I need help....

[aunt lissa]

I need to talk...and I know that I haven't been around the boards that long...but I just need to get some things off my mind...anyone willing to listen??

 

[danny1649]

I'm listening you talk and I will listen so you start and I will check back when I see you post.

 

[Serena]

What's up?

 

[aunt lissa]

You guys are so wonderful!! I don't know what I'd do if sister never introduced me to the boards.

Let me start w/ my first problem: My momma passed away 7 months ago..I've never truly accepted it or dealt w/ it. Just kind of always felt I was in a bad dream. Well suddenly today it hits me...my momma is gone (yes I'm 25 and still call her momma) and I will never ever see her or hear her voice again. I just don't know how to deal w/ this. It's been such an emotional day and here I am crying all day the kids seeing it, and I don't think it's fair to them. I just don't know how to deal w/ this. Why is it hitting me so suddenly and so hard?

 

[Serena]

You are perfectly normal. First of all, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Losing momma, anytime, is never easy. We all deal with it in different ways and some days are better than others. It hit me most a few months afterwards too. It's like, I was strong for everyone else, they seemed to be ok, then it was my turn to fall apart.
And fall apart I did. I even asked for help, but no one knew what to do.

Since I've been here, I've found that talking about things to anyone who will listen helps tremendously. But cry if you need to, explain to your kids that you are sad, they will try very hard to understand.

 

[lynetteSC]

No advice for you .. I am sorry about your loss. Sometimes it takes awhile for things to "sink" in.
I know for me, I never did get emotional about 9/11 ... all my friends and coworkers did. I guess I was too busy being upset/mad. However, during a trip to NY almost a year after 9/11, I was just overwhelmed with grief! It just seemed to hit me then of the loss. Not sure if this helps you, but know you are not alone! That is what the DIS is for!!!!

 

[Evil Princess]

No advice, but I do know the feeling of overwhelming pain and grief, especially out of the blue.

Take care, feel better, and I guess try to distract yourself with your children for now. You mean the world to them, like your momma did to you

Anytime you need to listen, we're all here.

 

[aunt lissa]

Thank-you so much all of you! It's so wonderful to know that I am not alone in such a time of need!
Your kind words have helped me to stop crying! And I know that I can make it thru this! I have to be strong for my children!! Just some days I feel so weak and helpless. It's a terrible feeling. I guess what bothers me is why didn't it hit me 7 months ago when she passed? She was on life support so I was there w/ her when she went, why didn't that kick me in the butt and make me realize it then!

Oh and that wonderful Tag Fairy got me which brought a huge smile to my face!! Check out my Tags....that made me so so happy!!

 

[danny1649]

Person handles the loss of a mother and the grief that comes with it in their own way.It's not fair to tell you how to.I would explain to the children that today you started thinking about momma and felt so sad she was gone.That you miss her and from time to time mommy might be sad when she thinks of momma and she's gone.Tell your children you love them more than anything and give them a big hug and let them know nothing they have said or done today made mommy cry.Let them know it is not wrong to cry when someone you love dies it is normal and no two people grieve the same.Your chidren will understand more than you think.You will be in my prayers.I'm over 50 and lost my mom 12 years ago and at least once a month I cry because I still miss and love her.

 

[aunt lissa]

Thank-You Danny1649! That is wonderful advice...and I think I will give my children that explanation tomorrow. I feel bad because every time I would break down today, I'd go to my room and ask them to leave me alone for 5 minutes, which made me feel awful as well! I can't thank you enough for a wonderful way to explain it to them!

 

[Dan Murphy]

Hey Lissa. I do think, as said above, we all grieve differently. Some quietly, privately, some openly, publically. Some often, some more infrequen. But we all do, in our own way, our own time. And children do understand sadness too. Let them share with you, and importantly, console you. Let them feel good in their making you feel better by their presence, as your momma felt with yours.

Grieve as you see fit, Lissa, it is good. And the DIS is a good place to share grief too, as you have seen in the few short weeks you have been around here. It is a caring, sharing community, family. And a tag or two always helps too.

Lissa

Dan

 

[aunt lissa]

Dan thank you again! You have been such a wonderful help to me on many occassions! I would also like to thank, danny1649, Serena, lynetteSC, Evil Princess...and Last but not least...those beautiful tag fairies!! You guys have helped me thru this!!

 

[Serena]

 

[smilingmouse]

Lissa,

First, I am sorry fot the loss, the pain and the grief that you are going through. Second, let me offer you a

I've gone through something similar to this, and I would like to echo what the previous posters have said.....We are all unique and we all grieve in oiur own way at our own pace. Personally, I think this "hits" you when your body (and/or God) thinks you're ready. Please remember that you aren't alone, and that we all care for you.

I know that when I went through this, I kept a journal and wrote letters to my loved one who passed. I still have them, and reading and writing them has helped me heal. Maybe doing one or both of these things will help you too....

For me, the thing that helps the most is knowing that I can use my experience with the death of a loved one to help those who need support....someday (maybe even today) your experiences will help someone else who is going through this.....

Take care.....

SmilingMouse

 

[aunt lissa]

Thank-you smiling mouse...I've wrote many a letters too her...but I'm always afraid someone will read them...and reading them myself they sound so...how do i put it...suicidal..though there is no doubt in my mind I would ever try such a thing..I know i need to be here for my children. But to someone else they may take it differently. I love my momma...and long to be w/ her! I know she is waiting for me on the other side. I try to take comfort in knowing that she is w/ the 3 babies that I have lost and caring for them. I guess what brought this on is the other day I was speaking w/ someone about her and saying how much I missed her and this woman tells me.."well honey, once they die they don't know who you are any longer"!! I mean how inappropriate is that to say to someone who has just lost their parent. And on top of that, how could she forget me? She raised me for 24 years!!

 

[Serena]

That lady didn't know what she was talking about. Or maybe she just didn't know what to say. Sometimes people can say the dumbest things, without meaning what it ends up.
I know, I do it too sometimes.

 

[lynetteSC]

lissa ~ sometimes people say stuff w/o thinking ... atleast that is what I tell myself! Surely, they can't be that inconsiderate on purpose!

 

[smilingmouse]

Lissa,

I agree that woman was WAY out of line (and needs a stern talking to, as well as a kick in the pants....). I don't think you momma will ever forget you. In fact, I suispect that in addition to caring for your three angels in heaven, she will be carefully watching over you and your family here on Earth. IOn fact, it wouldn't surprise me if momma did her best to try and help you through this......

Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there who do not know how to help those who are grieving. Try your hardest to ignore these people.....instead, concentrate on those who care for you...... I can't offer "proof" but i can tell you that I think this was true in my case.....

My aunt, who was like a second mother to me died when I was in high school. After her death, I became sucidal, and seriously considered killing myself. The September after she died, I changed schools and met a teacher who was the first person to reach out and try to help me when she saw that i was having trouble. In the 9 years that we have been friends, she has become my 2nd mother. Some peopke say it is a "coincidence" that we met....I believe that my aunt "helped" to facilitate our meeting.....I don't know if this is true, but it helps me to believe that it is.......Someday, some how, I'm pretty sure that momma will do something like that for you too...

About the letters....if you are really concerned, you might want to tell your husband, or anyone else who may read them why you have decided to write them. That way, they won't be so concerned.....