I need your help - marriage related

[Freyja]

I thought about posting under a new user name, but honestly I can´t see what difference it makes.

As some of you may know, my family has been going through a rough patch for almost 2 years. It has involved life changing decisions, financial issues and lately also more personal, marriage related problems.

I´d prefer not to go into detail but this much I can say: My DH has done some very stupid things over the past 3 years and kept them a secret from me until recently. He DID NOT cheat on me, and there are not, nor have there ever been, any other people "involved" in our marriage.

We love each other deeply and we have a long history together. We´ve been together for 16 years and we have 5 children together and we desperately want our marriage to work. Throughout the years we have been a great couple, we´re interested in the same things, we love each others company, share the same dreams/visions, etc.

I just feel so betrayed now and I am so mad at him. I´ve told him that I will forgive him but that we need time to build up trust again. He´s obviously very sorry for what he has done and I know he means it. He says he´s willing to do whatever it takes and I told him the first step was for us to go to a marriage councellor and get some professional advice. We´ve met with him once and we´re going back on Monday.

I´m somewhat rambling and don´t really know what I want/need from you here on the Dis. I guess I just need to hear from someone who has gotten through betrayel of some sort in their marriage and made it through!

 

[Diva of Dragons]

So sorry you are going through this. I think that if he is truly remorseful and willing to be completely transparent, meaning, you can know exactly where he is, what he doing, every bit of money he spends, every email/phone/text etc..., you can get through it.

I'm not saying that you need to check every little thing, just that he has to be open it.

I have seen people get over all kinds of things. It sounds like deception/lies are the big issue here. It may be a long road, but it seems that you guys have a strong enough foundation to rebuild from.

 

[Freyja]

So sorry you are going through this. I think that if he is truly remorseful and willing to be completely transparent, meaning, you can know exactly where he is, what he doing, every bit of money he spends, every email/phone/text etc..., you can get through it.

I'm not saying that you need to check every little thing, just that he has to be open it.

I have seen people get over all kinds of things. It sounds like deception/lies are the big issue here. It may be a long road, but it seems that you guys have a strong enough foundation to rebuild from.

This is exactly what both I and our councilor have told him and he has said that he´s o.k with that. Like you said, I don´t feel that I need to check everything, but I need everything to be open for me to do it IF I want to.

Deception is definitely the issue here. He made some very bad choices regarding money/finances, both in his business and our private economy and hid them from me. In the end though, it was him that came clean. I didn´t find out and confront him.

 

[Diva of Dragons]

This is exactly what both I and our councilor have told him and he has said that he´s o.k with that. Like you said, I don´t feel that I need to check everything, but I need everything to be open for me to do it IF I want to.

Deception is definitely the issue here. He made some very bad choices regarding money/finances, both in his business and our private economy and hid them from me. In the end though, it was him that came clean. I didn´t find out and confront him.

I may be off track but it sounds like his intentions might have been good but risky, when he made the bad choices. So, when things fell through, he needed to come clean. Just the fact that he DID come to you with it speaks volumes. A lot of men would have made a bigger mess of things by telling bigger lies, and making more bad choices, trying to hide it. You probably feel like the rug was pulled out from under you. Once you regain your footing and things start to normalize again, you'll probably get past this faster than you think.

But, for now, take it moment by moment. Enjoy the good stuff and your wonderful kids. Tackle the hard stuff, head on, and push through it. I think you'll be OK; maybe even better than before. For the record: I'm not one of those "save the marriage at all costs" kinds of people. If it was cheating, drugs etc... I'd say grab the kids and ruuuunnnn! LOL!

 

[Freyja]

I may be off track but it sounds like his intentions might have been good but risky, when he made the bad choices. So, when things fell through, he needed to come clean. Just the fact that he DID come to you with it speaks volumes. A lot of men would have made a bigger mess of things by telling bigger lies, and making more bad choices, trying to hide it. You probably feel like the rug was pulled out from under you. Once you regain your footing and things start to normalize again, you'll probably get past this faster than you think.

But, for now, take it moment by moment. Enjoy the good stuff and your wonderful kids. Tackle the hard stuff, head on, and push through it. I think you'll be OK; maybe even better than before. For the record: I'm not one of those "save the marriage at all costs" kinds of people. If it was cheating, drugs etc... I'd say grab the kids and ruuuunnnn! LOL!

You´re right in regards to his original intentions being good but risky. However, although he did eventually tell me, by the time he did he had been lying to me for 3 years. And that entire time the mess and the lies did get bigger. I had spent many days and nights making plans based on false assumptions. Each of those times he had a chance to tell me, but chose not to.
I really do hope we get through this, and like yourself I´m not a "save the marriage at all costs" type. I do however believe in fighting for what you want in life and my marriage is at this point on top of that list.

 

[Tink888]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you both love eachother, have a lot invested in the marriage and are taking the right steps to save it.

The only real advice I can offer is this. Know and be prepared that it will take a good amount of time before you trust him again but it can happen. Allow yourself time to be angry and allow yourself time to trust.

Make sure he understands that it will take time to forgive him. It's easy to say I forgive you. Actually doing it is something else. Make a list of reasons why you want the marriage to work and read it from time to time. Do not throw up what he did every time you have an argument about something else and keep good friends you trust close by and vent to them when you need to.

Good luck!

 

[mumom95]

I thought about posting under a new user name, but honestly I can´t see what difference it makes.

As some of you may know, my family has been going through a rough patch for almost 2 years. It has involved life changing decisions, financial issues and lately also more personal, marriage related problems.

I´d prefer not to go into detail but this much I can say: My DH has done some very stupid things over the past 3 years and kept them a secret from me until recently. He DID NOT cheat on me, and there are not, nor have there ever been, any other people "involved" in our marriage.

We love each other deeply and we have a long history together. We´ve been together for 16 years and we have 5 children together and we desperately want our marriage to work. Throughout the years we have been a great couple, we´re interested in the same things, we love each others company, share the same dreams/visions, etc.

I just feel so betrayed now and I am so mad at him. I´ve told him that I will forgive him but that we need time to build up trust again. He´s obviously very sorry for what he has done and I know he means it. He says he´s willing to do whatever it takes and I told him the first step was for us to go to a marriage councellor and get some professional advice. We´ve met with him once and we´re going back on Monday.

I´m somewhat rambling and don´t really know what I want/need from you here on the Dis. I guess I just need to hear from someone who has gotten through betrayel of some sort in their marriage and made it through!

It sounds like you truly believe that he is sorry for what he did. Which shows me you haven't lost all trust in your husband. And because of that, I think you will be able to work this out.

Good luck. You're doing the right thing and as long as both of you are putting this first in your lives, you'll get through it. It may just take a while.

 

[PixieTopaz]

This reminds me of the Housewives of Orange County-namely Lynn, who had no clue what their financial situation was, that her DH wasnt even paying their rent until they got an eviction notice.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

All I can say is the best way for you to move forward is to get involved in your financial situation and take charge where necessary.

My dh is a spender and at one point he went overboard. I took over.

While you are digging yourself out you need to be involved and not a bystander. It will help the healing process.

 

[happygirl]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are both deeply in love and what this to work out.

It will just take time and lots of baby steps.

 

[Sleepy]

All I can say is the best way for you to move forward is to get involved in your financial situation and take charge where necessary.

My dh is a spender and at one point he went overboard. I took over.

I agree with this. The amount you take charge depends on how severe the spending was and how many times this has happened in the past. Sometimes you have to take over 100%. Seems severe, but the other option is to be homeless or divorced. I'd rather be neither. Recovering from something like this takes the cooperation of the spender.

 

[kellyg403]

I offer many hugs to you and your dh. Losing the trust, in whatever part of your marriage is tough. Fixable but tough.

I can only say this, once I had situation where the trust was gone for me. I said I wanted to work on the marriage, went to counseling etc. I thought I was doing it all right. The problem was I never let him live it down, every argument or disagreement thereafter circled around to this particular situation that hurt me. I never let go of it. It destroyed any good we started.

If you are wanting to go forward, you have to let go. You can't bring it up every time there is an issue. You can't remind him you stayed even though he did something hurtful and deceitful. You have to literally remember in your head but by action and words, you have to let it go.

It does sound like he is sorry, it does sound like you are trying. Remember we are all human, we all err. He has his reasons, whatever they are, for not being honest. He may have thought it would destroy things or cause hurt. Temper the anger with mercy and move forward.

That would be my advise.

Kelly

 

[klam_chowder]

I don't frequent the community board much so don't know "your story" but wanted to send along some for things to work out for you.

Decide what you want and then take steps to get there. Sounds like you want your marriage so make it work. Shed the hurt - not saying not to feel hurt cuz you can't change how you feel but remember that hurt holds your marriage back from happiness. Keep in check hurtful comments to DH about what he did...he already knows what he did was bad/wrong and is living the consequences of it everyday along with you.

Wonderful to hear you are seeking professional counselling together. Live with courage and strength...allow time to do its work, and always know that if you need to vent/ramble your Dis friends are here to support you. All the best to you and your family

cheers,

 

[TinkerbelleAbbysMom]

Well my DH and I are divorced and remarried to each other. We did have major trust issues. What I can tell you is that after time it does get better. We were separated in oct of 03 and by March 04 the divorce was final. Funny thing is that in april 04 God decided it was time that DH and I get our act together and get back together! He is truly my soul mate and we just had issues we needed to work through. We did counseling and waited one year to remarry. April second this year we will celebrate 5 yrs back together and 8 yrs total of marriage. We really should be celebrating our 10th in august.. if we had just tried to work through.
But the thing is that's the easy thing to say, doing it is something different. Trust must be earned back. I will admit it took about another year after being remarried to quit thinking hey, is everything ok? And even last night I had a dream that past issues were coming back. Those really suck!! I just trust God to keep him strong! I try to cover him in prayer, espeically when those thoughts try to creep back!
Blessings and prayers for you and your family! I pray you have a great counselor too!

 

[vettechick99]

Check our Retrouvaille.org. It's perfect for your situation!!!!

 

[diznygirl]

You´re right in regards to his original intentions being good but risky. However, although he did eventually tell me, by the time he did he had been lying to me for 3 years. And that entire time the mess and the lies did get bigger. I had spent many days and nights making plans based on false assumptions. Each of those times he had a chance to tell me, but chose not to.
I really do hope we get through this, and like yourself I´m not a "save the marriage at all costs" type. I do however believe in fighting for what you want in life and my marriage is at this point on top of that list.

Sounds like he just dug himself a hole he couldn't get out of without risking losing what was important to him - you and your family. On a positive note you guys have a chance to patch things up, and that he's willing to put in the hard work to earn your trust back.

 

[usnuzuloose]

I understand what you are going through my husband nearly ruined us finacially, he was hiding and lying about it all. Trust takes a long time to rebuild it may take a year as you have to see it. The person needs to be held responsible for the actions. I would ask him what he intends to do to start regaing trust. My husband had to tell our pastor what was going on, that was more painful than me finding out. But now he is learning to understand things differently. Hes learning how to communicate with our finances instead of the opposite. But my part for not looking into things more closely before it got to that point. When people do not understand that everything in a marriage is one and something spins out of control it affects everyone in the home. So keep up the counseling and let him show you how to reagain his trust. It will take time but work with him and show him you willing. Just keep loving him no matter what. Jo

 

[Freyja]

This reminds me of the Housewives of Orange County-namely Lynn, who had no clue what their financial situation was, that her DH wasnt even paying their rent until they got an eviction notice.

All I can say is the best way for you to move forward is to get involved in your financial situation and take charge where necessary.

My dh is a spender and at one point he went overboard. I took over.

While you are digging yourself out you need to be involved and not a bystander. It will help the healing process.

Just for clarification, my DH is not a spender. He took some loans for his business and is now personally accountable for those loans (not sure what the correct English term is).
I´m definately going to be more involved. I always have been very involved in our personal finances, but I admit I decided early on not to be involved in DH´s business. I just honestly didn´t feel it was my business and wasn´t really interested in investing the time and the energy that comes with being involved in a business I don´t work in on a day to day basis. I own part in a business myself, and have never felt the need for DH to be involved in it.

 

[wdwfan16]

This is exactly what both I and our councilor have told him and he has said that he´s o.k with that. Like you said, I don´t feel that I need to check everything, but I need everything to be open for me to do it IF I want to.

Deception is definitely the issue here. He made some very bad choices regarding money/finances, both in his business and our private economy and hid them from me. In the end though, it was him that came clean. I didn´t find out and confront him.

With the current economy in Iceland how much of this was either out of desperation to protect his family from the Icelandic economy vs due to bad choices?

 

[bumbershoot]

This is exactly what both I and our councilor have told him and he has said that he´s o.k with that. Like you said, I don´t feel that I need to check everything, but I need everything to be open for me to do it IF I want to.

Deception is definitely the issue here. He made some very bad choices regarding money/finances, both in his business and our private economy and hid them from me. In the end though, it was him that came clean. I didn´t find out and confront him.

The information in that first paragraph is really great. He will have to be an open book for a LONG time. And defensiveness is not allowed on his part; well, he can FEEL defensive, but he doesn't get to act on it. You have to be able to KNOW what he is doing, that he is doing good things, not doing bad things, at all times.

And it is very positive that he came to you.

My FIL, I've posted this before, got himself into a huge, deep hole. Not in CC debt, but in taxes and just flat out having nothing to his name. And we only found out after he died. Turned out he hadn't filed taxes in 6 years, which resulted in over $50,000 in back taxes, fees, and interest on it all, for MIL when she finally found an accountant to take care of it all. We also found out he had taken 20,000 from her whole life insurance ("whole life" has a value you can cash out), by forging her signature and getting someone to witness "MIL" signing. We have NO idea where that money went.

He was a coward; the more we think on it, we think he willingly died (instead of fighting for his life) instead of telling his (scary) wife about what had been going on.

In comparison to that, your hubby is a very brave man (though I'm sure you are not scary like my MIL) for finally coming clean, even if it was because things were unraveling.


So just as long as he continues to be absolutely open, honest, and clear with you about it all, and never wonders "aren't you over this by now?", I think you guys stand a really great chance to come through this.

OH, also, from what I've noticed with FIL and to a lesser extent when DH is keeping relatively small things from me, many times, things are bad *because* of the secret. It's like it's impossible for them to be entirely normal, which makes the relationship harder and just *weird*. So once the secret is out, the relationship can breathe again, can take a big breath and get better. So you might find that just having this out in the open is going to help your relationship. And then you will have the counseling (he also might want to have individual counseling, perhaps with the same person, but perhaps with someone different, to work out, on his own, WHY he did this) to help things get even better.