I'm At My Wits End... What Should I Do? Overbearing Friend Strikes Again...

[AKL_Megs]

I posted before about my annoying neighbor/friend.

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2471539&highlight=friend

I really don't know what to do anymore.

I've tried the whole, "We're doing an alone day," or, "Today isn't a good day." Doesn't work. I've tried just ignoring her. Nope, doesn't work.

NOW, she's gotten to the point where she will COME DOWN to our house to see if she can get me that way.

She calls me ALL day, EVERY day, and wants me to hang out with her at all times if I am home. I'm not kidding. I have to live in a dungeon and keep everything closed, or else she knows I am home.

It's getting WORSE. Today was the last straw.

I am on vacation, and she knows this. Today, she texted first thing at 9am to tell me that she got off of work early and would be available all day. She texted again at 11am when I hadn't gotten back with her, wanting to know why I was ignoring her.

Around noon, I texted her back, telling her I would come down there when my husband left for work around 4pm.

Around 3pm, we hear a pounding on the front door. There she is. She is there to inform me that she is off to the bank, and will be back to pick me up in an hour. I tell her I will be down like I said, when my husband leaves.

Around 4:15pm, I get a text that says, "I still don't see Megs walking this way..."

I left around 6pm because she had plans with her sister, but then JUST NOW (stupid me, I left the front curtains open and the light on), she comes knocking on my door, wanting to know if I want to come down for a nightcap with her and her sister. I told her I wasn't feeling well, and she just would not accept that.

She just won't leave me alone.

I want to be her friend, we totally mesh and have fun, but she is just so unbearable if she isn't getting your attention. And now that she just stops by unanounced, something needs to be done. I feel like I am always being watched. I feel like I have no privacy. When she drives by and sees I am home, I can expect a text within seconds.

What in the world do I do?

 

[Disneyland1084]

It would drive me CRAZY if I was in your situation. I'm sorry you're going through this. The only thing I can think of that you should do is have a heart to heart talk with her. Tell her that you care about her and want to be friends, but that you need your space. I hope things work out.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Let your true feelings show. Release. Be grumpy. Tell her if you don't get your "me" time you aren't very good company. And tell her you need a lot! If you are grumpy enough she will get the hint.

I think you are too nice. And maybe not firm enough. She sounds really persistent. And used to getting her way. But grumpy will trump that. Release the person she doesn't want to be around now and then (when she is super persistent). She'll either understand or wonder, "What's her problem?", from time to time. But either way, she'll ease up on the invites.

Does she strike you as an "all or nothing" type of friend? I mean, do everything together or do nothing type? If so, there may not be a happy medium. Even if you think she's great. You need your space.

 

[AKL_Megs]

Let your true feelings show. Release. Be grumpy. Tell her if you don't get your "me" time you aren't very good company. And tell her you need a lot! If you are grumpy enough she will get the hint.

I think you are too nice. And maybe not firm enough. She sounds really persistent. And used to getting her way. But grumpy will trump that. Release the person she doesn't want to be around now and then (when she is super persistent). She'll either understand or wonder, "What's her problem?", from time to time. But either way, she'll ease up on the invites.

Does she strike you as an "all or nothing" type of friend? I mean, do everything together or do nothing type? If so, there may not be a happy medium. Even if you think she's great. You need your space.

I'll tell you what, I was pretty grumpy when she showed up at 11:30 tonight begging for my attention. I think she got the hint, because she didn't try again.

I think she takes it personal, and I think she is lonely. She confided in me that she is really glad that we live so close and get along so well, because she doesn't have a lot of friends who she can just hang out with. (*cough* I wonder why... ) That's fine and all, but I need space. I don't think she comprehends what that means.

 

[cm8]

I'll tell you what, I was pretty grumpy when she showed up at 11:30 tonight begging for my attention. I think she got the hint, because she didn't try again.

I think she takes it personal, and I think she is lonely. She confided in me that she is really glad that we live so close and get along so well, because she doesn't have a lot of friends who she can just hang out with. (*cough* I wonder why... ) That's fine and all, but I need space. I don't think she comprehends what that means.

Just print what you have wrote here on the dis and mail it to her, I think that she will get the picture ,,

 

[Wishing on a star]

I'm sorry that I don't have better advice....
But, seriously, you take a lot more than I ever could.
If it is as bad as you describe, I would be thinking to end the whole friendship. I need a LOT of personal space.

PS: This doesn't sound like somebody who is just overly friendly or just doesn't see other peoples boundaries all the time. She almost sounds psychologically/emotionally 'off', needy, etc..... Is she almost looking to you to be responsible for her happiness and well being?


PS: a funny story about me and my personal space... My son has a best buddy that lives a block away. Especially with school out for the summer, they hang out together all the time. He is a great kid... but he does have some issues with ADHD, and is very immature for their age. (12, almost 13) He want's to just walk in the house, walk right up to me while I am doing something. He is a kid who is kind of 'in your face'... and he want's me to engage him, A LOT.... My son knows that when his friend is here, that he is to be spending time with him and keeping him out of my face.... if my son looks up and see's that his friend is not right there with him, and hears me calling out my son's name... he come's a running to distract and divert.

So, here my 12 year old son is telling his friend "My mom likes her personal space....."

 

[MIGrandma]

If it were me, I would either end the friendship and tell her exactly why.

Or if I truly liked her, but just wanted her to stop being so pushy, I would sit her down to have a heart-to-heart talk with her and tell her she has to stop. Then if she stops, the friendship could continue, but if she didn't stop I would end it.

To me, she sounds pretty creepy!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, I hate to word it that way.... but almost kind of creepy...

Almost more than just annoying, but like stalking!

 

[WDSearcher]

Turn it around on her.

It'll be a sacrifice for you for a couple of days, but I wonder if it would work to totally mirror to her what she's doing to you.

First thing in the AM -- 7am -- text her. "Want to come over for coffee?" If she doesn't answer, text again at 7:15. Keep going until you get a response. Start calling all the time. Knock on her door every chance you get. Spend a day or two constantly and consistently engaging her. Invite her EVERYWHERE, from food shopping to taking out the trash. ("Taking out the trash ... come say hi!") Grab her before she can grab you. Overdo it. If she says, "I'll be over in ten minutes," text her at nine minutes with, "Where are you?" When she goes to leave, ask her when she'll be there again.

Turn it around on her and use that as a very interactive example of what she's doing to you. I know it seems like you'd be giving her exactly what she wants, but I think she'll find that it's not as much fun coming back the other way. She may not even realize how often she's trying to contact you.

I'd do it just for the entertainment factor!

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Do you happen to live on Ft. Hood...Cuasse I SWEAR you just discribed my neighbors to a T!

We affectionately call them "The Crazies". They were ALWAYS at our house and everyone else's as well. My husband and I are smokers and we smoke on our front porch. Well whenever WE or another neighbor is outside it is like OPEN SEASON for them to come over.

Their kids are monsters and I swear that when someone thought of the Jerry Spinger show...it was because they knew them.

LOL...good luck...we were just straight up with "The Crazies"...we told them we just plain didn't like them and they leave us alone...Although now I am the subject of her gossip...but I'm not a person who is bothered by that.

 

[JessicaR]

You said you enjoy her company and want to remain friends. So, I would lay the cards on the table and be honest with her. Tell her you dont have the same amount of free time that she seems to have. Blame it on your husband to soften the blow - tell her he requires your time as well and when you say AFTER he leaves she has to respect that. I had a childhood friend just like this.

If you are honest with her I bet she appreciates saving the friendship from being severed.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well, I think using some honesty is in order here. Seriously you tell her "not today" and she ignores you?

I guess if someone did that I probably would be point blank in their face and say that we have a problem with our friendship. I would be nice about it, but serious at the same time.

Then I would go on to explain the "rules" and if she did not agree with them then I would explain we would need to cool it for awhile.

Keeping your blinds drawn and the other stuff you mentioned would be unacceptable for me.

 

[scrapbookworm]

That would drive me insane. I need huge amounts of personal space. I wouldn't even want close family members doing that. Of course, I'm an introvert, and long hours of socializing leave me mentally and physically exhausted!

I like WDSearcher's idea, but I think that they she would be dancing a jig that you want to spend so much time with her. I don't think that she would get it that you trying to teach her a lesson.

The best thing to do is to just level with her. Tell her that you don't have as much free time, and you need more down time without socializing to relax.

 

[nealymouse]

I had a new friend like this. It ended on a bad note. It was the week after Easter and and my parents we not able to make it down for Easter dinner so we made plans for the following weekend. I didnt get to see then but a few times a yr and had forgot about plans I made with my pushy new friend.

When pushy friend called to remind me of our plans I told her I was so sorry but my parents were coming for dinner and I could not go with her. Well all hell broke loose and she just lost it and told me it was "her" time with me and that my parents needed to wait etc etc. at that point I realized how out of control this person was and was not understanding that my parents came 1st and that new pushy friend I saw a few times a week had to wait and said im sorry but the friendship was over.

She tried for several weeks to be my friend again but looking back she was just like your friend you are describing in your post. Would NOT take NO for an answer show up at all hrs of the day even if I said I was busy. It was so draining on me. If we didnt do things her way then it wasnt the right way. if we didnt do things when she wanted then we didnt do anything. if we didnt eat her brand of meat then it was no good.

RUN......... while you still can heheheh

 

[dakcp2001]

Attention: You have a stage 4 clinger!!! SHake her loose!

I had a friend like that. It started off like you describe and went downhill from there. I would park a block away and shut all the blinds & keep the tv down low. Then after she knocked she would sit on my steps to wait for me. And while sitting on my steps she would call & call so Id b e sitting there inside my home hiding while the phone constantly rang. I realized this was not normal.

It got to the point where she started calling other places looking for me. My phone would ring, then my cell phone, then my best friends cell phone, then she would calll my job. I almost lost my job because she kept showing up & calling so much. She would even drive by my work, my best friends, my parents and then knock on the door and be like "Hi" like it was totally normal.

Cut this person loose. It is nearly impossible (trust me, you have to be direct & you will have to be mean hinting doesnt sink in with these people)There is a reason she is stalking you, it is because she has no other friends. There is a reason she has no other friends.Once you finally shake her she will mov e on to the next person and do the same thing.

It was so nice to be rid of her. To feel FREEEEEEE. lol. I still hide if I see her at the market.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Turn it around on her.

It'll be a sacrifice for you for a couple of days, but I wonder if it would work to totally mirror to her what she's doing to you.

First thing in the AM -- 7am -- text her. "Want to come over for coffee?" If she doesn't answer, text again at 7:15. Keep going until you get a response. Start calling all the time. Knock on her door every chance you get. Spend a day or two constantly and consistently engaging her. Invite her EVERYWHERE, from food shopping to taking out the trash. ("Taking out the trash ... come say hi!") Grab her before she can grab you. Overdo it. If she says, "I'll be over in ten minutes," text her at nine minutes with, "Where are you?" When she goes to leave, ask her when she'll be there again.

Turn it around on her and use that as a very interactive example of what she's doing to you. I know it seems like you'd be giving her exactly what she wants, but I think she'll find that it's not as much fun coming back the other way. She may not even realize how often she's trying to contact you.

I'd do it just for the entertainment factor!

And of course this all needs to be videotaped for our amusement.

I had a friend like this, but she had other issues as well (bi-polar). I finally had enough and ripped into her big time. Now, without going into detail, we worked together, so it was hard to get away from her and let's just say some of the stuff she was up to made headlines in the NY Daily News frequently. (Not that I was aware of it at the time, it was when the news broke that I found out). I told her outright she was a stalker and had major issues and needed to leave me alone. When a friend demands more time than your 6 year old child, and expects it, it's time to cut them loose.

 

[DisTeach1]

I'm sorry, but I guess I don't see the problem and I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. I would never turn my house into a "dungeon" or draw my drapes, or do anything that makes me a victim in this situation, like you are doing.

If you don't want to be friends with her, then don't. I have had a neighbor similar to this who wanted to be friends with her. I finally got blunt and said, "Look I'm not inviting you over for a pool party, I'm not going to go walking, etc. etc. because "I just don't want too!"

If your neighbor texts and says "Why haven't I hear from you, why haven't you texted me back, etc." Just say, "because I don't want too, period."

I guess I'm blunt, but it's better than hiding and drawing curtains.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I would never turn my house into a "dungeon" or draw my drapes, or do anything that makes me a victim in this situation, like you are doing.

I guess I'm blunt, but it's better than hiding and drawing curtains.

Yes, but unfortunately, many people just will do anything to avoid confrontation, and having to be the-bad-guy and hurt someone's feelings.

This is EXACTLY the type of person that these 'stalkers' latch on to.
(same concept of bullies choosing their targets)

I really do not think that this neighbor's behaviors are normal.
I think I would have to end it now, before it got any worse....

Ohhhh man, I am having visions of like a stalker/neighbor horror movie....

 

[scrapbookworm]

I'm sorry, but I guess I don't see the problem and I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. I would never turn my house into a "dungeon" or draw my drapes, or do anything that makes me a victim in this situation, like you are doing.

If you don't want to be friends with her, then don't. I have had a neighbor similar to this who wanted to be friends with her. I finally got blunt and said, "Look I'm not inviting you over for a pool party, I'm not going to go walking, etc. etc. because "I just don't want too!"

If your neighbor texts and says "Why haven't I hear from you, why haven't you texted me back, etc." Just say, "because I don't want too, period."

I guess I'm blunt, but it's better than hiding and drawing curtains.

But this person is taking it to a whole new level. It is beyond friendship. She's borderline stalking her if she is pounding her with text msgs as soon as she sees her. This is why she is asking for advice. Some people are not as blunt and forceful. We expect grown adults to know where the boundaries are- we shouldn't have to draw them. We shouldn't have to explain to other adults why I don't want to go shopping today, etc. Much like when my SIL ignored her kids when they were at our house. I shouldn't have to parent her kids (pouring powder candy in my carpet, and no SIL didn't offer to clean up- that's just one example).

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Now I'm going to use my DIS education to provide a theory -- is it possible she has Asperbergers? Apparently being unable to read cues is a common trait (at least that's what I've heard on this DIS.)