I Really Need Some HELP.

[grlpwrd]

I can understand why you want to remain anonymous. The problem is very common, though.

Maybe this site might help you: www.marriagebuilders.com .

GL!

 

[sunlver]

I can certainly understand where you are coming from. I have not read all the posts yet. I have been married 12 yrs, and I can not remember the last time I felt in love with my husband. I have no desire to feel romantic with him as well. Most of the time when he touches me it makes me want to gringe. We have so many differences its not even funny. I have 3 kids, and a sahm. As the kids get older, more and more differences come up. I honestly feel we have no business being together, the only thing in common we have our the kids, and that is no lie.
We never spend any quality time together , unless you call sleeping in the same bed quality time. We dont ever go to bed at the same time. I go to bed alone each and every night.
We go out and do stuff as a family, but once we are home, he goes his way I go mine. I mean hes usually in the garage tinkering with his car, and Im in the house with the kids. This is no way to live a life. I talked to him about separating, but he does not want to. He feels there is nothing wrong with our marriage ...

Anyways, Im sorry I could not give you any words of wisdom, just know I can understand where you are coming from.

 

[poohandwendy]

I can certainly understand where you are coming from. I have not read all the posts yet. I have been married 12 yrs, and I can not remember the last time I felt in love with my husband. I have no desire to feel romantic with him as well. Most of the time when he touches me it makes me want to gringe. We have so many differences its not even funny. I have 3 kids, and a sahm. As the kids get older, more and more differences come up. I honestly feel we have no business being together, the only thing in common we have our the kids, and that is no lie.
We never spend any quality time together , unless you call sleeping in the same bed quality time. We dont ever go to bed at the same time. I go to bed alone each and every night.
We go out and do stuff as a family, but once we are home, he goes his way I go mine. I mean hes usually in the garage tinkering with his car, and Im in the house with the kids. This is no way to live a life. I talked to him about separating, but he does not want to. He feels there is nothing wrong with our marriage ...

Anyways, Im sorry I could not give you any words of wisdom, just know I can understand where you are coming from.

I hope you can find a way to resolve your unhappiness. Whatever it is, I imagine that is a very lonely life.

 

[CheshireVal]

Is he going thru anything right now or depressed? I know when my dh is sleeping on the couch he is usually wrapped up in himself and his issues. We have had alot lately. But I am older and wiser now, and know to give comfort to him.

It is very, very, lonely sleeping on the couch. Remember that. He is just as miserable as you are.

I would stop dragging him "out to help you". Just stop. When you do that he is now one of the kids. I think husbands like to fall into that sometimes. Then they are not feeling very "husbandy" but childlike. You stop seeing him as "your man", he stops acting like it, etc....

You sound like my brother and SIL. They are now divorcing.

"Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" is the perfect book for you. Read it, follow it, even though you don't want to. Get your marriage back on track and then the rest of the train will follow.
This is where the grit comes in....work on it, becuase it is so worth it!! My kids are 9 & almost 15. What a short time they are with you. We have such enjoyment together watching them grow.

That book basically tells wives to cook, clean, take care of the kids-- do it all without a husband's help and smile the whole time. I don't think that's really going to help the OP at this point... only make her more resentful.

I don't think that kind of subservient marriage works for everyone, especially not when the wife works full-time. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask a husband to help out with things.... any man who isn't willing to do that, in my opinion, isn't really a man.

OP, I hope you can work this out. I do think counseling will really help.

 

[BethR]

Every summer I would take my kids and visit with my parents for a week. I remember one year - oh maybe about 15 years ago or so - sitting there and CRYING because I just did not want to go home. Thinking of being with my DH left me cold and I just could not think of one think that appealed to me about being married to him.

Well, thank goodness I had parents who believed in tough love ("No, you CAN'T stay here. Yes, you HAVE to go back home, you need to work on your relationship with Bill and on your marriage!") and I went home. I remember being concerned because "How could I show him that I was happy to be home and that I had missed him?" But somehow I made it through.

I think that this is definately a "phase" that most of us go through some time in our lives. You have got to keep your eye on the prize - a stable, if not always happy, home for your family.

 

[mom2boys]

As others have said, you will get through this. Do NOT act on your feelings for your co-worker. If you had to wash his undies and cook his dinner, he wouldn't be any more attractive than your hubby.
Your kids are young. I too have gone through phases like yours. I stuck it out and have come to realize what a wonderful man DH is. It is so difficult when the kids are that small. Ours are older now & it does get better.
PErhaps you could get some help with the chores - either from your hubby or by hiring outside help. Could you possibly work part-time? If these aren't doable, look for other ways to simplify your life. An affiar will not simplify things. In fact, you could lose everything - including your kids.

 

[FreshTressa]

I don't usually respond to posts like these, but this time I just had to. I have been where you are and I can tell you that you can get through this. Whatever you do, do not act on any feelings you think you may have for anyone else. Get counseling now - do not put it on the back burner because you are too busy. This is truly more important than cleaning, laundry, cooking dinner - everything! Go by yourself at first, to sort out how you really feel from what you are feeling due to being overwhelmed by your life right now.

After some solo counseling, get your husband to join you. After you have both been through some counseling, then you can start to make a clear decision about what you really want, versus what you think you want in your present stressed out state.

This worked out for us and I can honestly tell you now, after being married 20+ years, that I am happier than ever. We all are. It was work, don't get me wrong, but looking back, I can clearly see that I was stressed out, overwhelmed, feeling totally unappreciated, and looking for something to make me feel better. What I realized through counseling was that I had all the ingredients necessary to be happy, I just had to mix them up a little differently than they were.

Good luck to you. I hope it all works out for the best.

Yes...I, too, have fallen out of love with DH. I did not want to even be in the same room with him, much less kiss him. I thought for sure it was over. He read a book and changed a couple of little things, and we are doing okay now. Things aren't perfect, but we are a family, and we try to help each other out.

But honestly, no matter how rotten and stressful things seem, things are better with him than without him.

If you can weather this..you will come out happier for it!

Realize that the other guy will have his problems too...just different ones. No relationship is perfect and they all have problems. Remember how amazing you thought your husband was before you got married and you realized all of his flaws?

As long as he is kind hearted and respectful of you, you really should work on it before you throw in the towel. You would not get rid of a car just because it needed fixing...you'd pay for a mechanic first to try to salvage it. Pay for a counselor (cheaper than a divorce!) and at least try first!

Whatever you do, good luck! And try to take some time for yourself or yourself and DH so you can relieve some of the stress.

Oh....men like my husband are notorious about neglecting us when something bad is going on at work, and then they don't tell you why they are grumpy, because they really don't know. Things aren't right, and they don't know how to articulate what it is.

 

[gris gris]

Hi, I was where you are now about 2 years ago. and and want you to know that this can be worked out. DH & I are VERY different, we grew up differently, different levels of education & careers, have different likes, opinions, etc....when I first met him everyone told me I'd get bored with him, I wouldn't stay in love with him, etc.....that was 12 years ago.

2 years ago we were really having a rough time. Our daughter was 1 1/2, he wasn't helping me at all, we both work full time, etc......I have some OCD tendencies in regards to cleaning, things being in their place, etc...DH being the opposite, doesn't have these tendencies. Things come off where he's standing, boots get left where he takes them off, dishes sit in the sink. I began thinking about my old boyfriend, how much I missed him, how great we were together, etc....even thought about trying to find him to see what is going on in his life now. Maybe he felt the same way! I never acted on this and got to counseling as quickly as I could.

DH also avoided talking about things as much as he could. I'm a talker, he's not. When I would tell him that his boots lying in the middle of the floor bothered me, he'd tell me it doesn't bother him, and therefore he didn't understand why it bothered me so much.

Anyhow, we agreed on counseling but I wanted to go by myself first to find out if the issues were mine, his or both of ours. Around that time we were going on our yearly race vacation and I was dreading being alone with him. Anyhow when I talked with the counselor the first time, she asked if I wanted to be divorced and I said "if we didn't have a child, yes I would like to be divorced". And I cried so much, because I was trying to think of things that I loved about him, and couldn't. Then I realized maybe I never did love him, we were young and so different from each other. The things I loved when I was 20, drove me crazy when I was 30. Anyhow he started coming to counseling and spilled his guts to her. I was treating him like a child, I was the boss, I never listen, it was my way or the highway. And it was all true. I resented him for things he didn't do but never focused on things he did do. My DH is a very level headed person, kind, sensitive, honest, caring, etc....he has qualities about him that I'm not sure every man has. And these are the qualities that I loved about him but had forgotten about as daily life & chores got in the way.

I'm sorry this is so long. I just want you to know that counseling works and that marriage is hard and you might not really be "falling out of love". It's just that all these daily things with being a parent, a wife, a working woman, etc....get in the way.

So in the end our counselor had us agree to a few things: we each get 1 night out per week. he goes out on Tuesdays and I go out on Wednesdays. We do whatever we want - he usually goes to the firehouse, I go out with friends, get errands done, etc...by the time I get home our daughter is in bed. It's a nice break and has really helped us both feel like we still have our own time. I also had to learn how to not be so wrapped up in my OCD-ness, which I've been successful at and has taken a HUGE weight off both of us. She reminded us that we're parents now, we need to focus on our family and ourselves and not worry about household things, etc....

Things are very well in our house now and we often say to each other "remember how silly we were in 2004" or "can you believe we actually thought we wouldn't make it", etc....we say I love you and we mean it

I hope you'll keep us posted!