I need someone to feel sorry for me..

[bumbershoot]

..and when phone calls, emails, etc. aren't answered? I was serious about the disappearing thing. I need some friends that don't just care about how useful I am to them. And right now I'm not useful which makes me worthless.

As for my family, they tend to preempt me be making me feel that if I did need help I'd somehow be second class.. I recognize that they're manipulating me, I just don't know how to overcome it!

The kids are 13, 8, 7, and 2. They will pitch in, but not out of concern for me, and I think that's what I need most.

About the family...just don't respond to however they are saying that you're second class because you need help. "I need help in xyz ways, can you help me please". Again and again and again. If they ultimately just will not help you, guess that's fewer holiday cards and phone calls you'll have to make in the future, because they are telling you who they are, right there.

I'm sorry your kids don't act concerned about you. I'll say, I felt concerned for my mom from a very young age. Too young, and much too heavy for me (divorce, abuse), but I still was concerned and wanted to take her hurt away. My son at 5 is so sweet when I hurt or don't feel good. When I was old enough to drive, I took my mom home from outpatient hernia surgery, and drove more carefully than I ever have, so she didn't hurt. and so on.

But is it possible they are just *scared* to see you so hurt and not able to be your normal self? And so they aren't acting emotional about it when they do help out, perhaps to be strong for you? Since you do sound like a strong person, they might just be frightened, and are getting quiet about it b/c they don't know what to say/how to say it/if you want them to say it.


Friends...can really be rotten. I had friends from the age of 17, and they disappeared into thin air after I had my son. I might be the only woman who didn't have a single friend bring me something yummy to eat, or a frozen casserole, etc etc, because they just all went away. I was a huge help to them, even when far away, when their babies were brand new, and I just don't know why they went away. These "good" friends have seen my son once, maybe twice, if at all. So stinkin' sad.

And while those people might be "facebook" friends anymore, I don't rely on them for a single thing.


Ask your family flat out for help. Tell them that you need it, and why you need it. Have a conversation, perhaps asking a professional for a conversation-starter, with the kids, letting them know it's OK if they are scared/worried, etc...

Lastly... I can't even imagine the pain you must be in, and I just feel really bad for you and wish I could come do your dishes.

 

[luvsJack]

I may be wrong but I think you are hurting more from the inside than the outside. If you really believe that your friends think you are worthless if you can't be there for them, its time to get new friends. But, stop and think for a second; is it really them or is it you that thinks that? Call them (no emails or texts that can be ignored or just simply missed) and tell your friends what you need. See if something different happens.

As for your family--its time for a pow-wow with your kids. "mom's hurting and this is what needs to be done" Kids can really surprise you but sometimes they just need that initial push in the right direction. Its not that they are incapable of compassion for you, its just that you are mom; you have always been there to do what they need they don't get it when you can't be--so TELL them. You don't say what other relatives are close by but call them and say "hey, can you come by xxxxx, I need some help with xxxx."

You say yourself that you are too independent. Many times someone who is that independent has a hard time admitting they need help and do believe themselves to only be worth what they can do for others. Don't sell yourself short.

 

[squirrlygirl]

.... wish I could come do your dishes.

That's the nicest thing I've heard in weeks. thank you.

______________________

As for my family...I was referring to those that do not live with me. I've tried to make it as clear as I can on the kids. Maybe if typing were a bit easier at the moment I'd try again, but I'll just ignore any more advice aimed at my kids because they're not the focus of any of this.


I'm on a much more even keel today. I might even call my mom and TELL her I'll need help cooking Thanksgiving for 20+ people and NEED her to arrive early and see what she says

 

[pixiewings71]

Wow---the OP just needs a little sympathy and some of you are taking this in another direction.

You know, kids ARE perfectly capable of being sensitive and having compassion and empathy (maybe not at age two yet...but it's never too early for them to learn). Some of her kids are old enough to see when she is feeling badly, or having trouble doing something because it causes her pain, and they are not too immature to say a kind word, give her a hug, or offer to help her. Kids are not dumb---some may be self absorbed, but don't lump all kids into one catagory.

Just for the record, my kids know when I am sick, or am hurting and in pain, and they are very sensitive to me; they give me hugs, help me if I am having a hard time doing something in particular that they just happen to wittness, make me something to eat, etc.... maybe it's because I raised them to be sensitive to other people, I don't know. But, they have always been this way. Even my oldest DD's BFF text messages me and wishes me well, or says Happy Birthday, etc...

I feel kind of bad for the OP that all the people around her are being insensitive. They may not realize they are being that way, and I don't think (or know) that they are doing it on purpose---they probably aren't. But, I can relate to how she is feeling because my in-laws (especially), and even some of my extended family and some 'friends' are the same way.

I don't completely understand why you have to tell people how to act (unless it is your child and you are teaching them). People should know what empathy is, and should take it upon themselves to help others---not always wait to be asked. A real friend doesn't need to be asked. If they know you just had surgery, or are in a cast, are really sick, or on crutches, they should take a moment out of their busy lives to give you a call, or even offer to help even a tiny bit-- if it's possible. Even if they don't 'help' with anything, it just feels good to know someone is thinking of you and cared enough to take it upon themselves to call and let you know they at least are thinking about you, and they care. I realize people have very busy lives, but I hope people don't stop caring about others. And, when you ask for hugs on a message board, not to be told you are feeling sorry for yourself and acting like a victim. That's probably not making her feel any better.

See I agree with what you've said here, kids are capable. As I said in my OP my DD9 takes care of me when I'm sick, to the point of offering to cook dinner for the family. No I don't let her, but if she asks me if I want some water I'll gladly let her get it for me. Some kids just get it, others don't. I don't know if the kids or the way they are raised but it's true.

I agree with everything you said! I'm 16 and I've always been sympathetic when my mom was sick. I can remember doing what I could to help when she caught a bug(actually she caught it from me...) when I was 10 years old. And it is really nice to know people are thinking about you. You can really find out who your true friends are in situations like this

You are a great DD, your Mom is VERY lucky to have you!

About the family...just don't respond to however they are saying that you're second class because you need help. "I need help in xyz ways, can you help me please". Again and again and again. If they ultimately just will not help you, guess that's fewer holiday cards and phone calls you'll have to make in the future, because they are telling you who they are, right there.

I'm sorry your kids don't act concerned about you. I'll say, I felt concerned for my mom from a very young age. Too young, and much too heavy for me (divorce, abuse), but I still was concerned and wanted to take her hurt away. My son at 5 is so sweet when I hurt or don't feel good. When I was old enough to drive, I took my mom home from outpatient hernia surgery, and drove more carefully than I ever have, so she didn't hurt. and so on.

But is it possible they are just *scared* to see you so hurt and not able to be your normal self? And so they aren't acting emotional about it when they do help out, perhaps to be strong for you? Since you do sound like a strong person, they might just be frightened, and are getting quiet about it b/c they don't know what to say/how to say it/if you want them to say it.


Friends...can really be rotten. I had friends from the age of 17, and they disappeared into thin air after I had my son. I might be the only woman who didn't have a single friend bring me something yummy to eat, or a frozen casserole, etc etc, because they just all went away. I was a huge help to them, even when far away, when their babies were brand new, and I just don't know why they went away. These "good" friends have seen my son once, maybe twice, if at all. So stinkin' sad.

And while those people might be "facebook" friends anymore, I don't rely on them for a single thing.


Ask your family flat out for help. Tell them that you need it, and why you need it. Have a conversation, perhaps asking a professional for a conversation-starter, with the kids, letting them know it's OK if they are scared/worried, etc...

Lastly... I can't even imagine the pain you must be in, and I just feel really bad for you and wish I could come do your dishes.

Molly, you're a sweetheart! What a nice thing to say.

 

[Tink9721]

You are a great DD, your Mom is VERY lucky to have you!

Thank you!