a right to a violence free life. Your children DO deserve to live in a home where they do not have to hear the yelling, crying, and hatred. You CAN DO it alone, if need be. There are places to go for help. Even if he were to disappear off the face of the earth after you leave him, and hide to avoid paying child support, you can do without him. Do not worry about child support. As long as he has a job, the state will collect it for you (in most states - check with your local dept of human services for help with child support questions). Just tell yourself that you CAN DO this. Now, you don't have to go jump in the river so to speak, you can spread it over a month or so if need be, unless you are in immediate danger. If he EVER threatens to hurt you or any of your kids, or friends, family members, etc.....grab your kids and your purse and get out the door, and go to the police dept immediately. People with this type of behavior are sick, and can and do snap.
First thing - Set a goal and a date. You can say by Dec 5th you will be out. Start looking for full time work. Start planning how you will get your things out of the house (friends, family, church members, etc who would be willing to help). DO NOT tell anyone about your plan!!! Even a good friend could accidentally slip up and foil the plan. On the day you are planning some help, just tell them you need some help with moving "some stuff". Once they are there tell them that you are your kids are moving out. You can also contact the police dept to have them come to your house while you get your stuff out if needed, to prevent your husband from trying to stop you, breaking your belongings, harassing you, etc. Look around your house and make a list of "must-keeps". Pick a day that your husband is normally at work. Whatever you do, DO NOT hint or tell him that you have a plan to leave AT ALL. He cannot know. Do NOT tell your kids. You can explain later if needed. Arrange to pick the kids up from school or for them to go to a friend's house after school until you have you and your stuff out. Have boxes ready that will hold your "must-keeps", ask a friend if you can keep them there. If you do not have anyone who will keep them, break them down and hide them somewhere that he normally does not look (under the bed, in a closet, in the garage behind some stuff, etc). Have your packing tape right there with the boxes. When he leaves, have your friends or family come and help you put together the boxes. Start throwing that stuff in there like your are on Supermarket Sweep. Make a list ahead of time as to what will go in each box, and get that stuff in there as fast as you can. If you can afford it, rent a storage unit and put your stuff in there, including any furniture you own. Also get yourself a Uhaul if you can and just start throwing stuff in there. Don't go for pretty, just go for time efficient. Get it in there as fast as you can. Have a safe place to go once you are out. Stay with friends or family, preferably someone who is home most of the day so you won't be alone during this hard time. If you do not have anywhere to stay, look into getting a small temporary living arrangement, even if you just get a hotel room on a weekly rate or a studio apartment that rents month to month. Contact the police and let them know that you want it logged and that you feel you may be in danger. If your husband owns any weapons, let them know what type of weapon and what type of bullets. I know this sounds extreme, but this could be a major key for them should something happen.
Having a plan is the key - stick to your plan.
You will be your kids' hero by doing this.
Also....do not write down or save any info regarding leaving. If you do write it down, do it in a way that does not directly say what it is. Use code words, letters, etc. If you look online for resources, delete your cookies, temporary internet files and browser history.
Do NOT look back....you just go,go,go. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Get you and your kids out. At this point I am sure you know that you are in an unhealthy environment. Do not minimize it. You are living as a victim of domestic violence, and you have the ability and the right to make yourself a SURVIVOR of domestic violence. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. You also have sons I see, boys are more likely to take after their fathers than girls. They are more likely to repeat the abuse, as abuse is passed on from one person to another, and it goes on and on until someone stops it.
Good luck. Feel free to PM me anytime.

 

[micheleq]

and prayers for you and your children. You've gotten great advice here -- esp. THAT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and HE WILL NOT CHANGE. Get out asap for yourself and your children.

 

[tinker&belle]

OP you have been in my thoughts the last few days. Hope all is well for you and please post an update when you get a chance.

 

[tink1969]

OP - My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children. You MUST leave! Your husband has an anger problem and he is taking it all out on you.
For your sake and your children's sake, please leave and go somewhere safe. It will all work out and you and the kids will be much happier.
My mother always said "A leopard never changes it's spots".

 

[DVCJones]

Just wanted to send a great big to you and tell you that I am praying for you and your children.

 

[JboysMom]

To the op, I'm sorry I didn't have time to read the whole thread, but I wanted to say I'll be praying for you. And I hope you get the courage to face your fears of leaving. I know it isn't easy, especially when you are afraid something could happen to one of your children.

 

[amy_225]

Hi again everybody - and thank you for all your support
I made an important step on Monday. I told my husband I need a break for a while -- I didn't tell him I wanted it to be permanent, because I was afraid of his reaction. He has a job an hour away that he has been commuting to, but now he will just stay up there at that job. He fully expects me to move up there with him in February. I don't know how much to tell him, yet. I feel peace about this decision, because it gives me time to get my ducks in a row, find more work, etc. It also gets him to go ahead and get all his stuff out as he is moving to the new place. Of course he has promised to go to a doctor, see if he needs medication, etc. I really just want to be done with the whole thing, and I don't want to give him false hope, but until I have my issues lined out I'm afraid to do anything more permanent. At least he's out of the house, so I feel good about that.
Of course, I know he will call me and bug me to come up and see him, and will probably want to come home on the weekends. I haven't thought too far ahead about how I will handle those situations. Unfortunately I feel as though I am using him because I need him to continue putting money in the bank account until I'm settled. I am not sure how I feel about that right now
Not that he hasn't used me many times, but it doesn't feel right.
Anyway, still overwhelmed with all the thoughts going through my head, and all the decisions I've got to make. Thanks again for thinking about me. I just wanted to update everyone.

 

[Mathfailure]

Okay
I am going to preface this by saying my husband and I are pastors in a church.

Do not do it this way.

Call a shelter and go.

Women and families get killed when they wait around.

I made that blunt and clear, because you are in a crisis and not hearing what is being said to you.

Get out. You will have it rough, but you will find those that will help, and you will be alive, your children will be alive.

Get out.

Women who are in the process of leaving are the most likely to be killed.

 

[Steph9072]

I too was where you are. My first husband started out with verbal abuse that escalted to physical abuse. I too was terrified to leave. I finally left when the fear of staying out weighed the fear of leaving. First thing I did was file for a protective order. I contacted a battered womens shelter, even though I moved back home with Mom & Dad. They were able to connect me with therapist and groups support that I so desperatly needed. Sixteen years, a divorce, and several violations of the portective order later we are both married to other people and he is just a nightmare of my past.

It will not be easy. It will be terrifing to leave. But you have to if. For you & your kids. If your kids are seeing this it can not be healthy for them.

You will be in my prayers.

Take care of you!

 

[AKLBeauty]

Okay
I am going to preface this by saying my husband and I are pastors in a church.

Do not do it this way.

Call a shelter and go.

Women and families get killed when they wait around.

I made that blunt and clear, because you are in a crisis and not hearing what is being said to you.

Get out. You will have it rough, but you will find those that will help, and you will be alive, your children will be alive.

Get out.

Women who are in the process of leaving are the most likely to be killed.

I can not second this enough. This is a wise woman, listen to her, don't become a statistic.

 

[disneymarie]

Hi again everybody - and thank you for all your support
I made an important step on Monday. I told my husband I need a break for a while -- I didn't tell him I wanted it to be permanent, because I was afraid of his reaction. He has a job an hour away that he has been commuting to, but now he will just stay up there at that job. He fully expects me to move up there with him in February. I don't know how much to tell him, yet. I feel peace about this decision, because it gives me time to get my ducks in a row, find more work, etc. It also gets him to go ahead and get all his stuff out as he is moving to the new place. Of course he has promised to go to a doctor, see if he needs medication, etc. I really just want to be done with the whole thing, and I don't want to give him false hope, but until I have my issues lined out I'm afraid to do anything more permanent. At least he's out of the house, so I feel good about that.
Of course, I know he will call me and bug me to come up and see him, and will probably want to come home on the weekends. I haven't thought too far ahead about how I will handle those situations. Unfortunately I feel as though I am using him because I need him to continue putting money in the bank account until I'm settled. I am not sure how I feel about that right now
Not that he hasn't used me many times, but it doesn't feel right.
Anyway, still overwhelmed with all the thoughts going through my head, and all the decisions I've got to make. Thanks again for thinking about me. I just wanted to update everyone.

Please let an experienced pro from the DV center help you get the ducks in a row. You may not know how or which are the most important. A temporary custody order is needed, and PFA, no contact, and make sure you have your own account and money in it.
Change the locks, contact and give the school the temp order.

Let your family know the truth....the PFA is based on the throat incident and a fear for your and the childrens safety. Make sure to express the fear of the safety of the children from threats and temper, language used, actions in front of them.

Document, keep a log, It will be tough and lonely at first, but one thing it will be is like a weight off your chest.
Keep us posted,
Oh maybe let a neighbor know if your porch light goes on during the day to call police, tell the kids to put the light on if fearful of something.
di

 

[The Hendies]

Amy 225 ~ You have no idea how many times this week you have been in my prayers! And obviously, the thoughts and prayers of many others. I am not in your situation, nor have I ever been in a similar situation, but my heart aches for you. Several professionals (Counselors, Pastors, as well as those who have been in your situation) have reached out here with advise and love. Please take their advise and get out NOW. No warnings, no looking back, accept no promises from him. We on the DIS will always be here for you!