I have been engaged for 4 years....

[Rafiki31]

No wedding yet. No money for a wedding. There is always going to be something else that needs to be paid for. Everytime we start to save up or plan something, something goes wrong (lay off, car accident, house fire) I just feel like something is always pushing it to the backburner and its never going to happen. All out wedding dates keep passing me by. DF keeps saying next year, next year, but well enough is enough. I am officially having a pity party today.

And yes we can go to the courthouse, but well, not what I had in mind.

 

[Liberty Belle]

You may have to compromise. What about having a simpler wedding?

 

[Carly_Roach]

No wedding yet. No money for a wedding. There is always going to be something else that needs to be paid for. Everytime we start to save up or plan something, something goes wrong (lay off, car accident, house fire) I just feel like something is always pushing it to the backburner and its never going to happen. All out wedding dates keep passing me by. DF keeps saying next year, next year, but well enough is enough. I am officially having a pity party today.

And yes we can go to the courthouse, but well, not what I had in mind.

You will have to decide what you want more: a big party or a marriage. It seems that after four years you're not likely to get the big party if other things keep coming up and stopping it.

You may want to consider your options, especially if he's willing to go to the courthouse to formalize the relationship but you're holding out for a blowout.

 

[AKL_Megs]

We were engaged for about four years.

One day, we just decided it was time. We were buying a house, so we took a month and planned a little wedding. We had our best friends and closest family, and if we spent $5000 I would be surprised.

We ate, drank, and were married!

If you wait for "perfection", you might wait forever...

 

[hereyago]

But marriage isn't about what kind of wedding you had. the whole purpose of being engaged is to later get married, to live as husband and wife. I myself had the JOP perform our ceremony where we lived. Life is too short for not what you had in mind, you never know what may happen.

 

[DisneyScraps]

Do you want a wedding or a marriage? After 4 years I think you are going to have to revisit this wedding you want.

Lisa

 

[wvjules]

Why does it have to be "do you want a wedding or a marriage"? Can't someone want BOTH?

 

[*pixie*dust*]

I say this gently. After 4 years of engagement, it is time to reexamine your wedding plans. Not everyone gets a dream wedding or a big party.

Celebrations come in all shapes and sizes. Caterers, limos, bands, china patterns and yards and yards of silk are not what make a celebration-- people do. Bring together the people you love most and have a simple wedding.

 

[Scurvy]

I'm sorry. That must be very discouraging. Four years does seem like a long time, especially when you don't seem to be making progress toward a wedding date. Is there a way you could find a middle ground? Maybe you could plan a small wedding that isn't just a visit to the courthouse but will be budget friendly. I didn't want a large wedding and ours was very small and affordable, but I wouldn't change a thing about it. If a large wedding is important to you, you could be in for quite a wait. I guess you just have to decide which is your priority at this point - would you rather be married soon or wait for the big wedding?

 

[Handbag Lady]

Sit down, have a chat with the man and decide that you both are going to make this a priority. Yes, you can get married at the courthouse and keep that as an option. You can also have an awesome wedding at someone's house (ask your friends who have big houses, you'd be surprised) that could be your dream for not a whole lot of money.

Having attended one house wedding and seeing pictures from my friend's house wedding (the bride and groom used their house), I can tell you it is gorgeous. It is so old fashioned and romantic. At the one I attended, all of the ladies were invited to lay down wildflowers right before the ceremony to make the aisle in the backyard. It was fun and made all of us feel like we were a lovely part of their happy day.

 

[pearlieq]

Why does it have to be "do you want a wedding or a marriage"? Can't someone want BOTH?

Sure, you can absolutely want both. But plans for the wedding the OP wants are not coming together.

It hasn't been 6 months--it's been 4 years. After that long, I think the question is valid. How long are you willing to wait to be married in order to have a big party?

After that long, I think I'd just want to be married and get on with my life.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Why does it have to be "do you want a wedding or a marriage"? Can't someone want BOTH?

Of course someone can WANT both. But it's a matter of wants vs. needs and what someone can afford. Sure I wanted a Disney wedding with all my friends and family there. It would have been heaven! But we simply couldn't afford that and it would have been unrealistic of me to hold out for years until we'd saved the money for something that meant the world to me but was kind of a lukewarm issue for DH.

So I decided what I really wanted: to be married to DH. That was the whole point of getting married after all. The marriage, not the wedding.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

Why does it have to be "do you want a wedding or a marriage"? Can't someone want BOTH?

You can definitely want and have both. But, right now, it's not in the cards so I think people are wondering why does being married have to be but off because of the wedding?

One of my best friends was in a similar situation, the got married in 2005 at the courthouse but they recently had an EXTRAVAGANT (costing many many many thousands of dollars) wedding, it was by far the most beautiful wedding I've ever seen... or could even imagine. Being married was far more important to them than the wedding ceremony being perfect, but they later on got that perfect ceremony.

 

[hereyago]

Why does it have to be "do you want a wedding or a marriage"? Can't someone want BOTH?

You can want both, but 4 years? Like I wrote in my earlier post, life is too short. I would hate to be engaged 4 years let alone longer, then something happen, death,etc and I had wasted all that time waiting for that dream wedding when I should have just married the man I love.

 

[Rafiki31]

All I want is a small wedding immediate family only. Problem is we live far from our families so even a small wedding is an expense. DF wants to go to the courthouse. I want my parents there, he doesnt want his there. This is the real problem. You cant invite my fam and not his.

I think his fam is the real issue, the expense is just an excuse. I want my parents there, that is what i dont want to compromise on. His mother is bipolar (mostly not taking her meds) and there is always big drama with weddings & holidays.

Wow now that it is in writing it is more clear.

I am just feeling sad.

 

[wvjules]

I get in this case that it does seem to have to be a choice between the big wedding and a marriage but on threads like these it seem slike it becomes the "do you want the ring, wedding, party, etc or do you want to be married". Personally, I want them all. Doesn't mean I love my DBF any less for wanting a nice ring and a wedding though.

In this case though it sounds as if the DF might be finding excuses to NOT get married.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

You cant invite my fam and not his.

Why?

You also don't have to tell his parent that your parents were there, just say you eloped.

 

[Liberty Belle]

All I want is a small wedding immediate family only. Problem is we live far from our families so even a small wedding is an expense. DF wants to go to the courthouse. I want my parents there, he doesnt want his there. This is the real problem. You cant invite my fam and not his.

I think it's time to sit down and talk about what's really important. Why does he not want them there? Are they in his life at all? If so, can't he put aside differences for one day?

 

[undertheradar]

We did without the big wedding thing and 21 years later we don't regret it. You state that things have kept coming up that prevent a big wedding, so buy a nice dress and a new suit, get a license and go get married. Plan a little getaway if you can afford it and begin to share your lives together. Things always will come up abd the strength of a marriage is the ability to weather the storms as they come. Good luck and enjoy the bliss that being married can be.

 

[Scurvy]

All I want is a small wedding immediate family only. Problem is we live far from our families so even a small wedding is an expense. DF wants to go to the courthouse. I want my parents there, he doesnt want his there. This is the real problem. You cant invite my fam and not his.

Yes you can. If it's important to you that your family be there and your fiance is okay with that, you should invite them. If he does not want his family to be there, don't invite them. This is not something that has to be equal. As to the expense, do you feel that you have to pay for your parents' travel costs if you invite them? Could they afford to pay for themselves? If my son said he was essentially eloping but that he'd like for us to be there, we'd gladly pay to get to the wedding. The actual costs to you for a courthouse wedding would be very small.