I have to make a life changing decision for my child...need some advice

[CindysGusGus]

I don'y post very often so I will give you some backround. I have twins who are 6 yo a DD and DS. Both of whom are in Kindegarten. My DS is talkative and outgoing where my DD is shy and quiet. From the very beginning of the school year I have told both of their teachers that no matter what I wanted to keep them together, if one of them was falling behind I wanted to know about it. My sons teacher sends tons of work home every week as well as about 6 or 7 pages of homework. My DD's teacher sends very little home. Maybe 1 or 2 pages home. It seemed as though my son was pulling away from my daughter academically. The last report cards came out about 3 weeks ago and my DD's was all Satisfactory's with a comment that she was doing great and that she was a hard worker. My DH sent a note back asking if the teacher would send additional homework because we felt that she didnt have enough.
The following friday I recieved a call from the teacher responding to the note. ( I was at work) She poceeds to tell me that she knows that I had wanted to keep them in the same grade but maybe I should think about sending my DD to Transitional 1st next year while my son proceeds to 1st. Why in April is she all of a sudden telling me this, only an month and half left of school???
If my DD was a year younger or older than my DS I would not have a problem with this. I just had a meeting with the teacher yesterday and she and my DD speech therapist feel that she is not mature enough to proceed to 1st. She is fine academically, just not her maturity level. ( how mature should a 6yo be??) Anyway, I have to make the decision. What bothers me is that they are twins....How is this going to effect her later on. Esp when my DS goes to High School and she is still in JR High, Graduates before her, drives before her. Doing these milestones together is what being a twin is about, it makes it more special. Now I have to decide if I should take that away from her. The teacher feels that she will struggle all the way through if I dont. But that is an assumption as with my decision to send her to T1 may not be emotionally devistating.

Any advice?? I am at my wits end...I just dont want to ruin her life so early. I am supposed to do that when she is a teenager! Then she can blame me for all the little things.
TIA for listening and Im sorry this was so long.

 

[BWVDenise]

I think you have to do what is best for her as an individual. My ds went to T1 and he still struggles (going into 3rd in Sept) so I cannot imagine what it would be like for him if he hadn't gone through T1. You aren't going to ruin her life by doing what is best for her.
Good luck with your decision.

 

[Boots]

I have no real imput except to tell you to do what you think is best. Many {{{HUGS}}} coming your way!

 

[Krisu]

I agree you should treat them as individuals, not as a package. My cousin had the same predicament with her twins. Her DS was kept back and they are doing just fine. BTW, why wouldn't they learn to drive at the same time? School drivers Ed?

 

[CindysGusGus]

If we are still in Virginia which I hope we are not when they are a sophomores they take drivers ed through the school system. Unless it has changed from when I was in High School.

 

[Dan Murphy]

I really have no ideas, CGG, but did want to pass on my best to you and your children. I know you will get some wonderful advice and thoughts here, always helpful.

A wonderful holiday to you and your family.

 

[zurgswife]

Let me tell you a friend of mines story....

She had twins DS, DD. they started school together and the DD was seeming far more adademic then the DS so it was decided that DS would repeat Kindergarten. They continue through school with DS a grade behind DD. Then the DD enters 7th grade. Her emotional imaturity begins to come through. She basically stops doing her seventh grade work...she was warned that if she did it would mean that she would have to repeat. She repeated 7th grade last year and joined back up with her DS who was held back in Kindergarten and she did wonderfully.

The twins managed on there own for 7 years with there own friends but it wasn't until puberty set it that it was realized what a hardship had been placed on the DD just because she seemed academically superior then her twin.

you didn't state what month your twins were born or if they were born early at all...which if they were my kids I would think about.

My DD is in Kindergarten this year she is a June baby...but in our school the cut off is June 30. so, she is the youngest in her class. So, even though she seems an academic equal starting the year..she also has sort of given up and I've decided to have her repeat next year. Letting her be one of the oldest and more mature kids rather than the absolute youngest...

 

[Piper]

I would ask for more information. This seems a little late in the year to be springing this on you. Ask for a list of your child's strengths and areas that need improvement. At this age, you should be able to work with your child to help her. Ask for supplemental work to help your daughter "catch up." You might also ask your son's teacher if she does tutoring.

If your daughter is quiet and shy, she might not be asking for clarification if she doesn't understand something........or the teacher may equate quietness with not knowing the material. I have several quiet children in my class and make a special effort to work with them and find out exactly what they do know (and it isn't as easy as evaluating children who are not shy.)

Also it is very important that you read to your children every night and discuss what you read. If you want some more information, send me a pm.

 

[Mskanga]

I don't know in your school district but in our school district , twins cannot be together in the same class.
I also have one kindergartener at home and barely ever she comes with more than 3 pages of homework a week and she's just doing fine at her own pace. I would take into consideration what is best for the child but also keep an open mind that if the child progresses more in the course of T1, she may be able to go into 1st grade a few weeks later. This may be an option the school may give you.

But please....QUESTION the reason why the teacher feels she should be placed in T1, and get it in details!

 

[CindysGusGus]

Just to clarify, I am not worried because of them being a "package deal" They are very rarely treated like twins which is easy enough because they are not identical. They were born March 17th, 1997, so they just turned 6. Wht bothers me the most is that the teacher said she was academically fine, it was her maturity. Maturity comes naturally so you cant teach it. Who's to say she wont mature over the summer. I want to do what is best for her. But what worries me is whats to come later in life. Will she feel inferior to her brother, like she has failed at something, etc. This will be brought up everytime someone finds out she has a twin brother a grade ahead of her. It may or not be an emotional problem for her. This is where my delimma(sp) stems.

 

[Piper]

Ask for specifics. The teacher may be confusing shy behavior with lack of maturity. I have a child in my second grade class who did not speak through Pre-K, Kdgn or first grade. She was brought before our "safety net" committee because of this...she was "placed" in second grade instead of being promoted. She is talking in my class and making straight A's. I just benchmarked her in reading and she is reading at a third grade - spring level--a full year ahead. She wasn't immature--she was shy!

 

[pumba]

Kindergarten this year....and they are all sooooo different....one is shy ..one is off the wall and one is soooo sweet....academically one does well ....one works hard and the other one it all comes easy.....they are all in the same K class.....her district has the smaller elementary school and therefore a morning and afternoon class.....I say....help your child this summer and do what is K work .......let her sibling also do the same work.....and they can play school together.....

 

[Disney Ella]

I would also ask what the teacher considers this immaturity to consist of. If she's doing satisfactory work, then she obviously has enough maturity to sit down and do work when she is supposed to. If she really is struggling and having a hard time, then maybe she does need the transitional year, but if you are not absolutely convinced of that, don't just go along with the recommendation. Work with her, get her extra help, etc.

It would certainly have an impact on her because people would know that she's a twin and not in the same grade as her brother. Do you think she wouldn't care or would it really bother her?

I have identical twins and really sympathize with you. I can just imagine how upsetting this must be.

 

[Mom2Em]

This sounds kind of familiar... When I started Kindergarten it was back in the olden days ... My mom started me at 4 (turned 5 on 9/27)... When the teacher found out how old I was she suggested that I be held back a year because of my immaturity... Well, Mom didn't agree... I ended up keeping up with my class and finishing 5th in my high school class... I would get more info and make a decision that you feel is correct...
Also, DD is shy and was not doing well in phonics this last quarter because she was "afraid" of being wrong (a little perfectionist like her parents )... We bought her hooked on phonics... eventhough she did not need the work, it built up her confidence and the teachers are really raving about her now!!

 

[JºoºhnG]

You know your children better than anyone and you know what the decision should be. Don't take the schools advise as gospel. Like other posters have said work with your child, if it is a maturity problem or shyness problem I would definately not consider holding a child back because of that, especially at such a young age. As girls get older it is proven that most surpass boys in maturity maybe she just needs a little time to catch up. Give her a year or two and then decide if she is not doing well academically.

In Grade 4 we had a similiar situation with my DD, the school told us that she was doing poorly and that they thought she should repeat her year. This came as a shock to us as well. They told us this right at the the end of the school year. They told us that it was up to us whether she should pass or not. Not only did we tell them to pass her, but we also changed her school and now at 17 she is still doing just fine.

Once again only you know what is right for your children. Good Luck !

Have a Disney Day!

 

[TINKFAN3]

You have the summer to really decide. I would involve your daughter and son in some form of activity: camp, play group, swimming classes, something to where you can observe them in a social yet structured setting. You know your children better then anyone. See how she acts and then make the decision. I have had professionals tell me all kinds of things about my kids. Some things I agreed with, a lot I didn't.

My 3rd DS had a terrible speech problem. You could not understand anything he said. From 3years - 6 years old he was in speech therapy. The DR. told me he wasn't making any progress and I should prepare myself of him having severe learning problems. I told her there is nothing wrong with him other then the failure to speak clearly. (His brother was the only one who at that time understood what he was saying. It was like they had their own language. weird) Anyway...I didn't accept this at all. Within 2 weeks of the Dr's telling me this, he was speaking clearly. It was as if a light bulb went off and he decided he needed to be understood by everyone. He is now in our school's gifted program with a brilliant IQ. So don't believe everything the experts tell you.
Good luck!

 

[WebmasterAlex]

I think you have to consider what the teacher said on a number of level's starting with the teacher.
You asked a GREAT question. Why are you just hearing about this now? Why does she send so little work home.
If this had been a teacher that had been in contact with you all year, even if it was just occaisionally and had made some effort to help DD etc then it would be a no brainer. You would have seen this coming and would not have been blindsided.
The fact that the teacher didn't communicate anything untill now would make me take her advice with a BIG grain of salt.
As other's have said you know your DD best. If your gut says the teacher is right then do what's best for your DD. If not..

 

[bsnyder]

I agree with everyone who said you really need more information from the teacher before you can make this decision. And it should be your decision (and your husband's) not the teacher's.

As far as how it would effect DD later, if you do decide to hold her back - I think that would depend, in large part, on how you and your husband treat that decision after it is made. If it were me, in that situation, I would downplay the twin part....your DS and DD are also brother and sister, and that will not change no matter what grade they are in.

As for the driving thing, if it turned out to be extremely important to your DD to get her license at the same time as her brother, there is always private instruction in drivers ed. My kids went to a private school, so we had no access to the public school system drivers ed program.

Good luck, and please try not to stress out too much about this! I know it's a difficult though!

 

[annemariec]

I agree with the posters that have stated that if she is doing the work academically, it would be a shame to hold her back because of immaturity. If she is doing the work satisfactorily this year she may become bored with transitional first grade next year! I'd be worried about that.

You are right about the summer being a long time, and that your DD may make strides in her maturity then. Also, I have taught school and noted many times maturity comes with being around older children. Socialization does play a part. Children oftentimes conform to expectations.

It's late in the game to spring this information on you. I'd consider bringing up the lateness in the year and ask if this is something she is just noticing.... And I would get a concrete standard as to what is being considered in regards to her recommendation. I hope aspects of your DD's shyness isn't coming into play.

If it's a borderline recommendation by the teacher (and/or you aren't comfortable holding her back knowing she can do the work and can handle it well), I would be inclined to have her "try" first grade. If it doesn't work out she could then go to transitional first.

Good luck in your decision.
Annemarie

 

[annemariec]

I just skimmed your OP and noted the report card was: "all Satisfactory's with a comment that she was doing great and that she was a hard worker". I thought that was what I had read before.

I find it strange for her to call you (in response to the note your DH sent) and bring up she knows you want to keep your twins at the same level. Why would she bring that up?? Her concern should be with your DD. And why would that be an issue if she is "doing great"?

Why state that she is doing great and is a hard worker and then follow up a request for more work by stating your DD is immature? It just seems odd to me. Something doesn't seem quite right. JMHO.

Annemarie