I need some help...

[horseshowmom]

I need some constructive help. What do you tell a friend whose husband of 30 years has decided that he "isn't happy anymore" and wants a divorce?

This person was taken off guard and had no idea this was coming. They had some problems several years ago, but she thought they had worked through them. He's always seemed a little bit removed from the family though to me.

To answer your next question, he denies there's "anyone else". Of course, they pretty much all deny that, don't they? I know DH's ex tried to make him feel like dirt for even thinking such a thing and that was while she hopped from bed to bed like some kind of warped Easter Bunny.

Next question, do I think they might get back together? I really doubt it since it's gone this far, but you never know. He has already moved out.

I'm going to spend some time with her one evening this week and need some help as to what I can say that will help. Yes, I want to tell her that she's better off without him, that he's sorry and good for nothing, to make sure she's got a good lawyer, etc., but the truth is that I don't think that's what she needs to hear right now.

I just want to find a way to help her get through this hard, hard time. She's absolutely adorable (looks 15 years younger than she is), and I believe that at some time in the future she'll find somebody who will give her the love that she deserves, but that doesn't help right now.

This is a woman who has been devoted to both her family and to the community. She truly is one of the finest people I know. My heart breaks for her.

Please help...

 

[Sandy V.]

First of all, you sound like a really good friend to be so concerned.

I guess the most important things to say to her are "I'm so sorry that you're going through this", "I care about you", and "I'll be here whenever you need to talk." And then just listen to her.

I would be extremely wary of saying ANYTHING negative about her husband, because you just can never tell if they'll get back together or not. And anything that you DID say about him could come back to bite you in the butt and end the friendship.

Be there to help build her personal confidence, compliment her when she looks nice, go out to lunch/dinner with her whenever you can, go shopping, talk to her on the phone just to say "hi" and "I'm thinking about you." If you have any special expertise in any areas she's going to need (i.e., job training, legal, etc.), then be prepared to send her to the appropriate people so she gets the help that she needs.

Specific words aren't going to help her. Only time, and knowing that she's got a great friend to talk to will.

Hugs to both of you.

 

[paigevz]

As Sandy said, you say "I'm sorry" and then just listen to her.

 

[horseshowmom]

First of all, you sound like a really good friend to be so concerned.

I guess the most important things to say to her are "I'm so sorry that you're going through this", "I care about you", and "I'll be here whenever you need to talk." And then just listen to her.

I would be extremely wary of saying ANYTHING negative about her husband, because you just can never tell if they'll get back together or not. And anything that you DID say about him could come back to bite you in the butt and end the friendship.

Be there to help build her personal confidence, compliment her when she looks nice, go out to lunch/dinner with her whenever you can, go shopping, talk to her on the phone just to say "hi" and "I'm thinking about you." If you have any special expertise in any areas she's going to need (i.e., job training, legal, etc.), then be prepared to send her to the appropriate people so she gets the help that she needs.

Specific words aren't going to help her. Only time, and knowing that she's got a great friend to talk to will.

Hugs to both of you.

I've already thought about being careful about what I say about her husband (which is one of the reasons that I'm asking for help). For the sake of the family, I do wish they could work things out, but I wonder whether that will happen.

She is employed and very well educated, so at least she doesn't have to worry about a job and job skills.

Thanks for the suggestions, I so much wish this wasn't happening to her.

 

[horseshowmom]

As Sandy said, you say "I'm sorry" and then just listen to her.

When we talked on the phone yesterday, that was about all I could come up with. Usually, when I have friends come to me with a personal problem, I can generally help them feel better by the time they leave (my boss says I was hired because I've got a reputation as a problem solver ). But in this case, I just can't find the words. I can't seem to get my mind/heart around it...

Thanks for the help!

 

[trip]

Make sure she has a great lawyer and then "just be there for her".

 

[paigevz]

When we talked on the phone yesterday, that was about all I could come up with. Usually, when I have friends come to me with a personal problem, I can generally help them feel better by the time they leave (my boss says I was hired because I've got a reputation as a problem solver ). But in this case, I just can't find the words. I can't seem to get my mind/heart around it...

Thanks for the help!

I know, it's very hard to know you can't "fix it" and you just have to listen, not knowing how to "fix it". I am the same way. It stresses me. But even though it stresses me, I know taking on just a fraction of the stress they have to give them that sounding board is worth it if it relieves their stress even a fraction. That's what friends are for..............

 

[I Love Pluto]

Just listening...just hanging out with her so that she has someone to open up to...that's the mark of a true friend. You're obviously a very caring person. She is lucky to have a friend like you. I agree with the others to NOT put her husband down in any way, even if it's hard. (If they do get back together, then you will be their target.)
I wonder why hubby didn't say anything 29 1/2 years ago!

 

[horseshowmom]

Thanks for the help! I wish we lived closer together (over an hour apart). I'm not very convenient to her which makes me feel even more helpless. Still, I appreciate the support. Thanks again...

 

[Hannathy]

sometimes it is good to have a phone friend when you are going thru heck! Often it is easier to talk and open up to someone on the phone and not sitting there staring at you. I spent hours on the phone with a very good friend when they were going thru their break up and divorce. I was able to talk late at night on the phone when I never would have been able to be somewhere with them at 2 AM. You can keep yourself busy during normal hours but the night is awful so maybe if you can with work tell her it is ok to call when she feels all alone and overwhelmed at midnight. If you can't just call frequently, and they don't all have to be long emotional calls remember to treat her normal and call her with a funny story or ask her her oppinion on a problem of yours or your kids etc.
Good luck I think one of the biggest fears in a break up after so long is the fear of embarrasment and that you will loose friends.

 

[JennaTX]

I would say like many others have said is just listen, just be there, ask her what you can do, if she has kids offer to watch them for an hour or two while she does what she needs to do, etc.


If this is the first time you have talked to her since this has happened, she will probably just need to vent. At some point later you can talk to her about lawyers, how better life will be etc.

It sounds like you are a great friend, she is lucky to have you!

 

[Clotho]

First of all, you sound like a really good friend to be so concerned.

I guess the most important things to say to her are "I'm so sorry that you're going through this", "I care about you", and "I'll be here whenever you need to talk." And then just listen to her.

I would be extremely wary of saying ANYTHING negative about her husband, because you just can never tell if they'll get back together or not. And anything that you DID say about him could come back to bite you in the butt and end the friendship.

Be there to help build her personal confidence, compliment her when she looks nice, go out to lunch/dinner with her whenever you can, go shopping, talk to her on the phone just to say "hi" and "I'm thinking about you." If you have any special expertise in any areas she's going to need (i.e., job training, legal, etc.), then be prepared to send her to the appropriate people so she gets the help that she needs.

Specific words aren't going to help her. Only time, and knowing that she's got a great friend to talk to will.

Hugs to both of you.

Sandy, this is PERFECT advice.

Our first instinct is often to diminish that which is hurting our friend, but even if they don't get back together, it isn't really helpful pr productive to dwell on the negative or diminish that which they have loved and devoted themselves to for so long.

Be practical, focus on what she can DO, for her own sanity and emotional health, as well as pracitcally (like a lawyer when it comes to that).

Just love her and pray for her (or whatever your version of prayer is--sending good Juju into the ether for her, if you will). Pamper her when you can, do little things to make her feel cared for and supported.

And remember YOUR limits. You are not a bottomless put of giving. You may need to take breaks from her drama from time-to-time so at times when she REALLY needs you, you can be completely available to her. Don't wear yourself out and end up resenting her, know what I mean? Seems impossible right now, but a few long, inconsolable venting sessions can wear out even Mother Theresa.

Everyone should be so lucky as to have a friend like you.

 

[horseshowmom]

Thanks to everyone for your words of advice. I appreciate the help. I just can't imagine what this man is thinking... It's definitely going to be his loss in the end, but right now, it's hers, and she's drowning in it. I guess there's not much but time to get her through it (and I'm a firm believer in those prayers).

Thank you again...