I have a question (and thoughts) about bullying...

[Anjelica]

My DD11 came home today with this story. She has been being "annoyed" by a boy in class. He pulls her hair and calls her names. She has complained to the teacher. The teacher had sent him out of class. Nothing helps. Today, DD was sitting in class and this boy comes by and tries to swipe a piece of paper from her notebook. DD gets up and kicks him "where it hurts". He goes down and hits his head on her desk on the way down, screaming and crying. The teacher (who saw all this, BTW) tells him he deserved it and sends him down to the office. I wonder if he will ever come near my DD again. I wonder if his parents will complain.

It's refreshing to hear that someone was able to defend themselves against a bully without they themselves getting into trouble. I have a good friends son who is picked on by this one boy (he picks on all the boys) but unless the teachers/principal see this boy actually touch the other kids they are "powerless". Problem is this boy hides it when he hauls off and hits the other boys (like in the bathrooms, etc.) so as to not get caught/in trouble. I tell you - its one messed up system.

 

[postage stamp]

I also don't remember bullying in school. Did I get made fun of, sure, but not to the point that I couldn't handle it.

My SIL is 16 and last year in school a boy tried to SEXUALLY ASSAULT HER in front of the class. The bell hadn't rung yet and the teacher wasn't here yet. But this boy who was about twice her size tried to grab her breasts and was saying FILTHY things to her. Not a single kid in the class did ANYTHING to stop it.

I CAN NOT IMAGINE that happening when I was in high school. There were 2 boys in my class that couldn't STAND me. We had hated each other since 2nd grade. And I have no doubt in my mind that even THEY would never have allowed that to happen to me.

I don't know WHAT happened or WHEN it started happening, but MAN is it out of control!

 

[dodukes]

I also don't remember bullying in school. Did I get made fun of, sure, but not to the point that I couldn't handle it.

My SIL is 16 and last year in school a boy tried to SEXUALLY ASSAULT HER in front of the class. The bell hadn't rung yet and the teacher wasn't here yet. But this boy who was about twice her size tried to grab her breasts and was saying FILTHY things to her. Not a single kid in the class did ANYTHING to stop it.

I CAN NOT IMAGINE that happening when I was in high school. There were 2 boys in my class that couldn't STAND me. We had hated each other since 2nd grade. And I have no doubt in my mind that even THEY would never have allowed that to happen to me.

I don't know WHAT happened or WHEN it started happening, but MAN is it out of control!

It seems that more and more of the "bullying" is turning into sexual harrasment.

 

[RitaE]

I understand why she would want to do that...but in our school district she would have been suspended no matter if the boys parents complained or not.

I understand what you are saying but as a parent my response would be "So be it."

We went through a thing where my older son had to intervene and punch a kid on the bus who was threatening, harassing and getting physical with his younger brother. My fear wasn't suspension. Heck, if it comes to that I'll homeschool - whatever. My fear was the punk would bring a gun or knife to school the next day - which in today's school climate isn't all that out of the realm of possibility.

I've found that schools are generally powerless. I know a couple of teachers up at our High School and plenty of them are happy enough to make it through their own day without being groped, flashed, or invited to suck something. Many of those kids causing the problems have IEPs which limit the disciplinary options of the school.

The thing that really gets me is our Public School has what pretty much amounts to its own Police Force now. I'm not talking a Security Guard or two. I'm talking the City Police has officers ... 3 or 4 at least Permanently assigned to patrol the High School halls. Apparently our teens now need the equivalent Prison Guards to keep them in line.

It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy to know this will be the generation who is caring for US when we are old and weak.

 

[JoiseyMom]

My DD11 came home today with this story. She has been being "annoyed" by a boy in class. He pulls her hair and calls her names. She has complained to the teacher. The teacher had sent him out of class. Nothing helps. Today, DD was sitting in class and this boy comes by and tries to swipe a piece of paper from her notebook. DD gets up and kicks him "where it hurts". He goes down and hits his head on her desk on the way down, screaming and crying. The teacher (who saw all this, BTW) tells him he deserved it and sends him down to the office. I wonder if he will ever come near my DD again. I wonder if his parents will complain.

Your DD and her teacher ROCK!

 

[JoiseyMom]

There was a very recent thread here that was about bullying. SEVERAL posters took the position that kids MAKE themselves targets of bullies by the way the act or the way they dress or the way the DON'T stand up for themselves. I found it very telling about our society. People were actually saying kids should change and then they wouldn't be bullied.

Guess they were bullies as kids (probably still are as adults)!

 

[DizBelle]

Here is a thought about bullying. There seems to be thousands of things we are supposed to do teach our kids how to deal with bullies. Where are all of the studies that show parents ways not to raise bullies. I don't have an answer for bullying, but I hope parents of bullies are aware and maybe they are the key.

It wouldn't matter because the parents that would raise bullies don't care that they are doing so. They were probably bullies themselves.

 

[JoiseyMom]

It's an extremely sad situation. My daughter is 7 and if I ever found out she taunted or disrespected another child she would be in world of hurt. I am no perfect parent by any means, but I hope by instilling one main idea into my daughter I hope she neither becomes a target of a bully or a bully herself:

- You don't have to be friends with everyone. You aren't going to like everyone and not everyone is going to like you. And that is perfectly fine - BUT you STILL have to treat people with respect regardless of your like/dislike of them.

ITA! I have said this to my kids so many times!

 

[JoiseyMom]

It seems that more and more of the "bullying" is turning into sexual harrasment.

DD14 had to deal with this, but verbally only, in 8th grade last year. The school was wonderful and dealt with the boys! DD is also very good at protecting herself!

 

[Tinkh]

I disagree. I believe it has gone up, because of the way bullying can spread...over the Internet and cell phones. A large number of people can spread rumors/pictures, and the mob mentality increases quickly. And the humiliation is so public.

On top of that, look at the pride there seems to be among "adults" on reality shows when they bully people, and otherwise behave badly. They're so "cool"! NOT! Remember when it mattered to adults/parents how they presented themselves in public, and how their kids did? When you cared what people thought of you? There's so much of that lacking today.

Real Housewives of NYC was disgusting this past season. Like most people, I thought Kelly was flighty and an airhead, but what those women did to her...like the MUCH LOVED Bethenny (I used to be a big fan of hers)...was despicable, but Bethenny's fan base has increased tremendously. She's so CUTE and so FUNNY and people just thought it was HILARIOUS the way she and her entourage ripped into someone who was on the verge of, and then actually, crying. THAT'S what's being put out there as being popular and successful. A fine example. UGH.

Bren, that story always makes my stomach ache.

I just started reading this thread, but I literally could not agree more. I detested what happened to that Kelly. Bethany was a HORRIBLE bully. Whomever she decided to attack was the target for the season. First was Alex and then Kelly. Luann and Jill were her targets too, but they were too stupid to see it until too late and by then I had no sympathy because they had participated so much in the other bullying. I stopped watching completely. I loved Alex until she decided to be a bully herself just to be in the cool crowd.

 

[mamacatnv]

I also don't think the act of bullying has increased. What has changed is the method.

We had bullies when I was in school, we had neighbor kids whom the rest of us lived in fear of. Our parents basically felt that unless major and I do mean major bodily harm was caused that we needed to sort ourselves out, which we did. Sometimes scuffles ensued but we were able to solve our own problems, we had no choice. No one was going to do it for us.

I think we as a society have taken problem solving skills away from our kids. We as parents jump to their defense at even a hint of a slight, we run to schools, to other parents, to administrators and yes to court in the blink of an eye. We blame and blame and blame without ever thinking that maybe our snowflakes might also be instigating some of the behavior.

While I find the stories of bullying tragic, it is never right when a young person takes their own life. However, I find it difficult to swallow that it is all the "bullys" fault. For someone to go to such extremes there has to be a lot going on in their lives or their own minds. It is horribly sad, but so is laying the blame at someone elses feet because it is easier than looking at the big picture.

My kids know we would never ever tolerate them picking on someone just because they can, but we also back and encourage them to defend themselves. Recently a friends son was jumped by several boys at the local high school. The boy fought back, all parties including the jumped boy were suspended as part of a zero tolerance polcy. Now, IMO that is pure BS and I would be screaming to bloody heck if the school pulled that crap on my kid, but that is what we have become as a society.

I sit on a parent advisory council that meets monthly with local media stations to discuss parent issues that affect us and our community. The local news anchors via their program directors were very interested in "the rise" in bullying and were surprised that the panel that consists of approx. 25 parents from all over the county were not concerned and felt that the media had found another bone to chew.

 

[Tinkh]

There was a very recent thread here that was about bullying. SEVERAL posters took the position that kids MAKE themselves targets of bullies by the way the act or the way they dress or the way the DON'T stand up for themselves. I found it very telling about our society. People were actually saying kids should change and then they wouldn't be bullied.

I found that beyond disturbing too. Make little carbon copy stepford kids and maybe the kids would not be bullies. That makes no sense at all to me.

 

[LisaR]

There was a very recent thread here that was about bullying. SEVERAL posters took the position that kids MAKE themselves targets of bullies by the way the act or the way they dress or the way the DON'T stand up for themselves. I found it very telling about our society. People were actually saying kids should change and then they wouldn't be bullied.

I wasn't involved in that thread and I am going to try and phrase this delicately but I know I will be flamed.

DISCLAIMER: NOBODY should be bullied, period. If I found out my kids ever bullied someone, there would be hell to pay. I have never bullied anyone and I do not raise my kids to be bullies.

I just finished reading a very sad story about a teen that killed himself due to bullying in school. He used to go to school with a stuffed lemur tied to his wrist and he would set the lemur in his own chair and treat it like a real pet. This was a high school student. Again, I would punish my kids severely if they were to tease a kid like him. However, reality is, there are bullies out there.

I believe it is up to parents to help their kids learn how to fit in in society so they don't get picked on. Should this kid have been allowed to carry his stuffed lemur wherever he wanted to? In a perfect world, yes. We do not live in a perfect world.

As an adult, I alter my behavior all the time to fit in society. I swear often but I would never swear in front of strangers. There are certain words I still won't say in front of my own mother. As an adult, I have been known to slide down hand rails and tightrope walk across parking blocks but would I do that at a funeral, wedding, or a church? Nope. I adjust my behavior for the situation. Do you act the same at work as you do at home? I am guessing most of us use our edit button more frequently at work.

Why is it any different than telling your 16 year old to leave his stuffed lemur at home? I would never have allowed my son to take something like that to high school. Again, it doesn't mean that kid deserved to be bullied but if you know that idiots like this exist in this world, isn't it up to parents to do as much as possible to protect their children.

There are some bullies that will still pick on kids simply because they are short or have curly hair. We can't protect our kids from every single situation but there are some instances that I really do think could be prevented with more parental involvement.

It sucks that some kids need to change their behavior to live in this society but society is one cruel place and bullies aren't going anywhere. It doesn't mean every child has to change completely but some do need to learn to make adjustments depending on the situation they are in.

I can feel the flames now.............

 

[curious3069]

Here is a thought about bullying. There seems to be thousands of things we are supposed to do teach our kids how to deal with bullies. Where are all of the studies that show parents ways not to raise bullies. I don't have an answer for bullying, but I hope parents of bullies are aware and maybe they are the key.

I have never believed that all bullies are only raised by parents who are bullies themselves. Of course there are those kinds of kids, but I'd guess there are lots of parents who have no idea that their child is a bully at school. I think both sorts of skills need to be taught...how to deal with bullies and how to teach kids to NOT be bullies. And I'll throw in learning how to stand up for someone else who is being bullied.

 

[Mermaid02]

I wasn't involved in that thread and I am going to try and phrase this delicately but I know I will be flamed.

DISCLAIMER: NOBODY should be bullied, period. If I found out my kids ever bullied someone, there would be hell to pay. I have never bullied anyone and I do not raise my kids to be bullies.

I just finished reading a very sad story about a teen that killed himself due to bullying in school. He used to go to school with a stuffed lemur tied to his wrist and he would set the lemur in his own chair and treat it like a real pet. This was a high school student. Again, I would punish my kids severely if they were to tease a kid like him. However, reality is, there are bullies out there.

I believe it is up to parents to help their kids learn how to fit in in society so they don't get picked on. Should this kid have been allowed to carry his stuffed lemur wherever he wanted to? In a perfect world, yes. We do not live in a perfect world.

As an adult, I alter my behavior all the time to fit in society. I swear often but I would never swear in front of strangers. There are certain words I still won't say in front of my own mother. As an adult, I have been known to slide down hand rails and tightrope walk across parking blocks but would I do that at a funeral, wedding, or a church? Nope. I adjust my behavior for the situation. Do you act the same at work as you do at home? I am guessing most of us use our edit button more frequently at work.

Why is it any different than telling your 16 year old to leave his stuffed lemur at home? I would never have allowed my son to take something like that to high school. Again, it doesn't mean that kid deserved to be bullied but if you know that idiots like this exist in this world, isn't it up to parents to do as much as possible to protect their children.

There are some bullies that will still pick on kids simply because they are short or have curly hair. We can't protect our kids from every single situation but there are some instances that I really do think could be prevented with more parental involvement.

It sucks that some kids need to change their behavior to live in this society but society is one cruel place and bullies aren't going anywhere. It doesn't mean every child has to change completely but some do need to learn to make adjustments depending on the situation they are in.

I can feel the flames now.............

I would say that a 16 year old who carried his lemur to school had issues- would he be invited to parties and the like? No. Did the other kids have to accept him? No. Should he have been bullied to the point that he took his life? No. The fault here lies with the bullies. Period. Until people are willing to stand up for others when they are being bullied, this won't stop. The attitude "you need to change" so you won't be the target is wrong. What needs to change is the apathy that is so prevelant in society.

 

[mamacatnv]

I wasn't involved in that thread and I am going to try and phrase this delicately but I know I will be flamed.

DISCLAIMER: NOBODY should be bullied, period. If I found out my kids ever bullied someone, there would be hell to pay. I have never bullied anyone and I do not raise my kids to be bullies.

I just finished reading a very sad story about a teen that killed himself due to bullying in school. He used to go to school with a stuffed lemur tied to his wrist and he would set the lemur in his own chair and treat it like a real pet. This was a high school student. Again, I would punish my kids severely if they were to tease a kid like him. However, reality is, there are bullies out there.

I believe it is up to parents to help their kids learn how to fit in in society so they don't get picked on. Should this kid have been allowed to carry his stuffed lemur wherever he wanted to? In a perfect world, yes. We do not live in a perfect world.

As an adult, I alter my behavior all the time to fit in society. I swear often but I would never swear in front of strangers. There are certain words I still won't say in front of my own mother. As an adult, I have been known to slide down hand rails and tightrope walk across parking blocks but would I do that at a funeral, wedding, or a church? Nope. I adjust my behavior for the situation. Do you act the same at work as you do at home? I am guessing most of us use our edit button more frequently at work.

Why is it any different than telling your 16 year old to leave his stuffed lemur at home? I would never have allowed my son to take something like that to high school. Again, it doesn't mean that kid deserved to be bullied but if you know that idiots like this exist in this world, isn't it up to parents to do as much as possible to protect their children.

There are some bullies that will still pick on kids simply because they are short or have curly hair. We can't protect our kids from every single situation but there are some instances that I really do think could be prevented with more parental involvement.

It sucks that some kids need to change their behavior to live in this society but society is one cruel place and bullies aren't going anywhere. It doesn't mean every child has to change completely but some do need to learn to make adjustments depending on the situation they are in.

I can feel the flames now.............

Got an extra suit. I agree with you. I do not condone the behavior of bullies but they do exist and it is part of our jobs as parents to teach our kids how to deal with them to some degree. I realize there will always be exceptions to this just like there are with almost any scenario that involves humans, however we as parents can take a big step forward by arming out kids with tools to deal with bullies.

My DH is 52 years old and deals with a female bully at work. I always tell him she goes after you because you react, and he does. If he could figure out how to stop reacting she would stop having any fun and move on.

Oh and for those who want to scream that this creates a hostile work environment it does not. Bullying is not part of the the legal definition of a true hostile work environment under federal law unless it is specific to the usual taboos of harrassment. Gender, race or disability etc.

 

[skater]

With all the bullying going on in school, does anyone think it has increased in the workplace? I know that this has always occurred to a degree, but is it getting worse?

 

[MushyMushy]

I don't think actual bullying has increased, but our awareness of it certainly has. I was tormented relentlessly by older girls from about my 8th grade year to sophomore/junior years when it died down because most of those kids graduated. Looking back as an adult, I don't think there's anything I personally could have done to stop it. It would have taken pretty severe action on the part of adults, and by severe I mean the harassers would have had to have been kicked out of school or had to go in front of a judge.

With all the bullying going on in school, does anyone think it has increased in the workplace? I know that this has always occurred to a degree, but is it getting worse?

Again, I think our awareness of it has increased. Without going into a ton of detail, I was in a workplace bullying situation two years ago (these women ganged up, said mean things and did the social shunning thing just like you would hear about in a junior high!). It was shocking! I thought after what I'd experienced in high school that I was one tough cookie and would NEVER be at someone else's mercy again, but boy was I wrong. If an educated grown adult can be the victim of this, then what chance would a kid have? I'd ended up getting counseling, and luck would have it that I found a counselor who was doing a lot of research in workplace bullying or "mobbing" as it's come to be labeled. I'd also come to discover that I wasn't the first or only victim of these people.

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

I remember when I was in high school an older and bigger boy threatened to break my jaw because of where I sat on the bus. The driver did nothing. Next day he threatened me again and I stood up and told him to go ahead and hit me -- that my parents would enjoy taking everything from his family and I'd love to see him in jail.

A few years ago one of our neighbors was beating his wife in the cull de sac. I charged out there yelling for my DH to call 911. The idiot told me to back off and I told him I wasn't afraid of him and that if he threatened me I would have him arrested and that if he laid one finger on me I'd take everything he owned! He didn't and his wife got away from him.

So how did I learn to stand up to bullies? I don't know. But I'm sure part of it was my great grandma who repeatedly used to tell me "you get what you tolerate". I think the other part of it was growing up with an older brother who liked to use his fists.

I just know that I pity the kid that tries to bully another when I'm around. I don't hesitate to correct anyones child.

K

 

[minniebeth]

I can tell you from personal experience that cyberbullying around here is taken very seriously. My DS15 casually "dated" a girl, (really more like friends, the extent of their relationship was all texting) and when the relationship drifted apart, she made/posted a YouTube video about how she was going to kill him and another one of his friends (a girl) in a very specific/graphic way. The situation was brought to the principal's attention and the police were immediately involved. The YouTube video was immediately taken off the website and she was expelled from school (she attended a different school than my DS).
She was put into counseling and then attempted to commit suicide. She was put into a psyciatric hospital for quite some time and still continues counseling.
It was found that she was clinically depressed, which contributed to the original YouTube threat. Through counseling, we found out that, most likely, if the situation was not brought to the police's attention, therefore forcing her to get help, her suicide attempt could have sucessful without anyone knowing what was going on with her.

Sometimes the "bully's" actions are a cry for help.
As hard as the situation was for us, my heart goes out to her and her family and hope she can get the help she needs.