Alice28
DIS Veteran<br><font color=blue>I'm Doombah Fricki
- Joined
- Jun 6, 2002
- Messages
- 9,583
This concerns a family matter between myself and my cousin. I'll try to keep it short.
Background- I live in Oregon; my entire extended family lives in the Bay Area of CA. I moved here with my DH after we got married. I visit often to the Bay Area. My cousin and I were extremely close- called each other several times a week, were in each other's weddings, etc. However, when push came to shove, she would often flake out on things- she's always been like that, but since we were so close, I just brushed it off. For example, she would make these big plans to come visit me in Portland ($33 each way tickets on Southwest) and then flake out and claim she has no money. Next thing I'm hearing about is the new hot tub they just bought. That sorta thing.
Up until this point- now this is 3 year's ago. I have 98% put this in the past, but I would love to get a stranger's opinion. My son's birthday always lands on Thanksgiving weekend. For his 3rd birthday, I wanted to have the party at my parent's house, and invite friends and family- not just to celebrate his bday, but as a family get together and catch up. My cousin lives less than 2 hours away from my parent's- that's a drop in the bucket to me, considering it's an 11-12 hour car ride from our home to my parent's---to me, two hours is a hop-skip & a jump. I asked my cousin the August before if they would be able to come to Thanksgiving at my parent's house (this also included her parents, my aunt and uncle, who live 20 minutes from my parents). It turned out she couldn't come for Thanksgiving, as her husband had to work the next day, but she would try and make it to the party with her 3 year old son too.
Flash foward to two weeks before the party. At this point, both my cousin and I are pregnant with our second babies- we are a week apart in gestation and have been gabbing on the phone often. She stops returning my phone calls. I find out through my Dad that she isn't coming to the party, because she doesn't feel well and doesn't want to "Deal" with the drive. This is TWO weeks before- not the morning of, not the night before...two weeks before. I can completely understand waking up, not feeling good and being unable to come. I keep hoping she'll change her mind, cause we had so much to catch up on- I hadn't seen her since February! Well, the party comes and goes, and not only does she not come, she tells her parents not to leave her house and to stay with her all weekend. So my aunt and uncle don't come either. The entire drive to CA I was sick and nauseous and threw up at a McDonald's cause the morning sickness was so bad. But my extended family wasn't willing to drive a couple hours.
My parents and I were stunned. I spent the evening crying because I completely felt dissed.
I find out two weeks later that the week after the party she drove the two hours to help her Mom install a computer. So, it turns out the drive wasn't really the issue- my family just didn't rank high enough on her list to make the effort.
Flash foward a few weeks- it was after Christmas. My cousin and I had been exchanging light emails and I felt like both of us were avoiding the elephant in the room. I said "You know, I was really bummed you were unable to come to mom and dad's- I really missed seeing you and catching up. It hurt me and I just feel like I had to get that off of my chest. I'm not mad, I was just really sad." She BLEW up at me, telling me what a selfish brat I was, how I don't make it to her kid's parties, so why should she make any effort to come to mine, that every Thanksgiving isn't going to be set aside for my kid, etc. I was so stunned. I just started crying on the phone. She is that kind of a person though- she can rip someone so badly the second they have their back turned- it shouldn't have surprised me that she did it to me. I said, that if she only lived two hours from me, I would most certainly make it to her kid's parties, and I had made it to a few even living 12 hours away and it wasn't about my kid's bday anyway- it was about not taking the time for family in general.
Since that happened, we have grown apart. I apologized twice, even though I felt like I did nothing wrong- I just wanted to make peace. She never responded to those letters.
Other people tell me that I don't need friends like that and for the most part I agree. But I am regretful of the relationship lost. Was I out of line in my expectations?
Background- I live in Oregon; my entire extended family lives in the Bay Area of CA. I moved here with my DH after we got married. I visit often to the Bay Area. My cousin and I were extremely close- called each other several times a week, were in each other's weddings, etc. However, when push came to shove, she would often flake out on things- she's always been like that, but since we were so close, I just brushed it off. For example, she would make these big plans to come visit me in Portland ($33 each way tickets on Southwest) and then flake out and claim she has no money. Next thing I'm hearing about is the new hot tub they just bought. That sorta thing.
Up until this point- now this is 3 year's ago. I have 98% put this in the past, but I would love to get a stranger's opinion. My son's birthday always lands on Thanksgiving weekend. For his 3rd birthday, I wanted to have the party at my parent's house, and invite friends and family- not just to celebrate his bday, but as a family get together and catch up. My cousin lives less than 2 hours away from my parent's- that's a drop in the bucket to me, considering it's an 11-12 hour car ride from our home to my parent's---to me, two hours is a hop-skip & a jump. I asked my cousin the August before if they would be able to come to Thanksgiving at my parent's house (this also included her parents, my aunt and uncle, who live 20 minutes from my parents). It turned out she couldn't come for Thanksgiving, as her husband had to work the next day, but she would try and make it to the party with her 3 year old son too.
Flash foward to two weeks before the party. At this point, both my cousin and I are pregnant with our second babies- we are a week apart in gestation and have been gabbing on the phone often. She stops returning my phone calls. I find out through my Dad that she isn't coming to the party, because she doesn't feel well and doesn't want to "Deal" with the drive. This is TWO weeks before- not the morning of, not the night before...two weeks before. I can completely understand waking up, not feeling good and being unable to come. I keep hoping she'll change her mind, cause we had so much to catch up on- I hadn't seen her since February! Well, the party comes and goes, and not only does she not come, she tells her parents not to leave her house and to stay with her all weekend. So my aunt and uncle don't come either. The entire drive to CA I was sick and nauseous and threw up at a McDonald's cause the morning sickness was so bad. But my extended family wasn't willing to drive a couple hours.
My parents and I were stunned. I spent the evening crying because I completely felt dissed.
I find out two weeks later that the week after the party she drove the two hours to help her Mom install a computer. So, it turns out the drive wasn't really the issue- my family just didn't rank high enough on her list to make the effort.Flash foward a few weeks- it was after Christmas. My cousin and I had been exchanging light emails and I felt like both of us were avoiding the elephant in the room. I said "You know, I was really bummed you were unable to come to mom and dad's- I really missed seeing you and catching up. It hurt me and I just feel like I had to get that off of my chest. I'm not mad, I was just really sad." She BLEW up at me, telling me what a selfish brat I was, how I don't make it to her kid's parties, so why should she make any effort to come to mine, that every Thanksgiving isn't going to be set aside for my kid, etc. I was so stunned. I just started crying on the phone. She is that kind of a person though- she can rip someone so badly the second they have their back turned- it shouldn't have surprised me that she did it to me. I said, that if she only lived two hours from me, I would most certainly make it to her kid's parties, and I had made it to a few even living 12 hours away and it wasn't about my kid's bday anyway- it was about not taking the time for family in general.
Since that happened, we have grown apart. I apologized twice, even though I felt like I did nothing wrong- I just wanted to make peace. She never responded to those letters.
Other people tell me that I don't need friends like that and for the most part I agree. But I am regretful of the relationship lost. Was I out of line in my expectations?
