Thank you for all the ideas on how to present this...I really do appreciate all the insight. After reading all the posts and slow breathing on my end, I really had calmed down a lot. I didn't know what her inital plan was but I could see the good she was trying to do.
Well, I took my son to school this morning about 1/2 early and had an opportunity to talk to the teacher-one on one before school started. Instead of putting her immediately on the defense (I really do appreciate everything teachers do for our children), I commended her on the food drive and getting the children involved in a community. I listened contently to her enthusiasm and really believe she didn't realize exactly what she had done by assigning a letter grade based on donations.(BTW-She is a first year teacher...subbing for the homeroom teacher out on maternity leave)
After she finished, I again told her I thought it was a wonderful lesson for the children but I personally am uncomfortable with the idea of basing a letter grade on a donation. That because of my decision not to participate in the class project, my son was being penalized in his grades, and I didn't feel it was fair or the right thing to do within a school-basing grades on how much a family donates. Then I asked her if there were alternatives for the children who's family decided they weren't allowed to participate. (Which there wasn't). So I point blanked asked her....Do you see how I, as a parent, find this is not acceptable (which she did and admitted that she hadn't thought about it from a parents aspect). Then instead of accusing/belittling her idea, I offered her the suggestion from the DISBOARDS (bonus points, volunteering to help sort, a report, etc) as alteratives.
We discussed the issue for the entire time before school started. She, herself, was going to talk to the principal because she wanted to discuss with him the things we had talked about plus as I told her, I'm sure more parents would be concerned once they seen their child's grades.(my son wasn't the only child who didn't participate---phewww).
Anyway, this afternoon a note with sent home with the students explaining the food drive and how the points are classified as bonus points (0/0 to 100/0). Those who opted not to participate with the food drive has an opportunity to earn bonus points with a report on how the economy has affected their family or by volunteering to help during academic assist with the upcoming plastic bag collection or the toy collection that our school does in Decenber. (BTW-my son is back up to an A-

) I'm glad I was able to spend this morning with her-in a calm frame of mind-and together a happy medium was achieved.
I'm so glad that I didn't go up when I was upset or first became aware of the situation. We really had a good dicussion...on a positive level...and everything worked out without accusations or hard feelings.
Honey is better than vinegar