I'm getting so tired of fighting.....

[amy_225]

for something I don't know is worth it anymore. I'm talking about my marriage of almost 20 years. I married young (18) and had our first child when I was 22. My husband was always jealous and controlling, but over the years he started getting more and more verbally abusive to me. It's gotten to where I don't talk about much more than weather with him, simply because I don't want the kids to hear the filth that spews from his mouth. It's never anything I can put a finger on that sets him off -- I usually don't have a clue what I said or did. As an example, last weekend we had to go pick up a bed I bought for my 10 year old who's getting too big for his other bed. He didn't want to take the time out of his day to pick it up - he had better things to do, I guess. I pressed the issue because we really needed to get it - the people I'd bought it from were moving and needed it out of their house. Suddenly, I became a ***** who was obviously cheating on him, had probably been raised by pedophiles as parents (who by the way he had always hated), and I was a fat pig who needed to lose weight.
After a few hours he was sorry for everything he'd said, and he just expects me to pick up where we were and act as thought it never happened. He doesn't understand why I've become so "cold" in the bedroom, don't I love him anymore? Honestly, I don't think I do. Thankfully I've been able to shield the kids from a lot of it ...but not all. Now that my oldest is 15, he begs me to leave his dad. He can see how bad he treats me. All of the kids hide from him when he comes home from work.
I NEED to leave. I WANT to leave. But I feel so trapped. He has threatened to burn down the house if I ever make him leave. I have only a part time job (trying to find full time, but with the economy it's been hard). Our mortgage is hefty, and so are all our bills and car payments. He swears up and down that if I leave he will rot in jail before he'll pay me a dime. He says he will quit his job and risk being arrested, because if he's in jail I won't be getting any money from him anyway. I don't know what to do. My parents are older and can't help me out much. My mom planned on us taking a trip with her to DW in December, but now I don't think I need to spend any extra money, just try to get out of my situation.
I don't know why I wrote this here, I just needed to vent. I know inevitably people will ask how I put up with it, but it's one of those things that unless you're in that situation you just can't understand how hard it is. Plus, I feel so beat down and worthless right now, I doubt I'd even make a good job candidate. How do I get my self-esteem back so I can grow a backbone and leave him once and for all?
BTW - just like every abuser out there, when he's not abusing he's very loving. There's no middle ground with this man.

 

[duffy]

I'm very sorry that you're in this situation. Unfortunately, I have no help to give you, other than to say, if it makes you feel better, then vent away!!

 

[MariDisney]

Hugs to you. I know firsthand how it is to be in that kind of situation. I know this may sound harsh, and I'm sorry. But, the way to do it is to do it. In my situation, I decided enough was enough. I made my move and knew I'd deal with the consequences. In my case, my ex DH was blowing smoke and didn't do anything stupid. So, my adivice is on Monday forget about your self esteem. Forget about being beaten down. Stand up tall and go out there putting your best foot forward. Be charming and happy. Let everyone who meets you be surprised that things are bad for you. You will get a job. But, YOU have to make it happen (at least part of it anyway). Sock away every penny you can. Sell your expensive car and get one with little or no payment. Move into a cheap apartment with your kids. Do whatever you have to do. There's never a better time than now to do this. There's never going to be a day where you DH says he's wrong or that the two of you should split. He's somehow thriving off the situation and you have to stop that from happening.

Hang in there, and good luck!

 

[kpgriswold]

I'm a former social worker who has helped many women leave painful situations like yours. Please feel free to PM me if you wish.

It IS hard to leave when you feel trapped and worthless. But when even your kids recognize that you need to leave, you NEED to leave!

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children. You are NOT protecting them as much as you think you are, and they see way more than you know. Ask yourself: do you want them to grow up and be abused by a spouse? Do you your little girls to be treated the way you are? Do you want your sons to be just like their dad? Because this is what they are learning from your husband. And you are showing them that it is OK.

Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) to get some concrete information about how to leave and what resources are available to you.

You are braver and stronger than you think, and you CAN do this.

 

[chrisw127]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your husband may say he doesn't mind going to jail, but I think deep down you know this: He's all talk. No one wants to lose their freedom. He's afraid of losing control over you and will say just about anything to keep you in your place. Most states have some sort of legal services for women who are abused and have very little income; not only can they provide you with a protective order, should you feel you need one, but some will even handle your divorce for little for no fee.

I know right now you probably don't feel like it, but you are still very young. You can start over. You have your whole life before you. Right now, you might not even know what a normal life feels like you're so used to being abused. Give yourself that opportunity. You and your children deserve it.

Take care.

 

[snookiedoodles]

 

[The Hendies]

Please talk to someone within the next 24 hours... clergy, someone form a woman's shelter, the 800 number for battered women, SOMEONE! You ARE abused. And you certaily don't want your boys to learn how to treat a woman from this man, and you don't want your girls to learn how a man should treat a woman. PLEASE, find the strength. I'll be praying for you!

 

[tomthebarncat]

Are you and the children better off without him or with him? I am going thru what has turned out to be the lowest point in my life, nasty, ugly divorce. I am at the point of constant anxiety attacks and always feel ill. My spouse doesn't even live in the same country but his nasty behaviour continues thru email and the telephone. My best friend is a marriage counselor and her unofficial advice was that simple question. My immigration where I live is tied to my spouse, so I also have a lot at stake in staying married. But honestly my answer to this question is that I am better off without him. My marriage has turned me into a neurotic mess of a person I really do feel your pain and wish you all the best in making this very painful decision. Just be prepared if you do leave for it to go to a point that was never imaginable I certainly never thought it could get this bad but it has and will only get worse before it is all over.

 

[amy_225]

Thank you all for your kind answers and support. I am really, really scared about what to do. I am calling someone on Monday to find out my options. What is scariest to me is that he is escalating. Mostly he's just talk, but recently he grabbed me around the neck and lifted me up off the floor for several seconds, which is where I think my turning point came in my thinking. I guess the verbal stuff I thought I should just have to live with - he does have blood sugar issues and other health issues and I took that whole "in sickness or health" thing seriously. My mom told me it was his physical condition playing a role in his behavior and I needed to just feed him more often. Granted, I never have told her the full extent of the behavior because I don't want her to worry. But I can also see that he hides this behavior in front of all his friends and people he respects, so I know he has some control over it. You want to know the scariest part? He is best buddies with all the cops in our small town. Yep, they hang out in his garage, go ice fishing and hunting with him, etc. Makes me feel real safe if I get a restraining order and try to start over without him.
I got brave last night and told him I thought we needed to separate for a little while until he can control his temper. I don't think he takes me seriously because I've always stayed. But needless to say, this morning he's being all sweet, fixing my sink that's been broken for months (that he never has time to fix, just like getting the bed), asking me if I want to go out to breakfast with him. Of course I said I'm not feeling well - and I'm not! Now that I'm getting down to the wire on making a decision like this, I'm having stomach cramps and dizziness. But when I think about everything involved in leaving I just get so tired I want to go to bed and sleep. I KNOW that when I tell him I'm serious he's going to get so angry and try to retaliate in some way. Plus, I'm terrified a judge will give him unsupervised visitation. Honestly, I would not put it past this man to do something to one of the kids as retaliation. Or, he could run with them (he's threatened that, too). I think my 15 year old would definitely put up a fight, but he's not as strong as his dad for sure.
Anyway, I am going to make some calls tomorrow when he's at work....considering having a restraining order in place before the end of the day, but so, so scared.

 

[DisneyFed]

Mostly he's just talk, but recently he grabbed me around the neck and lifted me up off the floor for several seconds

I mean this very seriously....it is time for you to visit your local Police Department and speak with the Victim/Witness Coordinator and get them involved...

Listen to this and do it without delay....

I'm saying this with 18 years of Law Enforcement experience to back it up...

It will not stop, it will not get better, it will not stop.......unless you do something.

Do it, do it now....it's time for you to act---for yourself and your children.

 

[duffy]

I just wanted to add, that my sister was in an abusive relationship and she left him over a year ago. Yes, she moved from her own house to a tiny apartment over a garage. But now she has a job and is definitely happier.

She and I are taking her 2 kids and my youngest to WDW after Thanksgiving. Every time I talk to Disney and they ask if we're celebrating anything, I say, "well, my sister is no longer in an abusive relationship, does that count?"

Unfortunately, no, but I think that it should!!

 

[honugirl]

Talk to someone ASAP who is experienced in domestic violence. Get your ducks in a row as fast as you can and go. Good luck. Some friends of mine are rebuilding after being in a DV situation and I see what they've gone through. It's tough, but if they can make it, so can you.

Oh yeah, get to a support group for people who've been through DV. They really do help.

 

[JUJU814]

Do NOT delay..please! Next time he lifts you up by your neck like that he could kill you. Then what? Don't think there won't be a next time..there will.

Please don't delay...even another day, in getting help.

Don't believe he's "all talk". I am a nurse and worked with another nurse that used to say that all the time about her abusive boyfriend..that he was "all talk" and more bark than bite. She finally got a restraining order...but was foolish to think she could go back to get her stuff without a police escort. One night, while passing my meds, all the patients tv's were on and we looked up and there was her picture..she had been murdered by him that night when she went back to get stuff..(without the police)..it happened right in front of her two children.

What you are choosing to share here in this thread is extremely extremely serious stuff. Please heed the advice given and get yourself into a safe situation. Your children are in a VERY unsafe situation, so if not for yourself, then do it to protect them.

Get to a women's and children's shelter and into counseling..now, before it's too late.

 

[barnaby1]

Well done for finding the courage to deal with this. You have some very difficult times ahead of you but in the end you will definitely be better off. Right now (after the throat) experience I think you are actually in danger. Work out your plan and execute that plan while he is out of the house and will not return for some time (at work etc). I would not give him further warning about leaving: just do it. It sounds as though he has the sort of temper that will turn very badly when he realises you are serious about going and that he has lost his power over you. Do not feel you owe him any explaination about going either. Do not put yourself or your children in danger.

 

[mousebymarriage]

Don't tell him you are going to leave him, just go! If you tell him that you are planning to leave he may try to hurt you as a "warning" or hurt you bad enough that you can't physically leave. They always say they are sorry but, then it happens again and it's usually worse. Your kids are seeing more than you think and they are also afraid, it's time to go, don't live in constant fear or let your kids live in fear.

You are stronger than you think, YOU CAN DO IT!!

 

[CANDICE]

I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. I will be praying for you.

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

DO NOT tell him that you are leaving. GO! Now is the time. What if you tell him you're leaving, and he gets angry and puts his hands on one of your kids? (God forbid.) Will you ever forgive yourself for not leaving? Do you have a close friend who can help you move when he is out at work or somewhere else? Find a shelter, and GO! It may be scary...but you can do it!

Years ago, there was a thread similar to yours. I believe the screen name of the main woman was "MulansWarrior" or something similar...your story is so similar to hers. I wish you the best!!!!! You can do it! Come to us for support any time!!!

P.S. I would definitely get out of your area.

 

[MinnieTink]

I really don't have any advice. After reading your posts, I am afraid for you. I will pray that you find your strength. Best of luck to you.

 

[tinker&belle]

Don't tell him you are leaving. He might get really mad and could kill you if he has already escalated enough to pick you up by your neck.

Go to a woman's shelter. I am strong believer in marriage vows. My religion is EXTREMELY conservative when a divorce is appropriate and this is one of the times it is encouraged.

Pack your bags, take your boys. The rest will work itself out.

 

[Willow25]

Sending you a big hug!!!

Please listen to the advice on this board!!! Get HELP TODAY!