I need advice!

[Bbgrizzle]

We had an incident today that I'm not sure how to handle. Please help!

Some good friends of ours (they are also our neighbors) needed us to watch four of their young children while they were at the hospital visiting their other child. Their youngest child is a two-year-old baby girl, who has been in the hospital for four weeks now with severe pneumonia. She is very near death, on life support, and has flatlined three times. They are amazing people and I really look up to them for being such strong people and having such faith.

Anyway, while their kids were here today, one of the boys (age 5)killed my 6-year-old DD's hamster. We kept telling him to leave it alone because he was very rough with it. But he kept sneaking back in the playroom. We didn't realize the hamster was dead until after they had gone home. Under normal circumstances, I would march right over there and tell the parents. But with them going through so much right now, I'm not sure I should. I don't want to add that to their very-full plates. I know I would be very upset to learn that my child had killed another child's pet.

What would you do? Should I tell them? Or keep it quiet, at least until their youngest child is out of the woods?

 

[momsal]

I would probally handle it myself They have enough on their minds right now. They are probally going to need you to watch the kids again and when you do you can find some way to to stress to the boy that he needs to behave.

( make him apoligise , maybe do some small chore to "pay" for a new hampster) You probally know how his family deals with punishment so just follow their lead.

 

[tiggersmom2]

I would definitely just "let it go". These parents are overwhelmed and I would just buy my kids a new hamster if it were me. It would be different if it were a dog or cat IMO.

 

[HaleyB]

I understand you don't want to add to their stress, but you need to find a way to tell them. Do you think the boy understood he was being too rough? I am going to guess he did, 5 is old enough to understand this. This is a red flag and needs to be dealt with. Perhaps ther is a social worker at the hospital that you can get advise from?

I am not sure how I would approach this, but I am sure you, or someone,should tell them.

Oh those poor people, I don't know how a parent survives such a thing. Sending prayers for them and also for you.


(((Hugs)))

 

[dzneprincess]

No, do not worry them with this right now. I would handle it myself, and maybe in the future mention it to the parents, but a hamster is a trivial thing when you looking at the possible death of a child. Poor folks. My heart goes out to them!

 

[kadaten]

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, but I'd probably try to find some way to mention it, if only because kids that age don't know appropriate ways to handle emotions and might be showing grief/loss/something else regarding the sick sibling by acting out and hurting your pet....I'd want to make sure they noticed his cry for help and got him the love and support he may be crying out for.

However, if this child is known for being aggressive or rough, and this was part of his usual M.O., though, I'd probably let it go at least until the situation with the sick child is over.

 

[shortbun]

I'm sorry about your hamster. Do you think he did it on purpose
or just being rough? If you at all think he did it on purpose, I'd
tell the parents. I'd tell them NOT for blame or punishment's
sake but so they are aware that another of their children is in
trouble, emotionally. I'd make sure I told them that you are not
mad, just concerned about him. Killing animals is a clear sign
of serious emotional stress/disturbance at age 5. I can't tell by
your post if you think it was on purpose or just through carelessness and not following instructions. I think it makes a
big difference. I would not say a word about it unless you think
it was a deliberate act with him being sure of the consequences of
his actions. I'd make it clear to them that the boy was your only
concern, not the hamster.

 

[ripleysmom]

Normally I would say let it go, it's really not worth bothering the parents about.

That being said, I agree with the poster that this could be a possible warning sign about the 5 yr old.

Keep your eyes on that child. Ask your children if he seems to play extra rough. Do accidents usually happen around him? Keep an eye out for other small dead animals in your area. I know that may sound like an overreaction but many serial killers start out that way.

 

[KimRaye]

Originally posted by shortbun
Killing animals is a clear sign of serious emotional stress/disturbance at age 5.

Originally posted by ripleysmom
I agree with the poster that this could be a possible warning sign about the 5 yr old.

I totally agree and, I think this 5yo IS under stress right now so, I think you need to handle this carefully.

Under NORMAL, everyday circumstances, it would certainly merit a mention to the parents so, ESPECIALLY due to the circumstances, I think the parents need to know. jmho

Sorry to read about ALL of this.

 

[phamton]

I am one of the most animal-loving people you will ever meet, but at age 5, I killed a baby duck. My friend had several ducks and I was playing with them. Her father, a vet, told me to be careful. But I hugged it too hard. I was actually loving on it. Little kids often don't realize how fragile some animals are. I hugged my dog and cat all the time and had no concept that you can't hug a baby duck. I am so glad that no one labelled me as troubled.

What did my parents do? They paid for another duck for my friend, had me apologize even though I was devasted over killing an animal, and then bought me a baby duck so I could learn how to take care of it.

That duck lived happily for many years and followed me around the neighborhhood like a pet dog. I loved that duck. I'm sorry that another duck lost its life from my actions but I was ignorant of how fragile small animals were and I suspect most 5 year olds think of small animals like hamsters as just little dogs. Young children think they can play as rough with a hamster as they can with a puppy. Unfortunately hamsters aren't as hardy as dogs or cats.

This post dedicated to Klenda, the best duck a kid could ever have.

Bev

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am sorry about your hamster. My dd would be hurt beyond all reason if it was her hamster. She would never want this kid back in her house. Very tough situation!

That being said I would have put the hamster out of the childs reach when I suspected he was too rough with it and could possibly harm it. So I guess you could look at it that way. It was your responsibility as the pet owner to insure its safety.

I don't know what the right thing to do is. Whose hamster was it?

 

[bumcat]

No way would I tell them at this time. I had a friend that lost her only child at 6 months after he was in the hospital and what they went thru was devistating enough. I doubt it would even register with them right now because mentally they are probably pretty drained.
Do they have pets? Some kids are never taught how to safely handle animals. I have seen that age group be real rough with dogs and cats. Even if he has a dog or cat he still would not understand that a hamster can not be handled in that way.
If he does not play aggressive with others I would assume it was not on purpose. If he had never seen a hamster before he might have been fascinated by it not realising what he was doing.
I would also sit and chat with this child. You can learn so much by taking the time to do that.
Kids mature at different ages, not all 5 yrs old are on the same level.

 

[Stepharoonie!]

I'd try to find a way to mention it because you DID tell the boy several times to leave the hamster alone.

 

[Mskanga]

I am assuming that the hamster was in a cage, why didn't you just move it someplace where he couldn't get it?
Truthfully I wouldn't say anything to the parents , right now they have more than enough to deal with. I would just go out and buy another hamster for my kids if they were so upset.
That's just what I would do.

 

[Bbgrizzle]

Originally posted by Mskanga
I am assuming that the hamster was in a cage, why didn't you just move it someplace where he couldn't get it?

Not an option, since the cage is built-in to an entertainment center. Belive me, we wish we would have done something like that. In hindsight, there are a lot things we could have done differently if we would have known the boy was capable of killing the hamster. He was being rough with the hamster when the kids had him out playing with him, that's why we put him back in the cage. When he kept going into the playroom and bugging the hamster even after we told him not to, that's when we put all the toys in the front living room and told ALL the kids that they had to stay out of the playroom. He was sneaking in anyway and we didn't realize it. We thought they were all in the front room playing, 7 kids make a lot of noise. But even if he did sneak in, you wouldn't expect that the hamster would be killed. We have kids over all the time and they all play with the hamster.

Thanks everyone for your advice. Here's what happened: My DH ended up telling the parents. I told him we shouldn't but he thought they needed to know. He could do it again at someone else's house, and also like some of you pointed out, the parents need to know if he is having emotional issues because of his little sister. So he went over there and they talked about it. The boy admitted that he did it. He threw the hamster against the wall (not sure how many times, and not sure if this was the ultimate cause of death). It is possible it was the cause of death becuase the hamster was bent at a strange angle, like his back was broken or something. DH said the boy didn't cry or act like he was sorry. He may not have understood what he did. He seems immature for his age. Later, their kids came over (the mom came too) and brought some flowers and homemade cards saying they were sorry. The boy is going to sell his toys to buy my DD a new hamster. That made my kids feel better because they were very upset last night. We are going to have Hercules' funeral today.

Thanks again. I can always count on my fellow DISers for good advice.

 

[HauntedMansionGeek]

Oh how sad that you discovered he threw the little animal against the wall.

How hard this must be for you folks and for the other family as well. I'm so sorry!



And phamton, ya made me cry. What a sad/sweet little story. I agree that kids don't always realize at all how fragile a small critters body really is! *hugs* to you and your little duck!

 

[jipsy]

To me, it sounds like he is crying out for attention. Given the situation at home, they are putting all their attention on their sick child (and rightly so at this time) and it doesn't sound like this child is handling it well.

I'm glad you told them - it is something they needed to know.

 

[mom2boys]

I think you did the right thing by telling the parents. If the child had been upset - as phantom clearly was over the duck, I might have waited to tell the parents. They were bound to find out with so many other children around. Small witnesses have large mouths.
That family is going through a lot. They are fortunate to have you as friends. I say a prayer for the baby & the entire family.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am happy that things went OK. So sorry about the hamster news.
That is just downright .

 

[MeanLaureen]

wow

I can understand a child accidentally killing an animal by "loving" it too much, but this isn't the case here

I really think this child needs some help.

I understand a child acting out and being destructive as a cry for attention when he feels he is not getting enough..

but good God, taking a living creature and throwing it at a wall? You can't tell me he wasn't aware he was torturing the animal. If it didn't die instantly I'm sure it was crying out in pain.

I hope his parents don't take this lightly, especially since he showed zero remorse over killing it