I just need to vent... I apologize. (LONG)

[o0IrishEyes0o]

Okay. So this is probably going to sound really bridezilla of me, but I need to get this off my chest.

Initially my DF and I had planned our escape wedding to be just this wee little thing. Just he and I. It was going to be so inexpensive and romantic.

We broke the news to my mom, and she was fine. She understood the cost of doing a big wedding was scary, and doing something "less" than what I wanted would just be me sacrificing my big day. So doing a Disney escape let me have my princess day, but at a fraction of the cost.

Enter DF's family. They were less than thrilled w/ the idea... joked how they would crash it, etc. I thought that was so unfair b/c my mom would be watching my daughter, and thus, not able to 'crash'. So there was some confict.

After talking it over, we decided to invite some friends and our parents. It was going to be 8 people total. Just enough to feel like we were doing something special and we'd have people to clap for us. I was happy, parents were happy. We did this b/c i have a LARGE immediate family. Eight people just in my immediate. My DF has 3. By keeping it to our parents (I wasn't even inviting my stepdad), and a few mutual friends we kept it equal.

Annoyance #1:
DF's sister FREAKED. She threw the BIGGEST fit. So, long story short, we invited her, and i just sucked it up that she was getting to go, and all of my siblings weren't (I had to pick 2 of the 4). So to try to mend fences, I asked if she wanted to wheel our daughter down the aisle during the ceremony. This was a HUGE deal on my part, b/c MY sister would have loved to do it (she is, in turn, being a bridesmaid).

Annoyance #2:
Her response. "Yeah... okay I guess". Um, HELLO! Act grateful after you made a huge deal about being invited to the wedding that we are now asking you to be part of it. Or... just say "nah, i just want to be a guest". The plus was DF's mom was really grateful, so at least I feel like SOMEONE recognized my efforts.

So, I decided that I dont want her in a bridesmaid gown cos she's not a bridesmaid. So she wont be standing up at the alter or anything. Just wheeling my baby girl down the aisle and then taking her seat. On the same token, I dont want her having to go out and drop a ton of $$$ on a 'bridal party' dress.

We're 3 months away so I bring up to FMIL "Do you know what FSIL is thinking about wearing to the wedding". FMIL then told me she wanted to talk to me about what I wanted to wear. I was really pleased and began describing "Something that isn't strapless/halter/short... Nothing hoochie". So FMIL says "Yeah... I think she was thinking of a pretty tea-length sundress".

I was thrilled. FSIL and DF have a strained relationshipo. He thinks his sis is "white trash" (his words, not mine). She is a little bit needy with attention, so I was really worried that she was going to try to steal the thunder on my wedding day by wanting to wear something ridiculous. But I was so excited b/c it seemed like we were worried for nothing.

So I checked out the David's Bridal site and I came up with this dress:

Now, to be fair, I realize it's $130 and i dont expect her to get it. I also gave her another style that I liked to give her some sort of jumping off point. This is exactly what i wrote to her:

The only things I would want you to stay away from are strapless/halter dresses (everyone in the bridal party has
straps). And if you could try to keep it a solid shade of pink if you want to wear a dress, I'd appreciate it

I also specified it should be tea-length in the email. As an alternative, I said if she wanted to do a linen suit or something, I was fine with that too (and at least it would be re-wearable).

She told me she would most likely go with the dress from David's Bridal, but she would maybe look around a little first just to see. But she didn't think she'd find something better than that.

THIS is what she just emailed me with:

It's like she took everything I asked her not to do... and did it. Her reasoning being she wants to be able to re-wear it. And I know if I go to her and say "no, that really the opposite of what I want you in" she'll act fine to my face, and do nothing but complain behind my back about how I'm being unreasonable. (I'd also like to point out that the dress she picked is $50 more than the one at David's, though... the rewear factor is obviously more present).

I feel awful for being annoyed with her... but I mean... I said "NO halter. Tea length. Solid color."

But, I'm so angry!! I mean, our wedding expenses jumped $5000 basically b/c she threw a temper tantrum and wanted to go... so we changed our plans to suit her. It's all little things. It's a bigger deal so we're doing things like favors... the dinner is more expensive... b/c my sis couldn't walk my daughter down the aisle I made her a bridesmaid, and I'm pay for her dress/shoes/hair/makeup. I mean, I KNOW some of that stuff is my decision... but if she hadn't have thrown a fit in the first place... We'd be having a small dinner for 10... not a huge deal for 20.

How awful am I girls? I know I'm probably just blame shifting...

It's okay to be brutal...

 

[Ember]

Well, I don't think you've gone off the deep end. But I can say with certainty on the day of your wedding what someone else is wearing will not even cross your mind. Yes, she's a little strange for deliberately going against your request, but it's probably not worth getting too upset over. If asking her to change dresses will cause more stress in your life then having her go with that one then I wouldn't worry about it. If you think it'll be easier or better to force her to choose a new dress then there's also nothing wrong with that.

Sorry to hear about the stress this is causing you!

 

[disprincessatheart]

I don't think you're being awful at all. My DSis who I get along with took 10 months to pick a dress when I told her all she had to do was pick something purple. That was the only restriction. I told her I didn't care what length, what neckline, anything. When she finally did go shopping, she emailed me a picture of a mix and match set (fine by me) but she wanted her top to be white!!! I called her and explained that if she had a white top, and she was my only bridesmaid, in any waist up pics, no one would know who the bride was... lol. She ended up picking one that was purple with a white sash around the waist because she didn't want to "look like a grape".

Sounds like in your situation, she's doing her best to get something she likes, regardless of what you'd like. I don't think you're going to get her to do something different. The dress is nice, and even though it's not what you had in mind, at least it's not awful. You don't really have to have her in any wedding party pics, so if you do let her wear it, just don't put her in many pics.

 

[Tabetha]

See now, I think the dress she picked is cute!
It doesn't show a lot of flesh, and while I guess you can say technically it's a halter topped gown, at least it doesn't show show off the girls.

To be totally frank, she's not "in the wedding party", so I don't know if you can really dictate that much of what she's going to wear.

I'd email her back and ask what colour she plans on ordering it in - perhaps she's planning on ordering it in pink?

And apparently I'm fashion challenged - that's not tea length?

 

[Glorydaz]

isn't it amazing how something so simple as falling in love and marrying the person you adore turns into this??!

my advice: she is who she is and isn't planning on changing for you. aceept that. the dress is not what you wanted but it's not horrible, she's not in the bridal party ergo not in bridal party photos...and you're not paying for her clothes. yes, she's at your wedding but like someone else pointed out - on your wedding day - she will be part of the background - it's YOUR day!

I don't think you're horrible to rant about this , we brides all have this picture in our mind of how "perfect" our day will be. there's always a blemish - some bigger than others.

just concentrate on the GOOD stuff!! sending many your way!

Michelle

 

[PEANUT1]

I dont think you are horrible......but

Just try not to sweat the small stuff.
It will be a wonderful day. The more you worry and complain the
more annoyed your DF will be and the more you won't be able to enjoy the big day. Either dress looks like it would be nice.

I think after all is said and done, you will be happy to have your family there.

Btw, are you paying for everyone to go? WHy is it $5000 more dollars.?

Good luck and take a deep breath and enjoy!

 

[AbbyPan]

Hey there, I know at first it seems like the world is crashing on you, because after all, it is your wedding
I agree, however, that if she is not a BM, then don't worry too much about her. If she plans to dress the skimpiest out of all your guests, then she's gonna look ridiculous. Her problem, not yours.

Also, it sounds like she already has a reputation and I'm not sure there's much you can do about that. I know for a fact that this is easier said than done, but try to zone her out, pick your battles wisely- something may come up in the future that is def more worth stressing over. I don't mean to sound rude, but she doesn't sound like the sort person you want to be stressed over, imo

With that said, you should vent away as much as you need to. Planning can be stressful, especially when its not turning out to be what you envisioned. sorry!!!

 

[o0IrishEyes0o]

I'd email her back and ask what colour she plans on ordering it in - perhaps she's planning on ordering it in pink?

And apparently I'm fashion challenged - that's not tea length?

Tea length is just below the knee. She's quite tall... so anything that is knee length is going to actually come above the knee on her.

And that is the color of the dress... I think that is their pink?

And I totally agree that the dress is cute. It's just that (you can't tell from the pic) but it is backless. And, I'm not saying the dress is ugly... just that one thing I expressed that I'd prefer her to stay away from is a halter top. The color and the tealength thing were definately said more as an aside, but i really really specifically said I didn't want her wearing a halter.

And, I mean, she's the type of person that I honestly thing would do something like this on purpose just to upset me.

 

[o0IrishEyes0o]

You guys are all totally right.

The dress is NOT horrible. I think it's just the principle.

She asked my opinion... and then she did the total opposite. She has caused problems since the day I started dating DF (part of the reason she and DF are very strained).

I just feel like I was already trying to be the bigger person by asking her to be a part of the wedding... and she is just trying to push my buttons now. I wouldn't put it past her

The dress is cute, but I guess I just dont feel like it's very appropriate given the fact that she's walking my 9month old baby down the aisle... so she is actually part of our ceremony... and that dress doesn't fit in at all with what my bridal party is wearing.

I guess I just envisioned something more 'bridal party' even tho she doesn't have a bridal party title. Which, is probably not fair

Sorry if I seem like a bridezilla I'm just trying so hard to involve her and I guess I feel like she should be putting some effort back into it... and I feel like she's just more concerned about looking 'hot' in my wedding pictures... than looking like she's at a wedding...

 

[AbbyPan]

A bridezilla rarely ever apologizes for her behavior, and you've apologized quite a few times already, so don't you worry!!!

Remember to vent once in a while, its a great way to relive stress

 

[stitchfan18]

Maybe you could email her back and tell her you were hoping she would pick something all pink, and ask if she has a couple other options she likes? That way she might find something else you both like and you won't be trying to fight her morals on what is appropriate lengthwise or top wise. If she still insists on going against all your requests there isn't much you can do about it since she isn't in the bridal party. I've been to weddings before where some people have shown up dressed really ridiculous (I went to one wedding last year where someone showed up in a really short strapless dress, and the wedding was in an actual church ), and they have never taken away from the bride, they just gave me a good laugh No matter what she wears, you'll be the focus of everyone on your special day!

 

[o0IrishEyes0o]

Aww thanks!

I looked at Macy's (where she found that one) and I found quite a few dresses that conform to the "not halter" request...

A patterned one that I thought was okay even tho it had a pattern:

And two solid pink ones:

And I did find a halter dress I liked:
http://davidsbridal.com/social_dresses_detail.jsp?stid=2320&prodgroup=54

I just think that looks a little more classy ...I kind of feel, with the halter dress she picked, if it was green she'd look like a german beer wench.

 

[Glorydaz]

Aww

...I kind of feel, with the halter dress she picked, if it was green she'd look like a german beer wench.

priceless!!!

Michelle

 

[Tabetha]

Can you email her and say, "that's cute, but what do you think of these?" and send her those links...

If she goes with this backless dress, just gift her a nice pashsmina in your wedding colours! "Oh, you're likely to be chilly in the air conditioned WP"...

Good luck, you're obviously very thoughtful.

 

[myprincessgirlisa]

Agreed....your not a bridezilla at all!!!

As one girl said...try not to let the small stuff bug you....i know its hard cause you want a perfect day, but as another poster said....you'll be to busy to notice.

I think the dress is cute & sure it has a halter, but your right, shes not in the bridal party, so its not to bad....it could be worse....i was just at a wedding where people came in tank tops/tshirts & jeans...now thats reason to panic....but honestly the bride still had a good time....so you do the same...go with the flow

Vent all you want here...we love to help

 

[aprincess72]

You aren't being a bridezilla. If there's one thing I learned in this whole process it's that weddings bring out the crazy in people!!!

 

[o0IrishEyes0o]

Thank you all for your help / understanding

After emailing her and letting her know that I didn't really think the dress she picked would go with the bridal party (I didn't even bring up the fact that I felt like she asked my input and ignored it... I just said I thought the colors wouldn't work) I sent her a TON of other dresses.

I also told her to check out target.com, since Target now offers wedding dresses / bridesmaid dresses, and she found this one:

So that is what she is going with. It's $40, which is awesome And the color is very similar to the bridal party, so I think it will work MUCH better. I know I could have just had her in fewer pictures... but she is definately going to be in most of the ones w/ my daughter as she's walking her down the aisle.

Thanks again everyone

 

[Gillian]

I really like that one from Target.

I'm glad you were able to work with her and that she found something better! Now just make sure she buys it fast and doesn't change her mind. For $40 I'd be tempted to buy it for her!!

 

[Tabetha]

Love the new dress!
And for $40, you can't lose.