I need advise! Sorry might be long!

[mickeyfan2]

Tell DD to RUN. This is a RED FLAG in life. Always look for the RED FLAGS!

The nice young man is doing something illegal & I believe it is an offence that can lead him to spend time in a prison cell. Fraud he is a fraud. She needs to get away before she falls in love! The trick to RED FLAGS working for you is getting out before you are in love.

I agree.

Getting married to somebody to get them citizenship is SO ILLEGAL.

 

[MsDisney23]

Kitty, I have to ask, is the young man Korean also. If so, maybe this was an arranged marriage for the young women to receive her green card. I'm not saying that what happened was wrong but I wonder if the young man has any input into him being married.

I know it sounds crazy that there would be arranged marriages in this day and age but it happens all the time. I have heard a rumor that one of the girls in my S's class will be married after HS in an arranged marriage. The girl is very unhappy about this and does not want to marry this fellow.

I feel really sorry for your DD and the young man that she is dating. I don't know if she should stay involved with him but if this is what I think it is. I would be very wary of this relationship because of the influence of his family.

The young man is American. He got married in the court house, and they lived with his mother. My dd has told me that the mother seems to be very controlling. The young man keeps telling dd that he wants to move out. I am not really happy at all with any of this. I want to tell DD to run and move on. I did tell dd that I do not believe that he willing came to her and told her the truth. If dd had not suspected something, I do not believe he would have been honest.

My Mom is coming over so her and I can discuss this. I am also going to call the transplant team and ask them if I could travel for a few days. My PC Dr. told me that I could, providing I check with the team. I think a nice trip up to Lauren's college for a few days would be good. I want to be able to talk to her. I know she is hurting. I would like to see her move forward.

 

[mickeyfan2]

My advice... run like the wind...

Besides something still doesn't add up (unless I misread something).. if he got married at 18, is currently 20, only has to stay married for 2 years, why does the marriage have to last another year & a half?!

I agree. I think he needs it to last until he gets done with college. Sorry this is illegal and I don't want my tax money paying for his education when the money is gotten falsely.

 

[Nana Annie]

.....

 

[Wishing on a star]

WAY to many problems here.

One that has not really been discussed here yet:
Let's say, for the sake of argument, "Hey, is only helping out this girl... It is temporary... Has the fringe benefit of money for college... yadayadaya."

There is still a HUGE problem with this.

This guy wants it both ways!!!
He wants his cake and eat it too!

If he wanted to make this decision, for all above state reasons, then fine... BUT by doing this, he should also agree to abide by that decision for the necessary two years without bringing some other innocent party into it!!!!

If he wants to go along with this arranged marriage, that is his business. He should forego dating until he is free and clear again.

He wants it both ways.
He wants his cake and eat it too.
Your daughter will get hurt.

PS: And, this alone is HUGE. If your DD thinks this guys mother is controlling now, JUST WAIT UNTIL THEY EVER GET ENGAGED, MARRIED, HAVE THEIR FIRST CHILD....

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I agree with everyone else.

He only told her because she more or less figured it out. What else is he lying about, and what else will he lie about in the future. It appears he has a major character flaw, and it would not be a good idea for her to get more emotionally involved with him now.

 

[arminnie]

Wow........I would give him the benefit of the doubt as long as he is only married on paper and not in any kind of situation with her. Being as young as he was and coming from the home he did, I think he was just trying to better himself by getting the money to attend college and he probably thought he was helping the girl at the same time.

I personally am more bothered by the fact that he agreed to a sham marriage for money. It is totally illegal. I'd be far less bothered by an early marriage that just didn't work out.

Of course we all make mistakes but this is a BIG one that basically reflects his personal integrity. I am 60 years old (almost) and I could relay dozens of horrible stories where women had to escape from awful marriages. Without exception they all can come up with a BIG RED FLAG that they chose to ignore.

Personal integrity is probably one of the most important traits necessary for a successful relationship unless one is willing to suffer through countless heartaches. This isn't something that happened 10 years ago that he know acknowledges as being terribly, terribly wrong. It is something happening now that he chose to hide from her.

RUN

 

[helenabear]

If it were me, that guy would be toast. I do not tolerate lying, and especially not on that level. He told her because she figured it out. How long would it have gone on otherwise? To lie like that is a major character flaw in my opinion. And to put on a fake marriage for something like that, is wrong and illegal! I have a hard time believing that he could date and keep the image of a happy marriage up anyway. I have friends who, for love, married a non-American and trust me, what they have to go through isn't fun. He'd have to be really close to her to make them believe that they are happily married.

So between the lying, the marriage, the doing it for money (so he says) I wouldn't give him the time of day. Nothing about that says "nice boy" to me at all.

 

[snowball22]

Please tell your DD that she is worth so much more and deserves better than this guy. There are many other fish in the sea. Tell her that you can't base or start a relationship on a lie. It never works. My thought is, what else is he lying about? Tell her that she deserves a man who is honest and nothing short. I am sure at dd's age she is thinking she can change him or that this "lie" is something very minor to be forgiven. I wish you and dd all the best!!

 

[momof2inPA]

If I knew the boy's name, I would turn him in to INS.

What's wrong with people? This sounds like a made for tv movie.

 

[mrsv98]

The young man is American. He got married in the court house, and they lived with his mother. My dd has told me that the mother seems to be very controlling. The young man keeps telling dd that he wants to move out. I am not really happy at all with any of this. I want to tell DD to run and move on. I did tell dd that I do not believe that he willing came to her and told her the truth. If dd had not suspected something, I do not believe he would have been honest.

My Mom is coming over so her and I can discuss this. I am also going to call the transplant team and ask them if I could travel for a few days. My PC Dr. told me that I could, providing I check with the team. I think a nice trip up to Lauren's college for a few days would be good. I want to be able to talk to her. I know she is hurting. I would like to see her move forward.

Just to jump in here..

In my early 20s, I was dating and unoffically "engaged to someone. Well, turns out he was doing some bad things. Expert liar/manipulator and fooled absolutely everyone in his life. He was arrested and charged with some nasty stuff. Were my parents worried, you bet, in fact freaked might be a better term. BUT, they never told me, "oh you have to stop seeing him", instead, they supported me, talked to me about the situation and then let me come to the conclusion on my own. Thank heavens the anvil hit me on the head one day and I ran in the other direction as fast as possible.

You love Lauren, you trust her, you have given her a good foundation so be supportive but let her make her own decision, I bet it will be the right one.

 

[Crankyshank]

You're a good mom to be concerned for her and to try your best to go out and visit and talk to her

I agree with pretty much everything that's been said. My major red flag is not the fact he lied about being single so much as the fact that he is so controlled by his mother that he allows her to make a decision about who he marries. Lauren would never be #1 in this man's life (Mom will be) and she deserves to be #1 in the life of the man she loves.

 

[va32h]

They've only been dating five months; I just wouldn't put up with all that crazy drama from someone I'd known for such a short time.

No matter how nice this guy seems - nice people don't enter into illegal marriages in exchange for cash, and then go out looking for dates, and lie about their circumstances until they are forced to confess.

 

[MosMom]

run awayyyyy run awayyyy - There are other fish in the sea. Your daughter works at Hooters right? I have a feeling she won't have problems finding boys to date. No need to get tied down to potential trouble.

 

[Divamomto3]

I see lots of red flags, but I don't know all the details.
If the young man was valedictorian, did he have scholarship offers too? The mother is "now clean and sober" and is a pharmacist? Pharmacist make a lot of money. How did she pay for her schooling?
I feel bad that your daughter is in the middle of what seems to be a mess, imho. What the young man did is illegal. to you and dd.

While there are multiple things wrong with your poor DD situation, this was the biggest red flag for me. It takes 4 to 6 years of full time schooling to become a pharmacist and I'm sure most of them make upwards of $100,000 per year for a full time job. Secondly, I find it hard to believe that a state would give a Pharmacist's license to someone with a drug problem. It must be hard for her to stay on the wagon while she's bottling up all that Morphine and Percocet all day.

Your DD is only 21. There are plenty of fish in the sea that aren't controlled by their mother, committing illegal immigration acts, and lying. Run....like the wind. This one is damaged goods.

 

[agnes!]

If I knew the boy's name, I would turn him in to INS.

What's wrong with people? This sounds like a made for tv movie.

I have some movie titles.
How about...
"Mommie Dearest", "The Grifters", "What I Did for Drugs", "Felonies Inc", "Liar, Liar" or "It's All in the Family"
Maybe some country-western songs...
"What's Mine is Mine, What's Yours is Mine"
or
"I Stole from the Taxpayers and it was OK by Me...but when *I* get ripped off? Grrrrrr, that's *NOT* funny!"

agnes!

 

[MsDisney23]

My Mom just left and I told her the story. She is very upset and feels that Lauren needs to get out now and run like the wind. She feels as though there is more to this, etc. I also feel the same way as her and most of you! It is my understanding from DD, that when this young man got married, that he truly cared for this young lady. I feel as though he has been controlled by his mother, but at the same time, he is responsible for his actions, etc. He knew when he started to date Lauren about his situation.

I need to go up and visit with Laruen and talk to her and explain to her that she needs to cut her loss'es and move forward. I know she is hurting and this is going to hurt her real bad. He did not give Lauren a choice, he lied and led her on for his onself! I see problems down the road if she does not get out.

 

[mickeyfan2]

You are a great and caring mother. Hope all goes well with your visit with Lauren.

 

[lbgraves]

If I knew the boy's name, I would turn him in to INS.

What's wrong with people? This sounds like a made for tv movie.

This was my first thought if it was my DD. I would be so upset with him for lying & then for doing something so illegal like this I couldn't keep my mouth shut. Your DD is worth so much more than what this kid could possible give her.

 

[vanyel]

As a mother of 2 DD in their 20s, I totally symphathize w/your dilemma. I have to echo most of the others sentiments and wish you both the best as you work through this.

FYI - not only could the Fed gov prosecute him, so can his school for fraudulant use of financial aid. I work at a university and while his info might have been technically correct on his FAFSA, if the fed would go after him, the school could also.

I'm sure she's really hurting right now, and of course, you're hurting for her. Follow your heart.