I need someone to feel sorry for me..

[squirrlygirl]

Wow, Minkydog. You misunderstood me.

 

[wvjules]

Wow, Minkydog. You misunderstood me.

I think she had some great advice.

 

[minkydog]

Wow, Minkydog. You misunderstood me.

Really? what part did I misunderstand? The part where you wrote I need someone to feel sorry for me? Or the part about your 13, 8,7, & 2 year olds not showing proper concern?

Truly, I'm in your court. I know you're in a difficult situation, one I have been in myself. I'm not trying to put you down. Simply giving you some idea that worked for me. I'm empathizing with you. I'm sorry you took it as criticism.

 

[pixiewings71]

..and when phone calls, emails, etc. aren't answered? I was serious about the disappearing thing. I need some friends that don't just care about how useful I am to them. And right now I'm not useful which makes me worthless.

As for my family, they tend to preempt me be making me feel that if I did need help I'd somehow be second class.. I recognize that they're manipulating me, I just don't know how to overcome it!

The kids are 13, 8, 7, and 2. They will pitch in, but not out of concern for me, and I think that's what I need most.

I'm sorry your friend/family aren't helping! That's terrible!
As for your kids, I'm really sorry your 13 & 8 y.o. aren't concerned.....my DD9 is always taking care of me when I'm sick, to the point where she will make dinner for the whole family if I let her! My 13 y.o. isn't quite so great at that end of things but she too helps me when I need it and I don't need to ask more then once most times. I think they need a good talking to, let them know that you need their help until you're better, that you'll be depending on them to help you with things. I know you've got a little one, but the little one can still help Momma out.

Finally, I hope you feel better soon, and I hope your family/friends man up and help you out!

 

[squirrlygirl]

Really? what part did I misunderstand? The part where you wrote I need someone to feel sorry for me? Or the part about your 13, 8,7, & 2 year olds not showing proper concern?

Truly, I'm in your court. I know you're in a difficult situation, one I have been in myself. I'm not trying to put you down. Simply giving you some idea that worked for me. I'm empathizing with you. I'm sorry you took it as criticism.

My point was that my kids couldn't give me what I need emotionally. I never said that I felt I was worthless; I said others did. And I'm sorry but I just didn't feel the love when you said I had a poor-me/victim attitude. More than likely the opposite is true-I'm so hellbent on being independent that I've conditioned those around me to assume it's true. But now I need them, and they're not there.

But thanks for trying to help

 

[minkydog]

My point was that my kids couldn't give me what I need emotionally. I never said that I felt I was worthless; I said others did. And I'm sorry but I just didn't feel the love when you said I had a poor-me/victim attitude. More than likely the opposite is true-I'm so hellbent on being independent that I've conditioned those around me to assume it's true. But now I need them, and they're not there.

But thanks for trying to help

I know you never said you were worthless. My point is that despite how others think, you are definitely NOT worthless. The statement was meant to be kind and reassuring.

But I have to say, looking to your kids to meet your adult emotional needs is probably not going to work out for you. I think it's a mistake to look to our young children to have our emotional needs met. Most children are pretty egocentric--they simply are not mature enough to put your needs ahead of their own.

I get that you feel abandoned. I would feel abandoned too if my family and friends were not being responsive to me. That's why I suggested that you might want to pay an older teen to come in and help you at times. I know my DD16 would jump at the chance to make a little money watching young children or doing laundry or starting dinner for you. You probably can't change the way your family thinks and acts. All you can change is the way you respond to them.

 

[princess momma]

My point was that my kids couldn't give me what I need emotionally. I never said that I felt I was worthless; I said others did. And I'm sorry but I just didn't feel the love when you said I had a poor-me/victim attitude. More than likely the opposite is true-I'm so hellbent on being independent that I've conditioned those around me to assume it's true. But now I need them, and they're not there.

But thanks for trying to help

I'm sorry, but your children are not of an age where they can give you the kind of emotional support that you seem to want from them. They're just kids and have not developed that kind of thinking yet.

And now you're saying you're extremely independent, so I'm a bit confused. Maybe your friends and family are also.

It does sound like you need some emotional support, but I don't think you need people to feel sorry for you. I don't think that will be productive for you at all.

 

[kim929]

i can totally relate, I have been out of work due to injuring my back, hip and knee. my dh thinks I'm on vacation and should still beable to do everything around the house, cause as he said, your home all day.....

 

[squirrlygirl]

OK.... to spell this out....

I do not expect my children to emotionally be there for me, nor did I say that.

Minkydog said that, NOT ME.

I said they couldn't. I never said they should. I'm sorry that wasn't clear.

 

[Magic Mom]

Wow, Minkydog. You misunderstood me.

She gave you hugs, sympathized with you...AND gave you good advice and this is how you respond to her? Wow.

 

[minkydog]

The kids are 13, 8, 7, and 2. They will pitch in, but not out of concern for me, and I think that's what I need most.

My point was that my kids couldn't give me what I need emotionally.

OK.... to spell this out....

I do not expect my children to emotionally be there for me, nor did I say that.

Minkydog said that, NOT ME.

I said they couldn't. I never said they should. I'm sorry that wasn't clear.

I simply quoted your own statements. Now I think I understand that what you MEANT to say in the beginning was not that your kids can't give you what you need emotionally and are not pitching in our of concern for you,but that you DON'T EXPECT your children to function that role. Right? Wow, already to page 3. See what a little clarification can do?

 

[Tink9721]

I'm only 16, but I'm already fairly independent, and sometimes my friends think that means that I don't need hugs and that I can deal with EVERYTHING on my own. Sometimes people just don't realize that everyone can use a hug

 

[Disney Doll]

 

[mickyzzzzz05]

 

[dismom2]

I know exactly what you are going through..BTDT. So...here is a for you. I don't understand why people act like, but I hope you feel better soon.

 

[dismom2]

I'm sorry, but your children are not of an age where they can give you the kind of emotional support that you seem to want from them. They're just kids and have not developed that kind of thinking yet.

And now you're saying you're extremely independent, so I'm a bit confused. Maybe your friends and family are also.

It does sound like you need some emotional support, but I don't think you need people to feel sorry for you. I don't think that will be productive for you at all.

Wow---the OP just needs a little sympathy and some of you are taking this in another direction.

You know, kids ARE perfectly capable of being sensitive and having compassion and empathy (maybe not at age two yet...but it's never too early for them to learn). Some of her kids are old enough to see when she is feeling badly, or having trouble doing something because it causes her pain, and they are not too immature to say a kind word, give her a hug, or offer to help her. Kids are not dumb---some may be self absorbed, but don't lump all kids into one catagory.

Just for the record, my kids know when I am sick, or am hurting and in pain, and they are very sensitive to me; they give me hugs, help me if I am having a hard time doing something in particular that they just happen to wittness, make me something to eat, etc.... maybe it's because I raised them to be sensitive to other people, I don't know. But, they have always been this way. Even my oldest DD's BFF text messages me and wishes me well, or says Happy Birthday, etc...

I feel kind of bad for the OP that all the people around her are being insensitive. They may not realize they are being that way, and I don't think (or know) that they are doing it on purpose---they probably aren't. But, I can relate to how she is feeling because my in-laws (especially), and even some of my extended family and some 'friends' are the same way.

I don't completely understand why you have to tell people how to act (unless it is your child and you are teaching them). People should know what empathy is, and should take it upon themselves to help others---not always wait to be asked. A real friend doesn't need to be asked. If they know you just had surgery, or are in a cast, are really sick, or on crutches, they should take a moment out of their busy lives to give you a call, or even offer to help even a tiny bit-- if it's possible. Even if they don't 'help' with anything, it just feels good to know someone is thinking of you and cared enough to take it upon themselves to call and let you know they at least are thinking about you, and they care. I realize people have very busy lives, but I hope people don't stop caring about others. And, when you ask for hugs on a message board, not to be told you are feeling sorry for yourself and acting like a victim. That's probably not making her feel any better.

 

[Tink9721]

Wow---the OP just needs a little sympathy and some of you are taking this in another direction.

You know, kids ARE perfectly capable of being sensitive and having compassion and empathy (maybe not at age two yet...but it's never too early for them to learn). Some of her kids are old enough to see when she is feeling badly, or having trouble doing something because it causes her pain, and they are not too immature to say a kind word, give her a hug, or offer to help her. Kids are not dumb---some may be self absorbed, but don't lump all kids into one catagory.

Just for the record, my kids know when I am sick, or am hurting and in pain, and they are very sensitive to me; they give me hugs, help me if I am having a hard time doing something in particular that they just happen to wittness, make me something to eat, etc.... maybe it's because I raised them to be sensitive to other people, I don't know. But, they have always been this way. Even my oldest DD's BFF text messages me and wishes me well, or says Happy Birthday, etc...

I feel kind of bad for the OP that all the people around her are being insensitive. They may not realize they are being that way, and I don't think (or know) that they are doing it on purpose---they probably aren't. But, I can relate to how she is feeling because my in-laws (especially), and even some of my extended family and some 'friends' are the same way.

I don't completely understand why you have to tell people how to act (unless it is your child and you are teaching them). People should know what empathy is, and should take it upon themselves to help others---not always wait to be asked. A real friend doesn't need to be asked. If they know you just had surgery, or are in a cast, are really sick, or on crutches, they should take a moment out of their busy lives to give you a call, or even offer to help even a tiny bit-- if it's possible. Even if they don't 'help' with anything, it just feels good to know someone is thinking of you and cared enough to take it upon themselves to call and let you know they at least are thinking about you, and they care. I realize people have very busy lives, but I hope people don't stop caring about others. And, when you ask for hugs on a message board, not to be told you are feeling sorry for yourself and acting like a victim. That's probably not making her feel any better.

I agree with everything you said! I'm 16 and I've always been sympathetic when my mom was sick. I can remember doing what I could to help when she caught a bug(actually she caught it from me...) when I was 10 years old. And it is really nice to know people are thinking about you. You can really find out who your true friends are in situations like this

 

[GraysMom]

I'm sorry you're hurting inside and out. I fell two weeks ago and badly sprained my foot and ankle. My DS4 has been a huge help with things around the house (although I do have to ask him since he doesn't necessarily see what needs to be done), giving me little foot rubs, snuggling and trying to help me walk with my crutches (he even wanted to help DH pull me out of the tub last night ). Even two random little kids at the playground the other day were offering to help me walk with my crutches (and they were 3-4 years old).

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your older 3 kids to show some compassion towards you. I also think they should be helping around the house a lot more. Do your kids have any regular chores? I think it's time to make each one a chore list if they don't already have one. Think of the household chores that cause you the most pain and see what parts of those jobs the kids can do. The oldest could easily wash and dry the laundry and the other kids could help fold and put it away. Dishes being loaded in the dishwasher and clean dishes put away is also something the oldest couple of kids could do. Living in a family means helping to care for the house together.

Good luck OP. I hope you get some relief soon.

 

[dismom2]

I agree with everything you said! I'm 16 and I've always been sympathetic when my mom was sick. I can remember doing what I could to help when she caught a bug(actually she caught it from me...) when I was 10 years old. And it is really nice to know people are thinking about you. You can really find out who your true friends are in situations like this

You sound like a great daughter....good for you , and good for your mom for raising you to be like that.

Your last sentence is so very true!

 

[Tink9721]

You sound like a great daughter....good for you , and good for your mom for raising you to be like that.

Aww thank you My mom always takes care of me when I'm sick so I try to take care of her

Your last sentence is so very true!

Yup. Sad, but true. Being a teenage girl, I have plenty of experience with that. Stupid high school drama and people pretending to be someone's friend As hard as a situation like that is, it's probably a good thing to know who your real friends are so you know who you can depend on in the long run.