If you don't get along with your in-laws...

[Deparfea]

testing

 

[lisajl]

The day of my wedding, I put my mom and my mil in their places. They were taking over and taking no prisoners. I told them we could leave at any time and they would have to foot the bill.
They shut up.
Then, my MIL was blaming me for her son not calling her, not going to visit, etc. I, in no uncertain terms, told her the world does not revolve around her and that we have problems too.
That shut her up again. The problem with her is that she has ONE son, and he married, me. What she does not realize it that yes, do I dare say it, I am like her.
Strong, opinionated and as stubborn as a mule.

It has put our marriage in turmoil a few times, but not to the point of divorce.
I would not give her that satisfaction. I respect them because they are my DH's parents, that does not mean I have to like them.
BTW, we live 4 hours away from them, and we have not seen them in over a year. Yes, I know we are bad. We are planning a trip up there as soon as we can.

 

[binny]

we just do.


We have had some rocky times with the inlaws but honestly they arent the focus of our marriage. WE are. We both made that commitment.

Of course, we live in a different country now and while we talk once a week or so we only see each other twice a year really.

We used to live in the same town though and we just had to draw the line. Your DH has chosen to be with you. You need to be secure in that. Whatever they think ( mature or not) is irrelevant to your marriage.


My mom always told me when you cant get along with someone talk about the weather and the wallpaper.
In other words, nothing important religion and politics are off limits. if they wont agree to that then just smile and nod when they go on a tear and then gently steer the conversation back to the wallpaper.

 

[kdibattista]

I had a lot of trouble with my inlaws and finally one day I realized that I loved my husband way more then I could ever dislike his parents. I vowed from that day forward that I would make the relationship work and, thankfully, it has. We have had no problems in the last few years.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

However, I find myself annoyed every time I speak with them or spend even a little amount of time with them. Basically, we have very different views of the world, different priorities, different lifestlyes, different - well - everything. That would be fine, except for the fact that I'm considered immature because I don't share their views. I now just bite my tongue and say nothing since there's no point in saying anything anymore.

My question is this: how do dh and I not allow this issue to impact our marriage?
I'm curious to hear how others have dealt with this issue. Thank you.

Now this is about my own parents, esp. my dad. One day I realized that people are entitled to their opinions and I am entitled to mine.
I don't discuss certain things with my dad or mom.
Unless, I want to go to crazy town.

I have learned to not take it personal.

 

[tw1nsmom]

The big thing that helps us is that DH and I will always support each other. I also came to the decision that his mom is just that...his. I never discourage DH from talking to and spending time with his mother. In fact I often encourage him to take the kids over for a visit. However, I don't feel the need to go with him to family events and I certainly don't socialize with her without him. I wouldn't expect DH to drive the kids to my mom's and sit there and chat without me. He doesn't expect me to either.

After I stopped trying, she no longer bothered me as much. Besides, it was a major tactical error on her part. She annoys her children just as much as she does her daughters in law. They spent their entire lives ignoring her and continue to do so. If she hadn't alienated me she would see DH and the children a lot more. As it is, I have to practically force DH to call her.

 

[swea_pea1]

Well, I'm 6 hours away from both my in-laws and my parents, so it was easy for me to solve. I just stopped going to visit the in-laws except very, very rarely. The most important thing to my MIL is that she sees her son and her grandchildren, so I send them over and I stay with my parents. DH always comes to my parent's house to sleep with me, and most of the times the kids do too but sometimes we leave them at the in-laws so they have more time with them.

My advice would be to stop going every month. Send your husband (and kids if you have them) but take that time for yourself. Beg off that you have something to attend or whatever. After the first couple of times, they won't even ask for an excuse anymore. It's likely that they don't want to see you any more than you want to see them so they won't be offended. My in-laws aren't. Trust me, it makes the times you do see them bearable because it's not as often. Your DH will be less stressed because you're happier. It's a win-win-win!

 

[mickeymousemom]

WOW..I'm a PRO here, lemme tell ya. DH and I have been married over 13 years. In the beginning, Dh could NOT cut the apron strings. He would spend an hour every night talking with his parents. His mother is very overbearing and controlling. Both her and my FIL act as though they have every right to parent our kids instead of grandparent them. I won't even tell the long story of what MIL did to my oldest(let's just say it involved a very scared 6yo girl who was always put in the half finished basement to play by herself all day long when MIL watched her, a wooden paddle engraved with John 3;16, and a very violent looking bruise on DD's bare hiney ). If it were up to my IL's they would own a large piece of land where all 3 of their sons and their families could live..along with my IL"s...so they could control us all. It would be a cozy little compound...not kidding. A couple years ago, DH and I began to have some problems and the weight of putting up with his family was wearing thin on me..I'd go to bed crying every night. I didn't grow up that way and it was hard to deal with. Now that DH and I are back on track and better than ever, Dh has finally realized (thru our marriage counseling and lots of talking) that he also has some issues with his parents. He has tried to talk to them but to no avail. DH feels that WE are his family and as much as he loves his parents, they have been wrong in the way they have treated us. It would be okay if they would keep our kids out of it, but they refuse. They even question our 12 yo and say negative things to her about us. Dh has decided to draw the line. He's an adult, they are controlling and he refuses to put up with it anymore. He's drawing a line in the sand and that's the way it is. Until they "get it" we won't be coming around much. That, OP, is how we keep our marriage together. You and your children are Dh's family now. If you can live with the problems then that's fine. But we realized it was too serious and stressful to all of us to keep on allowing it. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to kiss hiney. DH and I have a wonderful relationship and that's the important thing here.

 

[Disney Hot Mama]

We make our marriage work by cutting his parents out of our lives (and their grandchildren's lives) completely. We tried for years to make it work. They are the kind who refuse to cut the apron strings too. They ask very personal quesitons, think we should do things their way as of course it is correct, think we should have an open door policy and they can come by at any time to visit without any notice and actually were insulted when we refused to give them a key to OUR house. I could go on and on but it would do no good. The first few years were trying as my DH was in the middle of it - he got it from me and his parents. We finally realized we would not kiss butt like they wanted (and my BIL and his wife love to do) so we basicially just stopped seeing them and they have never made an effort to make things better. We have resolved that it is in the best interest for our children not to have to see them as they would try to poision them against us. When the kids get older they can make their own decisions but not at this time.

It is sad becasue they only live 30 minutes away and my parents are 6 hours away.

 

[disykat]

Well, I'm 6 hours away from both my in-laws and my parents, so it was easy for me to solve. I just stopped going to visit the in-laws except very, very rarely. The most important thing to my MIL is that she sees her son and her grandchildren, so I send them over and I stay with my parents. DH always comes to my parent's house to sleep with me, and most of the times the kids do too but sometimes we leave them at the in-laws so they have more time with them.

My advice would be to stop going every month. Send your husband (and kids if you have them) but take that time for yourself. Beg off that you have something to attend or whatever. After the first couple of times, they won't even ask for an excuse anymore. It's likely that they don't want to see you any more than you want to see them so they won't be offended. My in-laws aren't. Trust me, it makes the times you do see them bearable because it's not as often. Your DH will be less stressed because you're happier. It's a win-win-win!

I could have written your post, except we live 8 hours away! Since almost ten years have gone by, things have relaxed and I see them more often now. They learned that they couldn't try to control me or how I "tow the line" (direct quote from my FIL was "I have things to teach you") if I wasn't around and that they survived without that ability - so now they don't try. I like to think we're all happier this way - I know dh and I are!

 

[Honu]

I tried for many years to understand my ILs and even like them. Many years ago my SIL, who lives with MIL, called me and let loose a tirade that I was a bad choice of a wife because I don't believe in god, we aren't having children and I'm selfish and hurting his mother because DH spends most of his free time with me. I do regret that I laughed at her and said, "Yeah, I can't imagine why he doesn't want to go over see to you more often" before I hung up the phone, but her frenzied state was kinda funny. Me bad.

From that point on DH goes to visit them, I don't. When I do run into them we are nice, but there are no hugs or warm and fuzzies.

I would never make him visit with my family or go anywhere if it made him feel uncomfortable. He gives me the same respect. Good luck.

 

[Deparfea]

testing

 

[Crankyshank]

You need to allow your husband to have a relationship with his parents if that's what he wants but be clear about your boundaries. Of course your DH is going to feel a degree of loyalty to them - they're his parents.

I am vastly different from and disapproved of by my in-laws. I grew up in an environment completely different from how DH was raised. They can't have a conversation with me without stabbing me in the back about it later. I expect DH to stick up for me to a degree but I also am aware I need to stick up for myself. DH and I made an agreement that I will be pleasant to them and not draw first blood but I will defend myself if I am attacked and he will stick up for me if they berate me to him. We moved 1300miles away from them and in 7yrs they have yet to come up here to visit. Unfortunately for them their closed minded preachy behavior has turned DH away from them and yet they don't see it.

We live closer to my parents. DH doesn't like or get along with my Mother. I have a strained relationship with my mother as well. I see them without DH and DH only attends half of the family functions. I see no need to force DH to be stressed out and uncomfortable so much in order for me to spend time with my family.

 

[dg39]

It took a good 15 years for my dh to cut those darn apron strings. We're married now for 24yrs. and couldn't be happier. We both decided and realized that we married each other and not the whole family. What WE say, goes for raising our children and everything ELSE that pertains to US. We don't ask for any opinions and don't offer any. We ask for nothing and expect nothing. We run our own lives.

It also helps that we don't speak to dh's side of the family...It's ashame, but, sometimes you need to do what you feel is right to live the happy, healthy life you deserve.....

 

[diznygirl]

The big thing with our marriage is that DH is squarely on my side. He didn't start out that way - he thought I was being a little paranoid. Until he found his mom standing outside our gated apt complex with dinner for him when he got home from work!!! He sent her home with the dinner and that's when he realized who the crazy one actually was!

That was the first year we were married. It's been 13 years since then, and even tho there have been blow-ups with crazy MIL, he has always stood by me. He has told her if she didn't want to see me anymore, then that would include him as well and that would be HER decision.

She knows she has to be good in order to have any relationship with him. And I think over time she has realized that I'm the one who makes him call her, and I'm the one who provides her with photos of the grandkids. And that I'm not all bad - even tho I stole her son away from her!!

But the key to everything is your DH - he has to support YOU!!! And he has to be the one to make that clear to his parents.

Good luck!

 

[Stitchfans]

My FIL God rest his soul was a very loving, kind man. I do miss him a lot. MIL is a cold, self centered heartless so and so. DHs sisters are all the same. His brother is just like his dad and him, all good men.

Several years ago I just had enough and said thats it and I haven't seen or spoke to any of them except his brother of course since. I make it clear he is more than welcome and should see his mother. On occasion he does. It has been two years since he has seen his sisters. They have done and said some very evil heartless things which can't be forgiven. DH said once his mom passes away we will continue to not have any kind of a relationship with his sisters or their families. Just his brother if he wants it. Sad

Some people just push you to that point.

 

[helenabear]

After years of my DH's parents hurting him, I just ignore them. I can be civil to them, but I avoid them. Granted they live 400 miles away so that helps. I haven't seen them in almost 5 years now. They make no effort with us though, so it is easy to ignore them.

When I do talk, I am civil. Honestly I think you just need to let go a bit more. sounds like you made a truce but can't "let it go" I am completely emotionally removed from them so it's easy on me now.

Very sad for all of us though. They really hurt my husband a lot, and that breaks my heart.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

While he gets very frustrated and hurt by his parents, he is fiercely loyal to them too. He does spend time with his parents without me. We'll just have to continue that and I need to learn to let things go. Thanks again everyone....

I wanted to add that when his parents hurt him, instead of getting mad, comfort him. When you do this over time he might begin to realize that he does not need to be treated like that and also will know he can count on you for support.

When you "go against" his parents he has to "choose". You serve as a "deflection" when you do this. Meaning he can get angry at you instead of his parents.
If you do not go against them, he is forced to "look" at his parents.

I know that sounds stupid, but honestly, children of any age have a hard time accepting the "ugly truth" about their parents.
He has to figure it out on his own.

 

[sammi]

It's been 12 years since we last spoke to the inlaws as we tried to "have a talk with them" 12 years ago, about different issues and FIL said in some unkind words that he wasn't going to sit and listen to "this #$%" and walked out with MIL following faithfully behind. It's really sad as life is too short but these people (FIL in particular) never made me feel welcome into the family and so I sat for all those years and took all kinds of little insults etc until we decided to bring it all out in the open and this was the result.DH was never right in anything and was never allowed to voice his opinion as FIL "always new better" DH's 3 siblings were put on pedestals and I vowed never to show favouritism to any of my 3 sons as it ruins a family.

This November we'll be celebrating 35 years of marriage so we must have done something right for all of these years.

 

[zalansky]

Add me to the list! WORSE - We live about ten houses down from my IL's. Yep, I liken my life to Everybody loves Raymond, but, take out all the funny parts.

Oh its been a joy let me tell you. How I got talked into this, I will never know. I will say that my FIL is a good guy for the most part, except when he makes degrading remarks about my lack of housekeeping, cooking, when we should take our holiday decorations down, cut the grass, comes over incessantly unaanounced while I sit in pjs with no bra on...etc. I could go on for pages. But MIL, she has a cave in h*ll reserved personally for her. She is a freak, incapable of showing anyone affection or paying a compliment to anyone but her own sons (because she is in love with them probably)...I will stop there but let's suffice it to say I don't like her at all. FIL has to drink beer round the clock just to put up with her antics. She is just a miserable, unhappy - but wait, Godfearin' woman. Aren't they all?

It's sad really. I lost my mom in 1998 and I was hoping to find a MIL that would help fill some of that void in my life. Instead I got the polar opposite.