I prevented exhubby from jail -long post-need to vent

[hockeymom7691]

Ok, this may end up being a long post. Today I went to the court house and signed a paper that my ex didn't owe me $600 in back child support. He would have ended up in jail otherwise. I probably should have let him go to jail but I can't seem to do that to my DS's Dad. Friday I got a letter from the court house that there was a warrant out for his arrest because of the support he owed.

Now the guy hasn't worked steadily in two or three years. He's bartended for a friend that owns a bar and that's about it.

His house went up for sheriffs sale and he has to be out of it by May 30th. I have no clue where he plans on staying or what he is going to do with all his stuff.

The man has totally fallen apart and is hitting rock bottom. He lost his job 3 years ago when the shop closed. He was collecting unemployment and was planning on going back to school. A year ago November his Mom passed away. The following January his Dad passed away. He hasn't been the same since and started slipping from there, never went to school and never got a "real" job.

This whole situation makes me so sad & angry at the same time! He is good with Bo (my DS) and does spend time with him yet he has turned into such a loser. I feel bad for him but then I get so angry. Why won't he just go get a job at a convenience store or something? Because his pride gets in the way, he says he would rather live on the street. Well it looks like that's where he's going to be.

My friends say I'm an angel in disguise not letting him end up in jail. I don't feel as if I'm an angel, I mean what good would it do if he was sitting in jail?

Any opinions?

 

[Stepharoonie!]

No, but I'm wishing you good luck with the situation.

 

[Jeanny]

yeah, you are an angel for not throwing him in jail.. but like you said, what good would it have done. He needs help getting back on his feet, can't he get "retrained" at the unemployment office?? Up here, they have all sorts of classes you can attend to start another profession/job.

 

[Lewski709]

Sometimes people have to go all the way down before they can begin to pick themselves up. Sounds like he is well on his way. Whatever you do, remember the reasons for the divorce.

 

[BibbidyBobbidyBoo]

Why won't he just go get a job at a convenience store or something? Because his pride gets in the way, he says he would rather live on the street. Well it looks like that's where he's going to be.

He doesn't go get a job at a convenience store or something because he's getting away with NOT doing so... due to pride. Obviously he knows you're not going to force him to pay to support his child- so therefore he knows he can get away with not working a job he thinks is "beneath" him. But what he's not considering is that he has a child he should be helping support- and there's nothing to be proud about when you're a deadbeat father.

My friends say I'm an angel in disguise not letting him end up in jail. I don't feel as if I'm an angel, I mean what good would it do if he was sitting in jail?

Any opinions?

I agree with your friends. I feel bad that he's lost his parents recently- but if it's affecting him this much he needs to seek therapy or something- get help. I don't think he's not working whatever job he could get because of the loss of his parents though- I think it's like you said... pride.... but I don't get that because how can he have pride in himself when he's a deadbeat father not helping support his child?

What good would it do if he was sitting in jail? He wouldn't be there forever and then when he got out he'd realize it's his RESPONSIBILITY to help support his child... it's not something he can just elect not to do because to do so would mean having to work a job he doesn't "want" to work.

It's also my opinion that if you have no intentions of ever forcing him to pay child support that you should offer to him to give up rights to the child or in some way make it where he doesn't have to pay child support. The way it's being handled now is tying up the courts and/or taxpayers money trying to get him to pay- just for you to go in and say he doesn't owe it and let him get away with it. That's just a waste- of money, everyone's time (including yours), etc. What's the point of all that? Is there any way to just get it wrote up in an amended divorce or something that he has zero income and owes zero child support?

 

[C.Ann]

Sometimes when they put them in jail for non-support it's ONLY on the weekends - so they can work during the week to pay support..

I've been in shoes similar to yours and when push came to shove, I don't know if I could have had my ex jailed either.. It's a real bad place to be in..

If you feel that him spending time with your son is more important, then you've made the right decision.. Hopefully he'll come around and eventually get a regular job of some sort..

 

[hockeymom7691]

I should clarify that he has paid support (not by choice). He got part of the estate money from when his parents passed away. He was planning on using that to get caught up on his house payments. Well the support court put a hold on the money and he had to give it to them to pay me. He owed quite a bit considering he hasn't had unemployment for about a year. So I did receive that money but he still owed more, he gave them another $300 but still owes $600.

I didn't sign an agreement that he NEVER has to pay support, just that $600. In June, this will start all over again and hopefully he'll have a job before then. If not well then I guess he'll be sitting in jail.

 

[DukeStreetKing]

I think you did the right thing by not having him arrested. You're right, having him sit in jail will do nothing to solve the child support problem and your son would suffer by not being able to see his dad.

He is obviously in a very bad way and will eventually bottom out and probably find himself in jail anyway.

I hope things work out for you and your son.

 

[kasar]

In my opinion, you did the right thing. You've chosen to take the high road and not have your son's father put in jail - I think that's a brave and mature way of dealing with an unfortunate situation.

Yes, he owes you money. Yes, it stinks that he's not living up to his responsibilities. But that's the way it goes sometimes despite doing everything you can. I hope, for your sake that he gets his act together. Sounds like he can't get much lower.

 

[antbritt]

hockeymom7691

While I know that it is hard to think of your DS having to not be able to see his DD but at the same time it is kind of Difficult to decide what is truly right. But my 2 Cents worth is that you and your DS should not have to struggle to get by ( not sure if this is your situation) because your EX 's Pride stands in the way of him "lowering " himself to do whatever it takes to support himself and his son. Keep in mind that time flies and if he is allowed and enabled to continue to be a BUM then when your DS grows up will the BUM knock on his door??
So while you may be protecting you son now you will not be able to protect him later and along the way to his adulthood how you handle his father will be known. Hopefully your ex will hit the bottom but that will never ever happen if 2 things dont occur... 1 is to not have anyone pick up his pieces when he falls. 2 is if he never becomes uncomfortable in his own skin. He will have been slighty uncortable in Jail for a night or 2 and they might have helped him to hit the bottom.
I have a friend who's ex is a REAL REAL BUM. I mean she actually felt so sorry for this guy that she would let him stay on her couch. She would pay for him to sleep in a campsite. She has since stopped she finally stopped when this BUM borrowed money from his Aunt for gifts for Xmas for her DD and then he literally got made at this 11 yr old and ripped the gifts out of her hands. He now lives in a car with his new GF !!! Has never ever paid a lick of Child support and since he continues to mooch off ofwhoever he can he will never hit rock bottom. Oh yeah he also, has been arrested 3 times in the past 5 months. My friend did not pay the bail but she did vouch for him!!! Crazy thought maybe he belongs in JAil.
Anyway sorry so long but i believe that more for the Sake of the Children we need to teach them that you must always be held accountable for you actions and with accountability comes either rewards or consequences for your actions. SO next time the cops call ............. Leave him there!!!!
\
You know the old saying... Give a man a Fish... Feed him for a day... Teach a man to fish and feed him for life!!!

 

[kilee]

Honestly, I think you did a good thing. Hopefully he's hitting rock bottom-- because from there-- you can only go up. I don't think I could have DS's dad put in jail. You see-- if he wants to screw up it's on his conscience. Luckily I'm not dependent on the child support. It's our "play money" or it goes into DS's savings account depending on if we have trips planned or things like that. I figure I'm the better person for it.

I hope things get better for you!

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

It sounds like he's gotten pretty deep into depression. You did a good thing. He sounds like he needs some help.

BTW don't listen to anybody who tells you that you did the wrong thing, I'm sure there are countless women who would happily send their ex up the river just for the fun of it, don't be one of them. It makes you the bigger person. No matter what they say their credentials are.

 

[4nana]

Very sad situation - hopefully he will repay your act of kindness by being responsible, getting a job and supporting his child.

My daughter works with inmates every day. We have had several discussions about 'there must be a better way'!

Fail to pay your child support, they lock you up. Not only that, but now in Md. they take your driver's license! So, if you're one of the lucky ones not incarcerated, but don't have your license, how do you get to work??

No wonder our jails are over crowded!! These Dad's/Mom's have serious issues and need help or else they would not be there in the first place. I'm no rocket scientist, but seems to me this program needs a total overhaul!!

Sandie

 

[battricia]

I don't have advise to offer, but just wanted to wish you and your family better times soon.

tricia.

 

[BibbidyBobbidyBoo]

Originally posted by hockeymom7691
I should clarify that he has paid support (not by choice). He got part of the estate money from when his parents passed away. He was planning on using that to get caught up on his house payments. Well the support court put a hold on the money and he had to give it to them to pay me. He owed quite a bit considering he hasn't had unemployment for about a year. So I did receive that money but he still owed more, he gave them another $300 but still owes $600.

I didn't sign an agreement that he NEVER has to pay support, just that $600. In June, this will start all over again and hopefully he'll have a job before then. If not well then I guess he'll be sitting in jail.

I know you didn't sign an agreement to never pay support- but I'm saying if you never intend to force the issue and sign saying he paid... then don't put the court through the time/expense of trying to collect child support (or set punishment against him for not doing so) when he doesn't pay... just make it where he doesn't owe so that won't be wasted time, taxpayers money, etc. trying to collect child support that you wouldn't be making him pay in the long run anyway... signing saying he doesn't owe after they go to all the trouble.

But I'm glad to hear you say that eventually you will hold him responsible for his child. I hope you haven't changed your minds after the comments made here. This is why so many single parent families are struggling- because men and women alike (whoever is the noncustodial parent owing child support at that time) get away with not paying child support and some people consider not MAKING them support their child the "mature" way to handle things?!? Brave and mature? Wouldn't do any good to put them in jail?
Well let's just tell all parents they don't have to support their children how about... and then guess who's going to be supporting many of those children because a whole lot of single parents can't afford it on their own without the other parent's financial support of their child. So if they can't get it from the parent and it does no good to try to force the parent to be responsible for their child (ie: putting in jail does no good)- then WE'LL be paying to support those children. Who doesn't get that?

I don't think it's brave and mature to let deadbeat parents off the hook for their responsibilities. The child deserves better (and without taxpayers paying the support for the deadbeat parent) and the taxpayers deserve better. As someone else said- usually they are jailed nights and/or weekends so they can continue working. I've been through a divorce... and my ex KNEW I wasn't about to sign off that it was okay not to pay child support- all it took was ONE threat by the judge to put his butt in jail if he didn't pay the back child support when he didn't pay and was in contempt of court... was never late with another child support payment. I wonder if he'd been so diligent if I'd let him off the hook when it came time that the judge mentioned jail? (It was mentioned weekends- so he could still work)

Fail to pay your child support, they lock you up. Not only that, but now in Md. they take your driver's license! So, if you're one of the lucky ones not incarcerated, but don't have your license, how do you get to work??

Oh come on. If they were working in the FIRST place then how come they weren't paying child support? They don't get put in jail for nothing... and it makes no sense to say don't put them in jail because then how can they work to provide... hello? If they were working to provide for their child- there would be no talk about jail! (same with DL... if they were working and paying child support- they wouldn't be losing DL. If they lose DL- they are either not working anyway or they were working under the table to avoid paying child support. Either way I bet they come up with the money so they can get their DL back or stop going to jail every weekend...)

I do not mean to come across as harsh but this is something I feel strongly about and I think it's WRONG to basically say that jail won't work, taking DL won't work- well what else do you suggest? I'm sure they are open to suggestions for ways to get deadbeat parents to pay support for their offspring! (Jail nights/weekends does work.. they get a job during the day so they can pay their back support and then stop going to jail! They learn a lesson- don't pay... lose your free time. They are only allowed out of jail to work)

 

[Brer_Papa]

I think you did the right thing too....and hopefully, he will realize it and get some motivation and find some work....

being from Erie, i know that too many shops and manufacturing jobs have been lost....I also kknow that many of the employees qualified for TRA (Training Readjustment Act of 1974) which allows schooling / training for the displaced workers....however, if "his shop" closed 3 years ago...the window of time for taking advantage of TRA has closed....

with the exception of Erie Forge, which was sold in a 363 bankruptcy sale, the shops that closed 3 years ago and qualified for TRA were....(relying on my memory here) were Copes-Vulcan, Gunite/EMI, Skinner Engine, McInnes Steel which was another 363 sale and Kayser ....

I mention these in trying to guess what skills your EX-DH possesses....because....I now there is hiring going on in the following plants....Carlisle in Lake City, Erie Coke @ the foot of East Avenue.....PHB in Fairview, Erie Forge at 16th & Raspberry and some temp work @ GE....

I also know that despite some recent layoffs at Riley-Stoker, they will be hiring some people ...hopefuly mid-June....I just talked with the new Riley-Stoker CEO B. Eisert last Friday....

these openings will fill fast....so, if he has comparable skills....and is interested...he should move quickly....

lastly, the numerous plastic plants habitually have a high turn over...places like Plastek and Grimms usually hire quickly, but the starting pay is a bit low....

post or PM me if you have questions on any of these.......

 

[disneyjunkie]

I think you did a wonderful thing. You put your son's feelings ahead of a few $$$, good for you.

Don't let someone's rants make you feel bad. That person wouldn't have to see the look on your son's face when he learns that his dad's in jail.

I'm also a single mother who's lucky enough to not depend on child support to take care of my son.

My son loves his dad, he thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread. There's no way I won't do all I could to keep him out of jail.

 

[hockeymom7691]

Originally posted by Brer_Papa
I think you did the right thing too....and hopefully, he will realize it and get some motivation and find some work....

being from Erie, i know that too many shops and manufacturing jobs have been lost....I also kknow that many of the employees qualified for TRA (Training Readjustment Act of 1974) which allows schooling / training for the displaced workers....however, if "his shop" closed 3 years ago...the window of time for taking advantage of TRA has closed....


I now there is hiring going on in the following plants....Carlisle in Lake City, Erie Coke @ the foot of East Avenue.....PHB in Fairview, Erie Forge at 16th & Raspberry and some temp work @ GE....

I also know that despite some recent layoffs at Riley-Stoker, they will be hiring some people ...hopefuly mid-June....I just talked with the new Riley-Stoker CEO B. Eisert last Friday....

these openings will fill fast....so, if he has comparable skills....and is interested...he should move quickly....

lastly, the numerous plastic plants habitually have a high turn over...places like Plastek and Grimms usually hire quickly, but the starting pay is a bit low....

post or PM me if you have questions on any of these.......

Brer_Papa, Yes, he did work at one of those places (Skinner) for 20 years. I will definitely mention to him about the places you stated. I know he was trying to get into Erie Coke and is still trying to get into Curtze. Maybe he'll have some luck at the other places.

I know I did the right thing. I can't imagine explaining to my DS that I made the final decision on sending his Dad to jail because no matter what he thinks his Dad is the best!

Thanks for your suggestions!!

 

[hockeymom7691]

Originally posted by disneyjunkie
I think you did a wonderful thing. You put your son's feelings ahead of a few $$$, good for you.

Don't let someone's rants make you feel bad. That person wouldn't have to see the look on your son's face when he learns that his dad's in jail.

I'm also a single mother who's lucky enough to not depend on child support to take care of my son.

My son loves his dad, he thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread. There's no way I won't do all I could to keep him out of jail.

Thanks. My son thinks that his Dad is the best thing too so I can't imagine explaining to him that I had a key to help put his Dad in jail. He (DS) will realize in time what his Dad is all about but in the meantime I have to do my best to keep my mouth shut and do the best that I can.

 

[Ragmop]

You did the right thing.

My BIL suffers from depression & poor self image and has been out of work for 2 years.Unfortunately there is nothing other people can do to make a person "want" to pound the pavements and look for work. He gave up right in the beginning and I doubt he will ever work.

Putting someone in jail for $600 would be very petty-you are a saint.