If you don't get along with your in-laws...

[amid chaos]

I'm sure if you live in the NY/NJ metropolitan area then you've heard about me. My inlaws would never say anything directly to me (and for that I respect them), but she can't keep her mouth shut about me and our business once she goes home.
We have stopped sharing our lives with them because it doesnt stop with them...all their friends, aquaintances and strangers at the gas station know about our lives.
The weather is the perfect topic for us. We see them every few months when they come to visit. It's been 30 years since I started dating DH and things can still be strained. oh well. At least DH and I are on the same side of the fence.

 

[MerryPoppins]

My in-laws used to hurt me deeply. They are beyond controling and very manipulative. I could write a book, but I won't bore you with the details.

DH would admit it. He even got frustrated by it. But he just let it roll off his back like water off a duck. He couldn't understand why I'd let them make me cry. He said I should stand up to them and that I should be able to let go of the things they did, but he admitted that if my parents did the same things to him he couldn't forget about it.

Finally, one day I snapped. His mother came to my house to tell me what was wrong with me. She made a verbal list of all the things I should change. I'm not kidding. And I lost it. I told her that I'd be willing to work on my list when she started working on hers. So I proceeded to tell her all the ways she needed to change. I wish I'd had a camera. You should have seen the look on her face, because she thought she was perfect. And she swore she'd never come to our house again unless we invited her. When I closed the door behind her I remember thinking that'd be a cold day in hell. BTW, she's been back and no, I've never invited her.

When DH heard what she had done and all the things she had said, he called them. I listened. He told them that if they were trying to make him draw up sides and choose between his family and his parents, it was not a good idea. They would NOT like his choice, because he would choose his wife and children. Things changed that day. We go up there to visit at least once a month. She no longer trys to manipulate as much as before. We are friendly and I love them. Do I like them? Not very much, but that's okay. They are my children's grandparents and my husband's parents. I just grit my teeth and get through it. I know now that they love me too. They just may not like me very much.

So my answer to you? I think part of it has to come from your attitude. See them for what they are. Be willing to stand up for yourself, but don't bring up subjects that you know will cause friction. If they start, say "oops, I don't think we need to go there" and change the subject. If they insist on cutting you down, don't be afraid to stand up to them. I took an assertiveness training class. It really helped me learn to speak up to them when they were being hateful. Let you DH go to visit them once in a while without you. I've done that too when I just didn't feel like dealing with them, but I go often enough that they can't whine that I don't care enough to come visit them. Unfortunately, it may come to a point that your DH has to finally get to the place where he draws the line. Good luck.

 

[horseshowmom]

I prefer not to spend time with my MIL. The most diplomatic way I can put it is that she's very manipulative but with a velvet glove (so it's not quite so noticeable or heavy handed).

As my DH puts it, she makes up her mind about something and is determined it's going to be her way - one way or another - and says things that it's not necessary to say (of course, she only does it because she loves everybody so much - yes, I'm being a little sarcastic).

I won't go into a lot of details, but there are major family issues involved and I'm justified in how I feel (and while my DD loves her grandmother, she prefers not to spend much time with her either for the same reasons), and DH agrees that we're right (so does his sister, by the way).

HOWEVER, they are DH's parents, and I encourage him to see them as often as possible. His dad calls constantly (hasn't got much else to do, so he calls everybody one after another), so DH talks to him a lot, but I also encourage DH to call and talk to his mother (along with visiting regularly).

Do I go with him? No, I don't (only for things like Christmas, etc.). On the rare occasion I do go, MIL goes on and on about how much they miss me and wish I would come more often, etc., etc., etc. (which annoys me, and she knows it, but see, she's demonstrating how much she loves us). She knows perfectly well why I don't come (goodness knows we tried for enough years to talk to her). She's tried to manipulate DD enough that now she doesn't want to go either (even though I encourage her to do so).

Nonetheless, DH needs to see them as much as possible, because they're getting older and will be gone one day, and I encourage him in that.

 

[laura001]

how do you make your marriage work? Dh's parents and myself have had a very rocky relationship over the last few years. We had a big blow up a few years ago, but have basically called a truce for the sake of dh.

However, I find myself annoyed every time I speak with them or spend even a little amount of time with them. Basically, we have very different views of the world, different priorities, different lifestlyes, different - well - everything. That would be fine, except for the fact that I'm considered immature because I don't share their views. I now just bite my tongue and say nothing since there's no point in saying anything anymore.

My question is this: how do dh and I not allow this issue to impact our marriage? He admits his parents are difficult, but they are his parents. I need to respect it. Is the only solution for me to continue biting my tongue and never complaining about them? We see them about once a month and dh talks to them once a week.

I'm curious to hear how others have dealt with this issue. Thank you.

To make a long story short, my DH comes from a family that has very strong religious views ( i am a christian also) that have them think they can walk all over their wives etc. My MIL was divorced about 44 years ago and yet still condones this behaviour. Anyway, we had terrible problems for years in our marriage because of MIL's involvement (I was always a wreck) and it took until I was ready to disolve our marriage etc a few years ago because of DH's treatment of me, which was obviously inherited from MIL etc. We went through 2 and a half years of counseling to "fix" us.

Prior to that I had no support from DH regarding my relationship with MIL and family, I was basicallly told to accept it. BUT now, even though we still see them etc. he knows how they make me feel, recognizes the behaviour in them, but he is completely supportive of me while we are there. He makes sure that he sits near me, he will hold my hand, rub my leg or back in affection, ask me if there is anything I need etc etc etc.

Long story short - DH recognizes how if affects me, I realize he/we and our children need to have family contact/relationship, I keep most of my opinions to myself, and he shows me the utmost respect and support you can imagine.

Hope this helps!

 

[willis37862]

As my DH puts it, she makes up her mind about something and is determined it's going to be her way - one way or another - and says things that it's not necessary to say (of course, she only does it because she loves everybody so much - yes, I'm being a little sarcastic).

That sounds just like my MIL. She LOVES to say little nasty things to people and then pretends to not understand why they are upset at her. But lord help you if you say anything she doesn't like. She can dish it but she can't take it.

I don't know how they could be my DH's parents. I am so gald he isn't like them. I get so tired of their jokes that are always at my expense. If I have to hear about being a redneck one more time, because according to them all people from the south are cousin marrying, toothless, uneducated, outhouse using hillbillies. That makes me so mad. I have more manners than them all put together. And yes I have all my own teeth!

To make sure that I never think I matter to them my MIL can't remember anything about me. After four years of doing the same job she still doesn't know what I do for a living. Come on. She makes comments about my family, which there is no call for as they don't even have contact so my parents can't have offended them.

We were married less than a year and my MIL wanted to send us a crib.(and we had no intention of having kids our first year of marriage) Then she told me that she wanted to be in the delivery room with me.(again I am not pregnant, she just wanted me to know that ) I would rather be hung up by my toenails and beat with chains, then have her in the delivery room with me. When my SIL had her son, we all went to the hospital to see him and my MIL insisted on taking his diaper off to show us that he was a boy. And that just made him cry. It wasn't even my kid and I wanted to smack her.

Oh, I could go on and on about all the things she has done that make me . About three weeks it all came to blows though. I had all I could take. And my DH stepped up and told her to back off and quit pushing her ideas on us. Since then we haven't heard from her. It is all easier to deal with if your DH will back you up and defend you. I was so thankful when he did that. My mom told me when I got married that you have to set limits with the in-laws. And she was right. From the beginning they need to know they are not in charge and aren't going to be.

Reading all the posts on this thread have made me feel better. I am glad to know I am not the only one out there who has issues with the inlaws. We need to form a support group to keep us sane.