I Need Family Advice...LONG

[GOOFY4DONALD]

I do not know where to put this so if this is the wrong place feel free to move it.

I have a problem with my own mother and I need advice. First off I love my mother very much. But there are some problems. She is the type of person that always has to be right. She always has to be the center of attention. She does have the "I'm better than everyone" attitude. She knows everything about everything and..here is the biggest...her opinions are always the right opinion (if I like the lake she will tell me why the beach is better...if I want to go to New York she will tell me why Chicago is better...if she sees me having a glass of wine she will tell me how she doesn't need those kind of crutches...these are just a couple of examples). She also likes to put a guilt trip on me and she is good at it. Now I have lived with these behaviors, of hers, my whole life. I am used to all of this but others, my husband for example, does not care for this type of personality.

Now my mother has told us repeatedly the places we should go to on vacation and does get a bit upset when we don't take her advice. Now my DH and I were talking, casually, about taking a trip to CAlifornia next year. I grew up there and I really wanted him to see all the great stuff CA. has to offer.( My father (divorced from my mom) said we can stay at my grandma's house, she lived 30 minutes away from everything we want to see.)

Well my mom heard about this and pretty much invited herself on our trip. Since the trip isn't official I have pretty much ignored this. Whenever I don't talk about how she should come with us she blames my DH stating that the only reason she wouldn't be welcome is because of him. And how she would never let her husband keep her away from her mother. Well it's not really my DH. If she went with us she would call all the shots. She would want to go here and not there and she would tell us about all the places we have to go. Besides all of that we would also have to hear about why her choices are the best. I just don't know how to tell her no...I never have. I don't want to hurt her feelings but I am not going to place the blame on my DH either. I just don't know what to do. I wouldn't be asking this since this trip that has not been planned yet would take place next summer...she talks about it at least a few times a week.

(Just another piece of background...she is not desperate to take a vacation...she goes on 1 or 2 a year. She has taken my adult, unmarried, brother and sister and my 2 sisters that are still kids on vacations. She wanted to take me and my kids on vacation or join me and my kids on vacation but, at the time, she didn't want my DH to go. She does not enjoy vacations with my stepdad and I don't think she understands why I enjoy going places with my DH)

Thanks for letting me vent. Now maybe someone can help me with this problem. I am about to cancel all plans for this vacation.

 

[emmababy]

That is a sticky situation to be in. I am kinda thankful that my mother isn't really in the picture and my MIL is in Iowa. This way we don't have to deal with Mama Drama.

I too grew up in CA and would love to take my family back someday to see everything. We were supposed to go to the Rose Bowl 2 years ago, but my silly Buckeyes had to go the Natl Championship instead (and lose).

Where in CA did you grow up??

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

That is a sticky situation to be in. I am kinda thankful that my mother isn't really in the picture and my MIL is in Iowa. This way we don't have to deal with Mama Drama.

I too grew up in CA and would love to take my family back someday to see everything. We were supposed to go to the Rose Bowl 2 years ago, but my silly Buckeyes had to go the Natl Championship instead (and lose).

Where in CA did you grow up??

I grew up in Bakersfield but my grandma's house in in Orange County. I wanted to take my husband to get real Mexican food..go to Magic Mountain and then stay at my DGM's house (she passed away a few years ago but due to the economy my father and his siblings decided to keep the house instead of selling, so all the kids and grandkids could stay there and visit). I could then go to DL, Knotts and take the family to see Hollywood Blvd. I lived in Ca my whole life but I still love all the touristy things in LA

 

[dancer_mom]

Sounds VERY complicated... and I know how hard it is to explain a tough relationship in just a few paragraphs. The only advice I have is just like you said - this is not because of your DH. As hard as it is to say no to a loved one your relationship with your husband comes first (this is how I see it... others may not agree I suppose). You need to tell your mother the truth - This is a vacation that WE want to go on together and that WE decided TOGETHER that it would just be the two of us and that although we like spending time with you it is not going to be on this particular vacation so please do not make any further criticisms that my husband is keeping me from you.

HARD to do - I hope that you will feel confident to do what you think is best for YOU!! I don't like confrontations either!!! Good Luck!

 

[emmababy]

I grew up in Bakersfield but my grandma's house in in Orange County. I wanted to take my husband to get real Mexican food..go to Magic Mountain and then stay at my DGM's house (she passed away a few years ago but due to the economy my father and his siblings decided to keep the house instead of selling, so all the kids and grandkids could stay there and visit). I could then go to DL, Knotts and take the family to see Hollywood Blvd. I lived in Ca my whole life but I still love all the touristy things in LA

I grew up in Newport Beach and would love to go back and do all of those things!! I want to take them to the beach, eat at all the yummy places I loved. I hope you get to do this trip and I hope it all works out.

 

[EthansMom]

It's hard being around pushy people.

First, you need to tell her, "I'm sorry, but DH and I really want to keep this trip as time for just us and the kids."

Secondly, realize that she can't go on your trip if you don't give her the details. Don't discuss the trip in front of her and don't answer any of her questions with firm answers. (Example.. Q:"When are you going?" A: "Oh, maybe sometime in the fall.") Don't tell her when you're going, where you're staying, etc...

Thirdly, understand that she is probably going to get upset that you don't want to include her. Be prepared for some kind of backlash. But don't let that keep you from doing what you want to do. Folks like your mom are much easier to be around if you set firm but reasonable boundaries and are consistent in protecting those boundaries.

 

[lunalibre]

I have been in similar situations with my mother. I love her dearly, but we have decidedly different opinions about a lot of things. However, after an ultimatum a few years ago (where I told her she had to treat me at least as well as she would treat a stranger), she has mellowed considerably.

Anyway, the bottom line is you really need to make her understand NOW that she cannot go with you on your vacation. Tell her that you WANT to take a vacation with your husband. You don't say if you have kids or not, but if you have kids and you're taking them with you, say that you need a family vacation. If she says she "can't see the need" for your DH to go, tell her it's because she isn't married to him.

For the sake of your marriage, you HAVE to stand up to your mother on this one. If she says that line again about how no DH should get between a daughter and her mother, tell her no mother should put herself between her daughter and her SIL!

Are your mother's feelings going to get hurt? Absolutely. However, you've got to make a strike for independence. You don't say how long you've been married. In my experience, you have to stick up for your husband to your mother. Would you let anyone else treat you the way your mother does? If the answer to that is "no", then it's time to set some boundaries.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk privately. Your mother really does sound a lot like mine...used to be.

Good luck!

 

[Chip's My Hero]

Ah, first of all... Your mom sounds like the perfect combination of my mother and MIL. Both of these women will do everything in their power to make my hubby and I miserable. If they didn't hate each other I would swear they gang up on us.

One of the things hubby and I have to do is say "my life not hers. My life not hers." And yes, there are many days she (either one) has me in tears. But again...my life not hers. Parents have the amazing ablility to twist our insides even more than children do. You will have to be mean. Honest, and strong. Not cruel. "Mom, DH and I want to take a us and kids trip only. We are planning just in the planning stage and I know from experience that our travel style doesn't match. I would love to plan a weekend for just the two of us to do something instead."

One thing you mentioned stuck out to me...your parents are divorced. yes? Because the DH's parents are and mom blows a gasket any time dad is mentioned. Serious problems. We visit FIL and MIL has to spend 100 bucks on the kids because she wants to be the fav. Could this be something that is going on with your mom? If so, that might be something you also need to adress.

I wish you all the luck I can. This situation is one I hate to live myself, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

 

[Darcy03231]

If the trip is for your family:

"Mom, this is a family vacation for just me, DH and our children."

If its for you and DH:

"Mom, this is a romantic vacation for DH and I. Just the two of us are going."

Short and sweet. If you don't set boundaries she will continue to step all over you and your marriage.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

Thank you to everyone that replied. We do have kids and this will be all of us..DH and kids. I have tried to tell her our travel styles don't match but she shruggs it off telling me we would have fun because we like all the same stuff. Although I do like some of the same tings our travel styles are different. She wold never invite herself to a romantic vacation with me and DH (not that we have ever been on one) but she thinks because kids are going she and my younger siblings would be fine tagging along. I think I will use some of the advice but honestly she is going to blame my DH for this no matter what.

 

[kpgriswold]

My MIL is just the same! Bitter, mean and used to getting her way, always. My favorite story is that she cursed me out because I refused to travel 4 hours by car when I was 39 weeks pregnant to have Christmas at her house!

I stay out of it and let DH deal with her. Here is what I have seen him do that works:

He draws VERY clear boundaries with her. This is our life, this is yours. You can decide what you want to do, and we will make our own decisions.

We give her minimal info. If she asks questions, DH says something along the lines of "we don't know", or "we haven't decided." When she pushes, he changes the topic and just refuses to go back.

He stays calm when he talks to her. When she tries to "guilt" him, he simply says "I am sorry you feel that way," then goes on to another topic.

DH protects the kids and I from her poison, ALWAYS. She is not allowed to bad mouth me or the children, and when she does so, we leave or she is asked to leave. No drama, no long explanations. "Mom, we love you, but you are being hurtful. We are leaving now and will see you again on XXX."

Now, granted, my DH has had alot of experience with this. It will be harder for you since it sounds like you have never really stood up for yourself.

Be stong!

 

[a1tinkfans]

Oh Boy, mom needs a hobby
Seriously though....you already seem to know that she will blame your dh so, I say, don't let it affect you or the dh.
I would simply say, oh, sounds like fun mom, but we have already decided that this is a family vacation with "bob/whatever" and the kids only.
Then I would move right on and change the topic. Let her think what she wants.
Meanwhile, her manipulating you affects you because you let it, she has the power and apparently it works cause she has perhaps gotten her way in the past.
I know that if someone was being disrespectful about my spouse, I would certainly politely say something to stop that immediately. At least letting them know that they can think what they want, but not air it to me.
For some people, a person NOT saying anything back/responding to them, means that they were right (in their mind).
Mama Drama of any kind, is so exhausting, what a waste of energy!
Good Luck to you...........

 

[disykat]

I agree with the others - short and sweet "this is a vacation for me, dh and the kids. We aren't inviting anyone else." If she keeps trying to blame your dh, tell her flat out "I want this vacation to be for me, dh and the kids. I am not inviting anyone else. You continually blaming my husband for something that isn't his fault strengthens my stance."

 

[jmpurdy]

it's just emotional blackmail. Many families get sucked in. Stand your ground. It's her choice how she responds. Your family comes first. If you cancel your vacation, she wins. And she knows it. This may sound harsh, but as long as she knows where your line in the sand is regarding her manipulation ends, everyone will breathe easier. If she tries to make you feel bad, end the conversation or the visit, or whatever. Best of luck.

 

[AntePrincess]

I play "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil," and just don't acknowledge when someone steps over a line, does something rude, or invites their own self along. It works miracles. Someone makes an off statement, I continue as if it were never said. If they are pointed about it, I change the subject just as pointedly (so if they just insisted a little, no big deal, if they were very obvious, I make it obvious when I change the conversation). If I were in your shoes and my mother were absolutely insistent on discussing it, I would exhaust her by always assuming she could not possibly mean to be as rude as she came off at face value. I'd never "hear" her blame my husband for something like that because it would be awful and unspeakable if she really genuinely thought something so hurtful to our whole family dynamic. This works great, even with really nosy in-laws who pry for any little bit of information about you to talk about (either with you or with other gossips). Just don't give a foothold, if pressed for any kind of specific, be vague, bland, and average. ("So, how is the pregnancy?" "Fine." "How do you feel?" "Good." "Are you having any cravings?" "Nope." "Is anything at all different??" "I feel like myself. Wasn't it muggy today?" Pretend to be a teenager again, basically, only more cheerful and less explosive.)

Unfortunately, it really doesn't work once the cat is out of the bag and you've acknowledged the problematic sentiment already, but I've found that it helps wonderfully with my own critical and contrary relations so maybe it would be worth a try with yours. Never hearing or acknowledging their critique of my choice of vacation spot, just keep on trucking with what I was saying about my choice as if they never spoke, has nipped a lot of the negative in the bud. In your shoes, I'd try something along these lines: "I was just thinking about our upcoming trip to CA and how we shouldn't waste time with all that touristy stuff..." "Mom, this meatloaf is great!" "You never want to talk about it! Your husband is coming between us, he doesn't want me around..." "<Insert husband's name>? You know, he was just talking about how long it had been since he'd had your dinner rolls." And just keep going until they give up or there's a distraction. You get very good with practice, until it doesn't feel artificial or stilted at all, and soon you can get right back to the good topics.