I need to let it out.....

[CindyBella]

Today I went to a nail salon to have a pedicure with DD5 and DS9. Usually I would NOT bring them because they can be very impatient but, we had painters at our home all morning so we were trying to stay out of the house. We also had about an hour to kill before we saw Cars (for the 2nd time).

I sat down in the spa chair and of course DD5 hops into the one next to me. A worker in the salon working on another customer out of nowhere asks,"Is she your daughter?" "Yes", I reply thinking maybe she is going to say she needs the spa chair DD is sitting in. "Is she spanish" she asks-(now before I get into that, I should say that I am a very light skinned hispanic with dark hair and dark eyes. I am actually Mexican, German, Italian and Spanish. Most people assume I am caucasian. DD5 however has the most beautiful bronze skin that she gets from my DH She is gorgeous! Long dark hair and the biggest brown eyes you have ever seen.) Anyway, I guess I did not answer her quick enough because she repeats the question. I said, "yes, we are". Lady says, "so her Dad is?" Now I was getting mad and probably turning bright red and I said," yes, WE are". She asks," YOU? NO YOU ARE NOT!"---- what the?? I could not believe she was telling ME what I am! "Yes actually I am". I say and I give her a look of disgust. That does not shut her up! there was silence then she assumes, "Oh. She must be in the sun a lot". Then she looks at my complexion and back at my DD. At this point I just glared at her. Then she says, "She is pretty". I give her no response.

I know I probably should have told her to mind her own business or worse but ,DD was sitting right next to me. I did not want to make a big deal about it in front of my kids even though they were not even paying attention. I am just sad my feelings were so hurt. It is not the first time it has happened. I am sure it will not be the last, sadly. On the flip side many people tell me she looks just like me!

When the pedicure was over, I was flipping through a nail magazine eith DD. We were picking out our favorite colors then DD points to a pretty brunette with a nice tan and says, "this is me mommy" then pointing to a blonde fair skined woman says,"and that is you". Huuhhhh???? "I do not have blonde hair", I say. She says, "Well, you have that color of skin and I am kind of brown". I sucked it up and say, "You have a beautiful complexion I have a beautiful complexion. God makes us all different." I changed the conversation. Didn't want to talk about it in a nail salon. Maybe it is a coincedence that she brought that up but, I can't help but be angry at that woman if she made my DD wonder why she had so many questions!! This woman judged us by our skin complexion. She assumed we couldn't be mother and daughter. That kills me.

I could use some advice disfriends. I can be very emotional so I haven't told any friends or family about this woman. Not even DH.

 

[JadenLayne]

Even though she is your biological daughter I still felt like I could relate to your post. We are adopting a little girl from China. I am 100% American. I know that at times I'm going to get rude comments like that. Regardless she IS MY DAUGHTER no less than if she was born from me. I can't help the fact that God chose her to be Asian and that I have to go get her instead of birthing her. She is still mine.

I think you handled it well. I hope I can show tact when faced with questions about our differences.

 

[The_Horned_King]

I sucked it up and say, "You have a beautiful complexion I have a beautiful complexion. God makes us all different."

As I have never been in that situation I can't say much, But I think the line of text I quoted sums it up perfectly! If more people would just look at it that way!!! Who cares what color our skin is we are all Human.

 

[momrek06]

Ahh..OP, you and your DD will meet "all kinds" of people in your lifetime. I would just "blow it off"...that being said all kinds of people, professional or not mature or immature..will ask the most inappropriate questions at any given time in your life. It does truly amaze me some of the things (personal things) complete strangers will ask...like this lady at the nail salon insisting what your nationality was...OP, be proud BE VERY PROUD of everything that you stand for!! And if the lady challenges you, then consider the fact that SHE is the one w/issues!!! Actually, OP, you sounded like you handled the whole situation perfectly.

I will tell you, I have dark brown hair and brown eyes and my oldest DS has BLONDE HAIR AND BLUE EYES. Yup, I got asked DAILY when he was younger if I was the AUNT!!! DS #2 has my exact coloring except he is IDENTICAL to DS #1!! So funny sometimes when you try to figure out the genetics in all of this.. ! And I am certain at your DD's age, she did not understand or much less pay much attention to what this lady was saying...I definitely think it was a coincedence what DD said as you looked in that magazine.

 

[Keli]

My dd gets questions like that fairly frequently because of her dark hair and love of tanning (although she has blue eyes). Since they are almost always followed by a complement and don't seem derogatory in nature it's never bothered me or dd. But it does always surprise me that people do ask those types of questions of strangers.

I think you probably need to be careful that you don't give your dd signals that it is somehow not a good thing to have a darker complexion and dark hair. I think how you react to the questions is important. I think it would be wise to instantly answer how thankful you are that your dd has inherited her complexion from her father because it is so lovely.

 

[Stacerita]

I can totally relate. My mother is Mexican and my father is not. My mother is nicely tanned while I have fair skin. Plus when I was young I had light hair and green eyes. My mother has dark hair and brown eyes. On many occasions while growing up when we were out, people asked how long she was my nanny for, or whos kid she was babysitting. It really hurt her.

Now that I have a child of my own I feel her pain. My daughter is part pacific islander. She is nicely tan all year long, had dark hair and eyes. Her eyes look more almond shaped. When she was younger, I was constantly asked which Asian country did I adopt her from. Nope, shes mine.

Sometimes people are just rude. I would say dont let it get to you. But how can you not.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

As the white mother of an adopted African American child, I get this kind of comment alot. People can be really dumb and really intrusive. One of the worst was the woman who asked me if I'd "considered the possibility that DS's father might be Black" -- basically implying that I didn't know my child's father (I'm guessing that if she was thinking he was adopted she would have mentioned both parents). Luckily DS was tiny and didn't understand that one, although he's certainly understood other dumb things people say.

How I respond really varies, sometimes I give out some information and sometimes I tell the person to mind their own business. It depends on my mood and where I think they're going.

One thing I'd be careful about is implying to your daughter that being the "same" is important. Your beautiful daughter has clearly already noticed the difference in your skin tones. You don't want her to think that difference is bad. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, but I wouldn't ignore it either -- kids pretty quickly get the message that things we don't talk about are bad. There are some wonderful books out there that celebrate all the different shades people come in -- The Colors of Us is a favorite of ours. You can help her feel connected to your family by talking about this in the context of your family -- "You are so lucky to have your Abuela's dark brown eyes, or you get your lovely skin color from your dad".

Good luck!

 

[MosMom]

My husband is Native American and our daughter (as you can see in the pic, although she isn't AS tan as she can be) has his beautiful complexion. She has my blue eyes though. I am white with freckles. I have been asked "What is she?" before. WHAT IS SHE? She is a baby! Grrr.

The woman obviously has no home training, I would let it roll off.

 

[CindyBella]

My dd gets questions like that fairly frequently because of her dark hair and love of tanning (although she has blue eyes). Since they are almost always followed by a complement and don't seem derogatory in nature it's never bothered me or dd. But it does always surprise me that people do ask those types of questions of strangers.

I think you probably need to be careful that you don't give your dd signals that it is somehow not a good thing to have a darker complexion and dark hair. I think how you react to the questions is important. I think it would be wise to instantly answer how thankful you are that your dd has inherited her complexion from her father because it is so lovely.

It is funny, my skin is so transparent you can see the veins on my legs. I hesitate to wear skirts and if I do first I MUST use a tanner followed by airbrush pantyhose. I have made the comment of how lucky she is that she will never have to go through that because she has gorgeous legs. Well, she never forgot that. While looking at skirts at Banana Republic, DD grabbed one she wanted me to try on. I declined and she took pity on me and said, "It is ok you can wear it even if your legs aren't beautiful like mine!" I think she gets it. I just never want that to change.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

It happens,we just get over it right away. my mother is 100% mexican, but she is white white white and i took after my dad brown brown brown and nobody ever believed we were M&D, we just laughed and went on about our lives. i never envied my mother, since i looove the tan and i never let it bother me. i thought it was great that we were so different. In Mexico where we are from, there a lot of light haired light skinned Mexicans, so it's not rare at all.

 

[TerryKitten]

I know the feeling... I'm caucasian and my husband is asian. Our son looks very much like his father and is very cute. Once at DS daycare I had a mom say "you son looks asian". I told them "Why yes, because his father is asian". It took her a while to process that. He tans like his dad too. It will be a fun explination when he grows up as to why he and his dad tan, and his mom just feckles and burns.

 

[CindyBella]

It happens,we just get over it right away. my mother is 100% mexican, but she is white white white and i took after my dad brown brown brown and nobody ever believed we were M&D, we just laughed and went on about our lives. i never envied my mother, since i looove the tan and i never let it bother me. i thought it was great that we were so different. In Mexico where we are from, there a lot of light haired light skinned Mexicans, so it's not rare at all.

I had a great tan as a child. I do not know what happened to me. When you mentioned light haired, light skinned hispanics I thought of my sister who has light brown almost dark blonde hair and light brown eyes. We look nothing alike.My parents tell the story of how when my sister and I were babies, A lady came up to my parents and asked them, " what are you two mexicans doing with a white baby?"

 

[Sandy22]

Now that I have a child of my own I feel her pain. My daughter is part pacific islander. She is nicely tan all year long, had dark hair and eyes. Her eyes look more almond shaped. When she was younger, I was constantly asked which Asian country did I adopt her from. Nope, shes mine.

Sometimes people are just rude. I would say dont let it get to you. But how can you not.

(bold emphasis mine)
I know you weren't meaning anything by it but I think it's ironic that in a statement about how people can be rude, something you wrote could be perceived as rude to others. I think a lot of it depends on context and intent. I know you were trying to illustrate a point and not intending to offend anyone but as an adoptive parent, it's disheartning to hear this kind of comment.

As a caucasian mother of 2 children of african descent, I'm always asked if they are mine. Of course they are mine! Just because my children are adopted, it doesn't make them any less "mine".

 

[JadenLayne]

Of course they are mine! Just because my children are adopted, it doesn't make them any less "mine".

ITA!!!! Just because we haven't traveled to get our daughter yet she is still mine. God is the one who chose the legistics of where she is right now and He's wathcing her until I can get to her. She is still just as much mine as my 14 year old son that I gave birth to in the hospital.

 

[Michie]

Just be glad you were not mistaken for her grandmother Honestly, I would just let it go. Some people say things without thinking, we may take things the wrong way, etc. There are more things to be upset about.

 

[Beca]

Yeah....I know it can hurt, but I wouldn't worry about it, either....it really is not that big of a deal.

I am French/Irish descent...well, I look like my mom (Irish), and my sister DEFINITELY looks French...olive skinned, dark hair, dark eyes. My mom used to get (remember...this was the 1960's), "How nice of you to adopt a little Hispanic baby. And look...then God rewarded you with one of your own."

The good news is...I don't really think this **** is being passed down to the little ones...I know my dd (she is 4) doesn't think ANYTHING about the color of someone's skin or hair. After she began talking, I kept waiting for her to say something about someone's skin, hair or eye color. She never did. She doesn't even seem to notice that people are different. We've never talked about it, and she has friends of MANY races and skin colors. It is WONDERFUL!!! One of her friends at pre-school has Down Syndrome...my dd made friends with her the first day of class, and has never brought up anything about her being "different"...she's just her "friend".

My dd knows that people all look different...not better or worse...just different. I bet your dd feels much the same way.



Beca

 

[challada]

I know the feeling... I'm caucasian and my husband is asian. Our son looks very much like his father and is very cute. Once at DS daycare I had a mom say "you son looks asian". I told them "Why yes, because his father is asian". It took her a while to process that. He tans like his dad too. It will be a fun explination when he grows up as to why he and his dad tan, and his mom just feckles and burns.

That is TOTALLY my family! My two kids look like they their father and tan so nicely while "whitey" mom burns. When they were babies I was constantly asked where I adopted them from (and not to offend anyone here who adopts) but my response was always "MY WOMB" with a little eye roll. What does the dumb stranger at Costco really care where my kid came from????


Here's a funny story about it though: When I took DS in to the pediatrician for his 1 year old check up, my parents happened to be in town and went with me but my DH was working and could not. The pediatrician had a young female doctor subbing for him while he was on vacation. She came in, looked at DS, looked at me, looked at my parents, looked at DS and then started checking his vitals, etc. In a small voice, she said to me "do you know this baby has asian tendencies?" (what?) Now, he's not a newborn, he's a year old.....so my reaction was "NO! I can't believe it! You better not tell my husband as he's not figured that out yet!" and my parents just played along all shocked. I almost peed in my pants when the young pediatrician then started apologizing and trying to change the subject. I burst out laughing so hard that I had to tell her the truth!

 

[powellrj]

Just be glad you were not mistaken for her grandmother Honestly, I would just let it go. Some people say things without thinking, we may take things the wrong way, etc. There are more things to be upset about.

Ah yes, the double wammy. I get this one all the time.

Your granddaughter is lovely.

Thank-you, she is my daughter.

Oh, she must take after your husband......

GRRRRRR....

 

[Savsmommy]

I am white and my DH is black. I have light blonde, straight hair. My kids have the most gorgeous curly hair and beautiful tan skin color. We live in South Florida so people see mixed families here all the time so it's nothing new around here. I cant go anywhere without someone telling me how gorgeous my children are. I always tell my DD that people pay BIG money to get her skin color.
Some people can just be so rude.

 

[Chilehead Too]

I am all Italian and especially dark in the summer but my little one has white blonde hair and we get that all the time. Let it roll off your back, life is too short,