I would like your opinion on DH's motive: **UPDATE**

[LuvOrlando]

-

 

[sbell111]

I went and let him read the thread last night. (It was only on the 2nd post on the 2nd page at that point). We had a huge yelling match at first because that is how we do things. (For those of you who feel that we are immature for doing that.....you are probably right. But I love my DH, he loves me, we are best friends but we do not always get along....oh well.) He fixated on what some of yall did......that I was accusing him of cheating. I was not. I did not accuse him of cheating NOR DO I THINK he is cheating (for a host of reasons). But i do think his extremely strange, out of character reaction to that situation made his motives LOOK questionable and I wanted him to see my point of view. He at that point did agree that it came across badly. This isn't the first time I have questioned him either. I didn't mention those incidents because I didn't want that to cause a biased opinion in anyone. Twice this year he tried to cover up something he did that he thought I would be mad about. My biggest pet peeve is lying and he KNOWS that. One of those incidents I could have cared less about the other I didn't like but it was not huge......what made me so mad was his trying to cover it up. His reaction in yesterday's phone situation seemed very similar to those other times. He admitted that the battery being low was just an excuse and that he didn't want me to take his phone hince the "cover up" attitude. RUDE!! He then offered to show me every number called or recieved on our phone bill to prove it to me. I declined because I believe him and since I don't feel a need to know about every conversation he has or who with. But I was still ticked that he was rude to me and caused me stress over something so stupid.

All is well today. And no, he is not mad at me so no divorce today.

I hope that one day that you'll be able to treat him like an adult.

Actually, there's a lot more to it than that dear. But you'll find that out as your life goes on....

Wow. That's more than a little condescending.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

^ Thank you.

 

[Allison]

There is a fine line between being trusting and being a fool. A person who recognizes something is 'off' and closes their eyes to it because they are afraid of angering the person who behaved in an 'off' manner has crossed over IMO. I'd rather my DH be aware I'm not a fool than actually be one, but that's just me.

I would also say there is a fine line between not being a fool and being paranoid and sneaky when someone doesn't deserve such action.

I'm not speaking of this specific situation as I don't know the people and couldn't say. But, people can go too far either way. Being completely blind to the obvious or being overly suspicious and making themselves crazy with worry over nothing.

 

[lisaviolet]

OP - glad you worked it through. If it matters at all I thought you sounded like such a secure and rational woman throughout this thread. I knew why you posted on here. Because once you take any of these thoughts to loved ones or overreact to your husband/wife - it's done. Done deal. Especially with loved ones.

PP - I"m so so sorry for your situation. So sorrry. So difficult.

And as for the divorce rate being higher because of suspicious nature nowadays. I just smiled. Is it not possible that it was going on just as much when people stayed married but spouses just let intuitive feelings go? As in overlooked and turned away. Possible? Is that a good thing? Just asking. Not being sarcastic.

As for Disney Doll - who I know is more than able to defend herself. I think I'm sort of feeling a similar way about some of the posts about trust and some said only the OP knows if her husband is capable. Eeek - I don't know as I get older I guess - I've seen some "good men" (save the flames I know what is coming) cheat. I think one - no matter how much you love and adore and trust someone - you just never know.

Also, I've heard that by the time most women "think" something seems wrong - it is.

Yes there are men that are wired to cheat and enjoy it (and women too I'm sure). But for each of them there are some that never thought that they would do that. Ever. And do.

I've heard people say if you'd asked me if I would ever do this - I'd say no way. I just believe that good people can do wrong things. Just do.

This year a good friend's husband cheated on her while she was pregnant with their second child. Never a huge fan of his - but never in my wildest dreams would I have thought he would do this. And neither did she. She fully trusted her husband.

Live life long enough and sometimes life shows you one way or another. And obviously not necessarily in your own marriage - but at least close friends and loved ones. Unfortunately.

OP and .

Lisa

 

[Allison]

Actually, there's a lot more to it than that dear. But you'll find that out as your life goes on....

Well, my life has been going on for quite a while now, as has my marriage.
I won't prove I'm trustworthy by giving my cell phone or email for inspection. I don't expect it of my husband either. Obviously, other folks handle things differently. Whatever works for your relationship.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Ya know what, I'm glad things worked out in this situation for the OP.

I've hung around here (and other message boards) long enough to think that some of the people urging her to babysit her husband were secretly hoping that she would find something untoward, just because they enjoy the drama. That's not directed at anyone specific, just a general feeling.

I also think that we can disagree respectfully without being condescending. A perfectly valid comment can lose merit when it's delivered in such a way that you come across as feeling superior.

 

[lisaviolet]

Well, my life has been going on for quite a while now, as has my marriage.
I won't prove I'm trustworthy by giving my cell phone or email for inspection. I don't expect it of my husband either. Obviously, other folks handle things differently. Whatever works for your relationship.

Allison - I don't know how I feel about snooping either - I don't think I could do it (but understand people do what they need to do). However, I'm wondering - pure curiousity Allison not baiting you - if a situation arose where your intuition was just bothering you over and over would your husband's word be the end of the story. Or would you even have the conversation ( saying that because I shouldn't assume). If it's too personal - ignore me.

 

[Disney Doll]

Agreed. Which is why I said it's different for every person... my concern with this situation was the instantaneous reaction by some of the posters here... people who didn't know her or her hubby. And yes, I know she asked for advice. But the almost immediate "he's cheating, check the phone records" bothered me because she was asking for advice and I think that if she HAD done that, it might have caused some really hurt feelings and a lot trouble. And after reading her update, I think I was right. Following your gut is a good thing; jumping to conclusions based on someone else's gut feeling is not. That's all I was trying to say.



I'm not your dear and I'm not 16. But thanks.

But you are a tad testy. My goodness.
I'll stop now, because we obviously don't have a meeting of the minds. I'll refer you back to bumbershoot's post...she gives a much better and more detailed explanation of what experience will teach someone than I ever could.

And FTR, if I was the OP, I'd be keeping a closer eye on my hubby for a while, because she's married to the guy and her "gut" was to think something might be amiss based on his behavior. My guess is that something is amiss.

 

[Disney Doll]

I hope that one day that you'll be able to treat him like an adult.
Wow. That's more than a little condescending.

Not really, but it's also not worth fussing about with you guys.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, my life has been going on for quite a while now, as has my marriage.
I won't prove I'm trustworthy by giving my cell phone or email for inspection. I don't expect it of my husband either. Obviously, other folks handle things differently. Whatever works for your relationship.

I've never felt the need to inspect my husband's cell phone, email or anything else, nor has he ever felt the need to inspect any those same items of mine.

That being said, if he did feel the need to do so, here's how I would handle it:

1. I would allow him to see whatever he wanted, presuming I had nothing to hide. Obviously, if I had something to hide, your line about not proving I am trustworthy by giving my cell phone or email for inspection will come in quite handy...thanks.

2. We would have a long discussion about what precipitated his feeling that I could not be trusted, and we would work on the issue to make sure he was comfortable, because he is who I love and his comfort within our relationship is of the utmost importance to me.

You see, MY marriage is sometimes about understanding that the person I love, who loves me, is human, with all the human frailties that we all possess. So I would tend to forgive him a momentary lapse. I wouldn't dig my heels in and say "You will trust me no questions asked".

I'm 47 and married for 18 years and it's been working OK for us so far. You say your way works for you, so it's all good.

 

[Disney Doll]

Ya know what, I'm glad things worked out in this situation for the OP.

I've hung around here (and other message boards) long enough to think that some of the people urging her to babysit her husband were secretly hoping that she would find something untoward, just because they enjoy the drama. That's not directed at anyone specific, just a general feeling.

I also think that we can disagree respectfully without being condescending. A perfectly valid comment can lose merit when it's delivered in such a way that you come across as feeling superior.

You are absolutely right. We should all practice what we preach. Internet responses are difficult sometimes because much is lost in the translation. Condescending, superior, immature, snippy...sometimes it's so hard to tell the difference between them, when expressions and inflections can't be "read" isn't it?

 

[Rebelmom67]

DD, don't sweat it, you were the voice of reason. Of course I was just accused of a PERSONAL ATTACK on another thread when I did NOTHING. Strange freakin Disboards people.

 

[MoniqueU]

I explained the situation to my husband to and asked him if he would let me use his phone and he said no. He didn't get tht the husband was home because my DH is ALWAYS at work. He said no based on the fact that he would need it then when told that the husband was home he said yes.
I still admit I would have trouble letting someone use my computer and I dont like usin other peoples either. Not that I think either of us have something to hide but it just like sharing your brand new bike you just got for you4 5th birthday,

 

[Disney Doll]

DD, don't sweat it, you were the voice of reason. Of course I was just accused of a PERSONAL ATTACK on another thread when I did NOTHING. Strange freakin Disboards people.

Oh, I never sweat anything on the Internet Monique. It's a pasttime for me.

 

[madcam]

I hope that one day that you'll be able to treat him like an adult.

I know!! I keep telling him if he eats all his veggies and keeps his room clean I might let him play outside with his friends!! Maybe tomorrow I will go to the store and pick up a drug test for him to take.....you know, just for kicks!!

 

[lisaviolet]

I know!! I keep telling him if he eats all his veggies and keeps his room clean I might let him play outside with his friends!! Maybe tomorrow I will go to the store and pick up a drug test for him to take.....you know, just for kicks!!

 

[disykat]

Like others have tried to explain here, my husband and I have a relationship of trust. We don't violate that trust by becoming suddenly secretive about our stuff.

There's a big difference between being irritated and wanting your spouse to use their own phone, and suddenly being adament that your spouse is not allowed access at all to your phone. Combine that with barring access to your phone bills, etc. it would be enough to give me a weird feeling as well.

Having seen several friends have that weird feeling and what followed, I'd be checking too. If I were the OP I'd keep watch. If you've been in a long term relationship, you know whether someone is irritated and simply doesn't want you to use his phone or whether he is being secretive. Give the OP some credit that when she gets that "feeling," she's not being an idiot. If she's wrong, her spouse should be happy to have her allay her fears. Nothing to hide, why hide?

Having gone 18 years without that "feeling," if I did get that feeling, I'd be doing some checking.

 

[madcam]

I didn't accuse him of cheating.

I didn't suspect him of cheating.

I suspected that the reason he gave me was at best, rude, at worst, untrue and a cover for something else.

I didn't ask for support for snooping in his phone.

I didn't snoop in his phone.

I turned down his offer to look in his phone.

I was angry that he was once again doing the shady, cover-up thing where he acts like he is hiding something. He has done this before.

Turns out he was lying about the reason he did not want me to use his phone and his reason was because he just didn't want me to use it. He didn't want me to leave the house with it because he felt territorial over HIS phone. He admitted that the "low battery" was just an excuse. My gut, as everyone keeps talking about, said that the reason he gave was questionable and my gut was right.

I felt it was rude of him to not allow me to use his property because we have never had a problem sharing our things and because I felt I had a legitamate need. You may disagree but that is how I feel and I would never do that to him and he knows it.

I came on here to ask for opinions of his uncharacteristic behavior to see if anyone could give me a possible reason to this behavior.

I did this so that I could show him that I am not the only person in the world that would think this looked bad.

I did it on an anonomous message board so not to involve any of our friends/ family.

My final thought: There are some REALLY bitter, mean-spirited people on here!

(P.S. Thanks to all the really nice people who read what I posted and responded in a kind-hearted manner, regardless if I agreed with you or not. I appriciate the advice!)

 

[PinkRhombus]

And so was hers. But his phone can be used while charging, and hers can't. They have a long tradition of phone calls while one is at the store. She felt she needed a phone.

How on earth can she use the phone in the store if it's on the charger?

My husband would have told me no, too. Probably something along the lines of "wait until yours is charged a bit" and "be more responsible about keeping it charged". It's not like it was an emergency.

Seriously...maybe he wants to eliminate that tradition. Most husbands I know, including mine, get pretty annoyed if they get called 100 times to ask about dumb stuff like that. Just buy the batteries and choose a couple of movies. If he truly needs something he will let you know. Geez.

"will trust me", so that means you're not married...no one on the horizon?

That sort of feeling is very common. And then you watch friends, who felt the same way, get BLASTED by their beloveds, and the rose colored glasses come off.

Your example is of people getting screwed over by their partners...not what that poster you were commenting to.

Being trusted is 100% the responsibilty of yourself. And there is no reason to get into a relationship where you are constantly questioned and be made to feel that you have to go above and beyond to "prove" that you're trustworthy...instead of just going about things normally.

That's abusive and controlling...all kinds of Lifetime movies made about that type of spouse.