If you were dating (1 year) living together (5 months)...

[sbtrfly74]

I'd def. give it much more time. 1 year isnt much these days, people are getting married older than they use to.

True story....

I was in the beginning of my separation when I met back up with the love of my life (for me, not him at the time we were best friends in hs we dated 1 week).

We clicked immediately though I had zero plans on dating for at least a few years but I didnt want to loose him. We moved in together after 5 or 6 months and all he talked about was marriage (would be his first at 28).

Fast forward two years and a long drawn out divorce my ex-DH passed from cancer before it was finalized. Then I didnt hear anything more about getting married for four years. Id bring it up occasionally and once said if your not interested please let me know so I can stop looking forward to it. Still nothing.

I watched an episode of Oprah about "he's just not that into you" and ran out and bought the book. I bookmarked 3 chapters that pertained to my situation but accidentally left it out one night (really not intentional) and the next morning he asked me "whats with that book?" I didnt have an answer I just laughed.

That weekend I had a ring on my finger... Mothers Day at IHOP

Either way together now 11 years married 6 and happy, we would prob be divorced if we got married after 1 year lol.

 

[hereyago]

She can still date him, but yes she needs to,move out,she has a kid so that changes things.

 

[Buckalew11]

She can still date him, but yes she needs to,move out,she has a kid so that changes things.

I'd agree with this.

If he's hesitant to get married, why should he? You live there. It's like being married but with no commitment. He's content with that.

Personally, I would not move in with anyone with the hope of getting married someday. I could see if he spoke of it and seemed excited about it but he's been burned before so you know that influences how he feels about being married. If this is nice enough, why would he want to take the risk.
And yeah, with a child, I'd move out on my own. But when it comes to kids and adult relationships, I'm funny like that.

 

[Nolcrest]

This just reminds me of when I was dating my DH. He had asked me to move in w/him. I asked him if he ever planned on marrying me one day. He said yes. I told him I'd move in when I had a wedding ring on my finger.

I was not going to be his housekeeper & cook w/no commitment for the future.

I am not opposed to people living together but I knew for us if I did DH would have been content with that arrangement and it's not what I wanted.

 

[sbtrfly74]

I'd agree with this.

If he's hesitant to get married, why should he? You live there. It's like being married but with no commitment. He's content with that.

Personally, I would not move in with anyone with the hope of getting married someday. I could see if he spoke of it and seemed excited about it but he's been burned before so you know that influences how he feels about being married. If this is nice enough, why would he want to take the risk.
And yeah, with a child, I'd move out on my own. But when it comes to kids and adult relationships, I'm funny like that.

I dont agree, I almost want my kids to move in before marriage just to know what your really getting yourself into. If she is serious enough to want to marry this guy then to me its fine that her kid is involved, not as if shes dating around and seeing which guy her kid likes.

Now if this didn't pan out then I wouldn't move in so fast with someone again with a kid involved even though I did. The prob is that in the beginning men (sig others) are absolutely amazing and I think she should at least take a few years before getting married. The first year is the best, nothing goes majorly wrong usually. Have a few years and a few problems to see how things will really be.

 

[bdcp]

If your goal was marriage, then you shouldn't have moved in with him without a ring and a date. Of course, I'm someone who doesn't believe in living together and wouldn't do it without a wedding ring. My feeling is, if you're ready to move in together, you're ready to get married.

My DS (27) and his now wife (27) have been married 2 months. They moved in together with the understanding that marriage is where it was going. Two years from first date til wedding.

Ultimatums can backfire, but I think they really give you the unvarnished truth also. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't think you're worth marrying.

Some people don't get it, but plenty of marriages work out great without ever living together. You do not need to test drive a relationship by living together before marriage. It's all about commitment. Especially when there are kids involved, it's not fair to them. Parents need to put their kids ahead of their own needs before they commit to someone.

Living together doesn't necessarily tell you everything about someone. Someone who wants to hide stuff about themselves can do it whether you live together or not. Too many buy into the test drive crap.

 

[mhsjax]

Why would anyone want to get married. You get to "play house" without any of the real responsibilities. Sorry, but living together is a bad idea, for this reason. I would MOVE OUT.

 

[Kat77]

I'd agree with this.

If he's hesitant to get married, why should he? You live there. It's like being married but with no commitment. He's content with that.

Personally, I would not move in with anyone with the hope of getting married someday. I could see if he spoke of it and seemed excited about it but he's been burned before so you know that influences how he feels about being married. If this is nice enough, why would he want to take the risk.
And yeah, with a child, I'd move out on my own. But when it comes to kids and adult relationships, I'm funny like that.

This!!!

Parents dating is rougher on kids than our culture is willing to admit. Kids are a game changer. They deserve stability. Moving in should not happen until both grown ups are ready to make a serious commitment.

 

[kirstenb1]

This!!!

Parents dating is rougher on kids than our culture is willing to admit.

So agree with this and the preceeding posts. You guys need to talk, although I think he's already offered his opinion. People, both you and him deserve to be in relationships where both people have the same goals.

 

[disykat]

I am what most people would consider conservative and old fashioned about the order in which people do things, but I'm always amazed at how conservative and old fashioned so many DIS women are about the marriage decision. He tells people "He has a plan?" Really? Why would it be a secret from one party? I just don't get the whole proposal thing. Why would a couple not be communicating about this very important decision and have that plan together?

Why on earth is it up to the man to bring marriage? Ask him if he wants to get married and either start planning to do so or know that it's probably not going to happen. Being in a relationship where you are following the whims of the other person would not be for me.

To me, equality means discussing and making decisions together, not one person having a timeline they keep secret while the other waits in the dark.

 

[Alesia]

It's just a personel choice for myself and my son, that's why I asked him from the beginning. I would have never kept dating him if he had answered NO! I'm not in a hurry, but also don't want to invest several years into a relationship if we aren't on the same page.

I hate to say it, but "I'm not saying I don't want to get married again, but I'll know, at the time, if it's right!!" translates to "I might get married again, but it won't be to you."

 

[mckelvey72]

It just depends on what you want. I will give you my story and I am sure some will think I am stupid but here it is.....

I started dating my boyfriend and moved in at 6 months as well....found out I was pregnant shortly after that. I was told I would never have a kid so it was a shock to both of us but that is another story....

He told me that since being divorced twice already he may or may not ever be ready for marriage again. It was my choice to stay or go. Since we were having a kid I decided to stay. We are a blended family as well and have now been together 8 years. I wanted to get re-married but as time went on I just realized that we are "married" and a piece of paper wasn't going to change that so I never pushed him about the issue. We are now talking of getting engaged this year (looking at rings) and getting married in 2015. We are getting ready to start building a house so money is a factor in the wedding. Since we have kids we want to have a wedding and include our family and friends. I never pushed the issue....had I pushed we probably wouldn't be together now. So I was happy in the relationship, everyone is faithful, we raise our kids together, have a great time, I help him in his busi ness etc and our relationship is great....so I decided it wasn't that big of a deal to me.

So I would say if you love him, you both are faithful and the relationship is good, then maybe give it some time. If it a deal breaker for you, then have that discussion.

First off, I thought you said "married again" for him....one failure is going to hold him back some. Second, you are older and the kids are already here so he probably doesn't see a rush. Third, it has only been a year.....and Lastly, maybe he is planning something.......

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Since you have kids, this discussion should have happened before you all moved n together not after. I cannot imagine uprooting my child to move in with a guy after only 6 months together before we even discussed the future or a commitment was made. you need to have that conversation now.

 

[luvmylittleboy2003]

Thanks everyone for all the great feedback!!! I have tried recently (couple weeks ago) to revisit the topic. I mentioned a story about my friend (who had flown in from TX) and how her and her husband met and got married, etc!! When I brought up 'us' and where we stood he said 'he couldn't afford a ring right now due to bankruptcy' and 'its only been a year'. I just played it off as no big deal, but I guess it's been eating at me more than I realized

 

[mrsklamc]

I'm confused...if marriage was so important to you why did you get involved with someone who made it clear it might never be important to him?

If there is a 'plan' then YOU need to know what it is, because you are responsible for a six year old. Moms don't have the luxury of letting their boyfriends play cutesy little games with what the plan is.

 

[kathie859]

I'm confused...if marriage was so important to you why did you get involved with someone who made it clear it might never be important to him?

If there is a 'plan' then YOU need to know what it is, because you are responsible for a six year old. Moms don't have the luxury of letting their boyfriends play cutesy little games with what the plan is.

THIS!!! Why would you allow this man to become a surrogate father for your son when he won't commit to you? This is probably an unpopular thought, but why do so many women sell themselves short and move in with someone so quickly? We'll wash their clothes, fix meals, clean their houses, parent THEIR children all without the benefit of marriage. I just don't get it.

 

[NHdisneylover]

It sounds to ME as if you have basically created a new family and new home for your son at this point. Your son is far to young to see your boyfriend differently over a marriage happening, so it will not really help your son to have that occur.

IF everything else is good, and your only issue is this, I think it is cruel to your son to have created this family for him and then accuse to to fall apart because you are pushing getting married AFTER you have already put your son into living with a new father figure, etc.

If there are other serious reason why you feel you need to end this, then okay (though then WHY even consider marrying the guy if there are such serous reason). If not, for the sake of your little boy, BACK OFF, so that you don't push your boyfriend away and have your young son live through yet another crumbling relationship and unstable home life.

Personally, I always tell my kids (teens) that when they are older i hope that they never consider making a lifetime commitment to someone without being together a MINIMUM of a year--it takes that long to have the "infatuation stage" end and start seeing if you do well together long term. I think two years is more reasonable. So, to have been pushing this issue from 5 months, and be worried that he is not ready to marry after only a year seems a little too fast and possibly immature thinking about love and longevity and what relationships are built on, to me.

My husband and I have been married 17 years. We dated four and a half years first, and were only engaged for the last 13 months of that. We were "headed that way" for a long time--but needed to be really firm and sure and I think that worked well for us. I've never doubted, even for a moment, our marriage or wondered "what if" or wished we had done something differently early on.

You are talking about a lifetime commitment to each other AND a long term commitment to your little boy, from someone who has had a failed commitment in the past (and one presumes that you might have had one as well, given your son). WHY would you want to rush into that or try to fore someone into that when they are not 100% ready?

 

[Aliceacc]

I moved in @ 6 months, we've been dating a year total. He said he wasn't saying he didn't want to get married again, but that he would know, at the time, if it was right!!

It sounds to me as though you have your answer... IF it's ever right, he'll let you know. Since he hasn't, you can assume that it's not yet "right." And, to be fair, apparently he said this before you chose to move in together. So, while you're saying that marriage is very important, your actions seem to indicate otherwise.

You, of course, have more than just yourself to consider. Keep an eye on the big picture... the more time that little boy spends in that houae, the greater the loss if your boyfriend decides that the time will never be right.

Your boyfriend is NOT the one sending the mixed message; his is fairly clear. You, on the other hand, SAY you value marriage, but move in together anyway. I don't blame your boyfriend for being confused about the priority you claim to place on marriage.

 

[Skywalker]

When I brought up 'us' and where we stood he said 'he couldn't afford a ring right now due to bankruptcy' and 'its only been a year'. I just played it off as no big deal, but I guess it's been eating at me more than I realized

"Its only been a year" wow this from a guy who was ready to move in at five months? I guess he was fine with that rushed timeline because it was something he wanted. Marriage I guess, not so much.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it...