I Need Advice Re Playground Incident (Sorta Long)

[momof1princess]

i honestly don't know what to do...when i picked up my DD at school yesterday, she told me that one of the boys in her class walked up to her on the playground and showed her his boxer shorts she did what i told her to do whenever someone was bothering her-she walked away. however, she didn't tell the PE teacher what happened, so i called the principal as soon as i walked in the door. honestly, i don't think anything will be done about this b/c the kids are out of school until Nov. 26th (in my experience, this school sweeps incidents under the rug at every opportunity). this boy has been teasing my daughter for over a week and he and his twin brother have made up a song about her (she hasn't heard it so i have no idea of it's contents) which i assume is derogatory. i only know about the song b/c a friend of mine told me yesterday (her son knows the boy and is also in DD's class). so it seems my daughter has become a target...what should i do? should i call the principal when school resumes on the 26th, inform him about the teasing and the song and find out what he intends to do? would i have more luck w/ her teacher or the school counselor? i don't want to overreact, but at the same time, i feel this boy needs to be taught appropriate playground behavior and respect for the opposite gender. i've never had to deal w/ anything like this, so any help or advice is greatly appreciated.

 

[KeepSwimming]

I am SO sorry your daughter is having this problem!!!

How old are the kids we're talking about here?

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

Both DD's have had various school problems. I have found that everyone will pass the buck if they are allowed to. I have talked with teachers, counselors and principals. I have found that talking with them in person makes it much harder for them to blow you off. I would not stand for the I'll see what I can do line either. You DD has as much right as any other student to be able to feel safe and comfortable at her school. If nothing is done I would also let the principal know that I would keep going up the chain of command until this is resolved. I know it feels horrible to make waves but honestly if you don't fight for your DD who will. One thing I don't do is demand to know what will be done to the offender. As long as the problem is taken care of it is really no ones business. And besides if they are punished all the kids at the school find out anyway.

 

[dunbarfamily]

I too am interested in how old the children are.

I am sorry your daughter has to deal with this. I'd start with the teacher and work up, just as Goofy4donald suggested.

 

[momof1princess]

i'm so sorry i forgot! my DD is 10 and in 4th grade. the school is K-4th. ty for everyone's responses so far!

 

[disykat]

I would talk to the teacher. My first thought is that someone has a crush on your dd. I'm assuming they're pretty young?

When I taught 1st grade I remember a boy who showed the girls his underwear. He was an immature little cutie who was I think was doing it for attention and to hear the girls squeal, etc. I talked to him quite seriously - but he did it again. I sent him to the vice-principal for a little man-to-man chat and it stopped. I didn't really consider him to be "in trouble" but rather making a poor choice that he didn't understand could have bad consequences. Had he continued, I would have provided consequences.

That was back in the day, and I know things are different now, but little boys still like to torment the girls and they still have a fascination with underwear (along with anything else that falls in the potty category). I have two sons, one of whom has an underwear showing incident in his past. Thankfully it was preschool, not elementary.

Obviously, it also depends on the age, but my first thought was an immature little boy likes your dd.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I've learned that it's better to send e-mails to school than make phone calls because it gives you a paper trail. I think I would e-mail the principal and copy the school counselor and teacher. Explain the entire situation in a matter of fact way (try not to get emotional). Ask the principal to get back to you with some kind of plan or resolution to the problem. Since you copied the counselor and teacher, they will most likely mention it to the principal and then it will be harder for him to sweep it under the rug. I would send the e-mail now while the incident is still fresh in your mind and your daughter's. The principal will see it right after the break and he can deal with it then. If the situation with the boy escalates, you will have a dated copy of your e-mail to show that you addressed it with the principal.

It's ashame your daughter has to deal with a bully! There's a girl in my son's class right now who is being bullied by a really mean-spirited boy. The girl is a cancer survivor and has some learning disabilities and this boy is saying the most awful things to her and, worst of all, making threats toward her. Her mother has been talking to me about it and I advised her to do the same thing - send an e-mail whenever something happens. Even if she speaks to the principal directly, she sends an e-mail to follow-up. The situation is getting to where the mom wants to call the police because she doesn't feel the school is handling it properly and the bullying hasn't stopped. If and when she makes a police report, she will be able to print all of her messages and any replies she's received from the principal. These will be invaluable for her in remembering exact dates of incidents and what the school promised to do.

Good luck! I hope it all works out for your daughter.

 

[momof1princess]

thank you disykat! i've considered the possibility that the boy likes my DD and i'm hope that's all it is, but i'm fearful he's really zeroed in on her as a target for bullying.

 

[momof1princess]

I've learned that it's better to send e-mails to school than make phone calls because it gives you a paper trail. I think I would e-mail the principal and copy the school counselor and teacher. Explain the entire situation in a matter of fact way (try not to get emotional). Ask the principal to get back to you with some kind of plan or resolution to the problem. Since you copied the counselor and teacher, they will most likely mention it to the principal and then it will be harder for him to sweep it under the rug. I would send the e-mail now while the incident is still fresh in your mind and your daughter's. The principal will see it right after the break and he can deal with it then. If the situation with the boy escalates, you will have a dated copy of your e-mail to show that you addressed it with the principal.

It's ashame your daughter has to deal with a bully! There's a girl in my son's class right now who is being bullied by a really mean-spirited boy. The girl is a cancer survivor and has some learning disabilities and this boy is saying the most awful things to her and, worst of all, making threats toward her. Her mother has been talking to me about it and I advised her to do the same thing - send an e-mail whenever something happens. Even if she speaks to the principal directly, she sends an e-mail to follow-up. The situation is getting to where the mom wants to call the police because she doesn't feel the school is handling it properly and the bullying hasn't stopped. If and when she makes a police report, she will be able to print all of her messages and any replies she's received from the principal. These will be invaluable for her in remembering exact dates of incidents and what the school promised to do.

Good luck! I hope it all works out for your daughter.

thank you! here i am, sitting in front of my computer and i hadn't even considered sending an e-mail!

 

[StephMK]

4th grade is old enough to know better but still young enough to be goofy. What's his reputation in the class? Clown or bully? I'd start w/the teacher & go from there. Did he just show her the waistband or fully pull them down? Depending on how much he revealed, I would make a bigger issue if it was more than a corner, kwim?

 

[teacups]

The email is a great idea. I might also add that if my dd were to be pulled out of class to be talked to, I'd want a phone call first. That's just me.

 

[spicemom]

I would definitely be letting someone know. Talk to the teacher first and I wouldn't wait long, if it happened again at school I would email the principal and let him know you talked to the teacher already (because that may the first thing they suggest) and let him know exactly what's been happening and state the expected outcome. " A squeaky wheel gets the grease"

 

[mommylicious]

Do you know the boys mother? If you do, I'd start there. I'd see if you can find out the nature of the song and then call Mom and ask for her assistance in stopping the problem. I'm the mother of 3 boys and I would want someone to come to me and let me know about stuff like that right away rather than letting it filter through the school and then on to me where a good bit of time may have passed before I heard about it. My boys are the type who are more likely to be bullied than to be the bully but having been the target of bullies back in my day (sucks to be a girl who is more than a head taller than everyone else in the class...it's a "pick on me, I'm different" sort of target ) I would want to know about it so it could be addressed at home. I am the type of Mom who would have a zero tollerance policy in our house for bullying. If I found out my kids were bullying, there will be consequences at home for it.

As far as the school goes, I think I would start with the teacher since the boy in question is in her class. I would make sure the teacher knows you want to know what is going to be done about it. Maybe even request a conference with the teacher and the boy's mom together. If it happens again, or if it escalates into anything more serious, then I would go to the principal. I think most principals appreciate it when parents try to start with the teacher and most teachers appreciate it when parents don't automatically jump over their head.

I hope you are able to get the situation resolved for you daughter!

 

[momof1princess]

thank you all! unfortunately, i don't know the boy or his parents, so i have no recourse there. DD's teacher wasn't at school the day the incident occurred, so i had no choice but to speak w/ the principal. i will definitely let DD's teacher know what happened and ask for her suggestions regarding how to handle it (she's been teaching for at least 15 years and i'm sure there's very little she hasn't seen).

 

[LuvOrlando]

I am so sorry you need to deal with this. If it were me my first response would be the same as yours. I would also definitely call the teacher and the principal and find out who is watching the kids during recess. My kids are roughly the same age and they have teacher's aides watch the kids during recess and lunch so you might want to make sure the appropriate adult is aware of whats going on.

What I find interesting is that with all this advice no-one is talking about what your daughter can do to protect herself. I have been teaching my kids how to handle themselves via role playing since they were toddlers. Every time one of my kids comes home with a problem we role play things they could have done or said so the next time, they have a plan. At this point they both have a ton of come-backs that will, hopefully, cause a bully to avoid them as too much trouble.

This may be the city girl in me talking, but I teach my kids the 2 most important weapons they have are their minds and their mouths. I have taught them to make a huge scene if they feel threatened because then adults will not be able to ignore the problem. I have taught them that yelling in an aggressor's face is ok and will make most people who mean to hurt them back off (DS did this 1st week of 2nd grade and scared off a 5th grader who was bullying him and his friends). Most importantly, I have taught them that staying calm and out thinking a problem ALWAYS works better than crying.

I hope your DD is feeling ok and has a better day tomorrow...you too.

 

[lpandorf]

My DD7 was coming home from school often upset this year. She said a group of girls was telling her she was ugly, unfit to be a cheerleader (DD plays soccer, these kids were in cheerleading and DD also likes to do cheers so went over to join them as she's very friendly), called her loser, etc. I told her to stay away from them and meet other kids but they still bothered her. I brought it up at her conference and the teacher told me the girls had already been split up (there were 3 main culprits and each put in a different grade 2 class). The teacher said they had been to the principal and parents brought in and principal actively working with parents to get kids under control as they were being mean to other girls too. Did not read all of the post but maybe teacher/principal aware and working on it. Or if not, would bring it to ther attention.