I need your help. my dad

[LOVEDISNEYLAND]

I need anyone who is willing to offer advice to me without flamming me because that's not why I posted this. Thank you!

I have a lot of anger and resentment towards my dad and mom for not being there for me when I was little. They got divorced when I was little and my mom left when I was around 4 and haven't seen her since. Just recently just started talk to her within the last 3 months. I mostly ended up with my grandparents. (Bless them!!) My dad has never accepted me or at least that's how I feel. He only calls when he wants something and NEVER EVER has called just to say hi, even though I call him. I'm deeply hurt by the things he's done to me in my childhood and now in my adult life. I thought things we're going to change when he became ill, but then it went back to the same old thing. I was willing to let the past be in the past and start over again fresh. I know it was hard for my father to be a single parent trying to raise a girl, but I considered myself a pretty good kid. Yes, I drank in high school and stayed out late, went to parties, but what teenager doesn't do that. I feel that I made pretty good choices considering the amount of supervison I did not have growing up. Never drank and drove, never took drugs and waited until I was married to have sex. (Sorry I know for some that's too much info) I’m now happily married and have been for the last 7 years to a wonderful man, I’m a special ed teacher and have been for the last 8 years, and own my own home. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t care!!! Someone please explain this to me. I’m tired of always being the one to reach out and end up getting burned. The last time I spoke to him was 9 months ago. He had asked me to lie and without going into to much detail, break the law for him. When I told him I wasn’t going to do it, he stopped calling PERIOD!!! It’s like I’m dealing with my own child or something and I don’t even have children. I love my father and mother very much and just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m hurting and need some advice. Please feel free to speak the truth. Are they selfish or what??? Thank you for taking the time to read this and respond.

 

[MIGrandma]

You said you're married to a wonderful man, you're a teacher and you own your own home. It sounds to me like you turned out pretty darn good in spite of your not-so-great childhood, so that's good!! You can be proud of yourself for that!!

As for your feelings towards your parents, have you thought about talking to someone in the therapy profession? It might help. And I'm certainly not a therapist, but if your Dad wanted you to do something for him that would go against the law then he definitely wasn't putting your best interest first, just thinking of himself, and that's not good. Maybe realize that he's probably not going to change, accept him the way he is, but limit your contact with him.

I'm sorry you still have such hurt feelings. I know sometimes it's hard to let those kind of feelings go.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I need anyone who is willing to offer advice to me without flamming me because that's not why I posted this. Thank you!

I have a lot of anger and resentment towards my dad and mom for not being there for me when I was little. They got divorced when I was little and my mom left when I was around 4 and haven't seen her since. Just recently just started talk to her within the last 3 months. I mostly ended up with my grandparents. (Bless them!!) My dad has never accepted me or at least that's how I feel. He only calls when he wants something and NEVER EVER has called just to say hi, even though I call him. I'm deeply hurt by the things he's done to me in my childhood and now in my adult life. I thought things we're going to change when he became ill, but then it went back to the same old thing. I was willing to let the past be in the past and start over again fresh. I know it was hard for my father to be a single parent trying to raise a girl, but I considered myself a pretty good kid. Yes, I drank in high school and stayed out late, went to parties, but what teenager doesn't do that. I feel that I made pretty good choices considering the amount of supervison I did not have growing up. Never drank and drove, never took drugs and waited until I was married to have sex. (Sorry I know for some that's too much info) I’m now happily married and have been for the last 7 years to a wonderful man, I’m a special ed teacher and have been for the last 8 years, and own my own home. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t care!!! Someone please explain this to me. I’m tired of always being the one to reach out and end up getting burned. The last time I spoke to him was 9 months ago. He had asked me to lie and without going into to much detail, break the law for him. When I told him I wasn’t going to do it, he stopped calling PERIOD!!! It’s like I’m dealing with my own child or something and I don’t even have children. I love my father and mother very much and just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m hurting and need some advice. Please feel free to speak the truth. Are they selfish or what??? Thank you for taking the time to read this and respond.

I will give it a shot at it.

OK, you want something they cannot give you and you keep going back hoping that THIS TIME they are going to change. Which is something people do go thru at times and not uncommon. So don't think that you are the first person to want what you did not have.

It doesn't matter if they are selfish, mentally ill, drug users, etc....

The point is they are who they are. You have to accept "what is" and not "what YOU want". Not an easy thing to do.

If you want to call and chat, then chat. If you cannot handle the "requests" or the anger he lobs at you then stop reaching out.

You have to be mentally prepared to deal with the people they are to maintain a relationship.

You are not in that place now and maybe you will never get there or maybe you will. Sometimes you have to let things go and move on with life.

When you are ready to deal, you will deal. Right now, not so much. Have to let it go for now.

 

[nmmom95]

You said you're married to a wonderful man, you're a teacher and you own your own home. It sounds to me like you turned out pretty darn good in spite of your not-so-great childhood, so that's good!! You can be proud of yourself for that!!

As for your feelings towards your parents, have you thought about talking to someone in the therapy profession? It might help. And I'm certainly not a therapist, but if your Dad wanted you to do something for him that would go against the law then he definitely wasn't putting your best interest first, just thinking of himself, and that's not good. Maybe realize that he's probably not going to change, accept him the way he is, but limit your contact with him.

I'm sorry you still have such hurt feelings. I know sometimes it's hard to let those kind of feelings go.

I agree with this. You should be very proud of yourself. Counseling is probably the best route.

 

[WestCOT]

Yes, I drank in high school and stayed out late, went to parties, but what teenager doesn't do that.

meeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

[stsomewhere]

I was in a similar situation with my parents, they divorced and I basically lived with my grandparents.

About 6 months ago, I was speaking with a friend about his childhood. Everyone thought how bad it was. I realized that it was very similar to mine. Something I put aside. My sisters don't remember because they were too young and I took care of them.

I decided/realizes after 37 years that I will never have a good relationship with either one. I am not going to try anymore. You know what I am ok with that. My kids 12 and 9 know about them and why I feel this way. It got to the point where my mom would promise things to my kids and never follow through. She never calls or comes to any concert/recital even though she lives 5 blocks away.

My sisters don't understand why I decided to give up the relationship with them. When I see them, I am polite but realize they will never be more than a casual acquaintance. I have my aunt and uncle, grandparents and in laws plus friends that i can depend on. I am happy with that. It relieved a lot of stress in my life.

My sisters called me a few days ago and asked if i would consider calling my step-dad " dad" for father's day. He has been with my mom for about 30 years. He has no kids of his own
I laughed and said no. He was a big part of my unhappiness growing up, forbidding us to talk about my dad, outrageous stories about his life/ job that never made any sense since he had nothing to show with it.belittling, doing drugs, etc. Making my mom abandon us for his lifestyle.

 

[LOVEDISNEYLAND]

Thank you guys for replying. I have done counseling, but I still feel so broken and not to mention, it cost a lot and insurance only pays for 12 visits a year. The cost without insurance is 185 for 45 min. I'm just at my wits end. I tell myself, that I'm okay with the way things are, but then a couple months later, I start to feel awful again. Thank you for all who took the time to read and respond. Feel free to add anything else that you might think of later if need be. again, thank you!

 

[disneyhand]

You sound like a really good person. Loving, caring, amazing despite everything. There is no logical explanation for your parents choices and behavior in life. You are hurt and rightly so. You want what you didn't have.

Sadly, I don't think that you will ever get what you're seeking from your parents. They most likely will continue their pattern of letting you down.

I feel like you should concentrate instead on the good in your life now, your hubby, home, career and friends. Healing. Open yourself up to new friendships. Sometimes great friends turn into just like family. Live in the now and move toward your future. Focus on the positive, not what you've missed.

I agree that professional counseling would be helpful. I'm just a dis friend. It's easy for me to say what I think you should do and I hope that helps you some. But some coping tools from a professional would be so much better.

Good luck

 

[dicar123]

I need anyone who is willing to offer advice to me without flamming me because that's not why I posted this. Thank you!

I have a lot of anger and resentment towards my dad and mom for not being there for me when I was little. They got divorced when I was little and my mom left when I was around 4 and haven't seen her since. Just recently just started talk to her within the last 3 months. I mostly ended up with my grandparents. (Bless them!!) My dad has never accepted me or at least that's how I feel. He only calls when he wants something and NEVER EVER has called just to say hi, even though I call him. I'm deeply hurt by the things he's done to me in my childhood and now in my adult life. I thought things we're going to change when he became ill, but then it went back to the same old thing. I was willing to let the past be in the past and start over again fresh. I know it was hard for my father to be a single parent trying to raise a girl, but I considered myself a pretty good kid. Yes, I drank in high school and stayed out late, went to parties, but what teenager doesn't do that. I feel that I made pretty good choices considering the amount of supervison I did not have growing up. Never drank and drove, never took drugs and waited until I was married to have sex. (Sorry I know for some that's too much info) I’m now happily married and have been for the last 7 years to a wonderful man, I’m a special ed teacher and have been for the last 8 years, and own my own home. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t care!!! Someone please explain this to me. I’m tired of always being the one to reach out and end up getting burned. The last time I spoke to him was 9 months ago. He had asked me to lie and without going into to much detail, break the law for him. When I told him I wasn’t going to do it, he stopped calling PERIOD!!! It’s like I’m dealing with my own child or something and I don’t even have children. I love my father and mother very much and just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m hurting and need some advice. Please feel free to speak the truth. Are they selfish or what??? Thank you for taking the time to read this and respond.

I'll be blunt. Your dad is a selfish, using, jerk. He is incapable of being the type of parent you need.

It's not your fault; you certainly don't deserve to have a father like that, but it is reality. If you encountered other people who treated you like this (and I'm sure you have), you would walk away and forget about them.

It's harder with parents because we have expectations. He won't change, no matter what you do. Accepting that is hard, but necessary for you.

I wish you well because you do sound like a lovely person.

 

[minkydog]

I will give it a shot at it.

OK, you want something they cannot give you and you keep going back hoping that THIS TIME they are going to change. Which is something people do go thru at times and not uncommon. So don't think that you are the first person to want what you did not have.

It doesn't matter if they are selfish, mentally ill, drug users, etc....

The point is they are who they are. You have to accept "what is" and not "what YOU want". Not an easy thing to do.

If you want to call and chat, then chat. If you cannot handle the "requests" or the anger he lobs at you then stop reaching out.

You have to be mentally prepared to deal with the people they are to maintain a relationship.

You are not in that place now and maybe you will never get there or maybe you will. Sometimes you have to let things go and move on with life.

When you are ready to deal, you will deal. Right now, not so much. Have to let it go for now.

You said this much more eloquently than I could have. I completely agree. OP, my parents stayed together during my childhood, but my father was emotionally unavailable just about from the beginning. Both of my parents were verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. The fought constantly and they used ridicule and sarcasm as discipline. Dad left for good when I was 18, leaving behind 5 kids and no child support.

I totally get your frustration. I tried for years to please my mother. I tried for years to get my dad to have a relationship with me. Neither ever happened. I spent a lot of time trying to make it work and being upset when it didn't. I finally gave up on Dad--it was just too painful. We reconnected 30 days before he died. While I was with him at the end of his life, my mother because particularly abusive and out of control. One day I felt something physically snap inside me and I was done. I love her, but I keep her at a distance now. I don't trust her with important things and I only tell her that which she can't use against me. I call her once a month and see her about 3 times a year, where we make superficial conversation.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different outcome. I have come to learn that I cannot make my parents be what they aren't. They never were and never will be the parents that I needed. I had to let it go. It was hard, but necessary. I have been in therapy a few times, but never really dealt with this until recently. It's tough going, and painful, bringing up old business. But it's also cathartic. You might want to consider it. You don't have any control over how people act toward you. You only control your response. If you keep letting them hurt you, they will continue to hurt you. Perhaps a therapist could help you learn some coping skills for dealing with them.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

without reading the responses...you have to know that 'it is what it is'.. (as much as I hate that phrase)..
It's not something you did, who you are, or a problem you created.
It is THEM...who they are, and how they chose to be. Nothing you can ever say or do will change them (your dad in particular since that is who you focused on)...
I'm really sorry you are having to deal with that...the pain and knowledge of how they are and how they make you feel, but it seems you have done well with your life in spite of that... continue pushing forward, and as much hurt as it causes (I know it does), you have to let that part of it go....

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I could have written your post, well, close anyway. Never knew my dad (both parents were 15 when they conceived me, less then a month later he got another 15 year old pregnant.) Mom gave me to my grandparents. She was never able to have more kids so I was her only shot at being a mom and I am a huge disapointment to her.

While I have totally accepted that this is the life I was dealt and I am truly happy in my life now, happily married, 3 kids, sometimes it still hurts me. I tried therapy, it didn't do much. I think things in our life make us who we are, sometimes that is good, sometimes it isn't.

I think the best thing you can do is remind yourself how well you turned out despite the hand you were dealt and just try to be proud of yourself.

 

[bumbershoot]

Yes your father is selfish. I don't know what your mother is like currently, but she was extremely selfish when she left you (unforgivably, to me, actually).

I love my father and mother very much

I think the question you should be pondering is...WHY?

To me, once we are past childhood, feelings for parents don't have to be unconditional. Some of us have absolute louts for parents, and why on earth should they deserve love from us?

I'm very compartmentalized about my dad...he's decent to me, he's a jerk to his second family (I have NO idea why my stepmom stays), but he is who he is and the amount that he's different for me (because I have called him out and he KNOWS that I will leave his life if he crosses the lines I have drawn) is the amount he's able to be different. Meanwhile, he was great with the students when he worked at a university, his friends have wonderful friendships with him, etc etc. And I would also say any of this to his face. Meanwhile, my brother has shut him out of his life, because our dad just could not get his act together enough for my brother to deal with him, and after several "last chances" he blew one last BIG chance, and the door is now locked forever. My dad hasn't even been as bad as yours but I'm not sure I could say that I love him "very much".

Were either of your parents alcoholics? If so (or maybe even if not), reading Adult Children of Alcoholics changed my whole universe. Sounds like you got your personal life act together easier than I did...I continued some silly behaviours (none of them awful, just having inappropriate relationships) until I read that, and realized that I could actually stop, could be different. And so I changed! And I allowed myself to be mad at the person he was, at the person he is to other people, and to just deal with the person he is to me today. To be realistic about him. And absolutely to protect my son from his maddening behaviours (let's put it this way...my dad said that he'd be up for a visit over a year ago...still haven't seen him!); my mom tried to protect my heart, but she never wanted to talk badly about him (custody stuff) and couldn't really just lay it out for me like I would have needed.

Anyway...back to the "why do you love them" part. I hope that's what the counseling sessions have been dealing with; it seems a really important matter to settle!


And again, YES they are selfish. You sound like you are doing great, and once you realize that you don't need to turn yourself inside out to gain the love of people who don't deserve you (something I learned from reading the book I mentioned), you'll likely feel a WHOLE lot better.

 

[alliecats]

My dad walked out on us, triplets, before we were born (for his mistress, who he had also impregnated. Classy!) He never once tried to contact us over the next 17 years. I had lunch once with him, right before I turned 18. I think he only did it because he thought my mom would come after him for back child support if he did not. Three months later he wrote me a letter saying he had other kids, did not want a relationship with me and never had, never will.

My mom is an abusive, destructive person and I have not spoken to her for over 10 years.

I used to feel really bad about this, like ripped off. Now I think, how sad for them. He is a bad person. He just is (there is even more to his badness than this, but TMI). My mom has abused everyone who has ever been close to her, one right after another.

I dodged a bullet by not having them in my life more than I did.

You turned out to be an awesome, amazing person DESPITE your parents. I bet you bless the lives you touch every day without even knowing it. I am sure your students and your parents would agree that they are better for having known you.

Your dad will never change. It is not because you don't deserve love. It's because he is too broken to give it.

Try to accept this, let go, and move on. You are too valuable of a person to hurt like this over someone who (no offense) is not worth it. Just because you have a shared past with someone does not mean you have a shared future.

I am very sorry you are hurting.

 

[Cooky]

.

 

[Chipperdini]

 

[EMom]

Things would be so much easier for you if you could just stop caring about your father. But you can't. And that's normal. I used to work with abused and neglected children and I swear, no matter WHAT those parents had done to those precious children, the kids STILL loved their parents. The parents could have beaten them, raped them, abandoned them, neglected to feed them, tried to sell them......And the kids still loved them. In the grand scheme of things, you didn't have it as bad as some of those kids, so I'm not surprised that you still care about your dad.

But let me be blunt. Neither of your parents was worth a crap as far as "parents" go. You drew the short end of the stick and that's the cold, hard truth. That's a fact. You can't change it. But hear this: YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT EITHER! It was their fault and their doing and NOT yours. Every child deserves decent, loving parents but sadly, they do not all get them. Some kids hit the parental jackpot and some get screwed over.

When we were going through infertility and wanted nothing more than to have a baby to love and care for, it killed me to hear stories of children abused/neglected by their parents. When I saw parents in public treating their kids like dirt, I wanted to scream, "Don't you realize how lucky you are to have that child?" At some point I had to accept that God does not hand out babies only to those who deserve them and will be good parents. If He did, we would never again have a parent neglect, beat or murder their child. Children would only be born into loving, stable homes. I was sad for me and my DH but I was even sadder for those poor children who deserved better.

When we adopted DD, I knew she would someday ask questions about why she wasn't born to me and also about her birth mother. Without going into too much personal detail, I have told her that some women are like me.....They are ready and able to be a mommy to a child, but they cannot grow one. Other women can grow a baby, but for various reasons, are not ready or perhaps not able to be a mommy.

Face it.....Your parents did a bang up job of making and growing you, but bit at mommying and daddying you. That is no more your fault that it's my DD's fault that her bio parents weren't able to parent her. You asked if your parents are selfish.....Truly, do you even need to ASK that question????

Please do not take this the wrong way, but given the cricumstances, it's a wonder you turned out as well as you did. You should be patting yourself on the back for making a success of your life despite having crappy parents. Honey, you are wasting precious time, energy and emotion on someone who is not worthy or deserving of it. You could be using that time, energy and emotion on your DH, your career, your home and someday, your own children. In other words, in a way that actually MATTERS.

Your dad will never change. No matter how much effort you put out, it won't help because YOU are not the problem. Therefore, YOU cannot provide the solution. YOU are beating your head against a brick wall. STOP IT! Why doesn't he care? Because there is something fundamentally wrong with him as a human being, that's why. Maybe he's a narcissist. Maybe he's a sociopath. Maybe he's just a user. But I guarantee you if you had a student or a friend with a parent who treated them the way your dad treats you, you'd never encourage them to keep trying to gain their parent's approval and affection. You'd tell them to walk away....I'll put money on it.

All those kids I represented......There was nothing wrong with THEM.....It was the PARENTS who were flawed. The kids were not to blame. But the kids often tried to "make it better." I can understand a child doing that because they are young and cannot reason the way an adult can. But you're all grown up now. THINK. Your parents are the ones with MAJOR issues. They way they treated you when you were a child is unforgivable. They have never made much of an effort to improve as parents. Sheesh....They never PARENTED you at all. They made you. There is a huge difference.

It's time to face the facts and accept that you will never have the parents you deserve. I am sorry for that. It bites. What you can do is be the wife your DH deserves, be the teacher your students deserve and if you have kids, be the best mom you can be. And walk away from people who treat you as shabbily as your parents. I have a friend whose story is VERY similar to yours. She is a fantastic mom. She told me that being abandoned by her mom and having an uninvolved dad made her determined to be a loving, devoted mother who was the opposite of her parents. If you did not know her story, you would never guess her traumatic childhood story by the way she parents. You'd think she'd learned her nurturing ways from a set of warm, loving parents. She chose to not look back, but forward. And she's a happier person for it. Please, do the same.

 

[Planogirl]

My two cents...

There is nothing wrong with loving your parents but you also have to accept them as they are. You can't change them, you can only change how you react.

You want more from them (and who wouldn't!) but they aren't able to give you what you want. You seem to just beat yourself up over this again and again but it's not your fault at all. They are what they are and don't sound likely to change. They may not even be able to change but that isn't the most important thing here. It's you and your feelings and again how you react.

Therapy would be good if only to help you accept the reality of this. If you can't afford it (that's expensive!) then maybe you will see how great you yourself are and that will help a little.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Honey, you are wasting precious time, energy and emotion on someone who is not worthy or deserving of it. You could be using that time, energy and emotion on your DH, your career, your home and someday, your own children. In other words, in a way that actually MATTERS.

That is actually an effective counter to when you get those "feelings" OP. Do something for your family when you start feeling down.

Also I have to say it and you are going to hate this but your stubborness to accept your reality is actually what is the thing that is holding you back.

As long as you hang onto the "sick" part of your dad, aka wishing for a rekindling, you are still holding onto to the "sick" part of your life.

You are hanging onto the old familiar part of yourself because it is how you associate yourself with your family.

You are afraid to let that go because it means that you are never going to have it back.

That is something you have to come to terms with on your own. Doing positive things in the face of negativity is an effective tool for combating it.

Once you do it enough, it will become the "new you" and you will become stronger.

 

[VillageMama]

Honey, I think you should print out these responses (particularly Emom's) and read them over and over until the words sink in.

There is a peace and freedom that comes from finally realizing that you just plumb lost the parental lottery. It sucks. Big time. Believe me, I know.

But when you realize that... when you finally really understand that it's not you, it's them... you can quit trying to build a relationship with the incapable.

We got screwed over in the parents department, but we can build a family life of our own that brings us much joy and fulfillment. I wish you all the best!