If u lost a parent at a young age...

[MinnieTink]

My DD13's Best pal is losing her dad to cancer. If you have lost a parent when you were young was there something anyone did for you or said to you that helped you or you never forgot?

I'm at a loss. I know she comes here often as an escape so we all try to be as normal and kooky as we are. Yesterday she told my DD that she visited her DF and she felt like it might be the last time. I'm so sad for her. She stayed with my DD last night and I heard them laughing which is beautiful.

Thanks for reading.....

 

[Amy&Dan]

I lost my father when I was 7. My brother was 11 and my sister was 15. It was tough (like that's a surprise). I remember people trying so hard to distract me. Taking me to movies. My grandmother who was very traditional (and this was in 1972 so a long time ago in different times) bought me a bikini! Which was about as much unlike her as anything and I remember thinking "wow, people will do about anything to make me happy". But what I really wanted and needed was someone to talk frank with me about my loss. A kid, even a young kid can only be distracted for so long. All the movies, ice cream, trips to Six Flags and the pool, couldn't really heal me. But in those days counseling was very unusual. We didn't ever get any, didn't go to grief support and after a coupe of months, it was rare for anyone outside family to mention or acknowledge what he had been through. Years later I came to realize that many of the choices I made from the minute my dad died reflected what I had been through and what I hadn't (namely counseling).

This book really helped me and my brother:
http://www.amazon.com/Loss-That-For...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1266431094&sr=1-1

Its called the Loss That Lasts Forever. It helped me and its been awhile so I can't comment on if this book would help a child of 10. But maybe mom can read it? Or you can to understand and help this little girl. If you check out that link, there are other books about losing a dad.

Also, most hospices have grief support for kids and while its the mom's call, I hope she'll consider it. Really and truly, even if a kid appears fine after this type of loss, its so life changing and so heart breaking, it can have affects for years if not handled right in the first months and years.

My best advice is to surround this little girl with love. Support her and tell her how sorry you are. Don't avoid talking about what she is going through altogether. If she says at some point she doesn't want to talk about it, abide by that but leave the door open.

And she will laugh. Kids are very resiliant. But she'll have bad days too. And thats when if she knows she can come to you and talk about dad, it will be priceless for her. I think its great if she can come over and be with a family (yours) where she can be herself. If she wants to talk, let her and listen. I so remember once trying to talk about my dad and my friend's mom saying something to the affect of "oh you just need to be strong and move on". Again, this was a long time ago. Just follow her lead. If she wants to laugh and not talk, that's okay, if she needs to, listen and let her know you are there for her.

Not sure any of that helps but just thought I'd share! I'll say a prayer for this little girl and for you, its tough to support a child through this. I've done that too and its just so sad to see it happening but also God puts people in the place they need to be and I think this little girl is lucky to have someone who clearly is thinking and caring ahead!

 

[cinderellascastle29]

My DD13's Best pal is losing her dad to cancer. If you have lost a parent when you were young was there something anyone did for you or said to you that helped you or you never forgot?

I'm at a loss. I know she comes here often as an escape so we all try to be as normal and kooky as we are. Yesterday she told my DD that she visited her DF and she felt like it might be the last time. I'm so sad for her. She stayed with my DD last night and I heard them laughing which is beautiful.

Thanks for reading.....

First of all I'm sorry or your daughter's friend, I know how hard it is for her to be going through this I lost my Dad when I was 16 to cancer, so a little older, but he was sick for about 4 years. What you are doing now is great! Don't change the way you and your family are around her. If you are always goofy and laughing, keep it that way because it might give her mind a little escape which is important. What I hated most was when people would act differently or when they would say something about their Dad and then say "OH! I'm sorry I didn't mean to say that!" I got tired of telling people to not worry about it. He's still your Dad, just because I don't have mine now doesn't mean you can't talk about yours! Treat her normal because I know I didn't want special treatment as it made me more upset. You sound like a great family and I think that girl is lucky to have a friend from such a caring family!

ETA: I agree the previous poster that you should lend her an ear if she needs it. I know I would (and still do) talk about my Dad's passing or a time I remember with him etc. and I just like it when someone listens to me even if they don't say anything. It felt and still does feel good to get my feelings out in the open when I need to.

 

[tinatark]

There are a couple of things - first, you can find (I think on etsy.com as well as other sites) places which make jewelry using fingerprints. I think that would be a great remembrance gift - you could even get his fingerprint and order the piece now, to give to her later.

When my bil died suddenly last year, my dh gave his son (he had just turned 16) a watch, and gave it to him, saying "I'll always have time for you".

When my father died, I was in 4th grade. Honestly, the best thing I can remember from that time is when I came back to school, my teacher hugged me for the longest time.

 

[NikiM20]

My dad passed away when I was 7. I just recently recieved some pictures of my dad in a nice collage. It was great showing my daughter her grandpa she never will know

 

[NotUrsula]

The very best thing is something that you are not in a position to do -- my mother took me out of school so that I could spend all day every day with my Dad for as long as he had. That turned out to be nearly a year; we made some great memories before he got the point that he was confined to bed. He was sick for two years, and he died six weeks after my 12th birthday. It was easy to catch up my schoolwork, but I could not ever reproduce those days with my Dad.

The other thing is not to try to make an effort to distract her or insist on cheering her up, but let her lead, and don't walk on eggshells; cancer isn't catching. It's a terribly sad situation, so let her be terribly sad if that is how she is reacting: let her cry, and let her talk about her Dad as much as she wants. You don't have to say anything; just be there and listen. If she has a good laugh now and again don't make a big deal out of it -- let her be her own normal.

When I got back to school two weeks after my Dad's death, my teachers didn't want to deal with crying, so they taunted me publicly about my inability to stop. That's definitely something I remember, and NOT in a good way. I hate those 2 women to this very day, and it has been 36 years since it happened.

 

[abdmom]

My dh died when the children were 10, 7 and a baby. Do what you're doing. Include her in activities with your dd.

When my dh died, so many people said, oh we'll take the kids out tomorrow, next week, some day. Those things 95% of the time didn't happen.

She needs to know that there are other people in her life who she can rely on.

Let your dd know that her friend may become irritable, angry etc. She might act out. She might not do so well in school any more. These are symptoms of grief. It may be hard for your dd to stand by her, but it will be so helpful to her friend when she does.

 

[MinnieTink]

NotUrsula, I hate those two witches too and I don't even know them. That is so awful. So cruel.

Abdmom, I'm so sorry for the loss of you DH. My DDs friend also has a 3 y/o sister and my heart breaks for all involved. Her friend has already been acting differently. I know this is expected. My DD is very supportive of her but sometimes seems too lose patience with her. My DH, my mom and I have been explaining to my DD how hard this is and that she just has to continue to be there for her friend. It's hard for kids to wrap their heads around the concept of death tho until you actually go thru something.

 

[MinnieTink]

I also wanted to thank you all for your responses. I know sharing such a personal and tragic part of you life is not easy and can bring back some sad memories. Thank you.

 

[jlewisinsyr]

My father died suddenly when I was 12. I took a week off of school and then got back into the flow. It was a rough few weeks, but I think just having my friends around me was the best thing. I had friends/family from all over the country that I spent time with during the week I was out of school and my friends at school were a great comfort as well.

I think each person is different, some people bottle it up, some people like to talk about it, it depends on the person's lifestyle/family/friends.

 

[MinnieTink]

OP here. I just read your responses again. It's happening. DDs friend's dad is on life support. They are taking her into the city today for a final time.

This past Monday a friend of a friend also passed from a rare cancer. She just turned 40 and has a 10 y/o DD.

What a crappy week.

Please say a prayer for all those touched by the monster called cancer and especially for the children they leave behind.

 

[starrzone]

I'm so sorry this is happening...give your DD's friend lots of . She's so lucky to have you as part of her support system .

 

[C&G'sMama]

My father died when I was 13. The biggest thing is to keep being a presence in her life. My older siblings and of course my mom were going through their own grief and in in 1977 no one went to therapy. I remember spending a lot of time at my friend "K's" house after dad died. Just hanging out. And I always felt welcome there. My mom was newly widowed (at 60) and had a lot on her plate. She was great but looking back I know it was hard on her and I am forever grateful to K's family. 33 years later K and I are still friends and her dad passed last year.

Prayers being sent out to all of you and DD's friend.

 

[DisGirlAllie]

My parents got divorced when I was four. My dad remarried when I was 13. My mom remarried when I was six. My stepdad died of cancer when I was eleven. I remember that my aunt, who normally freaks me out, sat me down at the funeral and told me that life goes on. He was a great father to me, blood or not, and yes he's gone. But I'm alive and life is for the living. Your world may stop spinning, but the rest of the world goes on. Yes, he will be remembered always but you need to move on.

I'm still scared of her but in an odd way that helped.

 

[funkychunkymonkey]

I lost my dad two days after Christmas when I was 13. The thing I remember most was my best freind comming over that night and staying over. We stayed up all night and talked about all sorts of random things but it was good. She lost her dad at 7 from a heart attack, which is what my dad died from. I also remember being really suprized (and happy) when she showed up at the funeral.