I need some parenting advice! What would you do??

[roliepolieoliefan]

MY DS who is 7 has been friends with this little boy, same age, since they were about 18 months old. In the meantime, his parents, and my DH and I have also become friends. We get together often so the kids could play. And during the football season, we do one game at their house, next game our house. Yesterday, we were at their house to watch the Steelers-Colts game. (woo-hoo steelers, btw ) The boys, plus their 4 yo DS and my 2 yo DD also were there. For the most part they get along. Sometimes a tift here and there but nothing major.

Fast forward today. The mom of the other boy , her 2 kids plus my DS and DD all got together to go to Pizza Hut. DS begged to go. We ate all was fine. Then her DS said, mine told him, he wished he was dead. I confronted my DS, he said I wished I was too, then started to cry. We went to the bathroom, he told me the other boy was singing and acting weird and he doesn't like him anymore so he told him that. I told him, we don't talk that way, yada yada to apologize. He did, and they were best buddies like nothing happened.

Well my DS was supposed to get a number 7 , Ben R. shirt after lunch. Needless to say, we skipped our trip to the mall. And DS has no school tomorrow too, so we were going to go to the local science center, which he's dying to go to. He's in his room now. There are no toys, TV or computer so I know he's doing nothing. I feel really bad about what he said to the little boy and about himself. He said he said it about himself because I embarressed him, when I confronted him. Why do I feel guilty for not buying him the shirt? Would you take him to the Science Center? I'm so mad though I want him to sit in his room indefinetly. Has your kids ever said this?

And the reason I had kids is...... Seriously any advice appreciated.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

I don't have any advice, but please go give him hugs and take him to the Science Center tomorrow.

 

[DawnCt1]

I think you need to put into perspective the age of your child. He is still at an age where "dead" isn't necessarily a "permanent affair", in his magical thinking, it may just mean "gone for awhile". He said something inappropriate. The other child's feelings were hurt. You told him that it is not a nice thing to say and that he needs to apologize for hurting someone elses feelings. You could perhaps tell him that giving the other child useful information like, "you are embarrassing me, please stop" may have gotton the results that he wanted.
It is more important that he learn not to hurt someone's feelings because it isn't nice, not because he is afraid of being punished. In some way, it makes the other child's acting out more acceptable than his one indiscretion. Another thought, as I just reread your post. Your own child said he wished he was dead. It almost sounds as if he is trying to "even things up", (he's dead, the other boy's dead, everything is fair). I would also tell him that its not nice to say that either but I wouldn't dwell on it. That is the kind of negative behavior that you don't want to give a lot of attention to. I would go to the science center and resume your lives. Maybe he needs a break from the other kid for a while. Familiarity sometimes breeds contempt.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

no, if my child told another child that he wished he was dead - he would definately be grounded for at least one afternoon. You feel bad because you want to take him shopping and buy him a shirt and now you can't, that is a pretty normal reaction on your part.

As for the boys not getting along, that isn't uncommon for the age group. They pull apart and snap back together as their temperments and personalities evolve and change. I would suggest just not forcing the issue. Chances are pretty good that next week they'll be good friends again.

There is a societal law in our house that you have to be polite to everyone, but there is no law that says you have to be best friends with everyone. It is perfectly ok to not want to share activities together with another child all of the time, even if you have been best friends since toddlerhood. But you might request that he make those wishes known to you BEFORE you all leave for Pizza Hut next time.

 

[Art Vandalay]

In my experience, 7 year olds often say things that are very inappropriate when they don't really mean them. They're just upset with something and don't really know how to express it properly.

Certainly punishment is warranted for that behavior. But I would take him to the Science Center after talking to him a good bit about why his behavior was unacceptable. Not getting the shirt was the right thing to do, IMO. Immediate consequences for his behavior reinforce it at that age.

 

[DawnCt1]

In my experience, 7 year olds often say things that are very inappropriate when they don't really mean them. They're just upset with something and don't really know how to express it properly.

Certainly punishment is warranted for that behavior. But I would take him to the Science Center after talking to him a good bit about why his behavior was unacceptable. Not getting the shirt was the right thing to do, IMO. Immediate consequences for his behavior reinforce it at that age.

Exactly, short term pain gets the message across quite effectively. Long and drawn consequences have diminishing returns. I can remember when I was a kid having an arguement with someone and saying "Drop dead"! It wasn't so un PC in those days.

 

[FreshTressa]

In my experience, 7 year olds often say things that are very inappropriate when they don't really mean them. They're just upset with something and don't really know how to express it properly.

Certainly punishment is warranted for that behavior. But I would take him to the Science Center after talking to him a good bit about why his behavior was unacceptable. Not getting the shirt was the right thing to do, IMO. Immediate consequences for his behavior reinforce it at that age.

Yup, I agree!

 

[disykat]

I think you were right to skip the shopping. If you haven't already told him you're not going to the science center, I'd go ahead and take him. One consequence is enough IMO.

 

[mom2boys]

In my experience, 7 year olds often say things that are very inappropriate when they don't really mean them. They're just upset with something and don't really know how to express it properly.

Certainly punishment is warranted for that behavior. But I would take him to the Science Center after talking to him a good bit about why his behavior was unacceptable. Not getting the shirt was the right thing to do, IMO. Immediate consequences for his behavior reinforce it at that age.

I also agree.
Maybe the kids need a break from each other for a little while.

 

[txgirl]

I think you did everything right! And without the shame and guilt and wonder, then what kind of mommy would you be???

Seriously, you sound like me. When our kids say such off the wall things we wonder how *we* went wrong, but honestly they just spout off without realizing what they sound like.

Don't stress about the "future" of the friendship. It will survive through this for sure if it is worth a hill of beans!

Blessings!

Oh yea and.........

GO STEELERS! STOMP THE BRONCOS!!!!!!

 

[Blondy876]

I think taking away the shirt was probably enough punishment. Was what he said nice? No. You explained that to him, you made him apologize and you took away the shirt. Enough, I would definitely take him tomorrow.

If this other child was bothering him and he couldn't make him stop, telling him that he wished he would die was most likely a last resort. Nothing else worked so he tried to find something effective. Many kids at 7 say things like this, they move on from hitting when upset (like toddlers do) and find words to use instead. Maybe not the nicest ones but it got his point across. Your best bet would be to give him something to say when something like this happens. Tell him he MUST be polite but he can nicely say "I don't like when you do that, please stop." Then tell him that if being polite doesn't work to come to you or another grown up and walk away. This way instead of punishing him for handling things badly you have taught him how to handle them correctly.

His telling you that he wanted to die was his way of saying "You embarrssed me and I wish I could start over." Also at 7 death is not permanent in their minds yet. It is a idea that they are just starting to understand. He's not a bad kid, he's just trying to figure things out.

 

[momof2inPA]

I think taking away the shirt is enough. My kids were so worked up after that game yesterday they couldn't stop fighting, one's a Steeler's fan and one's a Colt's fan. Plus, they saw all of us adults get so tense and argumentative (after that terrible Polamalu call) that I think it just spilled over into their behavior. We said things we wouldn't normally say in front of the kids; they said things they wouldn't normally say, etc. Have fun at the Science Center.

 

[Lil_Tink]

When I was little I always said "I wish I was never born" and finally I got over it and realized how lucky I was to be alive.. I mean there are people dieing of cancer at age 7.....

So dont really have any ideas but maybe have this be the 'warning' and if it happens again show him the children cancer patients.

 

[foolishmortal]

Well I would let him sit in his room the rest of today, and maybe tonight have another talk with him just to reiterate why he shouldn't say those type of things.

But tomorrow I would still have the day as planned. but instead of taking him to the store to buy a # 7 ben r shirt, I would probably buy him a nice blue and orange #24 Champ Bailey jersey... just kidding on that part of course

 

[elismom]

I could get flamed for this but
What does the shirt and his visit to the science center have to do with what he said to his friend.
I would make him tell him he was sorry to his friend and maybe talk about how feelings can get hurt when we say mean things to other people.
I can't be the only one who thinks this way

 

[DawnCt1]

I could get flamed for this but
What does the shirt and his visit to the science center have to do with what he said to his friend.
I would make him tell him he was sorry to his friend and maybe talk about how feelings can get hurt when we say mean things to other people.
I can't be the only one who thinks this way

I agree with you . I don't think what he said meant the same thing to him as it did to his mom. It was something to say for lack of something else to say. The goal is to teach.

 

[barkley]

just a question-do the boys actualy like each other? are the get togethers initiated by both kids or more one than another or the parents? i know op's son asked to go along on the pizza trip-but was that to be with the other boy or just to have the opportunity to go out for pizza?

i ask because i've seen lots of friendships that started as toddlers (op sez kids became friends at 18 monts) that more or less continued because either the parents became close or it became very one sided on one child's part. it's unusual for kids to stay best buds for a long period of time at this age, and realy unusual for them to maintain it (unless they go to school together, are in the same activities...) from age 18 months-age 7.

i think talking to him about the inappropriateness of his remark is in line, but like many have posted-this is a pretty common comment at that age (and i'm kind of surprised the other kid "tattled" on him-with most it would just roll off their backs-is the other kid maybe a bit more immature? the whole singing in the kids face sounds more like preschool annoying).

see if the son even wants to interact with this other child-he may have only been doing it as a way to be able to participate in certain outings or activities.

 

[txgirl]

I could get flamed for this but
What does the shirt and his visit to the science center have to do with what he said to his friend.
I would make him tell him he was sorry to his friend and maybe talk about how feelings can get hurt when we say mean things to other people.
I can't be the only one who thinks this way

No flames, but an opinion from a mom who parents this way.
Sometimes consequences are logical and and make sense (like, you made a mess and now you have to clean it up) but sometimes consequences are not directly linked to the behavior. For example, when we speed in our cars we get tickets. Logically you would think we should lose the priviledge to drive a car but rather there is a different consequence that is costly and causes you (or hopefully causes you ) to drive slower. Mom is trying to get her son to see that negative choices result in negative consequences.

The way I tell my kids is when you choose (A)-assuming (A) is a bad choice then it should cost you so when in that situation again you think twice about that choice.

In the same way that we (adults) would never respond well to a police officer pulling us over and giving us a *talking to* about the dangers of driving too fast-don't you think we might abuse that method of stopping the speeder? (we need consequences) I would equate the Mom trying to tell her son that *words hurt people*. The talk is important as well as the consequences.

The museum may have been a bit much but we have all been there! Either way, applying consequences *consistently* is the key for our family.

Remember, her son didn't just speak ugly to the friend he also disrespected mom. Appropriate discipline was applied IMO.

 

[elismom]

Sometimes consequences are logical and and make sense (like, you made a mess and now you have to clean it up) but sometimes consequences are not directly linked to the behavior. For example, when we speed in our cars we get tickets. Logically you would think we should lose the priviledge to drive a car but rather there is a different consequence that is costly and causes you (or hopefully causes you ) to drive slower. Mom is trying to get her son to see that negative choices result in negative consequences.

Yes I know what you are trying to say but we know that if we drive to fast or make some other in fraction with our car what the punishment will be before we do it.
Its always the same You get fined or worse loss your right to drive.
The problem with the punishment not fitting the crime is you always have to make it up as you go.
What do you do when you run out of things to take away (believe me this can happen)
Doent make sense "be mean to someone lose your shirt'

 

[KAMLEM]

What do you do when you run out of things to take away (believe me this can happen)
Doent make sense "be mean to someone lose your shirt'

I disagree, I think it makes sense. If he is mean, he is punished. This time the punishment was that he didn't get to go shopping to buy his shirt. A kid has to know that there are consequences to their actions and this demonstrates that.