I would like your opinion on DH's motive: **UPDATE**

[rie'smom]

Here's the thing: When you ask someone for something, you have to allow for a 'no' answer. Otherwise, it's not asking, is it? This isn't the OP's kid we are talking about, it's her husband. I'm shocked at the number of people who would disrespect him.

Interesting logic.

I guess that the police should be free to go through our stuff whenever they feel like it (without a warrant). After all, if we have nothing to hide, we shouldn't be upset about it.

I believe that's called the Patriot Act.

OP, only you know your husband. If mine did that, I wouldn't suspect that he was cheating but I'd get angry and tell him that he was acting like a jerk. It seems very petty and childish to me that he wouldn't allow you to use his phone.

 

[EthansMom]

My husband and I have no problems if one of us has to use the other's cellphone or get into their purse/wallet or see their credit card statements.

If my husband had a cellphone that he wouldn't let me use and I never saw the credit card statements, I'd quietly snoop just to make sure nothing hinky was going on.

 

[Pakey]

Being denied the use of a phone would not make me suspicious of my spouse and I would not stoop to snooping.

 

[lillygator]

so did you check the phone yet?

 

[happygirl]

A little off topic what kind of cell phone do you have that you can't use it while it charges? I want to make sure not to get a phone like that?

 

[madcam]

I thought about responding to some of the really negative responses I got on here.......the ones that said I was acting "entitled" or "snarky" or that he wouldn't be out of line to divorce me but I decided not to do that. I will say thank you to who ever posted this:

1. The OP stated that her DH is a generous man and would normally give anyone the shirt off his back. Refusing to allow his wife to borrow his phone seems out of character for such a generous man.

2. The OP stated that the phone bill is in his name and she does not have access to it. One would assume that she pointed this out for a reason. Maybe typing it made her realize that this doesn't seem right.

3. The OP used the following terms to describe her DH's behavior: strange, territorial and shady. If she said he was lighthearted, joking and loving about the situation, I would think he just didn't want her to take a phone that had a low battery. But those aren't the words she used to describe him.

4. The most important point of all. The OP felt the need to come on a public message board and post this information. When someone does that, they are usually questioning things. Usually they feel something is off but they don't know if they are just overreacting. I am always of the opinion that you should go with your gut. If the OP's gut is telling her that his behavior is not normal, she should trust her gut. I am sure many DH's have refused to let their spouse borrow their phones and red flags didn't go up but in the case of the OP, she seemed to feel something was off. I think it is very important to trust your gut. Hopefully, they are just a couple with communication issues and they can work it out.

Also, I posted it on a message board because it is pretty much annonomous on here. I can get opinions from people that don't know either one of us. And I don't talk about our business with our friends and family......not about things like this anyway. I am pretty sure that in my posts I said that he was not acting mean nor being condicinding towards me and also that this behavior was out of character for him. Geez people.

Ok so here is the resolution:

I went and let him read the thread last night. (It was only on the 2nd post on the 2nd page at that point). We had a huge yelling match at first because that is how we do things. (For those of you who feel that we are immature for doing that.....you are probably right. But I love my DH, he loves me, we are best friends but we do not always get along....oh well.) He fixated on what some of yall did......that I was accusing him of cheating. I was not. I did not accuse him of cheating NOR DO I THINK he is cheating (for a host of reasons). But i do think his extremely strange, out of character reaction to that situation made his motives LOOK questionable and I wanted him to see my point of view. He at that point did agree that it came across badly. This isn't the first time I have questioned him either. I didn't mention those incidents because I didn't want that to cause a biased opinion in anyone. Twice this year he tried to cover up something he did that he thought I would be mad about. My biggest pet peeve is lying and he KNOWS that. One of those incidents I could have cared less about the other I didn't like but it was not huge......what made me so mad was his trying to cover it up. His reaction in yesterday's phone situation seemed very similar to those other times. He admitted that the battery being low was just an excuse and that he didn't want me to take his phone hince the "cover up" attitude. RUDE!! He then offered to show me every number called or recieved on our phone bill to prove it to me. I declined because I believe him and since I don't feel a need to know about every conversation he has or who with. But I was still ticked that he was rude to me and caused me stress over something so stupid.


All is well today. And no, he is not mad at me so no divorce today.

 

[AllyandJack]

I just wanted to pop in...haven't posted in a while.

I noticed my DH was getting overly protective of his phone. Then, I noticed 2 charges for Lavalife Chat on our bill. He denied, denied, denied. Of course. I asked to see his phone. He refused. He didn't shower for weeks because it meant taking the phone off and giving me access to it. Slept with it attached to him.

I signed up for Lavalife and searched and, sure enough, there was a profile matching him. No picture, so he denied and denied again. Got Sprint to take the charges off. We had a physical altercation where I tried to grab the phone and he nearly broke my arm over it. I decided I didn't need the phone, there are other ways.

Ironically, the person who matched him on Lava last logged on the dates that were on my phone bill. Hmmm.....

So, I did a littel detective work.....

Long story short.....last night, I discovered his MySpace profile where he lists himself as single and has attempted to contact a variety of women in our area.

I got the phone and found recent texts to MySpace (he never had access to my computer, so it was always done via mobile).

He STILL denies it's him and claims it's someone at work messing around - someone at work who knows he's a Capricorn, his income, his hometown, his height. And, apparently, that person had his cell phone at 11pm because that's when the messages were updated.

My mother thought I was nuts - told me to leave him alone. He's such a hard worker. He's such a good father. He's also a lying scumbag. And, I busted him because I know more than he does about this stuff. I knew how to spy. And, good thing I did.

Loser thought he'd get away with it. Loser was wrong.

How did I do it? Easy....sort of....

I pay all the bills. So, I went onto Sprint and changed all the passwords. Then, I had any e-mail that went to his Sprint account forwarded to my e-mail address. I waited. Over a week. Finally, last night, I get an e-mail notification to check his mail. Logged onto Sprint and, sure enough, there it was - a message from MySpace telling him to update his profile. Went on MySpace and searched under the e-mail address and there he is. Ironically, the names from MySpace and Lava are nearly identical.

He's still denying it and claims Sprint told him it wasn't legit because "the numbers don't match". I guess he thinks I don't know anything about IP addresses. But, I do. I'm no fool.

Maybe his next wife will be stupid. Unfortunately for him, he married someone who doesn't accept lame excuses and knows how to manipulate technology.

I caught him. He's passed the denial stage. Now, he's in the blame-someone-else stage. Soon, he'll admit it and blame me. That's usually how this stuff progresses.

Too bad for him, he also married a lawyer.

Anyway....this is my experience. Not to say every guy who wants dominion over his phone is a lying slime like mine, but trust your instincts. They're hardly ever wrong.

Good luck. I hope you have a different outcome.

 

[Sandy321]

OP sounds like your dh just doesnt want to share his toy!!

I get that! When I borrow dh's phone I may push buttons and mess stuff up! (and no not on purpose! His phone is different than mine!)

 

[DisneyBlonde]

I just wanted to pop in...haven't posted in a while.

I noticed my DH was getting overly protective of his phone. Then, I noticed 2 charges for Lavalife Chat on our bill. He denied, denied, denied. Of course. I asked to see his phone. He refused. He didn't shower for weeks because it meant taking the phone off and giving me access to it. Slept with it attached to him.

I signed up for Lavalife and searched and, sure enough, there was a profile matching him. No picture, so he denied and denied again. Got Sprint to take the charges off. We had a physical altercation where I tried to grab the phone and he nearly broke my arm over it. I decided I didn't need the phone, there are other ways.

Ironically, the person who matched him on Lava last logged on the dates that were on my phone bill. Hmmm.....

So, I did a littel detective work.....

Long story short.....last night, I discovered his MySpace profile where he lists himself as single and has attempted to contact a variety of women in our area.

I got the phone and found recent texts to MySpace (he never had access to my computer, so it was always done via mobile).

He STILL denies it's him and claims it's someone at work messing around - someone at work who knows he's a Capricorn, his income, his hometown, his height. And, apparently, that person had his cell phone at 11pm because that's when the messages were updated.

My mother thought I was nuts - told me to leave him alone. He's such a hard worker. He's such a good father. He's also a lying scumbag. And, I busted him because I know more than he does about this stuff. I knew how to spy. And, good thing I did.

Loser thought he'd get away with it. Loser was wrong.

How did I do it? Easy....sort of....

I pay all the bills. So, I went onto Sprint and changed all the passwords. Then, I had any e-mail that went to his Sprint account forwarded to my e-mail address. I waited. Over a week. Finally, last night, I get an e-mail notification to check his mail. Logged onto Sprint and, sure enough, there it was - a message from MySpace telling him to update his profile. Went on MySpace and searched under the e-mail address and there he is. Ironically, the names from MySpace and Lava are nearly identical.

He's still denying it and claims Sprint told him it wasn't legit because "the numbers don't match". I guess he thinks I don't know anything about IP addresses. But, I do. I'm no fool.

Maybe his next wife will be stupid. Unfortunately for him, he married someone who doesn't accept lame excuses and knows how to manipulate technology.

I caught him. He's passed the denial stage. Now, he's in the blame-someone-else stage. Soon, he'll admit it and blame me. That's usually how this stuff progresses.

Too bad for him, he also married a lawyer.

Anyway....this is my experience. Not to say every guy who wants dominion over his phone is a lying slime like mine, but trust your instincts. They're hardly ever wrong.

Good luck. I hope you have a different outcome.

Ally I'm so sorry you are going through this, but you handled it like a champ! Go girl.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

OP, I'm glad it all worked out. And just for the record, I don't think that those of us who were voicing some dissention were attacking YOU... we were disagreeing with those who thought you should snoop. We just thought it was terrible advice.

I'm curious about those who have actually snooped on their spouses/significant others and came up empty... did you tell them that you did it or are you the ones who are ultimately being distrustworthy? If you did tell them, how did you react when they were ticked off?

 

[pearlieq]

Maybe his next wife will be stupid.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I'm so proud of your spirit and the way you handled yourself. I hope it goes quickly and smoothly and you can focus on building a new, better life with people who deserve you.

As for the OP, I asked my DH why a man wouldn't let his wife use his phone if she asked. His response: "He's doing something shady". Then he offered me his phone.

There is no good reason a married couple should deny each other use of their property. None whatsoever.

As for the person who said that by that logic we should be fine with unlawful search and seizure from the police, that ridiculous. I'm not married to them.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

As for the person who said that by that logic we should be fine with unlawful search and seizure from the police, that ridiculous. I'm not married to them.

The person I am married to will trust me, without me having to defend it. That's all there is to it. We can disagree on that, because what is right for one person isn't always right for another. But I will not spend my time proving my trustworthiness. Just not gonna happen.

 

[pearlieq]

The person I am married to will trust me, without me having to defend it.

That's a valid point and every married couple has a different "deal".

How far does that go? At what point would suspicious behavior need to be explained? If your spouse stopped coming home at night and refused to explain their whereabouts, do you just accept it and trust that their motives are honest?

In my marriage, I would consider DH refusing me access to his phone to be unreasonable. By the same token, I would consider my refusing to let him see my laptop, credit card statements, etc. to be unacceptable. Open access and disclosure is part of our agreement.

 

[hellokitty86]

OP- I'm glad you worked everything out...red flags went up for me, so I understand why you were suspicious.

AllyandJack, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I remember reading about your IVF struggles and cheering when you got pregnant the first time. You are a strong person and you will get through this.

 

[tnmt]

Just asked my DH his opinion about the situation and he says look at the phone records just to be sure. Sounds suspicious to him too.

 

[mickeyboat]

Carla -

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Denae

 

[Disney Doll]

The person I am married to will trust me, without me having to defend it. That's all there is to it. We can disagree on that, because what is right for one person isn't always right for another. But I will not spend my time proving my trustworthiness. Just not gonna happen.

Actually, there's a lot more to it than that dear. But you'll find that out as your life goes on....

 

[chell]

Sorry you had to go through this. My husband & I have a great relationship and I love him dearly but there are times I worry and freak out on the inside. We are women and we do that. Some women are super secure and will never worry and that's great. Some women do worry and that doesn't mean their men are cheaters. My husband has done some of the things before where he just didn't tell me something and hid it from me. That is what made me mad, the fact that he hid it from me. If he had just told me all would have been well. WHY do they not get that? Too bad we can't brainwash them.

Glad to hear all is well today.

 

[bumbershoot]

AllyandJack, I'm so sorry.

OP, glad you were able to talk about it!

The person I am married to will trust me, without me having to defend it. That's all there is to it. We can disagree on that, because what is right for one person isn't always right for another. But I will not spend my time proving my trustworthiness. Just not gonna happen.

"will trust me", so that means you're not married...no one on the horizon?

That sort of feeling is very common. And then you watch friends, who felt the same way, get BLASTED by their beloveds, and the rose colored glasses come off.

One of my friends...wonderful relationship with like-minded partner. Decide to marry in an open, honest, romantic yet open-eyed decision (she's a lawyer, he is/was a stockbroker). They got married. Over their honeymoon, while abroad, 9/11 happens (I noticed that being shaken to your core by 9/11 caused many people to realize that they did want to marry their loved ones, or they did not want to be married anymore...something about it shook people up and it affected relationships). They get home, they decide to start a family. She gets pregnant. She's 3 months pregnant, it's Valentine's day. She gets roses at her office, she talks to hubby off and on all day.... She gets home...his stuff is GONE. He's taken their framed vows OUT of the frame and set them on the table. He's taken everything from their joint account (joint b/c they trusted each other!). He's turned off all sorts of accounts, left her bereft, high and dry.

He's never met their daughter. He got married to their mutual friend as soon as the divorce was final. He's since had at least two children with his new wife.

She trusted him. She didn't have a pre-nup with him.

You see that sort of thing happen a few times...you see your best friend go through a divorce after finding out that her husband was cheating with his law secretary, and it all came out when she hugged him at a NYE party and felt a strange bulge in his jacket pocket, and she finds a strange, unknown to her cellphone there, and the story all comes out... You find out that one of your college friends, that you've known only a year longer than her husband, seems to think they have an open marriage and brings men back to a rented condo on a "girls trip" for her 40th birthday... You see all these things...and you lose those blinders.


If my husband told me that I couldn't check his email if I wanted to, couldn't look at his phone if I wanted to, etc etc...the marriage would be off. And he can check up on anything about me if he wants to. It's not about proving anything; it's about being so aboveboard about EVERYTHING that it doesn't matter if someone has a moment of weakness and mistrust and fear...because there's nothing bad out there to find.




I wanted to add....hubby's a "stuff" guy. He likes his toys. I like my macbook. If one of us was having a "mine mine" moment, we'd just say that! Actually we'd probably pretend we were Gollum and start talking about how the toy was "my precious", we'd laugh, and probably hand over whatever was asked for (as long as we weren't using it at the time). Possessiveness is fine with us, but we're open about it. We wouldn't just say "no" and blame the battery. Totally fine to be possessive, not fine to not be open about it.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

That's a valid point and every married couple has a different "deal".

How far does that go? At what point would suspicious behavior need to be explained? If your spouse stopped coming home at night and refused to explain their whereabouts, do you just accept it and trust that their motives are honest?

In my marriage, I would consider DH refusing me access to his phone to be unreasonable. By the same token, I would consider my refusing to let him see my laptop, credit card statements, etc. to be unacceptable. Open access and disclosure is part of our agreement.

Agreed. Which is why I said it's different for every person... my concern with this situation was the instantaneous reaction by some of the posters here... people who didn't know her or her hubby. And yes, I know she asked for advice. But the almost immediate "he's cheating, check the phone records" bothered me because she was asking for advice and I think that if she HAD done that, it might have caused some really hurt feelings and a lot trouble. And after reading her update, I think I was right. Following your gut is a good thing; jumping to conclusions based on someone else's gut feeling is not. That's all I was trying to say.

Actually, there's a lot more to it than that dear. But you'll find that out as your life goes on....

I'm not your dear and I'm not 16. But thanks.