I need some help/ advice...

[starrzone]

This has turned out to be long, so please bear with me...

I'm female and have been best friends with this guy, "Jake", for almost 17 years now (he's 27 and I'm 26). We lived in the same area for a long time, and would spend all kinds of time together. We have many, MANY of the same interests; he's one of the only people I feel comfortable telling personal stuff to, and I never EVER have to worry about my quirks around him because he shares many of the same ones (including watching the movie "Big Business" over and over and over... ).

Anyhow, to the point of my rambling...Jake and I have traveled together at least once a year since 1999. I have gotten to see him away from home and friends and family, and how he acts when he's around people who don't know him. For the past few years, I've noticed subtle clues that point to the fact that he might be gay. I really didn't care; I love this guy like a brother and he is very very close to me and knows my family very well; he's like another member of our household. The only thing that bothered me was that he seemed a bit unhappy; like he was holding back or hiding something because he was scared to let people know the truth. He didn't say a word to me about anything, and we are very close.

Then, last night, I was talking on MSN to him about some issues with a guy I'm seeing, and he listened and gave me some super good advice and calmed me down. We chatted for a bit about nothing and then finally, FINALLY, he came out to me. I almost cried, because a person I care about only as much as my own family felt comfortable enough to tell me this; I don't even know if he's told his family yet. He even said that it was so hard for him to do this; that it was hard to find a way to tell someone he has known for 17 years that he was gay.

I guess the point of all this is...I'm glad he told me. I was kind of expecting it eventually and I think coming out to me is a huge relief to him. Luckily, he lives in a city where he has friends from various backgrounds and that has a huge GLBT community; the city where I live and where we both grew up is smaller and the community is small but growing. The thing is, I have no idea what to do to support him. I know that coming out to his family is going to be very hard; his grandparents are quite religious and set in their ways, so to speak (his grandmother sent a minister to his cousin's house to have a "talk" because he and his girlfriend were "living in sin". She also refers to the daughter of another cousin as a "b-word referring to the child of an unmarried couple" because her parents were not married at the time she was born). Anyhow, I just want some advice as to what to do. Maybe that will be nothing, just to be there for him and to listen.

Thanks for listening to me too...I have been lurking here for awhile and love the welcoming, warm atmosphere. You are all great and I'm sure I'll be joining in some discussions!

Oh, and does anyone have a GLBT blinkie that I can put in my siggie? Just something small...I don't want to have to displace Daniel Craig, lol!

 

[rosiep]

Your instincts are good. You know he's going to need a lot of emotional support in the upcoming days and it sounds as if he knows you'll be there for him. Truely, that's all you can do. Let him know he's loved by you and accepted for all of who he is.

He's lucky to have you as a friend.

Welcome to this forum..it's a fun place to be...

 

[ConcKahuna]

It's always good to have someone to help support you when you're comming out. It's a tough time

As for a blinkie, the DIS has a great one..

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Continue to do what you have always done. Be his dear and close friend. {{{hugs}}}

Send him here to this board too, if you like. We can all support him.

Sorry but his relative sounds like she needs some sort of intervention. Using that kind of language to describe a person's birth "status" is disgusting and nothing short of obscene.

Your friend is really going to need your support and love.

 

[starrzone]

Thanks guys...you are all the best! Our first "real" vacation together (i.e. flying by ourselves!) was to Orlando in 1999. We both LOVE Disney and are definitely going to make a trip back some day. I've brought the DIS up before, and will definitely suggest that he come check things out if he wants. Thanks again!

ETA: Aggggggh.....the "jump post" gremlin has struck again! Lol, it makes people look like psychics!

 

[quietgirll]

I agree with what everyone else has said...be supportive, listen to him, just be there for him-- be the same best friend that you have always been! coming out is very hard, and having a friend stick by you can make all the difference!! when i came out, my best friend at the time for all intents and purposed turned her back on me, and that made everything so much more difficult!! thank goodness i had another friend that stepped up to the plate for me, and WAS supportive!! youre a great person for making a conscious effort to be a better friend...

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I agree that the best thing is to let him know repeatedly that you value the friendship and support him. Let him know that you're willing to talk anytime. Sounds like it will be a rough road for him and knowing that he has a true friend in you will make a lot of difference.

 

[SandrA9810]

or he could just not let the word spread around his family. I told my mom once about me and kari, but we don't bring it up at all. Whether my sister or aunt have actually figured it out or not, is not my concern. It's one of those, don't ask, don't tell things. I'd rather deal with it that way than being dis-owned by my family, or worse possible scenerio, my physco-Christian aunt coming down to florida to take me back to Texas to cleanse me kind of thing.
I just let it be as we're friends living together because you can't do things on your own in today's economy. But I think it'll get more obvious when we buy a house at the end of the year... I'll deal with it when the time comes though.

 

[jlewisinsyr]

Be supportive, be the same friend you have always been.

I never had issues coming out, I had a huge group of friends and growing up in the area I did (even though its a small city, I lived in a progressive neighborhood) lent a lot of opportunities for acceptance. But looking at how my boyfriend grew up gives me a lot of respect for the challenges others face.

I don't think hiding or lying about who you are is ever a good solution, but there is a fine line between hiding and just not really acknowledging the whole concept to certain people.

I never told my grandmother I was gay, but she knew, she actually loved when I brought my boyfriend over for Sunday dinner. When we would go out for lunch or I'd help her around her house she would ask how my boyfriend was (using his name at the time). She was also very religious, so I am sure in some ways it did tear her heart or distressed her to some degree