I think my cousein has lost her mind

[Myothername]

First off, my cousin and I are really good friends. We work together, live by each other, etc. She is a super nice person but I think she is making a mistake. She wants to go back to school to get another degree. She has a good job now and makes good money. It is not a money issue.

But one of her children age 7 is having major school problems. He is failing 2nd greade. Has been tested and has ADHD and dyslexia. The testing was done 3 months ago and he is on medication which has helped but he is still failing. They advised her to get further testing for the dyslexia and hopefully get him admitted to a special school in our area. Has she taken any steps to do this? No. I told her that the waiting list for this school is probably at least 100 kids. She just says yeah I need to get on that.

She is already gone from home 2-3 nights a week for other activities which she will not give up. Her husband helps but he works long hours too. I just feel by her going to school, even part time, she will be taking more time away from her kids especially now when they really need her.

Anyone have experience with this? I gently tell her when the subject comes up that maybe she needs to be at home more with her son to help with school. Really. I never bring it up. I wait for her to because I don't want to be pushy. I have suggested she give up the hobby that takes her away from home 2-3 nights a week and she says but that is all I have. Maybe I am wrong but my kids were always priority one with me. I don't judge her to her face and don't want to ever do that. But you would think she would see that her kids are her first job.

I am not going to jump into this with her. I wait until it comes up like I said but I just don't know what else to say to her. She says this degree will allow her to give her kids more. I told her maybe what they need right now is her time. She didn't say anything to that.

 

[MinnieTink]

Actually I agree with you. My DD10 was struggling in school and it was truly up to me to help her. Not her dad or grandparents who all did what they could. It was MY help she needed. I changed my hours at work (thanks to my great employer) and work days to be with my family at night. It's what you do for your children. If I was her I would not take on more with school and I would take a break from the hobby.

I think you have done what you can. You have tried to nudge her in the right direction. She's a grown woman and will make her decisions.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

First off, my cousin and I are really good friends. We work together, live by each other, etc. She is a super nice person but I think she is making a mistake. She wants to go back to school to get another degree. She has a good job now and makes good money. It is not a money issue.

But one of her children age 7 is having major school problems. He is failing 2nd greade. Has been tested and has ADHD and dyslexia. The testing was done 3 months ago and he is on medication which has helped but he is still failing. They advised her to get further testing for the dyslexia and hopefully get him admitted to a special school in our area. Has she taken any steps to do this? No. I told her that the waiting list for this school is probably at least 100 kids. She just says yeah I need to get on that.

She is already gone from home 2-3 nights a week for other activities which she will not give up. Her husband helps but he works long hours too. I just feel by her going to school, even part time, she will be taking more time away from her kids especially now when they really need her.

Anyone have experience with this? I gently tell her when the subject comes up that maybe she needs to be at home more with her son to help with school. Really. I never bring it up. I wait for her to because I don't want to be pushy. I have suggested she give up the hobby that takes her away from home 2-3 nights a week and she says but that is all I have. Maybe I am wrong but my kids were always priority one with me. I don't judge her to her face and don't want to ever do that. But you would think she would see that her kids are her first job.

I am not going to jump into this with her. I wait until it comes up like I said but I just don't know what else to say to her. She says this degree will allow her to give her kids more. I told her maybe what they need right now is her time. She didn't say anything to that.

Honestly, what can you say? It is her life afterall.

Frankly, I would not even want to hear about it. I would have to tune that out because I would say things to her to that she probably would not like and we would not be "good friends" anymore.

 

[DVCLiz]

First off, my cousin and I are really good friends. We work together, live by each other, etc. She is a super nice person but I think she is making a mistake. She wants to go back to school to get another degree. She has a good job now and makes good money. It is not a money issue.

But one of her children age 7 is having major school problems. He is failing 2nd greade. Has been tested and has ADHD and dyslexia. The testing was done 3 months ago and he is on medication which has helped but he is still failing. They advised her to get further testing for the dyslexia and hopefully get him admitted to a special school in our area. Has she taken any steps to do this? No. I told her that the waiting list for this school is probably at least 100 kids. She just says yeah I need to get on that.

She is already gone from home 2-3 nights a week for other activities which she will not give up. Her husband helps but he works long hours too. I just feel by her going to school, even part time, she will be taking more time away from her kids especially now when they really need her.

Anyone have experience with this? I gently tell her when the subject comes up that maybe she needs to be at home more with her son to help with school. Really. I never bring it up. I wait for her to because I don't want to be pushy. I have suggested she give up the hobby that takes her away from home 2-3 nights a week and she says but that is all I have. Maybe I am wrong but my kids were always priority one with me. I don't judge her to her face and don't want to ever do that. But you would think she would see that her kids are her first job.

I am not going to jump into this with her. I wait until it comes up like I said but I just don't know what else to say to her. She says this degree will allow her to give her kids more. I told her maybe what they need right now is her time. She didn't say anything to that.

Is she the best person to help him with his academic work? Maybe what he really needs is a tutor, in which case his mom might not be the best choice.

I'm not saying it wouldn't be best for this child to have more mom time, but I ran into this attitude a lot when I worked full time. There were a lot of moms who couldn't see that in some cases another person could have just as easily provided whatever service it was - they thought in order to be a good mom you HAD to be the one to drive every carpool, go on every field trip, help with homework, etc.

It really was brought home to me when my daughter was enrolled in a ballet class in first or second grade. I had my mom pick her up from school and take her, but my friend did it for her own child. As she said, "I want to be the one sitting on the bench outside the ballet room." My thought, on the other hand, was "I'm so glad my daughter is inside that room learning ballet and having fun and it doesn't matter AT ALL who is sitting on the bench outside."

You're either a bench sitter or you're not - if it's really important to you you will never be convinced otherwise.

Maybe that mom is looking down the road and seeing that an advanced degree really WILL help her son in the long run. In this economy getting more education and providing a more solid financial footing is nothing to sneeze at. I'd put it ahead of a second grader's ADHD and dyslexia, anyway. I can medicate and tutor but I can't guarantee that a good job will always be there.

Just my two cents....

 

[Myothername]

Is she the best person to help him with his academic work? Maybe what he really needs is a tutor, in which case his mom might not be the best choice.

I'm not saying it wouldn't be best for this child to have more mom time, but I ran into this attitude a lot when I worked full time. There were a lot of moms who couldn't see that in some cases another person could have just as easily provided whatever service it was - they thought in order to be a good mom you HAD to be the one to drive every carpool, go on every field trip, help with homework, etc.

It really was brought home to me when my daughter was enrolled in a ballet class in first or second grade. I had my mom pick her up from school and take her, but my friend did it for her own child. As she said, "I want to be the one sitting on the bench outside the ballet room." My thought, on the other hand, was "I'm so glad my daughter is inside that room learning ballet and having fun and it doesn't matter AT ALL who is sitting on the bench outside."

You're either a bench sitter or you're not - if it's really important to you you will never be convinced otherwise.

Maybe that mom is looking down the road and seeing that an advanced degree really WILL help her son in the long run. In this economy getting more education and providing a more solid financial footing is nothing to sneeze at. I'd put it ahead of a second grader's ADHD and dyslexia, anyway. I can medicate and tutor but I can't guarantee that a good job will always be there.

Just my two cents....

Thanks. I really appreciate your perspective on this. He is getting after school tutoring which has helped pull up his grades but he is still in danger of being held back in 2nd grade. He really needs to be in this special school but I can't force her to take the steps to get him there. But you can guarantee in 10 years if he is a juvenile delinquent and she is asking me what happened, I will be telling her.

 

[lovesmurfs]

I agree that the hobby may be too much in addition to returning to school. However, I disagree that she's lost her mind....

I returned to school for my masters degree the same month my DH deployed to Afghanistan (planned before his orders came along). Both kids (then - DS13 and DD7) have ADHD (medicated -- adderall) and had school and homework issues. My mother was adamantly against my starting classes.

However, returning to school was the best possible thing for me to do for me and my kids. One night a week, I was able to spend 4 hours with people moving in the same direction I was. The three of us (me, DS and DD) had "homework sessions" around the kitchen table and it was really good for them to see me serious about writing papers and doing homework.

If she does go for a full degree, she'll likely find out the hobby's too much, on her own.

 

[Myothername]

I agree that the hobby may be too much in addition to returning to school. However, I disagree that she's lost her mind....

I returned to school for my masters degree the same month my DH deployed to Afghanistan (planned before his orders came along). Both kids (then - DS13 and DD7) have ADHD (medicated -- adderall) and had school and homework issues. My mother was adamantly against my starting classes.

However, returning to school was the best possible thing for me to do for me and my kids. One night a week, I was able to spend 4 hours with people moving in the same direction I was. The three of us (me, DS and DD) had "homework sessions" around the kitchen table and it was really good for them to see me serious about writing papers and doing homework.

If she does go for a full degree, she'll likely find out the hobby's too much, on her own.

If she was just going to school I would be so behind her on this. But she is already gone 2-3 nights a week every week. I think she is justifying her being away from home even more by saying it is best for her kids. I doubt they will care if they have a few extra video games in 5 years.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If she was just going to school I would be so behind her on this. But she is already gone 2-3 nights a week every week. I think she is justifying her being away from home even more by saying it is best for her kids. I doubt they will care if they have a few extra video games in 5 years.

While I agree with you, it is really a case of MYOB.

 

[Myothername]

While I agree with you, it is really a case of MYOB.

You are right. But another wrinkle is she and her husband may be getting a divorce. She has assumed that she would get full custody of the kids and he would get visitation, she would get the house, etc. Talking to a lawyer friend yesterday and he said it is not written she would get all that. And now if she is thinking of going to school I am thinking her husband might should have the kids and she get visitation in between her busy schedule.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You are right. But another wrinkle is she and her husband may be getting a divorce. She has assumed that she would get full custody of the kids and he would get visitation, she would get the house, etc. Talking to a lawyer friend yesterday and he said it is not written she would get all that. And now if she is thinking of going to school I am thinking her husband might should have the kids and she get visitation in between her busy schedule.

With this info you are giving I would tell you to seriously keep your mouth shut. When she speaks, just nod and smile and say, "I don't know" a lot.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Sounds like she is having to deal with a whole lot and probably just needs a supportive friend...

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

My instinct is this--

If it were her husband doing this instead of her, would you still be upset?

If yes--then your feelings are spot on. If no, then it is bias just b/c she is mom and unfair to her.

I'm all about moms staying home and blah blah blah blah.

But I get in a snit when I as a mom am looked at poorly for doing something for myself and if it were my husband noone would bat an eye.

Why can't her husband be home for them more? Why mom?

I'd stay out of it.

And if they are getting a divorce, my answer does not change. It's always the moms expected to sacrifice and it isn't right.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

But you can guarantee in 10 years if he is a juvenile delinquent and she is asking me what happened, I will be telling her.

Would you also be telling her where her husband went wrong?

It's just not nice that you plan to do that as though you are blaming her for everything.

Heck, she wants to go to school and you think her husband should have custody as a result. I'm far from a feminist but....that's just wrong. You really need to MYOB now, and 10 years from now.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Actually I agree with you. My DD10 was struggling in school and it was truly up to me to help her. Not her dad

Respectfully, it IS equally up to her dad. He's as much her parent as you are.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I am not going to jump into this with her. I wait until it comes up like I said but I just don't know what else to say to her.

"You know I love you, but you have children who NEED you, and your time. Your hobby isn't the "only thing you have; you have a loving family, and if you nee to sacrifice your interests and desires for them right now when they need you most, then that's what you need to do. Neither your hobby, nor your anticipated degree, will help anybody but you".

You want me to call her for you?

 

[lillygator]

what is she doing the other 2=3 nights a week?

 

[MinnieTink]

Respectfully, it IS equally up to her dad. He's as much her parent as you are.

Maybe I didn't word that correctly. He helps as much as possible. I am the one that gets thru to her. Just like when I was a kid if I had homework issues I would go to my dad. My mom would confuse me more...!! LOL. In my family I am the schoolwork helper.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Maybe that mom is looking down the road and seeing that an advanced degree really WILL help her son in the long run. In this economy getting more education and providing a more solid financial footing is nothing to sneeze at. I'd put it ahead of a second grader's ADHD and dyslexia, anyway. I can medicate and tutor but I can't guarantee that a good job will always be there.

But you can guarantee in 10 years if he is a juvenile delinquent and she is asking me what happened, I will be telling her.

Wow, it sounds like you're just waiting for things to go wrong so that you can say I told you so.

You are right. But another wrinkle is she and her husband may be getting a divorce. She has assumed that she would get full custody of the kids and he would get visitation, she would get the house, etc. Talking to a lawyer friend yesterday and he said it is not written she would get all that. And now if she is thinking of going to school I am thinking her husband might should have the kids and she get visitation in between her busy schedule.

She sounds like a proactive woman to me. If she gets a divorce and gets custody, who is to say that her ex will make child support payments on time? Another degree may mean a higher salary. A higher salary may mean she won't have to depend on child support. Believe me as a single mom, not having to depend on child support is a good thing.

I just don't see how going back to school is a bad thing.

 

[pyrxtc]

I say you should leave it alone and MYOB ! It is none of your business and some people need a life outside of their kids to survive.

Don't wait and say " I told you so!", why don't you say " what can I do to help you now?" Dealing with the kids, work, school, and a divorce has got to be killing her and unless you know ever detail of her life (trust me, you don't) then you should just back off.

 

[RadioNate]

Really MYOB. Nothing good can come of this. You really think that being held back in 2nd grade will turn this kid into a delinquent? It might be the best thing for him. Give him time to mature and catch up. Holding back is often a GOOD thing for struggling students.

The woman may be getting a divorce? I'd think HER going back to school would be a very SMART move right now. Who knows if she could keep up a 2-3 night a week hobby with a full class load? I doubt it. But more power to her if she can!

I know you care because you love her and her children but try to support her...not tell her what you would do in her shoes.

You can be a good mom and love and support your children without being with them 24/7.