I think my marriage is falling apart...

[Kitty 34]

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you, Dax. I sure hope things work out for you.

 

[snoopy]

{{{Dax}}} - marriage is tough, even in the strongest of relationships.

You've been given excellent advice here, and I want to second believe's comment about letting the past stay in the past. I have difficulties with this myself, and I know its easier said than done.

Good luck to you and your husband.

 

[WDWFOREVER]

I have sent you a PM.

 

[MickeysMommy]

Hi Dax ~ First let me start off by saying that you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Now, let me say that Iwas in the same boat as you (well, kinda). My husband (now ex) was verbally abusive and controlling with me. But the strange thing is that I didn't really realize how serious it was until my mother asked me point blank if he was verbally abusive. We were married for a total of 4 years at our divorce but had been together almost 8. I finally decided on a date to leave for some time apart ~ me thinking that it would be good for us to be apart as we were always at each other, always arguing and me always being miserable. I left and he just watched me leave. He didn't tell me not to go, didn't put up a fight or anything. At first he didn't want to go through counseling but then he did do it. I am glad that we did so that I can say I tried. I also tried too hard. He never tried to make the marriage work. It was always me. He never told me to come home, never told me he missed me, nothing. So, in the end it was better for me (and him) to divorce.

I guess what I am trying to get at is that I am so glad you are going to counseling. I know alot of people that this has worked for. Keep yor chin up and remember that you are not alone. If you need anything just let us here know. Please know that I am praying for you. God Bless.

 

[KaterBell]

Dax,

Please stay strong - marriage is a 2 way street and YOU are NOT to blame for all of this. It sounds like your husband is an angry person who wants to put 100% of the blame on you b/c he can't handle the responsibility of marriage himself.

Prayers are with you.....

 

[Pebblszzz]

Dax,

I'm in tears after reading this thread - I don't even know you, but can relate to your pain.

Here's one great big {{{{{HUG}}}}}, and I hope you at least get a moment or two of a smile from it. You sound like you really need a reason to smile.

I'm no expert, but here's my advice anyway:

When my husband becomes irrational, I do the hardest thing imaginable. I convince myself it's HIS problem, not MINE - and I will say things like, "gee, honey - I sure am sorry you feel that way, I hope you feel better about it soon - is there anything I can do to make you feel better right now?"

That patronizing makes him realize what a jerk he's being, and he usually winds up saying he's sorry and explains the background behind his behavior - and we almost always figure out a solution.

Stick with the counseling, no matter what. You need to realize that you are, indeed, a good person - whether or not your husband realizes it. So what if you "mess things up" sometimes? we all do, nobody's an expert on EVERYTHING.

From what I read about HIS behavior, he has insecurity and self-esteem issues; and thinks that if he attacks someone else, there's at least ONE person worse than him. But that doesn't make it so. Don't let him convince you that you are anything less than spectacular!!!

I'll keep you both in my prayers.

 

[TRAPPED-PARENT]

It can be dangerous giving advice without knowing everything about the situation, but here are my 2 cents worth.

I think you need to concentrate on your own self-confidence. You need to focus on rebuilding yourself. Your husband is a very, very unhappy person (we don't know the reason) and he is transferring that unhappiness on you.

No one can make you feel anything, unless you allow them to.

I went through a period in my marriage which wasn't as bad as yours, but my husband was a very unhappy person and periodically would start to nit-pick about simply stupid things ... I finally reached a point when I realized that "I" wasn't the problem because it didn't matter what I did - it was HIM with the problem ... Much later I found out that he had something going with someone at his work (never did find out the full story) and the guilt was eating him up and so he lashed out at me!!! It was also when the kids were little and most of my focus was on them ... that also needed to change. That was many years ago.

We worked through that, but I have since been able to put things in perspective. When he starts off on a stupid tirade, I know that something is stressing him and I try to get him to talk about it. It is NEVER about what he is going on about ... it is usually that he is feeling stressed from work, health, etc. I don't automatically think it is ME.

I think it is wonderful that you are in counseling, but am surprised that the counselor hasn't focused on your self-esteem rather than the "side-effects" of low self-esteem.

Things may not work out in the end, but you need to focus on yourself ... your husband has a problem, and very likely it has little or nothing to do with you.

Hang in there and know that people care ... because you are a very, very special person!!!

 

[Tiger Lily 03]

Today my DH and me are celebrating our 26 years of marriage. As I read all of the posts here I also remember some of our rough spots. As has been said already, it takes two for any dispute. It also takes two to resolve the issues. It is never a one-sided. If it weren’t for my DH and his commitment to sticking with it and willingness to work out our difficulties we would not be together.

Medical assistance is a good thing and at least you are both realizing that there is medical help available. Continue with counseling. That is great. It is not for us to give you advice, but sharing of experiences is a healthy thing for everyone.

I have found that when DH and me start to get in dispute mode that I switch gears and make myself talk quietly and not angrily. I refuse to allow anyone to speak to or with me in anger. We may discuss, we may disagree, and sometimes we even agree to disagree and allow that we will never have the same opinion on a particular issue. We try to move forward with the challenge of solving the big issues and try to learn to let go of the small things that sometimes are bigger irritants than they should be. Communication is key and that you are both willing to try is certainly a plus.

Your got married because you were friends, sometimes friends don’t always agree, it is ok to not have the same opinion about everything. It is not ok to take it out on the other person continually.

It is not your fault. Don’t let yourself EVER think that. You are worth something here and bring value to your relationship.

Prayers and hugs to you.

 

[Pin Wizard]

No, things are NOT 100% your fault! He needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself. And adding depression to the equation only makes it worse. It's good you're both going for counseling. But DON'T let him dump it all on you!!!

 

[suzannen]

You've been given some very good advice here so I won't repeat it, but just acknowledge to yourself that depression can add such a tremendous burden to a relationship. And, in your case, you are both suffering from it to some degree. My sister has battled depression for years and when she is in her lowest phase, likewise her marital relationship is at its lowest level. You may not be able to help your husband's depression, but you CAN concentrate on lifting your own depression whether through medication, counseling, and/or exercise...so that mentally YOU (and your self-esteem) will be stronger and you will be better able to start to rebuild your marriage. My therapist used to use the analogy of when on a plane and flight attendants say "if the air masks come down, put them on yourself first before putting them on your children." If you have passed out due to lack of oxygen, you're not going to be able to help anyone else. So spend time with the air mask on you 1st and then put it on your husband. Good luck!

 

[kdibattista]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope everything works out.

 

[stego]

and that, in time, the answers will be revealed.

However, you have some serious questions that need some resolution.
I particularly noted the line about him hating your guts.
I don't think any of us here have the answers for you, but certainly there are mental health professionals out there who can help you with your relationship difficulties.
If he does hate your guts, well, that in itself is something to talk about.
Do you have some close friends that you can share your feelings with? And also talk about the direction YOU want to go in?
During your brief description, you stated you do so many things wrong.
I'm afraid you are at the point where he can't see the "good" in you.
I know in my own experience about looking through the "rose colored glasses."
It would seem that he has his own issues that have nothing to do with you, and so it's up to you to recognize that.
Taking care of YOU should be the first step in the right direction.
Though it can be painful, one of the things I learned by being married is that people can change. However, how they change, and whether they choose to do so is another thing entirely.
This life is too short to be in the situation you are in.
If you think you deserve to be happy, then it is your responsibility to be in a place where you can attract the right kind of man.
Telling you how you're messing up, hating your guts is not a happy life.
You can find it within yourself to pull up your bootstraps and find the happiness you so much deserve.
The work is in front of you.
However, you are not alone.
Keep hanging in there!

 

[SonjaB]

I have nothing to add to what the others have said, I just wanted to give you another {{{{{HUG}}}}}

 

[Pebblszzz]

Me too.

{{{{{{{{Huggerzzzz!!!}}}}}}}}