I need advise! Sorry might be long!

[MsDisney23]

DD Lauren came home yesterday for a visit. She is taking classes over the summer at College. She met a nice young man in January and has been dating him, DD is 21. She brought him home on Easter Sunday. He is a really nice young man. Gary and I both liked him as did my Mom.

A little background on the young man. He is 20 and goes to College as well, not the same one as DD. He was the Valvictorian (spelling) of his HS class. He lives at home with his Mother. His father passed from a drug overdose and the mother is clean and sober for 15 year's, she is a Pharmist. I told DD I give the mother alot of credit for making postitive changes in her life.

The young man seems to care very much for my DD, and DD the same! The young man had a past girlfriend, who the mother is very close with. The past girlfriend is from Korea, and the young man met her while in high school. she came here on a Visa and lived with her Uncle.

DD comes home yesterday and tells me she is upset. The young man told DD the truth this past week. Turns out he is "Married" He has been seperated from his wife for awhile. He got married at the age of 18! His mother encourgaged him to get married, as he then got alot of money from the gov. (FASA) for his college, as did the young lady. Also she then was able to apply for Citizenship! However they must be married for 2 year's.

DD had a talk with the young man's mother, and dd told the mother that she helped her son make a bad decison. The mother told DD, it is only another year and half and it is only a piece of paper. DD is upset and see's things differently, etc.

DD started to think their was something wrong, after going to visit the young man at his home and things would come out with his mother. DD started to put things together and that is when the young man told dd the truth.

I have to be honest, I have no idea what to say or tell my dd. She does not want me to judge him, I told her I would not. This is a very nice young man, and he made a stupid mistake.

Any advice please!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What kind of advice do you want?

 

[MAKmom]

Tell DD to RUN. This is a RED FLAG in life. Always look for the RED FLAGS!

The nice young man is doing something illegal & I believe it is an offence that can lead him to spend time in a prison cell. Fraud he is a fraud. She needs to get away before she falls in love! The trick to RED FLAGS working for you is getting out before you are in love.

 

[clh2]

Tell DD to RUN. This is a RED FLAG in life. Always look for the RED FLAGS!

The nice young man is doing something illegal & I believe it is an offence that can lead him to spend time in a prison cell. Fraud he is a fraud. She needs to get away before she falls in love! The trick to RED FLAGS working for you is getting out before you are in love.

Geez, this is a tough situation. Your poor DD.

But I agree 100% with MAKmom. This is illegal. Period. Yessiree - I see red flags too.

 

[Philadisney]

my mom always told me exactly what she thought of my boyfriends, and she was always, always right. i let a lot of horrible guys stay in my life because i was young and ditzy and it was easy to look past their gargantuan faults. my mom never told me what to do, but if it came up she would give me her opinion. and like i said, she was ALWAYS right. it is now so that if i bring home a guy and my mom doesn't like him i immediately start having second thoughts (luckily she likes DBF!). i am so grateful now to my mom for telling me what she thought, even if it made me angry at the time.
(FWIW, i agree with the above two posters...)

 

[chyam]

Wow........but I have heard of situations like this before, and I guess I would give him the benefit of the doubt as long as he is only married on paper and not in any kind of situation with her. Being as young as he was and coming from the home he did, I think he was just trying to better himself by getting the money to attend college and he probably thought he was helping the girl at the same time. Do I agree with situations like that .....NO. But he was very young and took an option that will help him the rest of his life (college and the money to pay for it) I think we are all entitled to make mistakes (even more so when we are young) but we learn from them and he has been honest with your DD. They have only been dating since January and apparently he wanted to see how things work out with your DD and apparently he cares enough about her to tell her the truth. Your DD just needs to keep her eyes open that this is just a case of "paper marriage"

 

[Christine]

There is a bit of a "red flag" here, I will admit.

More so in that the young man seems easily manipulated by his mother. Let's face it, at that age he was probably heavily influenced by his mom. His mom like this girl and the situation seemed to benefit all, even though it is illegal. I only give him the benefit here because he was 18 when this happened and not from the most stable household.

If I were your DD, I guess I would just proceed with caution and see how this goes. They've only started dating--we're not talking marrriage here. If there is anything else "weird", I'm sure it will come out with some time.

 

[j's m]

I won't debate the legal/illegal marriage or the manipulating mother, other posters have that covered.

#1 Problem for me? HE LIED. He led her to believe he was single and eligible to date since January. Only when your DD put the pieces together did he tell the truth. WHAT ELSE IS HE LYING ABOUT?

A relationship started on lies is only going to get worse. Please help your DD get over him and into a relationship that will focus on truth and love.

 

[drgnfly30]

My advice... run like the wind...

Besides something still doesn't add up (unless I misread something).. if he got married at 18, is currently 20, only has to stay married for 2 years, why does the marriage have to last another year & a half?!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Tell DD to RUN. This is a RED FLAG in life. Always look for the RED FLAGS!

The nice young man is doing something illegal & I believe it is an offence that can lead him to spend time in a prison cell. Fraud he is a fraud. She needs to get away before she falls in love! The trick to RED FLAGS working for you is getting out before you are in love.

ITA! IMO, Neither the BF's mother nor the BF showed good judgement. Seems like they did the wrong thing for the wrong reasons. MONEY. The citizenship looks to be secondary. People can obtain citizenship through the right channels.

If it were my DD I'd tell her to run and don't look back!



ETA- The mother also "lied" to your DD by omission. If she "slipped up" a few times she was in on the lie too. I wouldn't want my DD associating with a duo of liars. What if they concocted a scheme that either involved her or included her without her awareness? It could happen. They could sign her name to something and not tell her. That would just be a peice of paper too!

If they think what they did was ok, then who knows what else they think is ok?

 

[Philadisney]

#1 Problem for me? HE LIED. He led her to believe he was single and eligible to date since January. Only when your DD put the pieces together did he tell the truth. WHAT ELSE IS HE LYING ABOUT?

he may have been 18 when it happened, but he was lying about it until last week! besides, i would be wary of a man who refers to his marriage as 'a piece of paper'

 

[DVC Sadie]

First of all I want to say that I feel for both you and your DD.


I just don't see how your dd will allow herself to be in a relationship with someone who is already married even if it's only on paper.

It seems as if the boyfriends mother still has a lot of influence over her son and see's nothing wrong with using the system to benefit her son (or her). Usually a lot of money changes hands in marriage for citizenship types of situations. I was stationed in the Phillipines for 3 years and saw my share of marriage for citizenship type of situations.

If your dd's boyfriend can easily use a situation to benefit him financially could he also use your dd just as easily? Some of the best con men in the world are really nice, charming, and so easy to get along with. I see this as a no win situation for your dd, and your family.

Please tell your dd that this is not the type of young man who can give her what she deserves. As other posted stated, she should run!

 

[Christine]

My advice... run like the wind...

Besides something still doesn't add up (unless I misread something).. if he got married at 18, is currently 20, only has to stay married for 2 years, why does the marriage have to last another year & a half?!

Maybe he didn't get married on the day he turned 18. Maybe he was almost 19--which would take almost a year off of your calculation.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

The biggest red flag here is the mother-son relationship. WOW! It will not get better.

DD needs to cut her losses and run!

Lori

 

[mickeyfan1]

I would tell your daughter that she needs to stop seeing him. He is married. No matter if it's on paper, or if he has 12 kids, he is MARRIED. She is young, she should be more concerned with finishing school and starting her own life, finding her own way. She doesn't have to have a boyfriend.IT's nice, but not needed. She needs to tell him buh-bye and move on.

Sad that this guy strung her on for 2 years.

 

[agnes!]

He lied about being SINGLE, so gee...what else could he be lying about?

Ummmmm, hey - how about the idea that this marriage is ONLY a "marriage on paper"!?!

Stick to the facts, mom. Maybe ask her if one of her friends came to her and told her this happened, what advice would she give that friend? (And then invite some of those friends over for a party, preferably lots of eligible/honorable young men, lol).

Here's how the situation stacks up to me...
1) he is lying to the government
2) he conspired with (at least!) two other people in that lie
3) he lied to get his hands on our tax money...to get MONEY not to do something heroic like saving someone's life
4) If he is willing to LIE about money, maybe he's LYING about sleeping with his WIFE (Btw, has anyone actually met this man's WIFE?)
5) Promises mean NOTHING to him, he's already proven THAT. Did he get married in a church, did they have a priest or a pastor, did they make a COVENANT with God?
6) Clean?!? Sober?!? Oh REALLY.
7) Working as a Pharmacist, then why did SHE NEED THE MONEY?!?
8) Just because others get away with something, that doesn't make it right. This family, mother AND son, are unethical and immoral. Maybe she also thinks folks should be entitled to abuse as much prescription drugs as they can ingest...

agnes!
PS - Get a background check done on this family.

 

[sharbear]

Kitty, I have to ask, is the young man Korean also. If so, maybe this was an arranged marriage for the young women to receive her green card. I'm not saying that what happened was wrong but I wonder if the young man has any input into him being married.

I know it sounds crazy that there would be arranged marriages in this day and age but it happens all the time. I have heard a rumor that one of the girls in my S's class will be married after HS in an arranged marriage. The girl is very unhappy about this and does not want to marry this fellow.

I feel really sorry for your DD and the young man that she is dating. I don't know if she should stay involved with him but if this is what I think it is. I would be very wary of this relationship because of the influence of his family.

 

[rie'smom]

Tell her to stop seeing him.I see problems ahead with the lying and the mother. She is still exhibiting the behavior of a druggie with the manipulation and the fact that she encourages her son to break the law.Besides the fact that she is a pharmacist-HELLO- I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that the pharmacy doesn't know she's had problems with drugs. That's like an alcoholic becoming a bartender. Before the flames,I realize that people can reform but it's borrowing trouble.

 

[RickinNYC]

Aside from the obvious issues, I'd be concerned that this kid can be so easily controlled by his mother that he makes such drastic and very serious decisions. Yikes!

 

[Wonderlandmom]

I see lots of red flags, but I don't know all the details.
If the young man was valedictorian, did he have scholarship offers too? The mother is "now clean and sober" and is a pharmacist? Pharmacist make a lot of money. How did she pay for her schooling?
I feel bad that your daughter is in the middle of what seems to be a mess, imho. What the young man did is illegal. to you and dd.