I think I just might skip Christmas

[Deffenm]

We have not fully skipped Christmas but each year one child loses a present(s) and has to donate it. So far they are doing really good this year and they might all actually get to keep all of their gifts.

Now Halloween and Birthday parties are another story. My boys have not gotten to go Trick-or-Treating in 2 years. DS8 lost his birthday party last year and has now lost his birthday party this year. We still give him gifts and a cake but he does not get to have friends over and have a big party, only family with some cake.

Our kids don't have to like us but they will respect us. They get mad at us when they are punished but then a few hours later they are apologizing and saying that they love us. They know what we do is because we love them and want them to be better. There is nothing fun about telling your friends why you can't have a party, Trick or Treat, doing lots of chores (laundry, dishes, scrubbing bathrooms) or why your dad is sitting in your classroom with you, but if it means our kids will be productive memebers of society and not end up in jail, then we will do it.

So do what you feel is right.

 

[NYPDwife]

We have not fully skipped Christmas but each year one child loses a present(s) and has to donate it. So far they are doing really good this year and they might all actually get to keep all of their gifts.

Now Halloween and Birthday parties are another story. My boys have not gotten to go Trick-or-Treating in 2 years. DS8 lost his birthday party last year and has now lost his birthday party this year. We still give him gifts and a cake but he does not get to have friends over and have a big party, only family with some cake.

Our kids don't have to like us but they will respect us. They get mad at us when they are punished but then a few hours later they are apologizing and saying that they love us. They know what we do is because we love them and want them to be better. There is nothing fun about telling your friends why you can't have a party, Trick or Treat, doing lots of chores (laundry, dishes, scrubbing bathrooms) or why your dad is sitting in your classroom with you, but if it means our kids will be productive memebers of society and not end up in jail, then we will do it.

So do what you feel is right.

 

[2cats1kid]

btw you said your youngest is ADD/ODD, I know what ADD is but what is ODD? pardon my ignorance.

ODD = oppositional defiance disorder. Which is pretty much what it sounds like.

 

[dismom2]

It does sound tempting considering what you posted. Have you sat your kids down and had a real heart-to-heart talk with them?
I know that kids can be moody and unpleasant, but telling you off and swearing at you in front of everybody is totally unacceptable. What have you done in the past to deal with that behavior? Why are they acting out so badly? Where are they learning this? Do they hang around with kids who have this behavior? I suppose you will have to get to the bottom of that, one way or another. But, since Christmas is so close, I wouldn't skip it (though you have every right to feel that way). I would keep it simple. Is there anything you can think of to get them in the Christmas spirit, to lift their moods? I like the idea of having them do charity work, too. Hope it gets better for you---kids need to have respect for their parents, even if they are moody. There's a line they shouldn't cross, and it sounds like they have. Good luck.

 

[missypie]

Here's an idea. Start a calendar for each of them -(don't tie one child's behavior to a reward or punishment to the other.) There are 10 days until Christmas. Tell each of then that they can open presents on the later of Christmas day or the day that they have 7 days of good behavior. One child might get to open presents on the 26th, the other on the 29th.

 

[luvsJack]

We have not fully skipped Christmas but each year one child loses a present(s) and has to donate it. So far they are doing really good this year and they might all actually get to keep all of their gifts.

Now Halloween and Birthday parties are another story. My boys have not gotten to go Trick-or-Treating in 2 years. DS8 lost his birthday party last year and has now lost his birthday party this year. We still give him gifts and a cake but he does not get to have friends over and have a big party, only family with some cake.

Our kids don't have to like us but they will respect us. They get mad at us when they are punished but then a few hours later they are apologizing and saying that they love us. They know what we do is because we love them and want them to be better. There is nothing fun about telling your friends why you can't have a party, Trick or Treat, doing lots of chores (laundry, dishes, scrubbing bathrooms) or why your dad is sitting in your classroom with you, but if it means our kids will be productive memebers of society and not end up in jail, then we will do it.

So do what you feel is right.

I am just curious, not judging (your kids, your rules, your discipline): if a child loses a present every year, they haven't gone trick or treating in 2 years and are still losing birthday parties; do you really think these measures are working?

I mean, your post just sounds like you have had to take some really drastic measures over and over again.

 

[HeatherH]

well quite honestly, I spanked her mouth and she deserved it.

the youngest only calls me a monster and he hates me when we make him take responsibility for himself and his actions - the ODD is like fighting with a wall.

They get punishments handed down like car keys taken, all electronics out of the youngest' rooms, no bike, no tv, no computer, etc.

It just starts all over again because neither will care what's taken away, kwim?

You "spanked her mouth"? Is that another way of saying you slapped her?

I have a teen daughter with Asperger's, and trust me, she can try every end of my patience. So I DO understand the frustration.

But I can't imagine ever slapping her. And more importantly, that slapping her would have any effect on her behavior except for her to resent me even more.

It does sound like the whole family would benefit from some counseling. If taking things away doesn't change the behavior (and believe me, I've been there, done that too) then withholding Christmas probably won't have much of an effect either. There needs to be some fundamental changes in the family dynamics. I think counseling will help YOU figure out ways to cope with each of your kids, and perhaps it will open up their eyes to how their behavior affects you.

Good luck to you. I seriously do understand the sheer frustration of what you are dealing with. I hope you can find a way to make it better.

 

[inkedupmomma]

I am just curious, not judging (your kids, your rules, your discipline): if a child loses a present every year, they haven't gone trick or treating in 2 years and are still losing birthday parties; do you really think these measures are working?

I mean, your post just sounds like you have had to take some really drastic measures over and over again.

Yeah. I'm gonna have to totally agree with you on this. It made my mind go

 

[disneybound2012]

I have read through most of these post and while I understand the frustration, I have yet to see anybody mention that the discpline starts at home with the parents. I am a single parent with two kids 11 & 8. My kids are no angels by no means and I am definately not the best parent. When my kids start disrepecting me it is usually because I didn't respect them and guide them in the direction they needed to go. They are crying out to be a part of my life that I shut them out of. We are examples for our children, so that makes us responsible for they way they act. God chose us as parents for specific kids and it is our job to mold them, guide them, teach them right from wrong and let thier personalities develop through that. Taking Christmas away or the gift side of it is ok if you really believe that is the problem. Just make sure they rememeber the real meaning of Christmas and what Christmas is truly about.

 

[Briarmom]

I am just curious, not judging (your kids, your rules, your discipline): if a child loses a present every year, they haven't gone trick or treating in 2 years and are still losing birthday parties; do you really think these measures are working?

I mean, your post just sounds like you have had to take some really drastic measures over and over again.

I'm with you. And these kids are really young. 8 years old and they don't get to Trick or Treat or have birthday parties?

 

[It'sWDW4me]

Oh, Lori, you're really having a horrible fall/early winter aren't you?

My DS really got to me last night with his mouth and attitude - I completely understand what you're going through. Well, maybe not completely because I only have the one kid pushing my buttons.

I would sit them both down and calmly explain to them that their behavior is completely unacceptable. There is 8 full days until Christmas and you are simply one more mouthing off from them away from taking their presents back/donating them. If either one of them mouths off/is rude/disrespectful until Christmas, neither one will get ANYTHING. And then I would follow through. Yeah, I know what it's like to be at that point.

Now before someone goes and says how horrible it would be to yank presents from one because of the other's behavior - I say:
1. They're both guilty of the horrid behavior so both have equally contributed to the extent of your current extreme frustration.
2. They're going to keep tabs on each other so that the other doesn't "blow it".
3. They're going to watch their own behavior because... well I know my brother would have killed me if I did something to jeopardize his Christmas

I think that's a win-win-win situation.

to you Lori. We'll raise these kids to be responsible adults or die trying, right?!?

 

[NYPDwife]

I've never heard of ODD but I just looked it up. Sounds like my friend's son. When I was younger, they didn't have all of these "terms" for basically being a bad ***. I don't blame you for slapping your child's mouth. If my kids have something fresh to say to me or catch an attitude, you best believe I'm backhanding you on your mouth so you can hurt for a bit. There's no reason for a child to speak to a parent in a disrespectful manner and I can't stand when I see kids yelling at their parents.

to you. I hope everthing gets better. And you do what YOU think is best.

 

[wdwfan16]

I am just curious, not judging (your kids, your rules, your discipline): if a child loses a present every year, they haven't gone trick or treating in 2 years and are still losing birthday parties; do you really think these measures are working?

I mean, your post just sounds like you have had to take some really drastic measures over and over again.

ITA


To the op - My parents did stupid stuff like this. Guess what it DID NOT WORK. They took away the bike I wanted for my birthday and a party another year. I wanted a camera for Christmas and they did not get it. When they gave me the bike later that year I hardly rode it. I hate the thing. When I got the camera the next Christmas, I just opened it and put it aside. They were pissed I was not jumping for joy over it. Why should I? That camera just opened the wound again from the previous Christmas.

Fast forward a few decades and we still do not have a good relationship. Why? Because they lost my trust with the crap they pulled.

I was not a perfect child but I never tried a single cigarette, never smoked a joint, never took any drugs, never skipped school, exceled in my studies, never snuck out at night, worked a job during the school year and babysat my younger sister when they went out. Others would tell them how they wished their kids were like me yet my parents treated me like a complete screw up. I was mouthy, just like they were to others. I was definitely their kid.

 

[missypie]

OP, I couldn't get your post out of my mind. I really think you all need professional counseling. It sounds like you're trying very hard but are out of ideas. The right professional might be able to help.

 

[Briarmom]

OP, I couldn't get your post out of my mind. I really think you all need professional counseling. It sounds like you're trying very hard but are out of ideas. The right professional might be able to help.

This is excellent advice. I've been thinking of the OP as well. I just can't imagine my kids swearing at me or calling me names.

 

[inkedupmomma]

I've never heard of ODD but I just looked it up. Sounds like my friend's son. When I was younger, they didn't have all of these "terms" for basically being a bad ***. I don't blame you for slapping your child's mouth. If my kids have something fresh to say to me or catch an attitude, you best believe I'm backhanding you on your mouth so you can hurt for a bit. There's no reason for a child to speak to a parent in a disrespectful manner and I can't stand when I see kids yelling at their parents.

to you. I hope everthing gets better. And you do what YOU think is best.

First I would like to point out that she slapped her daughters mouth. Not her ODD son. Secondly, ODD is not basically just bad behavior. Dig a little deeper on your research of it and you will soon realize it is much more than that. Thirdly, why oh why would any of you ever encourage spanking/slapping/abuse of any form, on a public forum no less? There are laws against this. I know the laws have gotten a bit out of hand, but your logic of "backhanding you on your mouth so you can hurt for a bit" is crazy? You intentionally want to make your child hurt for a bit?? Hitting them is not going to make them respect you, it is going to make them resent you, and teach them that hitting is what you should do when you are not in control of a situation.

As Dis moms we should be encouraging each other on healthy ways to deal with our children.

well quite honestly, I spanked her mouth and she deserved it.

 

[inkedupmomma]

ITA


To the op - My parents did stupid stuff like this. Guess what it DID NOT WORK. They took away the bike I wanted for my birthday and a party another year. I wanted a camera for Christmas and they did not get it. When they gave me the bike later that year I hardly rode it. I hate the thing. When I got the camera the next Christmas, I just opened it and put it aside. They were pissed I was not jumping for joy over it. Why should I? That camera just opened the wound again from the previous Christmas.

Fast forward a few decades and we still do not have a good relationship. Why? Because they lost my trust with the crap they pulled.

I was not a perfect child but I never tried a single cigarette, never smoked a joint, never took any drugs, never skipped school, exceled in my studies, never snuck out at night, worked a job during the school year and babysat my younger sister when they went out. Others would tell them how they wished their kids were like me yet my parents treated me like a complete screw up. I was mouthy, just like they were to others. I was definitely their kid.

this made me sad for you

 

[Holly]

First I would like to point out that she slapped her daughters mouth. Not her ODD son. Secondly, ODD is not basically just bad behavior. Dig a little deeper on your research of it and you will soon realize it is much more than that. Thirdly, why oh why would any of you ever encourage spanking/slapping/abuse of any form, on a public forum no less? There are laws against this. I know the laws have gotten a bit out of hand, but your logic of "backhanding you on your mouth so you can hurt for a bit" is crazy? You intentionally want to make your child hurt for a bit?? Hitting them is not going to make them respect you, it is going to make them resent you, and teach them that hitting is what you should do when you are not in control of a situation.

As Dis moms we should be encouraging each other on healthy ways to deal with our children.

Great post and I agree.


If one of the children has an ODD diagnosis than the issue becomes more complicated. No amount of punishment is going to be effective in dealing with a child with ODD.
Being the sibling a child with ODD is no bed of roses, either.

Given the special circumstances I would strongly advise against the OP canceling Christmas. There seems to be more going on than a simple case of rude children.

Good luck, OP. It took a lot of guts to come post this and I wish your family the best. I agree with the previous posters who recommended family therapy.

 

[wdwfan16]

this made me sad for you

Don't be sad. God puts all kinds of people in our lives to make us learn the lessons we need.

I learned how not to treat others. I met the most wonderful man and have a life that I thought only happens in fairy tales.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I know everyone has different parenting styles and I respect this difference. However, in my world the more I want to hit, the harder I hug, the more compliments I give and the more "I love you"s that come out of my mouth.

I would not deprive them of Christmas. This Holy Day is a celebration of our Faith, and since it is my Faith which has carried me so often in life the last thing I would ever do would be drive a wedge between that source of solace and my kids. But this is just my take on it, to each their own. Good luck.