I need help/insight/advice/knock over the head-custody issues!

[squirrlygirl]

In Michigan the child's wishes are only one of like 13 factors when determining custody--they're not allowed to decide at any age.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

In Michigan the child's wishes are only one of like 13 factors when determining custody--they're not allowed to decide at any age.

Really???!!! That's totally messed up. In NJ, the courts will take it into consideration starting around 12 or 13. I had a friend go to court at 14 and tell a judge that she never wanted to see her father again. 30 years later, she still hasn't.

Hugs to you and your DS. I have no additional advice but wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers and thoughts.

 

[kellyg403]

OP, I hope that you are able to sort this out. While I am not best friends with the kids stepmom, I can not imagine how you have managed to keep your cool after all that. She continues to get away with it because you need to put her in her place. That is how I feel about it. She figures you'll get mad, overreact..since I am assuming you are trying so hard not to you do easily..and it will be a done deal. I would definitely seek assistance from someone in the legal community or police and find out just what proof you need , how much and take care of business.

As for providing the address, I do not know what the rules are in Michigan for this kind of thing. I 'can' tell you for my situation as long as the ex has access to the kids via telephone I am not required to give him any information re: trips except destination. As my lawyer put it to me during the divorce I could say to ex, we are going on vacation from x date to x date. The children will be available to speak to you anytime on x phone number. Since we will be busy I will make sure that they are 100% available for you from x time to x time. You are welcome to call anytime and speak to them if you catch them, but you will definitely be able to speak to them from x time to x time everyday. And the same applies to me when he has the kids and goes on vacation. Not a perfect solution but definitely a legal one here.

Hope that you are able to get things straight. I second seeing a therapist again. I do know that is hard to know if it is drama or if it is real. Its safer to have someone who knows for sure handle the situation for you. He may be picking up a bit on your dislike at the moment and is siding with you. I see often that sometimes their dad and I will disagree on something and my 15 year old will try to side with me and get involved. I often have to remind him this is between adults, thanks for looking out for me but it will be o.k. Maybe that is what you are dealing with.

Kelly

 

[MidgeD79]

I also live in Michigan and my granddaughters parents ( my dd) died within 10 months of each other. Her half-brother (same mom) whom she always lived with came to me and she went to the other grandmother. The court stated on record "I don't care what she wants or where she wants to live, I will decide what's best". She was 10 at the time and I have requested a change of address for my dgd (at her bequest) every year for 3 years and have been denied.The courts have a funny way of deciding what's best and what's right or wrong.

 

[squirrlygirl]

I also live in Michigan and my granddaughters parents ( my dd) died within 10 months of each other. Her half-brother (same mom) whom she always lived with came to me and she went to the other grandmother. The court stated on record "I don't care what she wants or where she wants to live, I will decide what's best". She was 10 at the time and I have requested a change of address for my dgd (at her bequest) every year for 3 years and have been denied.The courts have a funny way of deciding what's best and what's right or wrong.

I'm sorry for your loss.

You're right, it's odd. Sometimes they seem to go so far opposite of what's really best for the child in an attempt to look like they followed the "rules" on paper. I understand that they want to prevent an angry child from hopping homes because they're mad at the custodial parent, but there's many times that there are other things at play. In my case, it's because DS has lived in this joint situation for years, so it would be traumatic to change it. The reasoning is that he's used to being treated like crap so it's okay. Seriously. That's how they look at it. Ugh.

Spoke with my police friend. This impersonating me would fall more under "domestic matter" because of all the other issues tied into it, but the doctor's office violated HIPAA laws so he feels they'll want to protect themselves, which will help me.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I would go to the police and district attorney's office. She tried to have your check sent to her, that has to be some sort of crime.

I don't think the doctor's office would be in trouble for HIPAA violations, as dad has as much right to son's info, and he can give permission to his wife to obtain that for him. However, she is not be upfront about doing so, and the fact that she keeps pretending to be you shows she is a wackadoo.

I would have gone to family court when she pretended to be you and cancelled the U of M dermatology appointment.

Good luck.

 

[minkydog]

In my case, it's because DS has lived in this joint situation for years, so it would be traumatic to change it. The reasoning is that he's used to being treated like crap so it's okay. Seriously. That's how they look at it. Ugh.

This is similar to what you might hear from a battered wife--"he doesn't mean it, I love him, so it's okay." I know you think your 13yo doesn't want to go see a therapist, but trust me, there are deep issues here that he needs to process.

If your therapist thinks this child is done with therapy because his father is the problem, that's a cop-out. It may be true that his father is the problem, but your child is bearing the burden of guilt, anger,and shame. The fact that he has fantasized(out loud!) that he would like to do bad things to his sleeping father is proof enough that this boy needs an outlet for his feelings.

We went through some stuff with DS23 when he was about this age. The situations are different but the feelings were the same. He didn't want to go to therapy. However, we prevailed upon him to attend a few "family therapy" meetings--that is, therapy where he was not the entire focus. Because actually, it wasn't all his problem. It was the whole family's problem. It took us a long time to work through it, but eventually things got better. Our son is 23 now and has turned into a very nice young man. But when he was 13 I was afraid he was going to have prison in his future.

 

[squirrlygirl]

minky, I meant the courts feel that way about the situation, not my son.

Yes, he has some anger issues toward dad, but like I said he's fairly normal. If and when I feel this is more than teenage drama I'll take whatever steps necessary to help him.

I wish it were as easy as everyone seems to think it is. Unfortunately I've been to court enough times to know how something will play out long before I step in the building

I'm just glad our vacation is coming up so we can leave all this behind for a couple of weeks.

 

[minkydog]

minky, I meant the courts feel that way about the situation, not my son.

Yes, he has some anger issues toward dad, but like I said he's fairly normal. If and when I feel this is more than teenage drama I'll take whatever steps necessary to help him.

I wish it were as easy as everyone seems to think it is. Unfortunately I've been to court enough times to know how something will play out long before I step in the building

I'm just glad our vacation is coming up so we can leave all this behind for a couple of weeks.

\\

Thanks for clearing that up. It's so hard to see the darn facial expressions on this board...

I know it's not easy to go through this. Life shouldn't have to be this hard.You have my sympathies. There are not many of us who could do what you're doing and keep a cool head about us. Kudos.

 

[claudia]

minky, I meant the courts feel that way about the situation, not my son.

Yes, he has some anger issues toward dad, but like I said he's fairly normal. If and when I feel this is more than teenage drama I'll take whatever steps necessary to help him.

I wish it were as easy as everyone seems to think it is. Unfortunately I've been to court enough times to know how something will play out long before I step in the building

I'm just glad our vacation is coming up so we can leave all this behind for a couple of weeks.

Just to support you a little...I do understand how difficult it is....it took us many years to get our situation straightened out....and still small little incidents lingered for years after that. It definitely IS NOT easy....the court system is a disaster but for us one day a miracle did happen where a judge actually saw it our way and put an end to all the games the ex was playing!! I will pray that you get your miracle in the court system too......

 

[barkley]

i believe you posted that your insurance in your ds's primary and his secondary is thru his father. if that's the case then you are the "insured" and might try contacting your insurance company to let them know what is going on (re. his wife assuming your identity, cancelations of appointments, etc.) and see if they can do some type of coding in their system such that any provider will be alerted that YOU must be contacted by phone with a designated password to authorize schedualing or canceling appointments (my experience is that anytime i try to schedule an appointment with a new provider they run my/my kid's insurance either before scheduling or at least before the actual appointment to determine eligibility). they may be able to additionaly require that any female claiming to be you at an appointment with your son must provide a valid photo i.d.. then you could inquire if you can receive a print-out of every provider who has billed or attempted to do so-that would enable you to contact them individualy to get some kind of security plan established on their in-house systems.

i'm suggesting this because i know that our health insurance has a division that handles cost containment, and we've periodically gotten mailers talking about how we can contact them for assistance. i also tend to think that most insurance companies have some capability for doing specialized security coding-when i worked within the medicaid field their system (which is soooooo antiquated if it can do something it generaly means anyone elses systems have been doing it for years) i encountered far too many people who were denied appointments because of some form of coding that had been installed such that either they were required to present a photo i.d. to verify they were who they claimed to be (or that they were the parent of the child they claimed to be).

good luck.

 

[JerseyMamaBear]

Can you talk to your Doc's office and ask to set up a password, so that they know they are talking to you and not the psycho step-mom?

This is the exact same thing we had to do with our doctors and ins company. After a few times of them trying to guess the password they gave up. As far as disney goes, I would call and speak with a manager and explain to the situation of id theft and ask them to do the same with a password.
I would also get as much proof as you can and sign charges against them.

 

[sunnyday123]

I don't think FOC can help me because they can only enforce what is in the order, and I do not have an order that says that step-mom is not allowed to impersonate me

I don't need permission from dad to take son to Disney World since it's within the United States and we have joint physical custody. Can you think of any reason dad needs the villa address ?(which frankly I don't even have yet). He has my cell, my husband's cell, DS's cell, and my mom's contact info. What's he going to do--write me a letter if there's an emergency? With his wife coming along behind me and canceling things, it just doesn't seem like a good idea. Dad already knows when we leave and when we come back, and knows we're staying at Windsor Hills while we're down there ( I wish we were onsite this trip!)

I know in my custody agreement, we each have to give the address of where we are taking our DD. HOWEVER, I have the right to veto him on taking her out of state/country....I also had to have it put in our agreement that he give her allergy medication as prescribed because he thought I was making up her allergies. Re-read your agreement, and if it says anything in there about the address, give it to them. Black out the phone numbers, and then call whoever you need to and have you reservation password protected and have them send you a confirmation of this so you have it on record.

And I would have to have a "family meeting" with the new wife. The next impersonation she'd be doing was of a person in a body cast.

Really if they are acting this badly now, the only way to protect your son is through an attorney. Good luck.

 

[squirrlygirl]

Strangely enough, Dad wouldn't veto Disney even if he had the power to. He gets weirdly child-like and excited when DS gets to go.

I gave them the address and phone number to the guard house-if they need to they can write the guard house a letter or stop by to say hello, but it doesn't give the wife access to my reservation. I am not required to give them any information beyond a general itinerary, which they've had for months now, but it will help keep the peace.

I will repeat one last time-I am not hiring an attorney. That is not the way to go. It would cause more problems. Since I cannot type out thirteen years of history on here, please take me at my word when I say this. I was looking for other ways to deal with this.

 

[jetprincess]

This won't solve your ultimate problem but can you just tell them that you don't know what the villa #is? Similar to many resorts that "soft book", assignments are not made until check in. If the immediate concern is her canceling your reservations, just tell them you will call and give them the info once you get checked in, that way you are already there - reservation in tact.

You are wise not to get overly worked up about this and stay calm. You sound like you are a a very patient woman. Good Luck!

 

[Disney Doll]

Here's what I would do in your circumstances...

Any time I made an appointment for DS, I would tell the office that my DS's stepmother has a habit of calling, pretending she's me and cancelling or changing appointments. I would develop a password that they (ex & his wife) could not figure out...something completely random that has no bearing on anything you have ever said, done, would say or do, no history behind it whatsoever. I would tell every office that I dealt with that under no circumstances were they to change or cancel any appointment I made for DS until they heard that password. I would also probably call the office a few days prior to the appointment to make sure things were still on, again providing them with the password.

I would document everything. I would document every single thing they said, every move they made with regard to my son. I would call all credit reporting bureaus and the SS office and tell them that I had a crazy ex who might try and open up credit card accounts in my name, or any of my childrens' names and that under no circumstances was anyone to be allowed to open up a CC account in any of our names.

I would have a copy of my son's medical hsitory and I would provide it to every doctor he has. If he tells you he has seen an MD while with his Dad, tell him to get the name or phone # of that MD and provide them with th emedical informaiton as well. It will require you explaining quite often what a crazy ex you have, but you will, at least, be making sure that every doctor who treats your son knows his full medical history.

As far as Disney, I'd make my reservation with the notation that I have a crazy ex who might try to change and/or cancel it, and under no circumstances was that to happen until they spoke to me, and I'd give them my cell phone # so they had to call me first before doing anything. I might even do the password thing with them too.

 

[GothTink]

Here's what I would do in your circumstances...

Any time I made an appointment for DS, I would tell the office that my DS's stepmother has a habit of calling, pretending she's me and cancelling or changing appointments. I would develop a password that they (ex & his wife) could not figure out...something completely random that has no bearing on anything you have ever said, done, would say or do, no history behind it whatsoever. I would tell every office that I dealt with that under no circumstances were they to change or cancel any appointment I made for DS until they heard that password. I would also probably call the office a few days prior to the appointment to make sure things were still on, again providing them with the password.

I would document everything. I would document every single thing they said, every move they made with regard to my son. I would call all credit reporting bureaus and the SS office and tell them that I had a crazy ex who might try and open up credit card accounts in my name, or any of my childrens' names and that under no circumstances was anyone to be allowed to open up a CC account in any of our names.

I would have a copy of my son's medical hsitory and I would provide it to every doctor he has. If he tells you he has seen an MD while with his Dad, tell him to get the name or phone # of that MD and provide them with th emedical informaiton as well. It will require you explaining quite often what a crazy ex you have, but you will, at least, be making sure that every doctor who treats your son knows his full medical history.

As far as Disney, I'd make my reservation with the notation that I have a crazy ex who might try to change and/or cancel it, and under no circumstances was that to happen until they spoke to me, and I'd give them my cell phone # so they had to call me first before doing anything. I might even do the password thing with them too.

This is brilliant.